queen-city-fh-326391

CANCER STRIKES

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:56:25 GMT

My husband and I love our Sunday afternoons mainly because we nap together. It is the only day of the week when we have the time, and solitude, to relax and nap. It doesn’t happen every week, but now that we are older and life has slowed down, Sunday afternoon naps together are a glorious thing to look forward to.

Our Sundays are the only day of the week with a predictable schedule. Because our Saturdays usually consist of multiple services, we rise Sunday morning with just enough time to shower and quickly head off to church. After church, we stop on our way home and buy freshly baked bread and a box of hot chicken tenders. When we arrive at our house, we change clothes, slap some condiments on our bread, and enjoy chicken tender sandwiches.

Before we were in the funeral profession, we would enjoy a crockpot of slowly cooked seasoned chicken with vegetables over rice after church. Then we would jump into our huge California King bed with down comforters and turn “Little House on the Prairie” on the television. To top it off, my husband and I would drift off to sleep snuggled up with our sweet little girls curled up in our arms. Ah, those were the days of gentle children and glorious slumber.

Yesterday, as we rushed home after church, we stopped to buy our chicken tenders at the local market. The clerk that works the deli came out to say hello. She is such a sweet woman, and seeing her bright smile each week sets a happy note in my heart until I see her again the following Sunday. I asked her how her Thanksgiving went, and she said it was good but that she had suffered some bad news. Over the holiday weekend, her mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

Wow, what a blow. How do you even respond to such news? I can’t imagine the stress and anguish her family must have experienced during the time of year when we celebrate our blessings. Such inopportune timing heightens the impact of dreadful news.

I spoke with her for a few moments and asked her to let me know if I could help in any way. I suggested a hospice with great nurses who treat their client families kindly and take great care of their patients. I offered to bring her some materials that address some of the future experiences and decisions that her family will face. More importantly, I offered my concern and love. When death happens, it isn’t what you did that matters so much to the survivor but that you cared. Offering support and love are the most vital and appreciated gifts you can give to those who are losing a loved one. Your support and love are just about the only thing they will remember.

When human beings suffer overwhelming stress, their minds are clouded with extreme grief. This level of distress creates a wave of stress hormones that interfere with daily brain functionality. Most likely, the family members won’t even remember if they have taken their medicines or what they ate for breakfast. It is impossible for them to remember who brought a dish of food or did their laundry. What they will remember is that someone did some service to show their love, and for that, they will be grateful. Do not be offended if they cannot remember that you rendered the service. The important thing is that they know that someone cares and loves them enough to take care of the things they cannot take care of. They will feel love, and that is precisely what they need.

When I was a little girl, my mother would say, “Remember, it is better to give than to receive.” In this case, you are giving love, and it is not essential that you receive appreciation or accolades for it. Your friend’s survival, physically and psychologically, is more important than your ego. As a child, I wasn’t always sure that my mother’s statement was accurate at Christmas time. Now that I am an adult, and in particular a funeral professional, I understand that those words hold great insight into the eternal purpose of the human race. For it is what we give that we receive. As a child, I may not have fully understood the immense value of giving service and love to others. Still, I was infinitely blessed to have great women who exemplified the words and admonitions of our Savior in my life.

As we enter another beautiful Christmas Season, I pray that you will recall the words of my mother; “Remember, it is better to give than to receive.” At a time in the world’s history when so many are downtrodden, and without hope, please reach out to those you know and those you see who need the services of another human being. Offer them a word of comfort, cheer, or recognition that they exist and that as a child of God, all humans matter. Forgive trespasses against you and rejoice in Christ’s redemptive blessings. Rejoice, for rather than governments, the Lord is King.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

HOLIDAY HELP

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:53:57 GMT

It is interesting how a client can bless and change your life. As a funeral director, I spend (on average) a week with my clients. During that time, I help them plan and carry out the final services for their deceased loved ones. More importantly, I try to help them through the anguish that death can impose upon them by presenting a favorable opportunity for grief recovery. Although I see my clients several times during the year, either at other funerals or perhaps at the grocery store, there are particular times of the year when I worry and pray for them individually.

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SPECIAL DAYS

Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are extremely stressful for survivors of loss.

The anticipation of these important dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself.

If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Now that we have officially entered the "Holiday Season," my worries and prayers are growing in frequency and earnestness for my clients. Holidays can be difficult even under the best circumstances; however, when you are facing your first holiday season without your loved one, and even your second, third, and so on, the holidays may seem daunting.

Survivors may face fear, loneliness, anger, sadness, stress, anxiety, and other psychological disturbances that are not generally associated with the season's joys. What do you suppose families and friends can do to support and assist those who mourn during the most wonderful time of the year? In speaking with my clients, I have compiled a list of some of their suggestions.

SAY SOMETHING

Although you may fear that saying something about their loss may bring them additional sadness, survivors already carry that burden. Acknowledgment from others helps survivors to know that their loved one is remembered and appreciated. Acknowledging their loved one's contributions to your life helps lift a bit of burden from their hearts.

DON'T ASK – JUST DO

Survivors express the discomfort they feel when people ask if there is something they can do to help. There is nothing you can do that will change the situation of loss; however, there is plenty you can do to express love and appreciation to the survivor. If you want to do something for the survivor, just do it. Show up with your snow plow and clear their driveway and sidewalks. Show up with your ladder and ask for the Christmas lights to hang across the front of the home. Email over a playlist of their decedent's favorite Christmas music. Or, if something comes to mind, realize you have been inspired and do it.

LISTEN

If the survivor begins telling you a story or recounts an experience about their loved one, simply sit there and listen. Their story does not require your opinion or stories about your life. Allow them to tell their story at their own pace and in their own words. An occasional "ah" or "oh" is an ample expression to show that you are listening.

MAKE EXTRA – DROP AT DOOR

If you are making a special dish or just a simple dinner, make a little extra and drop it at their door. A visit is not required and sometimes more than a survivor can bear. A plate of food says more than you can express through words. It shows that you are thinking of them, love them, and want to comfort them. That is enough.

CREATE A MEMORY TRADITION

This suggestion is more for those included within the survivor's intimate circle of family and friends; however, extended family, friends, co-workers, and associates can also contribute. Creating new traditions can be difficult, but the contributions of others are well appreciated.

A memory tradition could be a Christmas tree dedicated to the decedent. If you have a photo or particular story, you could have a personalized ornament made and give it as a gift to the survivor. Often, others will have photos that the survivor does not have or may not know exists. A photo or story ornament is a beautiful gift for a new memory tree tradition.

Some survivors live in smaller accommodations after loss. In this situation, they may have a memory garland rather than a tree. A memory garland can be draped across a fireplace mantle or hung with a stream of lights over an entryway. A memory wreath is also a thoughtful memory gift.

Another memory tradition is a memory stocking. A memory stocking can be filled with photos, stories, special candies, and tokens representing special places and events.

A memory tablecloth can be another unique holiday tradition. It can have memorable photos of the loved one printed on various blocks, and guests at Christmas dinner can write personal messages or memories on it. As the years pass, these messages will represent the path of grief recovery.

Memory gifts are ongoing and can change each year as new photos and stories are discovered.

BLESSING

If your family typically offers a special blessing at this time of year, include a blessing for the well-being and recovery of the survivors and their home.

As we enter this special time of year, I pray that the bereft will feel the love and protection of the Savior's promise to shepherd all those who seek Him. I hope that you will hear Him in the coming years of your life and that you will let God prevail during the trials and fears that come your way. I ask for a special blessing of recovery and pray that you will remember the life shared with those you love with fondness.

This morning a client came by my office. His brother passed earlier this year in connection with a lifelong disability. Witnessing the love and care my client rendered out of brotherly love has touched my heart. He shares that same love with those he meets because that is the caliber of his soul. It is interesting how a client can enrich your life with friendship and service. My client has taken the words of his Savior, “Love one another,” and applied them to every facet of his life. He has given me an example to aspire to.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

MO II

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:51:55 GMT

I was at an event last week when a friend of mine asked me if I thought she had done something to offend another of our friends. The friend asking is such a kind woman that I instantly knew the answer had to be a definitive no. After our conversation, I wondered if I had done something to offend our friend.

I hadn’t even considered that I might be the cause of our friend’s disappearance from our group, so I immediately tried to contact her. Unfortunately, she did not return my calls. I followed my efforts up with a drive to her office. Her door was locked, and her secretary came out to tell me that she was not available. Oh wow, I felt terrible. At this point, I was reasonably confident that I had indeed hurt my friend’s feelings. I tried to remember the last time I had been with her and what I had said and done. I couldn’t think of a thing, but that’s not unusual for me. I live a highly stressful lifestyle, so social details often slip past me.

I have few friends. With my lifestyle, I wonder that I have friends at all. I wonder how they tolerate me, how they confide in me, and how they continue, year after year, to overlook my friendship skills deficiency. Those friends that I do have, I love, and I feel terrible when I forget important dates or events. Fortunately, my friends forgive me. They overlook my discrepancies because they know me and my stress level. They love me and accept me as I am. Those, my dear readers, are the marks of great friends.

I have often vowed to invest myself in developing better friendship skills. Still, somehow my life’s priorities infringe on that goal. My work overrides most social activities, and I can’t wait to call or visit my children or grandchildren when I have a spare moment. Birthdays and anniversaries almost always slip past me; nevertheless, I love my friends and am grateful for their tolerance and kindness.

At long last, I was able to contact my missing friend. Our conversation made me feel terrible about myself. She assured me that I had done nothing to offend her but that she was suffering from the recent loss of her nephew’s life. I was her family’s funeral director; I should have known this. However, she is so high functioning that I wasn’t worried about her. She is an elected executive officeholder, organizes and provides services for others, owns her own business, and sees to the safety and comfort of her constituents. She is so capable that to see her falter (especially under such excruciating pain) breaks my heart. It also calls me out as a friendship failure.

Upon the death of her loved one, I asked her how she was doing. She assured me that she was okay. Therefore, I focused my worry on her brother, the father of her nephew. Sadly, he suffered extreme health concerns within a week of losing his son. I saw it coming when he was at my funeral home making arrangements. I should have, however, kept my eyes on his sister (my dear friend) too.

Moreover, my friend is a singing evangelist. Her voice is that of an angel. With those credentials, I figured she was good to go. That was my mistake. That was stupid of me.

I saw my friend today. We were at the wedding of another friend. Her angelic tones accompanied the beautiful bride as she entered the holy bonds of matrimony with her groom. After the vows were witnessed and recorded, I lingered to find my friend for a chat. I wanted her to know how deeply I have missed her and how honored I am to have her in my life. Her life has been heavily laden with grief, yet she has nurtured herself back to a place where she can bear those painful darts with grace and thanksgiving. She is a healer and has sought healing from a higher power. In her wisdom, she has found her strength through grace. I love her, and I am so thankful for her.

As we enter this holiday season, please be mindful and reach out to those suffering grief. They need you this time of year. I hope I can be a better friend, and with the assistance of my wonderful friends, I think I might make it there.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

HARDTIMES

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:50:10 GMT

You think the world will end when you are young, and you break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. You cry and tell all of your friends about the terrible break-up and how your sweetheart did you wrong. You are sad, think you are depressed, and perhaps you are right. However, you’ll recover after a while, and the subsequent handsome or beautiful love interest takes it all away. Would that all of life’s tragedies were so simply put right.

Later, when life has been long, sweethearts have become spouses, and love has grown into a family, losing your spouse is not an easy recovery. You are now mature enough to understand that although the world will not end, death is the end of the world as you have known it. Sadness does not even begin to express the depth of your emotional swells. Depression knocks at every corner and threatens to take your will to live away. Sadness, which used to be such a powerful word, now fades as an inept expression of your painful reality.

This may or may not be your current situation. Still, in most cases, losing a spouse may change your social standing, income, living space, identity, independence, companionship, emotional health, physical health, and many other things you rely on and love. Fear is a significant factor, especially for the elderly. Essentially, life has changed, and you must adjust to it. Adjusting is the only pathway to survival.

After the immediate physical necessities are arranged, it will be time for you to consider your emotional needs. Immediate physical necessities are laying your loved one to rest, solidifying appropriate and safe lodging, securing sufficient income, etc. Emotional needs must now become the focus. You must address your emotional and psychological recovery.

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LONELINESS

Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses.

Social loneliness may be curbed through social support.

Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment.

With such, a new attachment is the only remedy.

Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely.

This behavior is more common among the elderly. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Emotional loneliness may be curbed by finding new friends. New friends can be found in many ways. Interests, hobbies, social events, travel, and church are excellent avenues for discovering new friends. Focusing your attention on your children and grandchildren also helps you fill the emotional void of loneliness.

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HOBBIES

Hobbies occupy the mind and hands.

They engage our brains and keep them in good health.

Hobbies create a sense of accomplishment.

They propel us toward a healthier and happier grief recovery. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Hobbies also bolster confidence and self-worth. They are a big hitter. While enjoying yourself and making new friends, you might create beautiful items to give away as gifts or expand your health and happiness through sports and exercise.

Another outstanding curative possibility is the amazing power and friendship of animal companionship.

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ANIMAL COMPANIONSHIP

Animal companionship typically results in fewer migraines and less persistent fears.

Fewer phobias, lower levels of panic, and less drug and alcohol intake are very positive side effects associated with our furry friends.

The love and acceptance of a pet help us combat depression and isolation.

If you have a family pet, be mindful of their needs.

Taking Fido out for a brisk walk will provide both of you healthier opportunities for exercise, socialization, and companionship. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

PLEASE CONSIDER: If you are considering taking on a pet, please evaluate the responsibilities that come along with it. An animal depends on you for survival. You must be physically able to care for and provide for the animal. You may need to plan for the animal if anything happens to you.

The takeaway is that we must actively seek a remedy to grief when a loss occurs. Grief can be debilitating up to the inclusion of death itself. No one wants to see you suffer, and sometimes their suggestions may seem out in left field. Rather than be offended, realize that friends and family are trying to help ease your pain through concern and love for you. Additionally, others may not be able to bare seeing you suffer so profoundly and may avoid you. In such cases, they aim to prevent offending or adding to your pain by saying something stupid. In both cases, you are the only person who can control your reaction, and you are the only person who can decide whether you will recover.

Recovery requires a conscious decision and a conscious effort.

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Deliberate Recovery – 1st KEY TO RECOVERY

The first key is recovery is to DECIDE TO RECOVER. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Without this crucial decision, you are just spinning your wheels in misery. Moreover, you will continue there, in desperation, until you commit yourself to yourself. My hope, and my life’s work, is to help you find the will and the strength to make this commitment. My goal is to assist you in obtaining recovery and finding joy and peace. As we enter this holiday season, please reach out to those in your community of supporters for peace and understanding.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

DEATH OF A PARENT

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:47:42 GMT

The death of a young parent is challenging for the surviving parent. Not only must they deal with their grief and recovery, but young children must also be tenderly nurtured through their grief experience.

At the loss of a parent, young children may not understand what has happened, and they may be unable to understand the long-term ramifications forced upon them. There may also be insensitive adults or children at school who intentionally say unkind things. (I hope if you have children with a schoolmate suffering loss, you will sit down with them, explain what has happened, and offer ways that they might support the surviving child.) Moreover, schoolmates may fear that association with the survivor may cause the tragedy of death to spill over onto them or their families. Superstitions surrounding death may also become a factor at school, and the survivor may be ostracized for no reason. Such consequences would only add to the tragedy suffered by the surviving child.

If you are the surviving parent, ask the school to invite a grief counselor to offer information and suggestions to the student body. Grief counselors can provide guidelines for assisting with another’s grief, pressing fears that may exist, and appropriate versus inappropriate behavior and conduct during a loss. Pre-empting the fears and confusions of schoolmates not only helps the survivor but offers comfort and psychological control to the schoolmate that they might be suffering. Assisting a grieving survivor is difficult enough for adults; imagine how out-of-water children feel.

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LOSS OF A PARENT

The loss of a parent at any age is debilitating to their child’s core strength.

The loss of parental security is devastating at two years old or at 32 years old.

A parental loss may result in the loss of your greatest champion, your provider, your friend, your confidant, your favorite person ever, your emotional strength, and your protector. These losses are overwhelming for children and adults alike.

The loss of a parent may present an opportunity for self-evaluation, self-improvement, and inner growth.

Sometimes it is helpful to rely on a trusted and valued friend to help you recover from such a devastating loss. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Teachers should also have a grief counselor available to them. A teacher will play a vital role in protecting and assisting the child during recovery away from the protective and nurturing eye of the surviving parent. They will watch for sadness, lack of concentration, emotional breakdown, delinquent behaviors, and other vulnerabilities. Most likely, the teacher will lighten the workload for the survivor and anticipate a lull in the survivor’s usual level of performance. Teachers also understand that recovery may extend to temperament, organization, and concentration. All these areas will affect the student’s ability to keep up with their participation and grades.

Grief Brief 279

Loss of Parent

Children suffering parental bereavement tend to be more submissive and dependent, show a higher frequency of delinquent behavior, and perform less adequately in school.

Open communication about death before a crisis situation develops, is the primary way to help them cope with their bereavement. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Loss can be disastrous for a child’s self-esteem, confidence, self-worth, and will to live. Teachers will focus on these possibilities to protect the well-being of the surviving child. Please consider ongoing dialog with your child’s teachers and faculty. If at any time you are concerned with your child’s safety at school, notify the administrator. Schools have access to programs designed to protect your child against other children or themselves during instability. The loss of a parent is undoubtedly a time of emotional, psychological, and environmental instability. Your child deserves all the assistance available to them.

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Rejection

A child who suffers the loss of their parent may suffer feelings of abandonment.

In some instances, true abandonment is experienced.

These feelings and realities are horrendous to suffer.

If you know a child who has lost a parent and you are able to step forward, realize that you will never replace that parent in the child’s mind.

Agree with yourself that the help and assistance you render is reward enough.

The child may even express resentment toward the kind soul rendering their emotional assistance and physical support.

These are natural emotions and you should not accept them as a reflection upon your efforts.

Realize that the child’s emotions are a rejection of their parent’s death, rather than of you and your efforts.

In my opinion, every young child suffering the loss of one or both parents should have supervised professional counseling.

Parental loss is devastating, spiritually damaging, and should be taken seriously. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

The bottom line is that children need extra consideration when a parent dies. Due to their tender age, that consideration may be a lifelong need, especially if the loss is tragic or foul play was involved. Please take the time to recognize and educate yourself to the needs of children suffering loss. There is no excuse for a child’s community to abandon or not realize his/her particular needs during such a sorrowful time.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

ADOPTION

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:45:22 GMT

Today was a great day. My sister was adopted by our father. I have waited for this day for decades.

Last week, it seemed as though it would not happen. My father is ill in another state and unable to travel back to Texas. We notified the court as soon as we knew that our father would not be able to return for the court date. We asked the court if a limited power of attorney would suffice in our father's stead. The court would not answer the question. Instead, they told us to hire an attorney.

An attorney did not seem necessary as the adoption was not contested. I spoke with my sister and said the court did not say that a power of attorney would not work; however, they would not say it would either. In light of their refusal to commit to a definitive answer, we thought that a power of attorney would work. And, indeed, it did. My baby sister, the adorable little girl I grew up with, is now my sister legally.

My baby sister's birth mother passed away when she was a toddler. As her birth mother had been ill since my little sister's birth, my little sister has always lived with us. Her birth father and my father are brothers. My father was older than her father, and at the time of her mother's death, my father was married with a family in tow. It was natural that my father cared for his younger brother's daughter. Today, our family has been made whole. I wish our mother were still living so she could have witnessed the joy this day has brought us.

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LOSS OF A PARENT

The loss of a parent at any age is debilitating to their child's core strength.

The loss of parental security is devastating at two years old or at 32 years old.

The loss of a parent may present an opportunity for self-evaluation, self-improvement, and inner growth.

Sometimes it is helpful to rely on a trusted and valued friend to help you recover from such a devastating loss. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

After we left court this morning, I rode with my sister in her van up to Texarkana for breakfast.

On the way there, she told me that this had been a challenging month for her. I asked her how, and she told me that her cat, her favorite cat ever, had died at the beginning of the month. Not only that, but the cat died while resting in my baby sister's lap. Because the cat was having difficulties breathing, my sister put her finger in the cat's throat to sweep for any debris that may have been blocking her airway. When she did, the cat closed her mouth as death overtook her. As she closed her mouth, her canine punctured my sister's finger.

As the day came to an emotional close, my sister noticed that her punctured finger had begun to swell. Before too long, her finger was hurting and not looking so well. She went to the emergency room, and sure enough, she had Cat Scratch Fever. My sister was immediately rushed into a room where powerful antibiotics and treatments were administered. There she stayed for two days. She was released on the third day with additional antibiotics, and her finger is doing much better.

Emotionally, my sister is suffering extreme grief and does not understand why she cannot recover from the loss of her kitty. Because today was such a wonderful day for our family, I did not discuss her grief with her; however, I feel she suffers from complicated grief and probably needs extra support.

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Pet death

As with family and friends, the death of a pet may be equally painful.

The grief experience with human loss is predicated upon the depth of association.

The same holds true for our animal companions.

Animal companions may have taken the place of past loved ones.

They may even be the central emotional contact within our lives.

They may be our best friends, our confidants, or our only contact with another living soul for weeks on end.

If your animal companion is an integral part of your existence, expect to grieve their loss as you would any other dear friend or loved one.

You will most likely experience every phase of the grief cycle during recovery.

You may opt to bury your pet without ceremony.

You may choose to bury your pet with memorial or funeral services.

You may even choose to cremate your pet and have their cremains buried with you at your time of passing.

Whatever your final choices are for your pet's interment, realize that the passing of your animal companion may be just as debilitating as the loss of your human companions. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

When our mother could no longer reside in an assisted living facility in Texarkana, TX, my sister took her and our aunt home to Austin, TX. She took care of our mother and our aunt until January of this year, when they both died within a few weeks of each other.

In the latter stage of life, our mother suffered from dementia and, for safety reasons, was transferred to a nursing home. Although our mother was not in my sister's home at the time of her death, my sister continued to take care of her as much as possible until the day she died. My sister transported our aunt to north Texas for our mother's services the week of our mother's funeral. However, my aunt was too weak and did not survive the trip. As they arrived in town, they stopped by the emergency room, and the doctors thought it much more prudent to admit our aunt into their care. We buried our mother and our aunt within a week of each other.

It was a difficult time for all of us, but I thought it was particularly difficult for my sister. She had cared for our mother during the early stages of dementia, and there were times when our mother may not have been as kind as she would have been otherwise. These moments affected my sister, and I felt so badly about them. To add our aunt's death to all that was happening at that time was even more sorrow that my sister suffered.

The deaths of two women who played vital roles in your life and who both lived in your home during the final stages of life invite complicated grief. My sister, my other siblings, and their spouses all had COVID when our mother died, so her funeral services were delayed for three weeks. Life was a mess for everyone in our family in January of 2022.

Now, as 2022 winds down into 2023, my sister has suffered the loss of her beloved kitty. Having the kitty breathe its last breath in her lap brings everything to the surface. Although she tried to ignore it, my sister had moments of sorrowful memories mixed in with her adoption. It was sad that neither of our parents was there today, but at least all of our siblings were.

For me, today was bittersweet. I missed our mother so much while we were at the courthouse. I know she would have loved to have been there and that had she had her wits about her before she died, she would have adopted my sister before her death. Our mother was a Cajun woman from South Louisiana who loved her children fiercely. I have seen her on more than a few occasions go to fists over the protection of her children, not the least of which would be my youngest sister. She loved us all and never thought of my baby sister as anyone other than her child.

I hope our father recovers soon and returns to Texas in good health. My sister wants to celebrate this joyous and long-awaited occasion with him.

Grief is a wild and crazy beast. My sister has suffered incredible anguish in her life. Although the adoption is a joyous one, it has brought back painful and confusing memories for her. Stacking these painful memories with the loss of our mother and aunt earlier this year and now losing her beloved kitty has been a U-haul truck full of stress and agony for my sister. The death of her kitty was just the final straw in her grief struggles.

Grief Brief 269

Multiple Losses

If suffering multiple losses, a survivor must grieve each one separately.

Each decedent was loved separately; therefore, each must be grieved accordingly. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

I hope my sister's life slows down enough so she can grieve each of her losses in 2022.

She is a caring and loving person. She tries to make the world a better place and render love and service to those suffering around her. It is time for others to take care of her for a while. She needs time to heal.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the "Mikey Joe Children's Memorial" and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB's Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

ISOLATED

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:40:55 GMT

In the evenings, after the sun has rested behind the horizon, my husband and I retire to our room to watch TV together as we quiet down for the night. We have a reclining loveseat, so we sit side by side, usually holding hands, as the evening slips into nighttime. As we sit together, each of our daughters and grandchildren will usually call to say goodnight. Gratefully my days pass with loving words of endearment.

This routine gives me comfort. I rely on knowing that my children and grandchildren are safe, happy, and tucked away for a warm night of peaceful slumber. During the call, I usually hear the stories of their day's experiences, but the calls always end with expressions of love and appreciation. This is a peaceful way to end one's day, and I would not trade it for all the money in the world.

Last night as my husband and I sat on our reclining loveseat; we watched a program that has several episodes and multiple seasons within its series. We began watching season eight rather than season one. The series is about survival out in the wilderness without any other human companionship. The participants are allowed to choose a limited selection of tools they deem paramount to their successful completion of the series.

Some bring axes, while others bring saws. Some choose cord, while others bring wire. It is a matter of preference and prediction that each contestant chooses their tools for a challenging survival experience. I think it is insane because my priorities lie in comfort and convenience.

As I watch the contestants' struggles on this program, I always ask my husband, "Who would choose to do such an uncomfortable and insane thing?" I ask this because I cannot believe that these contestants willingly give up the comforts of home and the companionship of their family for this primeval experience. Even the dangle of wealth does not tempt me to want to consider such an insane endeavor.

Last night as we sat watching this program, two of the participants seemed to have their system for survival worked out very well. I was convinced one of them would be the last to tap out. Wow, was I wrong! Last night, one of the two participants (the one I favored) chose to tap his buzzer and go home.

This man was strong physically and had put into play a survival system where he had plenty of sustainable food, reliable and sturdy shelter, warmth, physical strength, emotional stability, and bravery. He had everything needed to survive except for one thing. He did not have the most precious thing known to man with him.

Of course, every contestant on the program battles solitude, the loneliness of being isolated without human companionship or distraction. The quiet moments where one's demons slip out to haunt them. This particular contestant, who has every indication of being the winner, suddenly tapped out of the competition. Before he called the producers to give his notice, he sat in front of his camera and explained his reason.

This man, who I thought would win the competition, revealed that he had lost his little girl to illness. While away from his family, he discovered that the possible winnings from the competition were not as valuable as his time and relationship with his wife and surviving minor son.

I admit I was disappointed that he dropped out of the competition because, in my heart, I knew he had the potential to win. Additionally, he had expressed that the winnings would relieve his monetary burdens allowing him more time with his family. In his farewell interview, he expressed his need to be with his family and his belief that nothing is more important.

As the program ended, I had a few tears streaming down my cheeks. This poor man was grieving in the woods, isolated under horrid conditions. How anyone ever thought that was a good idea is beyond me.

Support is vital when suffering grief. I learned that when I lost my grandson. Isolation, being alone, especially in a threatening, overly stressful, or dangerous environment, is not the answer. Grief has a way of isolating us from our regular routines and social events. Adding time alone in the woods and battling for survival is probably not all that healthy.

I wish I had a million dollars to give this grieving father so that he could spend all of his time with his family. Even though he left the program without winning the cash prize, I think he is the big winner. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what is essential in life. It's his family, his wife, and his surviving minor son. With that knowledge, he will always do what is right, and one day he will be able to tuck his pain into a place where he can live with it. That time never comes quickly enough for a survivor, but it comes. I pray that he can hold until that day happens for him.

Please join me in praying for him and his family. Pray for their comfort, their joy, and their healing. If we all pray together, perhaps the heavens will send down angels to tend them through their grief, and they will feel the loving embrace of Christ's peace. That is my prayer for them.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

EVERYONE IS SOMEONE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:37:54 GMT

I just got back to my office. I directed an early morning service for some friends of mine. Dr. Stanmore was the presiding pastor for the services. The decedent was his nephew.

Our funeral home was bursting at the seams with friendly faces offering their condolences to the decedent’s next of kin. With roaring laughter and tears of sorrow, a joyful noise filled our building.

As time moved along, the visitation ended, and the funeral service began. Prayers, scriptures, stories shared, and music lead up to the words of comfort offered by Dr. Stanmore. He began his time with tender guidance and moved to his message.

His message meant something to those in attendance. It meant something to me too. His words were an admonition to do better, to emulate the legacy of the decedent. His deceased nephew was the life of every event. I remember him. He was friendly, and fun, and he genuinely cared that your life was the best it could be.

At the close of his message, Dr. Stanmore encouraged all who were there to walk away from today’s popular attitude of “It’s all about me and none about you.” He taught the words of Christ to forgive and forget and to love your neighbor.

Everyone is someone and should be treated with courtesy, kindness, and respect. When did it become okay just to say, “Done with you” and walk away? The world is not a better place because it’s okay to be rude to others. Indeed, I see more depression and anxiety among the populace since people have broken loose of social courtesies.

As a grief counselor, I see complicated grief overtaking many people who would have otherwise been able to recover had they had a real social network rather than engaging in virtual insensitivities. I also see young adults walking away without engagement or emotion connected to human loss. It is as though people are walking around disconnected from reality. The danger in this is that there is reality, and one day it will kick them in their teeth. These young adults think the universe is all about them and none about anyone else. They are actually emotionally isolated. Emotional isolation proliferates insecurities into phobias and self-centeredness into delusional mental illness. Social isolation removes support in those moments when one needs quiet encouragement to move and grow forward.

I think it is important to remember that everyone is someone and should be treated with dignity. I think that everyone should be loved by their family and friends and that good deeds are worth more than money. I believe that respect for others and for self is essential for good mental health, and I believe that everyone should have a friend.

Be someone’s friend, it will change the world.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

THE GIFT OF REDEMPTION

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:35:44 GMT

Several years ago, a woman called my funeral home and asked me to visit her at a local nursing home. She was seeking funeral pricing information.

During our visit, she asked me for reading materials. A few days later, I returned with two books (that I had authored) for her reading pleasure.

Bright and early the very next morning, my phone rang. This same woman was on the line insisting that I return to the nursing home at once. I did as she bade.

Upon my arrival, she chastised me for writing something kind about someone she had grown up with. She informed me that I obviously did not know the man well and continued to relay his sordid history to me.

With gentleness, trying not to offend her further, I replied that through Christ’s mercy, even the worst among us are eligible for the gift of redemption.

I suggested that perhaps during the latter years of his life, this man, who had been unkind and unlikable as a younger man, may have changed. Perhaps his wife had forgiven him for his indiscretions and cruelties. Maybe his children had as well. At any rate, I expressed my unwillingness to harshly judge any of my clients, explaining that perhaps I turn a blind eye to history because my goal is to serve without judgment when life ends.

When I left the nursing home, I asked her if she would like for me to reclaim the books that had so adversely offended her. She declined my offer and opted to keep them. I felt reasonably sure this woman did not care for me at all, for her countenance suggested it, and her words expressed it without perplexity.

A few weeks ago, a man came to my funeral home. He informed me that he was here because his mother was near death. When I asked her name, I remembered my prior visits with her. During our conversation, I stated that I knew his mother and that she was a strong and assertive woman. He smiled at me, and with a wink of his eye, he said, “Well, she loathes the other guys in town, so you have her favor.”

At her service, I found my mind reviewing my conversations with her. I wondered if she had ever accepted my refusal to judge my client’s histories harshly. Over the years, I have thought of her often. I have found respect for her honesty and willingness to set things that she thought were wrong to rights. I have come to know many people in her family. In fact, some of her people are also some of my people. I have seen her strength and influence sustain them through difficult times of loss and disappointment. In particular, her strength and tenacity shored them up the day we laid her to rest.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

GRIEF RECOVERY FROM MULTIPLE DEATHS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:33:31 GMT

My client came to the funeral home with her mother’s clothes for dressing. As she entered the funeral home, I could see that something wasn’t quite right. I walked up to her and asked her how she was coping. I had buried her husband just a year ago, and since then, she has lost her brother and sister. Losing her mother amid all of this loss has potentially created a complicated recovery scenario for her.

She confirmed that she was indeed having difficulties coping, so we started a conversation reviewing the dangers of debilitating stress and recovery techniques to employ. My client is a brilliant, professional woman. My heart aches for her because I would not wish this much loss on anyone within a year’s time. Multiple deaths are complicated from which to recover because one does not have sufficient time to process each one independently.

At her mother’s committal, I took a few moments to offer condolences to her family. I provided a few suggestions to them that could assist them through their recovery journeys. One can use many wonderful techniques to aid in recovery; however, at the gravesite, I try to narrow them down to three. I try to decipher which strategies will best serve a particular family according to their personalities and family dynamics. The three I offered this specific family were based on my history with them.

My first suggestion was to minister to each other. If they will reach out to each other and serve each other, they will remain close as a family and know when one needs particular assistance on difficult days.

Multiple immediate kinship deaths have the potential to create hopelessness. Hopelessness is very dangerous and can open the gates to depression. Sadly, it is a reality that takes the joy from living and often leads to suicide. If you notice anyone falling prey to depression, do not attempt to treat this condition without professional assistance. Depression is something that must be treated medically.

SUGGESTION NUMBER ONE

There are many ways to reach out to someone who is grieving. Some of us do not feel comfortable having conversations about death or grief, so a simple text expressing thoughtfulness and support is more than enough.

SAMPLE TEXT SUGGESTIONS EXPRESSING THOUGHTFULNESS

Thinking of you today

You’re on my mind and in my heart today

Hoping you have comfort knowing you are loved

I love you and am thinking of you

You are in my thoughts and prayers

(Decedent’s name) was a great friend to me

Praying for you and your family

Although considered old-fashioned by some, a handwritten note on a lovely card or sheet of stationary says you care enough to go the extra mile. Such detail makes someone feel special and loved. Simply jotting two to four sentences expresses support and love.

SAMPLE NOTE CARDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better soon.

(Decedent’s name) was a special person and will be remembered by those of us who worked with him. He was always willing to help anyone having a difficult day, and his smile brought joy to our work day.

(Decedent’s name) was a loyal friend to me. I will miss him, but I will never forget the joy he brought into my life. He was always just a phone call away whenever I needed help. Good friends like (Decedent’s name) bless the lives of everyone they meet.

An email is great when you are trying to render service for someone.

SAMPLE EMAILS

You may not feel like going out with a big crowd, but I was wondering if you’d like a visit from a friend who misses (Decedent’s name) too? I was thinking of a walk along the beach or perhaps cookies and milk while we chat at home. I’m free most evenings except Wednesdays, but I thought this coming Friday would be a good night. Let me know if that works for you. Hope to see you soon.

(Survivor’s name) I thought I’d make you my famous Cajun Chicken Pasta next week. I’m going grocery shopping next Thursday morning (date), and I’d be happy to pick up any items you might be out of and drop them off with the Cajun Chicken Pasta dish. Let me know if you’d rather Thursday or Friday evening. I thought about some garlic bread too. Take care, and let me know if either of these days work for you.

SUGGESTION NUMBER TWO

My second suggestion to this family suffering multiple deaths was to journal. Journaling allows a survivor to record their thoughts and feelings. Recording your worries and stresses will enable you to let them go. It helps you to organize yourself and regain a modicum of control. It is a great recovery tool.

GRIEF BRIEF 92

JOURNALING

Journaling is an amazingly successful tool whose application catapults a survivor from debilitating grief toward recovery.

It allows the survivor to record their fondest memories of their loved one.

It offers comfort and testimony that their memories were true experiences.

It helps to organize the mind when disorganization rules one’s current world.

It ensures that written references are available for review as time clouds the mind.

It helps to relieve the stresses of debilitating loneliness, track one’s progress in their healing journey and offers tangible proof that improvement has been accomplished.

Journaling is a gift we give ourselves. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

SUGGESTION NUMBER THREE

My third and final suggestion to this grieving family was to turn their hearts over to their Lord or higher power, supplicating to Him through prayer or meditation.

GRIEF BRIEF 394

4 STEP PATHWAY TO RECOVERY

STEP 4: PRAYER

“…Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”

(Matthew 21:21-22)

Prayer is the most comforting tool available to you.

It is the tool that brings solace when you feel alone and chases away the demons that grief ushers in.

It is the link to Christ that blankets you with his peace.

And, it is the tool that opens the gate to the miracle of recovery. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

After their committal service was over, several family members came to talk with me. They were very grateful for these suggestions as they had already realized that they were having difficulties navigating their grief.

I hope they utilize these tips for their grief recovery. I also hope that you will take the time to investigate using these techniques if you are suffering multiple deaths.

Remember that simplicity works best when helping a survivor through their grief.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

AGRESSIVE FAMILIES

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 21:33:29 GMT

When families with latent hostilities come together under extreme stress, explosive behaviors may erupt within the blink of an eye. Death creates extreme stress for survivors. When blame or guilt is involved, the likelihood of violence moves ever more possible. If survivors engage in emotional callouts, violence becomes probable. In some cases, self-control may become impossible for those who have perceived or witnessed abuse (toward the decedent) by someone in attendance of final rites. As tempers rise, boiling points surface. If measures to calm are unsuccessful, brawling and other violent actions may ensue. Others in attendance may become fearful and leave services, while others may join the fray. Either way, such outbursts, and violence block recovery and result in unresolved closure.

GRIEF BRIEF 196

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Grief can sometimes cause survivors to behave aggressively.

This behavior should subside as recovery takes place.

If a survivor cannot control aggressive actions toward others, immediate preventative measures are necessary.

If one is in danger of harm from an aggressive survivor, the authorities should be called upon at once.

Medical intervention may indeed be required.

If you are a survivor who feels aggressive tendencies and are in fear of carrying out your aggression on others, you should consider contacting your medical practitioner for immediate assistance. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Although aggression should subside as recovery occurs, the period between death and funeral day is very short. It is absurd to anticipate that significant survivors’ healing will occur before services are completed. Historically, it is an insufficient allotment for recovery to even begin. Mingle in persons with violent propensities or low functioning coping skills, and the mix becomes progressively volatile.

There are employable measures that families may embrace to diminish the likelihood of misbehavior, aggression, or violence at their services. Arbitration, peacekeeping skills, and the advent of live streaming create an arsenal of de-escalation possibilities.

I once served a family that had a designated peacekeeper. The family recognized that they suffered blame over their loved one’s death and therefore took preventative measures to ensure that everyone at their services would feel welcome and safe. If at any time the peacekeeper felt that someone was becoming heated or in jeopardy of losing control, he would order the person to vacate the services until they could regain control of themselves. If the person refused to accommodate the request, the peacekeeper would call upon his designated posse to escort the offender away from any potential altercation. I witnessed the implementation of their plan, and it worked remarkably well.

I have served families that have incorporated other successful techniques such as different sides of the aisle, separate rooms with real-time broadcasting, unique stationary, or in extreme cases, independent services. With fair-minded impartiality, clearly defined boundaries, and alternative options, cooperative participation is often obtainable. Unfortunately, when alcohol or drugs, murder, betrayal, abandonment, lawlessness, or infidelity are involved, cooperation may be elusive.

Peaceful services bring more significant recovery with fewer complications interjected into the mix. If a family already has discontent and violent actions toward each other, piling mishaps at the funeral onto their mountain of hardships only exacerbates complicated grief recovery.

If your family is facing end-of-life services with potential violence and you would rather bypass the associated complications, a discussion with your funeral director might help you organize a viable action plan targeting de-escalation. If your family is well known for violence, the city may automatically post law enforcement officers at services or have them on standby. However, more often than not, simple respect toward each other is all that a family needs to get through services.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

PHONE NUMBERS AND OBITS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:47:13 GMT

GRIEF BRIEF 1

TOKENS OF AFFECTION

Visiting places or carrying objects that remind the survivor of the deceased is motivated through a fear of losing or forgetting precious memories.

Carrying tokens of affection has long been an accepted custom when one loves another.

One does not stop loving simply because their loved one has died.

If this custom is acceptable while living, why would it not be acceptable once a loved one has died?

It may be that after a time, carrying tokens of remembrance or visiting special places may no longer be necessary for the survivor.

Until that time comes, and as long as the behavior does not become compulsive, visiting special places and carrying tokens of remembrance are perfectly normal and comforting. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

My mother and brother-in-law passed away earlier this year. Both deaths carried difficult circumstances. Because of these circumstances, my husband and I have lingering issues that seem to keep the wounds of our losses active in our hearts.

My husband and I have our loved one’s phone numbers on our phones. Without collaboration, we have both chosen to keep their phone numbers rather than delete them. Every once in a while, my mother’s number comes up when I search my contacts. The same happens to my husband for his brother.

There is peace in the quiet moments when we see their numbers. We recall sweet memories, and a smile warms our hearts.

Others may think it is time for us to move on and erase their numbers from our phones. It may be years before we erase their numbers. It may also never happen. Having their numbers on our phones brings us comfort. It gives us something to look at whenever we think of them.

I know I will never be able to call my mother on the phone, but that’s okay. Her number is with me every day, and if I want to say something to her, I say it with my heart.

I also look at my mother’s obituary every so often. Although I know everything listed within its paragraphs, I still re-read it word for word. When I read my mother’s obituary, I think about our lives together. I recall my life with her when I was a little girl. I think about the lessons she taught me, and I review if I have taught those same lessons to my children. Re-reading my mother’s obituary helps me to be a better mother.

Periodically, I look up my brother-in-law’s obituary too. Re-reading his obituary helps me keep his memory close to my heart. I recall his kindness to my children and me, and my love for him grows deeper within my heart.

Keeping my mother and brother-in-law’s phone numbers on our phones and re-reading their obituaries may seem odd to some people. Still, for my husband and me, it helps us to heal and remember.

I hope our phone numbers will comfort our loved ones someday after we are gone. I hope they will re-read our obituaries and remember the fun, love, and lessons we shared. In my opinion, that is love.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

MO - MIKEY JOE 34

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:45:15 GMT

Today I will prepare for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will fly home. It is an all-day affair. I am visiting my daughter in another state. I came to help her recover from surgery. I have been here for six weeks.

Yesterday, my darling friend called my funeral home. Her family has suffered a tragic loss. I do not want to leave my daughter’s home; however, I am anxious to get home to help my friend. I leave conflicted.

I have experienced a tragic loss. I wish it weren’t so. I wish I didn’t feel the pain of my grandson’s loss each and every day, but I do. I have learned to live with it. I suppress the ache within my soul so that I can carry out my daily responsibilities. It doesn’t matter, though; the pain remains with me. It lies there, waiting for the moment that my head hits my pillow. When it does, it swells up and lingers with me until slumber overtakes my yearning to hold and love him with the intensity of a grandmother’s heart.

Children, no matter their age, are precious to those who love them. They steal our hearts and never return them to us. The sting of their death robs us of comfort, joy, and the anticipated experiences of enjoying a child growing up.

Time reverses itself, and things are out of order. Although I grow older, my life is frozen in the moment of his loss. Time stands still, never moving beyond the anguish I suffered when I held his lifeless, tiny, and innocent body. Every experience beyond that tragic moment fails to jump-start my joy as it once was, or ever will be again. Life is incomplete with the underlying absence of my dear, sweet boy.

Now I worry about my friend. She has lost her nephew. Her brother, also my dear friend, has lost his son. Their family must now overcome the deepest pain experienced by a circle of mourners; the loss of a child. I pray that they will live through such suppressive pain. It is too much to bear.

They are a spiritual family of evangelists. They believe in and praise God. I, too, acknowledge and praise God. Without faith, I do not believe I would have survived my grandson’s death. I hope they turn to God in their time of need for strength to get through the days that follow. For believers, His comfort is all that we can rely on. He is our strength, the power that sustains our lives through such tragedy and suffocating pain.

I shall see my friends on Wednesday. It will not be possible for me to see them without the force of my pain joining theirs. My heart is filled with sorrow for them because I know what is ahead for them. I know the self-doubt that comes, the anguish that floods a mournful soul, and the never-ending yearning to hold and love a lost child. I know the tears that flow, the chaos that overtakes, and the loss of will to live on.

As a grief counselor, I know they will suffer night after night, sleepless years of anguish, wondering what they could have done to prevent such tragic loss from materializing. My grandson died from natural causes; their child has not. They will suffer the unbearable pain of loss through suicide.

Losing a loved one can be so painful that companion deaths are not uncommon. To suffer the loss of your child (at his own hands) is barely survivable. The question now becomes, how do we help families who have suffered suicide within its ranks? There are a few things we can do to help.

The first and most important thing we can do for someone who has suffered a loss (primarily through suicide) is to hold onto them through love’s enduring strength. Doing this may be very difficult because the survivor may not want love expressed to them at this time.

The best way to show love to a survivor at their time of loss is to listen. Sometimes listening is painful, and it makes us very uncomfortable. Sometimes you may be listening to long periods of silence. It is essential not to interrupt the silence. Your survivor is silent because they are focused inwardly. They are trying to come to terms and find a place where their minds can sift through the chaos that death has imposed and intellectually understand what has happened. Whether the survivor is silent, crying, pleading, angry, screaming, or broken, the best thing you can do is be there. Allow them to express themselves in whatever manner they need.

The second thing you can do for your survivor is not to judge. This tragedy is so overwhelming that your survivor needs to know they are free to express whatever comes out without fear of judgment, condemnation, or reprisal. They need to know that no matter how they spew their pain, it will be met with acceptance. Your job is simply to be there, bear them up, and sustain their lives. Talking is not required, judging is not required, but listening, loving, and sustaining are the greatest gifts of all.

Remember, you are there for their needs, not your own. Supporting someone through tragic loss does not fulfill the supporter’s needs; rather, it preserves the survivor’s life. Hopefully, it carries them to a place where they are once again self-sustaining. Supporting a survivor calls for self-control and sacrifice. You must put their needs before your own because a survivor’s life can be fleeting at the early onset of loss.

After my grandson’s loss, not only did I think I would die, I wanted to die. It was the only way I could fathom that such pain would relinquish its hold on me. Had I not had other children and grandchildren holding my heart, I believe my heart would have indeed failed.

I am grateful for those who loved me through tragic loss, for those who served me, and for those who allowed me to express the most grueling pain and most profound sadness ever known. I am thankful they saved my life even when I wanted to give it up. I hope I can serve my dear friends through their loss as others served me through my own.

Tonight, as you lay your head down upon your pillow, and before slumber overtakes you, please say a prayer of comfort and recovery for all families suffering loss, most particularly for those who have lost a child or have suffered suicide.

I humbly pray for God’s blessings upon the earth. I pray that the arms of His comforting angels will engulf my dear friends and all those suffering at this time to quiet their anguish, bear their burdens, quell their fears, and bring peace to their souls.

If you, or someone you know, is at risk of suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 988. If you cannot remember that number, please call 911 immediately.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

PLANNING

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:41:27 GMT

Funerals are particularly important to survivors who were close to and deeply loved their decedent. Unfortunately, many people do not understand just how deep that importance runs.

GRIEF BRIEF 263

Purpose of Funerals

Funerals are for the living.

They serve to assist survivors in realizing that death has occurred.

They also help survivors move a loved one from a living participant in their lives to a loving memory.

Funerals usher in the beginning of the grief stages and assist in staving off the complications that arise in its absence. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Survivors, who were close to the decedent prior to death, held deeply rooted love, or experienced impactful influences during their time together find that a funeral and its accompanying services are significant. A next of kin who experienced a jaded or non-existent relationship with the decedent may not feel an urgency or need to host traditional services.

Such a situation can set up a complicated grief recovery for those who need the time and a space to say goodbye.

Within the time span of my funeral practice, I have, on occasion, witnessed this very scenario. It is heartbreaking to have extended family members come to me and beg for services when the next of kin has emphatically denied them.

Unfortunately, I am obligated to follow the next of kin’s wishes even when I know that following them will cause other family members difficulties and heartache. In such situations, I strongly recommend that the survivors being denied final services reach out and truthfully express their needs to the next of kin. Sometimes, when families come together with additional funding, the next of kin will allow the additional services. If this is not the case, the survivors being denied services may find it more comforting to find professional support through counseling. If, at any point, the survivor feels desperate or entertains thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please call 911 immediately. This can be a perilous time for survivors and needs to be handled by medical professionals.

GRIEF BRIEF 252

LONG RANGE CONSEQUIENCES

When survivors are in the midst of coordinating all of the details for final disposition, it is near impossible for them to clearly think through and understand the long-range consequences of their decisions.

Therefore, it is imperative that a capable funeral director be selected.

Through the knowledge, expertise, and experience of the highest caliber funeral director, survivors will be guided through the necessary legal decisions that will best serve them in establishing and protecting their future as they witness and enter into the new reality in which they must now exist. Mourning Lights, 2022)

Funeral directors spend extensive time learning their profession. In most states, they must be a college graduate in their field and serve an internship of one to three years. Additionally, they must pass state law and national board exams prior to their licenses being issued. They must undergo background checks into their legal, ethical, and financial histories and maintain the highest standards of conduct. If they fail in these requirements, they will most likely face disciplinary actions that put them at risk of losing their licenses. Becoming a funeral director is an expensive endeavor in both time and currency. Funeral directors are committed people and undergo ethical screening yearly.

Due to their extensive training, commitment, and ethical scrutiny, funeral directors are knowledgeable in many facets of their profession. If you have any questions, concerns, or unique ideas about your services, you should feel comfortable consulting with your funeral director about them. Some funeral directors excel in different areas of planning or may have outside experts available to them. Because of the many variables in funeral planning, a funeral director may consult with others within their field of labor or related fields. If at any time you feel underserved or concerned with the level of professionalism or care that you are experiencing, reach out immediately to the funeral home, and they should immediately correct the situation for you. If at that point you remain dissatisfied, you may, without additional cost, transfer your loved one to a different funeral home.

If you feel that the funeral director or funeral home has been negligent in their care, you may always reach out to your state’s funeral service commission for assistance.

You will most likely need to file an official statement of complaint, and the situation will be investigated. If negligence is validated, disciplinary actions will ensue. Due to the highest integrity and requirements placed upon the funeral profession, such circumstances are rare.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

LEGACY

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:38:53 GMT

My husband is a retired US Navy veteran. His career has been filled with amazing experiences. Those experiences have contributed to making him an amazing man. I am sure most military wives feel the same about their husbands, but do their children?

I was talking on the phone with my daughter the other day. Her husband also serves in the US Navy. She was talking about her father and his amazing experiences as a US Navy service member. She asked me to ask him to video himself telling the stories of his career. She said that she wanted them for her children and grandchildren.

My youngest daughter is a genealogist. She researches our family history as well as histories for other families seeking knowledge of their ancestral lineage. She is a historical detective. She finds information that others are unable to find; treasures of knowledge, and hidden history. She finds letters and documents and pieces together the lives of the deceased. She brings to life and reignites lost heritage.

That is what my other daughter was asking for when she asked for her father to record his history. She wants to preserve his legacy and make it a living part of her heritage for her children. Because she recognizes his outstanding qualities of honor, integrity, strength, loyalty, love, charity, dedication, and faith, she wants his story to be intact as it passes through the future generations of our family. She wants to ensure those virtues remain important and naturally ingrained into her posterity.

As an adult woman and mother to her children, my daughter sees that virtues sometimes slip away as generations pass. She has witnessed the struggle to recover those virtues within the previous generations of our family, and she does not want to see that happen to her future descendants.

The world is a tough place to live and a tough place to raise virtuous children. Children are bombarded from all angles to disregard the virtues of society and self, and to follow individualism as they interpret it. The problem with that is that children aren’t experienced or mature enough to understand the consequences of adult choices nor the importance of virtues. That is why they are children and have parents to guide, love, and teach them.

One hopes that children have parents who have decent objectives and are mature enough to have given up selfish behaviors and bad decisions. In the funeral profession, my daughter witnesses families who struggle with virtues and families who thrive through virtues. It is a perspective that she is fortunate to see. It has made her an excellent parent who understands the seriousness and failures of lawlessness and carelessness.

My daughter understands that it is easier to build upon a good foundation rather than start from scratch. Therefore, she wants to ensure that her father’s history and virtues are the foundation from which her children launch their lives.

I, like my daughter, am blessed with the tremendous fortune of having a good father. I grew up in the loving embrace of parents who loved the Lord and took the time to teach me the virtues of character and life. I appreciate my parents’ time and effort in teaching me to choose good over evil and incorporate virtue into my life rather than failure and heartache. Their focus was to raise strong, successful, loving, and caring children into virtuous adults. Even when their children may have tried to wander, they remained ever loving and gentle with us. They led us back to where we needed to be through kind nudges and loving directions.

As a parent, I have tried to follow the examples and loving guidance through which my parents tenderly raised me. I have tried to empower my children through the proven path of virtuous living, encouraging them to obtain their potential and serene happiness. Fortunately, before they came along, I married a stalwart man, undaunted by my goals and willing to join my crusade in parenting virtuous children.

My husband has been a good, generous, gentle-hearted, and virtuous father to our children and grandchildren. Our daughters attest to this truth through continual expressions of gratitude and love. My children have been incredibly blessed through him; thankfully, they realize and appreciate their good fortune. His influence has imprinted his virtues into their personalities, ways of life, and eternal souls.

I have passed along my daughter’s request for my husband to record his life’s history for her and his future descendants. I hope he will honor her precious request and provide his enduring legacy to our future family.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

MIND YOUR MANNERS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:35:03 GMT

Years ago, when my children were little, we lived in San Diego, CA. My husband was in the Navy, and his duty stations were there. We lived in San Diego for 20 years.

At the end of 20 years of military service, my husband and I had a big decision to make. We discussed our future and decided it was time for him to retire. Our decision was not based on his career but our children’s futures. At the time, we had young daughters, and we knew that if we stayed, the likelihood of losing at least one of them to violence was higher than we were willing to risk.

We had a thriving San Diego and North San Diego county area business during that time. Many people could not believe that overnight we decided to leave and that within one month, we were gone. Fortunately, our home sold before we even had the real estate sign up.

I think back at how difficult that move was for us. We gave up every ounce of wealth that we had. We fell from a nice income into poverty, and we suffered immeasurably. Our girls suffered too, but the suffering was worth it in the end because we saved our children from possible doom.

They are now loving, kind, respectful, and respectable adults.

Watching their parents work so hard for their futures taught them that nothing is free and that if you want a better life and out of poverty, you have to work for it.

They learned the virtues of ethical behavior and decisions, charity for others, and the tenacity to never give up on themselves. They learned to render service to those in need and that the right thing to do is always the right thing to do. These lessons have made my girls amazing women.

They are kind, benevolent, generous, sincere, honest, and praiseworthy. I love them, and I am so proud of them.

As a funeral practitioner, I see all sorts of violence. I see adults committing crimes against other adults. I see men killing women and women killing men. However, the worst thing I see is violence perpetrated by and on children.

I live in a small Texas county. My county is supposed to be safe, a small county where neighbors take care of neighbors.

To a greater extent, my county is like that. Lately, however, a few misguided souls have stepped out of line, and tragedy has struck us at our core. It’s not just in my county, but all around. I see it on the news across our beautiful country, and it breaks my soul.

I wonder why? Why has violence become so prevalent lately?

What has happened to neighbors helping and loving their neighbors? What has happened to people helping each other when misfortune comes their way?

I am not at home this week.

One of my daughters needed me to be with her for a while to help her through some health issues this month. I am back in a western state. Wow, how I miss the South where people say, “Yes, Sir,” and “Thank you, Mamm.” My daughter intervenes continuously when she sees me getting tight-jawed when someone says, “Yeah” to me at the checkout line, or a man forgets to be a gentleman and steps in front of me rather than yielding as he should.

Perhaps I was raised in a different time. I know I was. I see that courtesy is, for the most part, passé. That’s a shame. I was raised by a southern mother who taught her children that manners matter. But I have noticed that where the family breaks apart and manners are allowed to slacken, rudeness eventually leads to violence, and that violence can and sometimes does, lead to loss.

It seems a simplification to say that a loss of manners may lead to an eventual loss of life; however, the loss of manners is a loss of respect, and loss of respect absolutely leads to acts of violence. Violence is never the answer; it only leads to heartache, pain, and eventual loss.

I am tired of seeing children losing their lives because someone failed to learn respect. The answer is so simple. I plead with each of you to teach your children to respect themselves and others. Start with manners. Manners breed respect. Save your children by arming them with the basics of good behavior; one day, it might save their lives.

I have seen the miracles of good behavior. I have also seen the grim reapings of poor behavior. I can attest to you that good behavior and respect are where you should start. Imagine making the world a better place and saving the lives of America’s children by teaching them to mind their manners and respect others.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

ANXIETY

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:32:26 GMT

Most people do not expect anxiety to be a consequence of loss. After 20 years in the funeral profession, I have come to realize that anxiety is a natural response to loss.

Whenever a person undergoes change, anxiety rears itself. A few examples of experiences that cause anxiety would be moving, changing jobs, starting school, taking tests, divorce, loss, and other things that cause a change in your life. Loss is the ultimate life changer and therefore, naturally causes anxiety.

I have a dear friend who lost her husband a few years ago. Even though her husband left her with multiple retirements, social security, and a generous amount of insurance, she was very anxious about her future. It took her about 3 years to finally feel somewhat relaxed and secure in her life.

ANXIETY IS OUR RESPONSE TO FEAR

With death, our fear is generally caused by our insecurity about our future. I suggest that you might concentrate on planning your future as quickly as you are able. Figure out your financial situation and put into place steps to solidify your future financial needs. Some may need to reenter the job market, or depending on your age, stay where you are. Others may simply need to set up a budget and hold to it. Whatever your financial situation, examine it and plan for your future.

Your fears may not encompass financial worries. You may be fearful of being alone or living too far away from your children. Whatever your fears are, address them and organize a plan to manage them.

GRIEF BRIEF 26

ANXIETY

Anxiety is common among the bereaved.

A survivor may fear that without the support of the deceased, they will perish.

This may create a heightened sense of personal death awareness.

As one’s skills adjust to the absence of their loved one, so too should anxiety.

In the interim, survivors may find comfort in consulting a grief expert. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

ANXIETY IS HEIGHTENED BY WORRY

Worry robs you of your strength and your ability to maintain calm and complete thoughts. If left unaddressed, worry can lead to ailments that can negatively impact your health.

GRIEF BRIEF 15

WORRY

Worry exacerbates fatigue and grief.

If you are experiencing the phases of grief, chances are, your unwelcome companion is worry.

Since worry exacerbates your experience, it can be a good practice to address your worries sooner rather than later.

If you find that your level of functionality interferes with your ability to settle logically your worries with sound and calming strategies, a trusted friend or experienced counselor might be able to assist you. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

ANXIETY IS BROUGHT ON BY GUILT OR REGRET

If you have unfinished business with the decedent, or if your experiences together have left you with intense insecurities, seek to settle these issues immediately. Analyze the cause of your feelings and take immediate action to rectify them.

GRIEF BRIEF 25

GUILT I

Guilt is common among survivors.

Usually, guilt is equated to something that did or did not transpire in connection to the death.

Guilt is generally irrational and dissipates itself through reality adjustments.

If guilt is justifiably connected to death, intervention counseling should be engaged as soon as possible. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

THERE ARE PROVEN METHODS ONE CAN EMPLOY TO LESSON ANXIETY

When it comes to loss, it seems to me that the greatest contributor to anxiety is the unknown. The fact that one’s future is suddenly uncertain is disconcerting.

GRIEF COUNSELING CAN ASSIST YOU IN DEVELOPING COPING SKILLS

These skills will help you organize your worries and incorporate successful anxiety management strategies.

GRIEF BRIEF 40

PSYCHOTHERAPY

For complicated grief, psychotherapy is sometimes warranted.

Counseling can help a survivor identify unhealthy habits and encourage positive growth.

It can yield a recovery plan that the survivor is unable to identify, implement, and accomplish on his or her own. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

SUPPORT IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF ANXIETY RECOVERY

Widows in particular need the support of others when experiencing the insecurities of anxiety.

GRIEF BRIEF 29

HELPLESSNESS I

Widows, in particular, experience feelings of helplessness.

It is not uncommon for widows to suffer such feelings for an extended period of time.

Family and friends play an important rehabilitative role during this period of insecurity.

This role may be minimal, as in morale encouragement.

It may, however, be extensive and require a more hands-on approach, leading up to and including daily functional participation. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

ALLOW OTHERS TO HELP

Some of your best advice will come from someone who has already experienced loss and recovery. Family and friends who love and care for you are willing and want to help you through this most difficult time in your life. Allow them to be there for you and assist you through the loneliness, fear, anxiety, and worries of loss. Doing so will lighten your burdens and help you return to a place where peace can push away your anxieties.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

WHEN DHILDREN DIE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:29:20 GMT

When children die, parental recovery may be slow in coming. Indeed, recovery may prove elusive for the duration of the parent’s life. The same is true whether the child is an infant or an adult at the time of death. The fact is that we never plan to bury our children. We expect they shall bury us, so we never prepare ourselves for such an unthinkable turn of events.

I wish I could say that losing a child is never in a parent’s future, but I would be lying. Many parents lose their children to miscarriage, drug abuse, accidents, pregnancy complications, etc. Parents lose their children in many ways. Should your child die, expect the police to investigate the cause of death.

When a decedent is autopsied, the cause of death is generally listed as pending until the forensic team can pinpoint why the death occurred. Many times, the decedent will be sent out for autopsy. A licensed Pathologist performs an autopsy. The organs are removed from the decedent’s body cavity, weighed, and prepared for various tests. The body is inspected for injuries and for anything that seems unusual. Evidence is collected from the place of death, and investigations may be ordered.

At this stage of loss, the death certificate is generally designated as cause of death pending. If death certificates are issued during this designation, expect to need new death certificates once the actual cause of death is discovered. Families will most likely want to wait for the cause of death to be determined prior to ordering the death certificates. Should they order prior to the cause of death being determined, an amendment will need to be filled, and then reordering will become necessary for all legal actions.

The murder of a child is unconscionable. Yet it happens. If you have lost a child to brutality or snatching, my heart goes out to you. Your struggle will be difficult, slow, and long. Please find yourself someone that has gone through this before. This parent may very well be the medicine you have been looking for. Parents who survive the loss of a child are very willing to help others suffering such loss and heartache.

In my opinion, a grief counselor or therapist specializing in child loss should be engaged. They are trained to assist the parent adopt coping skills and strategies that will help them.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

DRILL SERGEANT

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:25:43 GMT

Drill Sergeants are tough guys. I know because I married one. Technically, my husband was a Company Commander because that’s what they call a Drill Sergeant in the Navy. But a Drill Sergeant is a Drill Sergeant, no matter what military branch they serve.

I met my husband just as he was becoming a Company Commander, and we were married before he became a Hovercraft Pilot. That was over 30 years ago. The time has passed by so quickly. Now we are grandparents. I really love that title. I really love the little ones that come along with it.

Two of my beloved grandchildren have been with us for the month of July. They will be leaving at the end of the month because their parents miss them, and I have to travel to a western state to care for my youngest daughter, who is away at college. She is having two surgeries, and her mother must be there to help her recover.

I love that title too, mother. My greatest joys have stemmed from three titles, wife, mother, and grandmother. My two grandchildren celebrated birthdays while they were here. They are now five and eight, such precious ages.

I am grateful for my daughters and my husband. I could not have asked for better children or a more perfect marriage partner. My life has been joyful and fulfilling. Grandchildren, however, bring a whole new aspect to life. My summer vacation spent with my grandchildren at home has been my best ever. Move over, Disney. It only took two little children to displace you as the happiest place on earth.

When I married my husband, I had no idea what being a military wife was all about. I certainly had no idea what being married to a Company Commander would be like. Company Commanders, a.k.a. Drill Sergeants, are very precise people. They have to be. Lives depend on their level of effectiveness. You might think that is a bold statement. Let me give you an example.

My husband led the first set of Hovercraft to serve in war. The war was Desert Storm. During one operation, my husband found himself and his crew in a minefield. He had to rely upon men working on accompanying ships to get him out safely. The men on the other vessels were using radar and other techniques to read the field and guide him and his crew back to safety.

The next day, after escaping such danger with his life intact, the Captain called my husband to a specific place on the ship. When he entered the room, it was filled with younger men. These were the men who had worked so diligently to ensure the safe return of my husband and his crew from the minefield. He began to recognize the men. They had all been recruits that he had trained during boot camp. Had their training been less than exceptional, my husband and his crew might not have made it back safely. During his time with them, he had taught them the importance of dedication, loyalty, precision, and ethics. These principles saved his life.

My daughter and her husband sent our grandchildren to Texas to be with us because she knows that we love them so much, but also for another reason. She wants her children to learn these same principles from their grandfather. She wants them to learn honor, duty, dedication, loyalty, ethics, love, generosity, precision, and kindness. She sent them to the man who she knew would instill these virtues in the most important people in his life. She sent them to her father, their grandfather.

This past week I had the honor of directing a funeral for a family where the patriarch had also served as a Drill Sergeant. He gave the Eulogy and Words of Comfort for his younger brother. He was well-spoken, precise, sharp, honorable, dedicated, loyal, and filled with love, generosity, and kindness. His children were respectful, well-behaved, helpful, and supportive.

These are the caliber of men and women of the United States Military. They are decent, honorable, dedicated, loyal, ethical, and kind. They do the job they are responsible for, and they do it well. Additionally, they incorporate the lessons they have learned through service and discipline into their souls and share it with those around them.

It was an honor to serve this military family. There was never any question of how things would go at the service. The former Drill Sergeant had an organized plan, he implemented it from start to finish, and he never wavered. He honored his family, his country, my funeral home, and the guests in attendance.

I hope my daughter will allow us to have our grandchildren next summer. We have enjoyed them immensely, but equally as important, they have experienced time with their grandfather, a man of duty, sincerity, honor, love, precision, and gentle kindness. My daughter understands that although virtues may not seem prevalent in today’s society, they are necessary for success and happiness.

Because of their training, my husband’s recruits saved his life. For that, I remain eternally grateful. Because of his training, my client’s family received a dignified service of excellence for their departed loved one. Military precision is a beautiful thing to see, an important thing to learn, and a lifesaving virtue.

At the close of their loved one’s service, one of the family members was overheard saying that his time in the military saved his life. His veteran family and friends gave a Hooah, and their service was concluded.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

THE DD214

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:23:33 GMT

If you would like to have the pageantry of military honors presented at your deceased veteran’s end-of-life services, you must produce a DD214 to your funeral director so that they can offer it as proof when requesting honors. One may not even obtain the issue of an American flag to drape the decedent’s casket without this simple piece of paper.

Many civilians wonder why nothing can be accomplished without the DD214. After all, other proofs of military service are generally found within the custody of family members. Why won’t one of those work? What about pictures of their loved one engaged in military operations? In the minds of family members, photographs provide visual proof of military service. Therefore, they wonder why a funeral director will not act with such vivid evidence. What is so special about the DD214 that nothing else will suffice?

As a funeral director, I am often faced with these questions from survivors of military veterans. Many survivors will try to bargain and offer to cut down on the options of honors by simply going for the flag to drape over the casket. Others will offer to buy their own flag if the funeral director will step forward, fold the flag, and present it to the family. These requests are heartbreaking because the answer from the funeral director is an emphatic “No.”

Military Honor Details impart gratitude and respect from our citizenry for the veteran’s selfless acts of valor, it is a moment of recognition from the Commander and Chief for the particular sacrifices associated with military service suffered by the veteran and his or her family, and it marks the void within the ranks of service members upon their loss of one of their own. It is deserving, it is official, and it moves the soul.

A funeral director cannot impersonate a military honor detail and present honors at the funeral of a deceased veteran. By virtue of impersonation, the honor is absent. Military honors are presented by those who have, or are currently serving and defending, the people of the United States and the world at large. It is a rite of passage, an honor presented by one who shares that same honor, who understands and has experienced the same sacrifices, and by one who willingly defends, or has defended, another’s liberties while setting aside his or her own. This is the caliber of person who serves in the United States Military. A funeral director does not carry that same honor, has not made those same sacrifices, and in no way should ever attempt to devalue the service member’s commitment, sacrifices, and sufferings through impersonation.

So why is the DD214 the only acceptable proof for military honors? The answer is simple. Military Honors are presented to honorable military service members only. The DD214 is the official paper issued upon separation of service, which carries the designation of discharge. Section 578 of the National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2000 requires the Department of Defense (DOD) to provide, upon request, Military Funeral Honors (MFH) for eligible veterans. Any person (Active, National Guard, or Reserve) who has completed at least one enlistment or other obligated military service and received an honorable discharge is eligible for Military Funeral Honors. Military Funeral Honors may not be furnished for any individual convicted of a capital offense under federal or state law for which the person was sentenced to death or life without parole.

Eligibility for Military Funeral Honors

5-2.1 Served in the active military, naval, or air service and who was discharged or released under conditions other than dishonorable by means of an honorable or under honorable conditions (general) discharge; or

5-2.2 Was a member or former member of the selected reserve; and

5-2.3 Completed at least one (1) enlistment as a member of the selected reserve or, in the case of an officer, completed the initial obligated service as a member of the selected reserve; or

5-2.4 Was discharged before completion of the person’s initial enlistment as a member of the selected reserve or, in the case of an officer, period of initial obligated service as a member of the selected reserve, for a disability or aggravated in life of duty; or

5-2.5 Died while a member of the selected reserve.

(Military Funeral Honors Handbook, Dated 11 November 2010 Chapter 5, Eligibility for Military Funeral Honors, 5-2.1 through 5-2.5)

On the flip side, individuals who have, at any time, been discharged or released from military service with one of the following characterizations are NOT eligible for Military Funeral Honors.

5-4.1 Dishonorable discharge

5-4.2 Bad conduct discharge

5-4.3 Dismissal from the service awarded by a court-martial

5-4.4 Under other than honorable conditions discharge

5-4.4 An officer’s resignation for the good of the service in lieu of court-martial, which results in a discharge of under other than honorable conditions.

(Military Funeral Honors Handbook, Dated 11 November 2010 Chapter 5, Eligibility for Military Funeral Honors, 5-4.1 through 5-4.5)

That’s as simple as it gets. In a world where dishonor has become acceptable, honorable men and women must present proof of their honor upon death.

God Bless America, her purpose, and her honorable, selfless, military service members.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Post Script: In case of loss by the veteran and destruction through fire or flood by the US Government, an NA Form 13038, Certification of Military Service may be issued upon request through the National Personnel Records Centers, National Archives, to reconstruct military service data, and may suffice in lieu of a DD Form 214, Report of Separation, as it generally contains the terms or designation of separation.

MISS ROSIE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:20:36 GMT

A traditional funeral service is one of expression and time-honored segments. It is lovely, spiritual, and comforting to those in attendance. It ushers in the recovery sequence that all who loved and cared for the decedent must experience.

I directed such a funeral this week. It was an honor to do so. Miss Rosie, the widow, loved her husband so much. Of that, there is no doubt.

Their children traveled home, back to the small town where they grew into adults. They were so tender with their mother. They anticipate the adjustments she will experience as she traverses grief recovery, and they endeavor to assist her through its trials.

It will be difficult for her. She is alone, and her children and grandchildren live very far away. I don’t know that she is up to extended travel. She may opt to ask them to travel to her periodically, especially on days that may be difficult; days of anniversaries and milestones.

The entire family, extended family included, arrived at the church with perfect timing. They were all dressed in beautiful royal blue with complimenting boutonnieres and corsages. They were orderly and lined up according to kinship for the procession. They were cooperative and considerate.

The preachers were eloquent. Their words brought comfort and solace and delivered hope for the future. The eulogist vacillated from humorous to serious tales, showing the realities of life’s highs and lows—his words causing reflections and inspiring promise.

At the conclusion of the service, one by one, this voluminous family passed by their loved one’s casket for their parting farewell. Each paused as if to bid adieu silently, and as they did, each reached into his casket and patted his shoulder.

GRIEF BRIEF 416

PATTING

Research has found that touch is vital for human beings when communicating emotions and maintaining relationships. During loss, emotions may be supercharged, thereby making comfort through touch a problematic or somewhat awkward situation to broach.

As the comforter, touching is a natural tendency; however, as the comforted, touch may be very disconcerting.

We might find ourselves in an uncomfortable stalemate of wanting to reach out to comfort, but not knowing what is acceptable or possibly offensive. We may not know what to say, what to do, or how to touch.

A handshake might be misconstrued as a congratulatory gesture, and a hug may overstep the boundaries of familiarity.

The key is to find a socially acceptable and comforting touch at such a vulnerable and hyper-emotional time. That touch might very well be patting.

Touch can activate particular areas of the brain which influence thought processes, reactions, feelings, emotions, and decision-making.

It can be calming and reassuring during times of distress, anxiety, and depression (PubMed.gov PMID: 27225036, DOI: 10.1177/1088868316650307) and can reduce feelings of loneliness and sadness. (National Library of Medicine PMCID:PMC7250541/PMID: 32837856)

Human touch improves the outcomes for those experiencing mental health conditions.

Patting is associated with a mother’s nurturing touch. It imparts the soothing comfort, love, and protection she offers her children during times of fear, growth, distress, and trial. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

The moment Miss Rosie dreaded was upon her. I looked her in the eyes and walked over to assist her. With my arm under hers, she rose to her feet. Weakly she took her first step and then another. She reached the casket, and I heard her soul break. I patted her hand, and then I wrapped my arm around her and patted her shoulder. I thought she would fall, but she mustered her strength and reached out to her beloved husband. She, in turn, patted him farewell as each of her family members had done before her.

She tried to turn and walk away but could not. She began to sob. She reached out to him once again and patted his head, hair, cheek, mouth, heart, hands, and shoulder, and then she hesitated. Before she walked away, she repeated her gestures of comfort, love, and protection to her husband and patted him adieu. She straightened his tie, kissed his cheek, and signaled me to close the casket.

She thought she could bear it, but she could not. Her knees, weak from emotional distress, failed her, and she was forced to sit down. Her children came forward and closed their dear father’s casket. It was done. They had seen him for the last time on earth.

We traveled to the cemetery, and amid the East Texas heat, her husband was interred. Her sobs were those of sadness, love, commitment, and triumph. Miss Rosie loved her husband; of that, there is no doubt. I believe he will be waiting to greet her when her time comes. And, as they embrace at the mercy seat, I believe he will pat her back, touch her cheek, and welcome her home.

HELPING CHILDREN WITH EXTENDED OR COMPLICATED GRIEF

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:17:57 GMT

I finally have my grandchildren here for the summer. Of course, there will be fun, but there will also be work during their visit. My grandchildren lost their brother four years ago. Now that they have been with me for a week, I see that my grandson continues to suffer grief. In fact, the most pronounced effects of grief that he has yet to overcome are anger and aggression. He has turned eight since his arrival, and we will work on overcoming his anger while we are together.

How does one assist a child suffering grief associated anger and aggression? It is a difficult situation. At this point, I believe the best option is to enlist professional counselors specializing in pediatric care. As his grandmother, I would never find a grief counselor who would love him more or care more about his treatment than I do. However, as his grandmother and a certified grief counselor, I know he would be better served by someone emotionally detached from our loss.

So how do you know when your child or grandchild might benefit from professional grief counseling? There are signs and symptoms for which you should look. If you notice these signs or symptoms, I would advise you to seriously consider an evaluation by a counselor at the very least.

Signs that your child may need professional assistance for grief recovery

Nightmares

Belief that the world is generally unsafe

Irritability, anger, moodiness

Poor concentration

Appetite or sleep disturbances

Ongoing behavior problems

Persistent regression to earlier behavior in young children, such as clinginess, bedwetting, or thumb sucking

Detachment or withdrawal from others

Use of alcohol or drugs in teens

Inability or refusal to go to school, learn, or play with others

Anxiety

Ongoing depression

Suicidal thoughts

Most insurance will cover the cost of the evaluation and treatments should they be determined necessary. To begin the process, you should speak with your child’s pediatrician. He or she will make the referral for evaluation. Unless your child is violent, I would not recommend medication at this point. Allow the experts to do their job and get your child the best care available.

If you see your child or grandchild suffering these signs, seek assistance immediately. Do not delay thinking it will pass or that you can help them out of it. These are serious moments and call for serious actions. Please don’t wait until they are embedded psychological ailments.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Captain

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 20:03:21 GMT

One of my first cases as a funeral home owner was a woman who lived next to a retired fire chief. The woman died without family or means. The retired fire chief and his kind wife arranged their neighbor’s funeral, paid for it in full, and adopted her surviving dog. Their generosity impacted me deeply and over the years, as I have grown to know them even more, their kindness to others has never waned.

Life has not been perfect for this couple. They have suffered loss, pain, and disappointment. Over the course of our association, I have buried three of their four adult children. The fire chief suffered physically from the demands of his employment and due to malfunctioning spine implants, lived the final stages of his life paralyzed. Through all of his misfortune, he never lost sight of his purpose in life, never became angry or bitter, and always remained as he always had been, honorable and benevolent.

His devoted wife, through the demands of caring for him, never sought respite. She worked incessantly to ensure that his needs and comfort were met. She loved him more than she loved anyone or anything else. She saw to him as those few years known as the golden years passed them by without reward.

Throughout my career as a funeral practitioner, there have been family members come to the funeral home and help with the expenses of others within their families. We have also seen persons within the community donate contributory funds toward funding shortfalls. However, only two people have ever come to the funeral home to pay an unrelated or unacquainted person’s complete funeral bill; Captain Cromeans is one of those persons.

We buried him yesterday. His friends and family filled my funeral home. Firefighters respectfully manned the entry and stood as centuries beside his remains. Their respect and love for him were evident by their reverence. The highways and roads were blocked by his escort of fire trucks, EMS vehicles, and police cruisers. As his procession traveled to the cemetery, it included those he served, those he saved, and those he loved.

Firefighter's Prayer

When I am called to duty, God, whenever flames may rage;

Give me the strength to save some life, whatever be its age.
Help me embrace a little child before it's too late
Or save an older person from the horror of that fate.
Enable me to be alert and hear the weakest shout,
And quickly and efficiently to put the fire out.
I want to fill my calling to give the best in me,
To guard my every neighbor and protect their property.
And if, according to my fate, I am to lose my life;
Please bless with your protecting hand my children and my wife.

~Gainsville.org

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

My Grandson's Grief

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 12 Dec 2022 19:36:35 GMT

Grief Brief 271

Child’s Grief

Children love without prejudice; therefore, their attachments are pure and deeply seated within their souls.

Upon the loss of a loved one, a child's grief may be extreme.

Children do not mourn on the same timetable as adults.

They tend to mourn in growth spurts of comprehension.

They may seem perfectly fine, and then out of the blue, you may notice signs that things are not alright.

The discussion of death is an important one that must be delivered on the child's level of understanding.

It may be that as the child matures and his/her understanding increases, the discussion of death needs to be revisited.

If a child is having difficulties with behavior, fear, sadness, loneliness, motivation, attachment, etc., consulting with a grief counselor might be advisable.

Parents might consider the value of common religious affiliation in their selection of a counselor for their child. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

My daughter lost her third child, a son, four years ago. Since then, she has delivered a lovely little daughter, whom we adore. She now has three living children. It seems that those four years have crawled by since that dreadful day of death. The pain I suffered from my grandson's loss was suffocating. At times, I wondered if I could live through it. I have missed him so much.

As time has passed, I have come to a place where I think of him every day with joy and laughter. I think of all of the things we would be doing if he were living. In my mind, I imagine him climbing trees, stomping in mud puddles, and hunting with his grandpa. That warms my heart. I miss him, and some days my heart aches for him. On those days, I say a prayer, and through heavenly messengers, send him a little message from my heart to his. I say good morning to him each and every day as I enter my funeral home because he is buried on the funeral home property. I had him buried here for a specific reason: I wanted to have him near me.

I think having him near me has helped me adjust to his death. Although he is deceased, he remains within my watchful gaze, and I can walk out of my door at any time to say hello, or have a quick glance at his headstone. It brings me comfort and gives me more time with him. My life is so busy that if I had to get in my car and drive to a cemetery, I would see him very little. Having him here next to me is a blessing.

My daughter and her family live in the northern United States. They only get to see his grave when they visit me. My surviving grandson misses his little brother most profoundly. He does not understand why his little brother had to die. My grandson is now eight years old. He has two little sisters to love, protect, and play with, but he still misses his brother and wishes he were alive.

Yesterday, my daughter miscarried her current pregnancy. My grandson is taking it hard. He doesn't understand why their family has lost another child or why there is not a baby to bury.

As I spoke with him on the phone last night, I asked him if he remembered how some of the seeds we planted in our garden pots last year didn't grow. He said that he did. I asked him if he knew why. He said he did not know why, because he had watered, fertilized, and tended all the pots of seeds equally. I explained that even when we do all that we know to do, sometimes, scientifically, something is missing, and things do not work out. I continued and explained that pregnancy is scientific too. And, sometimes, without knowing why, and even when we have done everything correctly, they don't work out either. That is when a miscarriage occurs. He was comforted by my words because he could relate them to his living experience with the garden. He was able to accept the result based on scientific trial and evidence within his level of understanding.

My grandson will continue to mourn the loss of his two siblings, but he now has some understanding of miscarriage. That understanding will make his recovery from this second loss easier to accept and facilitate his recovery. As time passes by, each time his understanding of the world and how things work increases, he will revisit his concept of death. I hope at each of his intervals, I will have cohesive and relatable answers for him.

My daughter and her family will travel to Texas for the Christmas season. She will visit her son's grave at my funeral home. Her son and the rest of her family will too. I will give them a moment in privacy, and then I will join them. My grandchildren will set little gifts upon their brother's headstone, and we will sing him some Christmas carols. My grandchildren will include their little brother in their Christmas traditions, and then they will return to their home up north until summer arrives.

Until that time, I will say hello to my grandson every morning as I arrive at my funeral home for work. Once my grandchildren return for summer, we will do it together. That is our life with one of our babies lying in the earth.

As we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, I give thanks for His life and for His redeeming sacrifice for all who live. Because of Him, I have hope that my grandson and our recently miscarried baby will one day reunite with our family. I invite you to join me in celebrating the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. And, like me, I hope you will find comfort in His promise of immortality and redemption. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

I pray the peace that Christ offers us will fill your heart and home this holiday season and that you will find joy in your life again. "For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace" Isaiah 9:6.

May God and His boundless peace be with you; Merry Christmas.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Porch Cards - Mikey Joe 33

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 01:02:52 GMT

My daughter and I were speaking last week. She told me about a woman in her neighborhood who was involved in an accident. This particular woman is a young mother who was strolling her baby when a motorcyclist lost control of his vehicle and ran over them. The mother remains hospitalized in a coma. Fortunately, the baby was released into her father’s care after a time.

This creates a problematic situation for the father. Naturally, he is concerned and fearful for his wife’s condition. He may wonder if she will survive, he may also wonder what her quality of life will be if she does. He now has wee children at home without a mother’s tender and watchful care. How is he to care for them while working to provide for them? What if he has to bury his wife? What will the psychological effects be on their children without their mother loving and caring for them as they grow into adults?

Many questions remain unanswerable for this family. My daughter wants to reach out to them and offer her assistance. She asked me what she could do. She doesn’t know the family well, so cooking food for them would probably not be acceptable. We discussed several ideas that I thought were viable, so I wanted to share them with you.

Simply offering to help does not always assist a family in need. Families under enormous stress cannot reasonably decipher their immediate, much less, future needs. Suggesting something specific with an open-ended offer for something you may be unaware of is much more helpful.

If you ever want to help a family in tragic circumstances, here is a list of things you might offer to do for them.

1. Drop off an unopened and uncooked frozen casserole

When I am called upon to cook for someone I do not know; I purchase a premade frozen Chicken Pot Pie or a frozen Lasagna. I deliver it frozen and unopened to their home with a card. That way, the family does not have to worry about eating something prepared by someone they do not know.

2. Offer to do their laundry

Now, my husband would absolutely say no to this. He is very private and would not want anyone other than me washing his undergarments.

However, I suggested to my daughter that she say something like this.

“My children and I do our laundry on Tuesdays. I would be happy to do two or three loads for you and drop them back once they are done.” This type of offer allows the person in need to sort their laundry and hand over things like towels, linens, jeans, tee shirts, etc., and pull out any unmentionables to do themselves. Doing two or three loads of laundry for someone lightens their chore list and allows them control over what others see.

3. Offer to do some grocery shopping

There are multiple ways to accomplish this task. First, do you want to ask them to make a grocery list or would you rather just purchase staple items that every kitchen needs? Do you want to pick the items up at the grocery store and deliver them to the home, or do you want to order them on Amazon or Walmart.com and have them delivered via truck? Whatever you decide to do, let the family know to expect the groceries. Anonymously sent groceries might find their way into the waste bin.

4. Offer to do yard work

You might say something like this, “My children and I mow our lawn on Wednesdays and weed our flower beds on Thursday. If you’d like, we’d be happy to come by after we finish our yard and work on yours.”

5. Sweep the porch and driveway

Perhaps your husband does the yard work, and you sweep the porch and driveway.

If that’s the case, make that offer to your neighbor or whomever you are trying to help.

“I will be sweeping and washing my driveway and porch next Tuesday. If you’d like, I could come over and do yours too.”

6. Drive the kids to school

Another acceptable offer is to get the kids to school each morning. “Hey, I’ll be driving my children to school each morning. I’d be happy to drive yours too. Perhaps you don’t drive but walk your kids to the bus stop. If so, make that offer.

The point is that being specific is much easier on your neighbor or person in need rather than assigning them the task of asking you for assistance. At the end of your suggested offer, you could add, “or if there is something more pressing, just let me know, and I’ll get right on it.”

If you hear of someone who has lost a loved one and would like to offer sympathy, it is perfectly fine to do so, even if you do not know them. The back story of loss is often touching, and when you hear it, you want to offer comfort even though you are unacquainted with the survivor.

My daughter said that when she lost her son, several church members brought over meals for her family. She also said that something unexpected had happened and that it continued long after the meals stopped. She called this generous act of kindness “Porch Cards.” I had never heard of “Porch Cards,” so I asked her to elaborate.

Each morning, she would find several cards on her front porch. Many of the cards were from people who perhaps didn’t know her but wanted to reach out to offer their heartfelt sympathy. The cards came from people around her town who had heard that she had lost her child. The cards offered condolences, stories of loss, and prayers. These cards brought her much welcomed comfort.

Many of the cards came from parents who had also lost children. Sharing their stories helped her feel as though she was not alone and that she had not been singled out for this horrific experience. These cards, left on her doorstep by people whom she did not know but who had felt within their hearts the need to offer comfort, were very much a welcome daily ritual. From them, she drew strength and encouragement to seek recovery rather than give up. On days when she felt particularly vulnerable, she reread some of the cards to help her regain the courage she needed to continue breathing past the pain that weighed upon her very soul.

I have never heard of anyone doing this before. I think it is a very kind thing to do. Therefore, I would like to suggest a new tradition to everyone reading this article. If you hear of someone who has suffered a loss or a tragedy that you might not know and feel inclined to offer sympathy or encouragement, drop a “Porch Card” off on their front doorstep.

The kindnesses provided to me and my daughter upon the loss of my grandson, Mikey Joe, will remain in our hearts forever. We are thankful for every prayer offered on our behalf. We are grateful for the love we received from our family and friends. And, for those who offered unfettered support, love, and kindness without solicitation or association, we ask the Lord’s grace and blessings upon them forever.

MARY LYNN

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 13:24:49 GMT

My cousin died Friday afternoon. I was so sad.

Her children came to my funeral home Saturday morning to make arrangements. It was so comforting to be with them. They were polite and sweet.

My cousin was, and remains, very special to me. I'm sure I will always remember and love her dearly. We will bury her Wednesday. It should be a lovely service.

When I was a little girl, my family moved to Baton Rouge, LA. I'm sure we moved there because my father had a job there. My grandmother and grandfather lived there too. I believe they must have been there before us because we lived in their trailer house with them, and I don't remember having to wait for it to get set up in the trailer park.

That was a fun place to live. When it would rain, the streets in the park would flood, and we would run and ride our bikes, splashing as we went. There were also tons of children to play with, boys and girls. We would have water battles with balloons and guns, and we would chase each other all over the place. I enjoyed it there.

The park also had a swimming pool. I don't know if you've ever lived in the deep southern region of Louisiana, but in the summer, it gets sweltering and humid. A swimming pool was a miraculous way to beat the summer heat. Although my mother could not swim, she would take us to the pool every day and let us play for hours. I enjoyed jumping in and splashing around, but I was restricted to the pool's shallow end as I could not swim either.

As the summer progressed, I became braver and more comfortable in the water and eventually learned how to tread water. As I worked on my water skills, I finally taught myself how to swim. At that point, I was free to be in the deep end.

My mother was so proud of me. She was so excited that her child could swim. She was relieved that she would no longer have to worry about me getting into too deep of water. That must have been a great moment because now she only had two children left who could not swim.

My mother was always worried when we would swim because she knew that if anything happened to us in the water, she did not have the skills to help us. She preached that into our minds because she wanted to make sure we stayed on the shallow side of the rope. If ever we would get too close to the rope dividing the pool into shallow and deep ends, my mother would stand up and yell at us to get away from it. We would immediately move back to the shallow side and hide in shame for being yelled at in public when that would happen.

The day that I learned how to swim, my mother called up every relative in town. She was so proud and wanted everyone to come by and see how proficient I was. My relatives were all very supportive, and one by one, they came to the trailer park to witness my new accomplishment. As the day progressed, I began to tire.

Near the end of the day, my cousin (the one who passed on Friday) came by to encourage my confidence and watch me swim across the pool's deep end. My cousin, Mary Lynn, was beautiful, bold, and confident in all that she did. She had been shopping and at the beauty shop all day because she had a date that evening.

She was gorgeous with lovely white skin and jet black hair. Her hair was high on her head in a classic 1960's beehive, and her outfit was colorful with beautiful high heels. As a little girl, I remember noticing that her purse even matched her shoes. She was magnificently beautiful.

Mary Lynn was so excited to see me swim across the pool, so I jumped right in to get her accolades of approval. I immediately knew that I was in trouble because my arms and legs felt like lead. I was exhausted from swimming across the deep end for so many relatives that I hadn't the strength to do it one more time.

I began sinking deeper and deeper toward the bottom of the pool, and I was terrified. I saw my mother jump up and run to the pool's edge. She was screaming in a panic, and tears spilled out of her eyes. She was helpless to rescue me, and I couldn't save myself. I felt so sorry for my mother, and I saw my long hair flowing above my head, beginning to block my view of my mother.

Suddenly, as my cousin realized that I was in grave danger of drowning, she dove into the pool and swooped me out. I was so confused because my mother was hysterical, and my cousin's beautiful hair was now sideways on her head, sopping wet. She, too, was overcome with tears, and her clothes and high heels were ruined. She helped me regain my breath and cough out all of the water I had swallowed, and then she and my mother hugged me and rocked me like a wee baby.

After that experience, it was quite some time before my mother would ever let me into the deep end of the pool for more than five minutes at a time. I can't blame her; she was overly cautious, and rightfully so. Even then, I wondered why my mom didn't jump in and learn how to swim herself.

My cousin and I always shared something special. I loved her so much, and she would always tell me that she would jump into a swamp full of gators to rescue me if I needed her to. She wasn't kidding either. She was so brave and stubborn that gators wouldn't have had a chance against her will and strength. She would fight demons if necessary.

Mary Lynn was always brave. She was always so sweet to me. As an adolescent and adult, I saw her set more than just a few people straight when they began to get sideways on issues or behavior. I was always grateful that I was one of the people she loved.

As Mary Lynn was in the nursing home, I would stop by and see her. I would always take her a strawberry milkshake from the Dairy Queen, and we would visit for a time. I loved my cousin. At a very young age, she taught me that nothing matters over life and love. She was brave and took on battles that would leave others quaking in their boots. I always knew that I could rely on Mary Lynn because she loved family more than life itself and when danger surfaced, she would dive right in without hesitation to rescue you

God speed, dear cousin; I shall miss you.

FATHER'S DAY

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 13:21:26 GMT

My husband took me to the Rodeo this weekend. I love the Rodeo. I always have. The horses are beautiful, the pace is fast, and the sport is challenging. Not everyone can rope a get-away steer or jump off their running horse, grab that steer by the horns, and wrestle it to the ground. Of course, not everyone wants to either.

The atmosphere of the Rodeo is similar to that of the fair. I love the fair also. There are always so many things to see at the fair. I have found that most fairs also have a Rodeo. Perhaps that is why I love the fair so much.

As I was sitting on the bleachers this weekend, the first activity was “Mutton Bustin’.” I enjoy mutton bustin’ because the children riding the sheep are so adorable. One little guy held onto his run-away sheep for the entire 4 seconds, and when he jumped off, he threw his hat up into the air, knelt with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. The crowd erupted.

The family beside me had a son riding in the Mutton Bustin’ competition. He was a most handsome little fella, with big blue eyes, blond curly hair, and a great big smile. When his competition was completed, he returned to the bleachers to sit with his family. He sat right beside me. He was charming, and as the night continued, he would smile and scoot closer to me. Eventually, he laid his head on my arm and, with those gorgeous blue eyes, squinted them closed with the sweetest smile ever. Oh wow, my heart just melted. Sitting in the sweltering southern humidity, that little boy brought me straight to tears at the Linden TX Rodeo. Bombs could have been bursting around me, and it would not have mattered. All that concerned me at that moment was the beauty of that profound moment when a little boy reached out to me and expressed love and kindness.

Those are the most beautiful moments in life. They are the moments one remembers until the day they die, and I believe beyond. It is a precise moment where purity, innocence, trust, honesty, and love are instantly displayed. It is the miracle of children.

This coming Sunday will be Father’s Day, a day when we celebrate our dad. I was always a “Daddy’s Girl.” I loved my dad more than anything in the world. My heart was always filled with utter trust, sincerity, and love for him.

For many, Sunday will be a day of wonder, but for others, it may be a day of emptiness. If your dad is living, please take this opportunity to spend special time with him. Express your love, deep devotion, and appreciation to him. If he is deceased, my condolences go out to you, and if you haven’t yet, this Sunday would be an excellent time to develop a tradition based on your dad’s life. Traditions work like medicine to bridge the gap and grief of loss.

GRIEF BRIEF 42

TRADITIONS

Traditions are a wonderful tool for grief recovery.

Observing traditions that were once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still through the activities and love we shared together.

Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.

Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

I have often experienced loving moments with my father. His bravery sustains me when fear overcomes me, his love anchors me when dismay closes in, and his wisdom and guidance continue to assist me in life and business decisions. I hope you have experienced incredible moments with your dad too.

SUMMER SPARTANS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 13:19:09 GMT

My husband is such a strong man. During our 30-plus years of marriage, I have seen him do things that have seemed physically impossible to me. Additionally, over the years, I have seen him withstand disappointment and deception from those he loves and trusts without an emotional hiccup.

Recently, my husband lost his mother, sister-in-law, and brother. When his mother passed away, he seemed okay. After about six months, he finally said something about her death affecting him. He was very sorry when his sister-in-law died because he worried deeply for his brother as her survivor. However, The recent death of his brother has been different from the other two.

My husband misses his brother so much. He talks about him multiple times each day. He prays for him at meals and during family prayer. He worries about him, and even though he is dead, my husband is concerned about him. We lost our precious dog, Lady, my mother, a few of my aunts, and a few cousins during this same time. It has been a tough time for us.

I have never seen my husband so distraught. I think the multiple deaths have stressed his limits. Last night he mentioned that he would like to take a vacation. He would enjoy a few days to forget about our responsibilities and relax.

Respite is not a bad idea. It gives us intervals of relief from our grief and helps us adjust to our new life as survivors. It enables us to remember how it felt not to suffer so intensely and proves that feeling joy and happiness is possible.

GRIEF BRIEF 401

EMBRACE HAPPINESS

After losing a significant loved one, you may find that you experience guilt upon feeling happiness.

Joy and happiness are key to overcoming grief.

One must allow these feelings to override sadness if one is to ever recover.

Allow yourself to experience the pleasure of taking a walk in the park, watching your favorite TV show, listening to upbeat music, or doing a fun activity with a friend.

Eventually, you will become more comfortable with feelings of joy, and you will once again seek them out.

Experiencing joy and happiness will help you overcome grief. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Our grandchildren are coming to spend a few months with us. We plan to take them to several attractions near our home, but that is not relaxing for grandpa. He spoke with our grandson this morning. He is seven and will be running a Spartan race at the close of summer vacation. He and my husband were planning a Spartan course for his training while he visits through the summer.

My husband was once a Company Commander in the Navy. He was a physical fitness and water survival specialist during that time. I think this morning was a good morning for him. Planning our grandson’s training course allowed my husband to forget his sadness temporarily, and I saw a glimmer of excitement return to his eye.

Grief is a challenging event in our lives. It is filled with worries, challenges, and uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to step away from it before it beats us. Even if it is only for a few minutes or a few days, take the opportunity to let yourself rejoice in life again. You’ll feel better, and your stress will diminish.

UVALDE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 13:11:11 GMT

Although I have long been involved in politics, it is not something I seek or enjoy. Yet, try as I might, it calls me back into its web of disappointment and deceit as politicians threaten the integrity of our beloved constitution and the rights guaranteed therein.

I am not a political writer and I like it that way; I want to keep it that way. But, this week’s events pull me beyond my desire to leave it alone into an instinctual reaction to speak out. I would rather not write on this subject; however, my heart wants to help those who have suffered, and my soul won’t rest until I do.

I live in the Great State of Texas and I am grateful to reside here. Like most people residing in Texas, I tend to be directionally conservative. I believe in self-reliance, individual responsibility, and accountability, and that my safety along with that of my children and grandchildren, first and foremost, is my responsibility. I live among like-minded people because that is where I feel the safest. Additionally, although my husband and I experience the deficits of age, we plan and train to rely upon ourselves should anything dangerous or threatening come our way.

Sadly, the school shooting in Uvalde, TX this past week has clearly broken our hearts. I want to ignore it, but as a grief counselor, American citizen, and grandmother, I know that avoidance is not the answer. I am not related to anyone involved in this tragic event, but I have lost loved ones to murder, and I have suffered, down through the depths of my soul, the loss of a grandchild. The losses suffered this past week in Uvalde, TX are so tragic, that once again, I find myself activated in an issue that should never have happened.

This violent and senseless loss of life is impossible to reconcile for the survivors. For those of us outside of the immediate community of mourners, reconciliation of this nature is likewise fleeting. The irrepressible nature of those seeking political gain from such an event is repulsive and should be suppressed. The interference of incompetent government overreach contributing to this tragedy, must, however, be addressed. Had this interference not existed, 19 children, two teachers, and one husband might very well remain as living souls.

Upon the birth of my first child, I realized that not one living soul would be willing to take a speeding bullet or walk through lava for my children, without personal regard or hesitation, save it be their parents. From that moment on, I became my husband’s partner in their defense. To protect my children from physical harm, emotional manipulation, psychological intimidation, spiritual death, and intellectual propaganda, I removed them from public school. In my opinion, their education and safety were more important than political correctness and propaganda.

Some holding public office, point their fingers away from their failures by beating drums that do not exist. They would have us believe that taking our defense away from us would make us safer. I’ve seen their defense strategies, they never have, and never will work. Had one teacher pulled a sidearm and shot the shooter dead, there might remain 22 living souls who now lie in caskets beneath the earth’s protection. Had the parents been allowed to protect their children, rather than held at bay through inhumane government interference and intimidation, their children might remain with them today. If we, like the generations before us, would take it upon ourselves to protect our own, we would realize that it is our right and our nature to do so.

I taught my girls that their safety was their own responsibility. Now I ask you to realize the same. Do not let this tragedy spread fear. Rather, let it awaken your purity of purpose to be personally accountable for yourself and your family. Stop insanity and evil before it turns your life into a tragedy. Complacency is not noble; honor, bravery, loyalty, truth, integrity, and conviction are.

Grief is the most painful of human emotions. Let us comfort those who mourn the loss of their beloved children, and let us recognize senseless political confines masquerading as protective policies. Exercise your power to protect your families from inhumane predatory theories that reduce your right to protect yourself and your family from criminals, predators, and oppressive government. Repress political focus that promotes evil over people.

“The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people.” (Abe Lincoln) Do not let the cowardly sin of silence usher in the cancer of defeat. Stand against evil or battle never-ending grief.

The loss of a child is the most difficult grief to survive. When senseless brutality is involved, recovery becomes complicated and can remain a lifelong battle for parents. Lifelong grief will wreak havoc on one’s mental, psychological, and physical health. It may also lead to early death for the survivor.

GRIEF BRIEF 148

LOSS OF CHILD II

Most parental survivors describe the loss of a child as the most intense pain they have ever experienced.

Although the parent ages, the deceased child remains a child forever.

In the circle of life, a dependent child matures and becomes independent.

A parent’s role graduates from provider and protector to a secondary supportive role.

At the loss of a child, the parent never experiences the regular graduation of roles; they remain the parents of a young child forever.

They may also experience guilt over failing to provide adequate protection for their child against whatever caused the death.

Although parents learn to function in life again, their pain may never be overcome.

Even the birth of a new child reminds them of the excruciating pain of not having their lost child by their side. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Losing a child is so devastating that I suggest immediate counseling to all parental and sibling survivors, especially when foul play is involved.

GRIEF BRIEF 151

LOSS OF CHILD IV

When a child dies, the dreams and hopes of the parents die also.

This particular type of loss, the loss of a child, is considered to be the most excruciating loss of all, especially when foul play is involved.

It is commonly recommended that parents and siblings seek out counseling immediately.

Such an action should not be seen as a weakness.

Grieving a child is a lifelong heartache. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Politics should never enter into the experience of death, especially when it involves a child. Parents should be allowed as much comfort as humanly possible upon the loss of their children. Unfortunately, with this tragedy, politicians with their politics were waiting in the wings and before the facts were even known, they, and the media, jumped in to stake a claim and further their agenda.

My heart goes out to all of the families of Uvalde, TX. Terrorism has invaded their borders and every parent who has a child, as well as every child attending that school is frightened and traumatized. Life will never be the same for any of them and fear will accompany their steps as they reenter school and travel through life. I don’t know what the school will do, they must provide safety and security, but how do you overcome this tragedy?

My heart bleeds for the parents who have lost their children, the families of the lost teachers, and for the husband who died from the stress and heartache inflicted upon him at the loss of his beloved wife. I ache internally for the children who survived this terror. How will it affect their lives and their freedom? And parents who must drop their children off at school there must be filled with rage and fear beyond comprehension.

I understand that my political views may not be your political views, nor the views of the surviving families. I also understand that confusion and emotions run high when terror claims the lives of innocence. I do not wish to offend anyone, however, we must put a stop to the erosion of safety and liberty within our society. And, we must, as human beings, offer support, understanding, and love to those who have suffered this horrific tragedy.

My heart goes out to you, the survivors of Uvalde, TX, and I pray that you will be able to one day find a path that allows the pain of this unfair and unfathomable tragedy to release your heart from the suffocation it has inflicted. As a survivor of tragic loss, I know that some of you have probably wished death upon yourselves. I hope that this shall not be your fate. I hope that you know there remain others who love and need you, and who want to be able to reach out to help you through this loss. Some may not know what to say and therefore avoid speaking in an effort to spare you additional pain. Feel and accept their love and prayers for your healing, and know too, that the nation yearns for your recovery.

REMODELING AND TRADITIONS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 13:07:42 GMT

Is remodeling a home ever fun for anyone? My husband and I have built (from the ground up) our funeral home and apartment, and fully remodeled two additional homes. We are currently remodeling our third home, and I can assure you, we are not having any fun whatsoever.

One might ask, why, if we already know that we do not enjoy construction, would we undertake a fourth home. If you are my age, the answer is perfectly reasonable and simple; grandchildren.

Our grandchildren want to come stay the summer with us and we live in a micro mini apartment within our funeral home. Not only that, but currently, we have our grandchildren’s very large and extremely
active puppy staying with us. There is not even room within our apartment for an extra pair of socks, let alone two very active young children. We have tackled this mountainous task because we are short on space, and need adequate room for our grandchildren’s visits.

Actually, we purchased this home quite some time ago, even before the COVID pandemic hit in 2020. Our daughter and her family were stationed in Hawaii when the pandemic was announced. With the
emergent threat of disease, we had her and the children return to the mainland. We all stayed in the house next door, hunkered down for safety, before we had time to update it. I believe its last update was late 1960’s, or early 1970’s. Whichever it was, updating was certainly over due.

We have struggled, as many have, trying to find someone even moderately qualified, willing to do the remodel. I can’t fathom it. People not wanting to work when there is work to be done; it’s
unbelievable. I love working and would never give it up unless forced to due to incapacitation. Working is part of who I am. If I’m not working, there is something dreadfully wrong. My children wouldn’t know what to do if their mother wasn’t working. I have always been self-employed and that means I have always worked, even when I had small children trailing behind me. If there are things I would never give up, they would be my family, my faith, and my work, in that order. Those are my three passions in life. Without them, life would be meaningless to me.

As amazing as this may sound, my husband and I finally found someone willing to work. Well, we thought we had. Demolition began and we were on our way to a complete remodel. Unfortunately, the first forecasted date of completion came and went, then the second followed suit. After noticing that not much was going on at our little house, we contacted our remodeler (again) to see what was up. He said he might come back over in a few weeks, delaying construction yet again. Our completion date is now over two months past due and we are only in the demolition phase. Our home is in worse condition than it was when the remodel began. At least then it had two working bathrooms and a functioning kitchen. Currently, we can’t even claim running water. Our outdated home in which we resided during the COVID pandemic, is now completely uninhabitable.

Our grandchildren call us daily wanting an update, and all we can tell them is that we are trying to find someone willing to work. My heart is broken. Time is slipping away. Soon school will reconvene and our
opportunity to enjoy our grandchildren this summer will slip beyond our grasp.

During COVID, my grandchildren and I began painting rocks together. Before we built our funeral home, my husband and I were artists. Since we were forbidden to exit our property during the health scare, we bought and installed playground equipment, plenty of toys, and art supplies for at home activities. My grandchildren enjoyed their COVID year confined in an outdated home, and playing and painting with their grandparents. I must admit, COVID was a fun year for me too. Thankfully, none of us became ill, and we were with each other 24 hours a day. That was heaven on earth. The final half of 2020 was spent helping my daughter and her husband transfer their lives from Hawaii to Washington DC. Washington DC is still a very long way from East Texas, but it is much more accessible than Hawaii.

Now, my husband and I find ourselves in a terrible dilemma. We have anxious grandchildren waiting on our home next door that is completely uninhabitable, and sadly, we cannot find anyone willing to show up to work and repair the demolition that has been havocked within its walls. Additionally, we have suffered multiple deaths within our family and we are trying to settle the tasks that accompany such experiences.

As people of our generation do, we continue to move forward. We search for someone to help us through our situation, someone who wants to earn their living, retain their dignity, and provide for their
family, rather than sit at home doing nothing. Additionally, each morning, I speak with my grandchildren, and we make our plans for activities once they eventually get here.

Our grandson wants to go fishing with his PaPa. His first fishing experience was in the height of COVID, and he loved it. This year, our granddaughter wants to join them. I think this will become a yearly tradition for them. My grandson asks to set up rules, as he calls them, each day during our conversations. One of his rules is that we paint a rock together each morning and that we find a magical spot to place it for other children to find. On the underside of our rocks, we inscribe an uplifting quote. We call our rocks “COVID Rocks Motivation,” and we place them around playgrounds, libraries, fishing ponds, school yards, and other places where children will most likely visit.

For us, the grandparents, completing the remodel of our small home next door is paramount. Our traditions, developed during the COVID crisis, are wonderful because they have welded the generations
of our family together. That weld will strengthen over time, even after we are gone. We want to keep those traditions alive by repeating them yearly.

Our grandchildren will always remember my husband and me, their time with us during the COVID crisis, the fun and conversations we shared, and the love that runs deep within our souls for each other. COVID Prison wasn’t all bad. Our activities together, now traditions will forever inspire love and lead my grandchildren to improve themselves and the world around them.

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TRADITIONS

Traditions are a wonderful tool for grief recovery.

Observing traditions that were once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still through the activities and love we shared together.

Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.

Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Traditions with my grandparents are some of my most treasured moments in life. They comfort me when I need comforting, and they bolster my strength when I suffer weakness and fear. I love my
grandparents, I appreciate the time they invested in me, the lessons they taught me, the importance of self-reliance they instilled in me, and I treasure the unconditional gifts of love with which they showered me.

I visited my grandmother’s grave last week; the week of Mother’s Day. As I stood at the foot of her grave, I played my harp and sang her a song. I will never forget her stories of hardship during the Great
Depression, her recovery from poverty, her absolute refusal to be a victim, and her triumphs through faith. I hope my grandchildren will have these same tools, passed along from their grandparents to
them during a time of incredible growth and hardship, companioned with unconditional love and sacrifice, and solidified through traditions.

The only things standing in the way of having my grandchildren here are a few demolished bathrooms and a gutted kitchen. I guess I better start developing construction skills; otherwise, it is going to be a summer of camping, and, although I loathe camping, I love and cherish my grandchildren and my time with them. They’ll be here with me soon because I will be next door with a hammer, a roll of duct tape, and a tube of super glue starting tonight. Armed with my tools of choice, that house is going to get finished one way or another.

LIFESAVERS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 13:02:23 GMT

Having children and grandchildren is probably the most wonderful experience of life. When I was just a mother, I never thought anything could surpass the experience of having and loving my children. Joy, however, is magnified by grandchildren.

I think experiencing our children growing into adults and leaving home is so devastating that once we have grandchildren, we value our time with them more than anything else in life. Our time with them is limited, not only because they have parents of their own with whom they live, but as seniors, our life spans are shorter than ever before. We understand that our moments with them are priceless.

My children and grandchildren live very far from my home. My time with them takes precedence over everything else in life. When they come to visit me, I prep my extended family and friends to know that I will be unavailable for the duration of my grandchildren’s visit. Additionally, when I visit them, I turn off my cell phone and only respond to emergencies at home. I love my children and grandchildren. I think they know it.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. This is the first Mother’s Day I have spent without my mother. She died earlier this year. For Mother’s Day, I visited my mother’s grave for the first time. I was not apprehensive, but when I walked up to her grave, I was shocked by the bareness of the ground. You would think that seeing graves as much as I do, that fresh ground, would not startle me, but it did. I had anticipated lovely grass growing on my mother’s grave. Instead, all that was there was the red dirt of Louisiana.

My grandmother and mother are buried beside each other. I played my harp and found it difficult to sing to them in Memoria. I had not anticipated that either, but my heart was filled with sorrow, love, and yearning for them.

My grandmother was the oldest daughter in her family. My mother was the oldest daughter in her family. And, I am the oldest daughter in my family. I don’t know if that means anything, but it is something that we all have in common, and so I cherish it. It’s silly how silly things become important once someone has died, but they do. We hold onto things of the heart that never really mattered before and guard them as precious treasures.

This year has been challenging for me. I have suffered loss on so many fronts. I know that many of you have too, and I am sorry that you are suffering. I feel bombarded with grief and the details and drama of estates and greed. The unknown and fragility of life seem to encroach on me and rob me of my strength and confidence. I am fearful and unsure of my future, and I worry about the world’s politics and how they will affect the lives of my children and grandchildren.

As a grief counselor, I know these symptoms indicate a typical grief experience. As a mourner, they seem perilous and insurmountable. I suffer nausea and migraines, and I question my decisions and motives. I know that this will all pass as I adjust to my losses, but I wish the timetable were swifter moving.

I pray for God’s assistance with the trials I now face. I pray for the world’s populations, that the confusions of life will give way to clarity rather than fall prey to political powers, propaganda, and cultural agendas. I pray for an end to war and aggression, shortages, unfairness, natural disasters, and illnesses. Moreover, I try to focus my thoughts and remember the glories of life, the times of joy and peace, and the tranquility of love and family.

Additionally, I seek more than ever, opportunities to serve and share the gifts and miracles God has bestowed on our imperfect world with others. And, I try to instill hope, even though I feel mine faltering, and rely upon faith that a brighter and lighter day is coming that will lift my soul and reduce my burdens.

Until I am liberated from grief, I will rely on God’s most precious gifts; the gifts for which I would give my life. In turn, those same gifts are those that will save me. These gifts provide and renew my strength, my power, and my enduring faith. Without these gifts, my life would be meaningless, and I would perish in pain and anguish. These lifesavers that carry the healing powers of heaven are my marriage to an honorable man and the most glorious miracle of all, the miraculous gift that I share with my mother and grandmother, the gift of motherhood.

MIGRANES, MEDICATION, AND MOURNING

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 12:56:18 GMT

Have you ever suffered a migraine headache? I have. In fact, I have suffered a migraine headache for the last four days.

Migraine headaches are the worst type of headache. Well, probably not as bad as brain cancer, but migraines are the most dreaded for just regular headaches.

I have lived on pain relievers for the last five days. If I let the medication lapse, I can feel the pain and dizziness in my head, ringing in my ears, light sensitivity in my eyes, the tension in my neck and shoulders, nausea in my tummy, and the tingling in my fingers return. I don't know what causes migraines, but I know that the pain reliever that I take does not eradicate it; it simply masks it until the cause disappears.

Migraines are similar to grief. Suppose you take medication to mask the pain and other symptoms of distress. As soon as the medication wears off, your grief returns. Unfortunately, with grief, as time moves on, the pain gets worse. It may also bring on additional issues that range from minor to debilitating. The most common prescription drugs prescribed for grief are anti-depressants.

GRIEF BRIEF 309

GRIEF MEDICATIONS - CAN ANTI-DEPRESSANTS HELP

Normal grief does not warrant the use of anti-depressants.

Anti-depressants cannot treat the underlying cause of grief, which is loss.

Anti-depressants delay the mourning process.

Anti-depressants encourage complicated grief. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

The cause of your grief is the loss of your loved one. Anti-depressants cannot return your loved one to you. Continued use of anti-depressants or other medications only serves to delay your grief. It may cause you additional problems later on.

GRIEF BRIEF 87

Delaying grief

Delaying your grief does not eradicate it.

Delaying your grief only serves to extend and exacerbate your experience.

Delayed grief becomes complicated grief.

Once a survivor enters into a state of complicated grief, other issues come into play.

Often a survivor suffering complicated grief develops physical ailments.

These ailments, if left unattended, can turn into disease.

The same holds true for psychological ailments.

Even with treatment, if the underlying issue of grief is not addressed, these issues will become recurring. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Some mourners seek other avenues to avoid their grief experience.

GRIEF BRIEF 88

Distracters & Maskers

Some mourners try to minimize or avoid their grief with distracters and/or maskers.

Popular distracters include food, excessive exercise, anger, isolation, sex, shopping, work, movies, books, and TV.

Popular maskers include alcohol, prescription drugs, over-the-counter drugs, and illegal drugs.

Self-medicating is never appropriate as it has a tendency to take control of your life and in no way contributes to recovery.

It may also be very dangerous to your health and wellbeing.

If you find that you are spending excessive hours on the aforementioned distracters, you might reevaluate your coping skills.

At some point, you need to realize that you are delaying your grief experience and that it may soon turn into complicated grief. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

The best thing to do for grief is to realize that your grief is caused because you loved someone who is now gone. Love is wonderful. It is a spiritual gift and undeniable. The best thing you can do with your love is to share it.

Sharing your love with another is a human gift. It honors your decedent, brings you comfort, and improves someone else's life. My favorite way to share love is to help others by serving them. Rendering service to others during their difficulties allows me to forget my woes and brings me joy.

GRIEF BRIEF 210

SERVICE

Service to others brings instant movement away from the pain and anguish of grief.

It moves your focus from the pain you suffer to the needs of others.

This redirection of focus brings progress to your life. It allows your heart, mind, and efforts to carry your soul back to a meaningful and peaceful existence.

Service will not shrink the significance of your loss; it merely shrinks your focus on that loss.

Shrinking your focus shrinks your pain.

"Your focus of mind, paired with your actions of service, work in concert to enlarge your ability to experience joy and peace once again.

With that in mind, service should be your go-to treatment for recovery." (Mourning Coffee for the Mourning Soul, Tracy Lee)

(Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Another thing that I find beneficial is the creation and observance of traditions.

GRIEF BRIEF 42

TRADITIONS

Traditions are an excellent tool for grief recovery.

Observing traditions once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still through the activities and love we shared together.

Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.

Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

My last two suggestions for recovery aim to bring you the comfort you need instantly. Their application relieves your stress the moment you use them.

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SAYING AND HEARING YOUR LOVED ONE'S NAME

Saying and hearing your loved one's name is essential to grief recovery.

Unfortunately, friends, family, and acquaintances are unaware that speaking your loved one's name actually has a healing effect and, therefore, avoid the mere mention of it.

Avoidance seems the natural discipline for those who have not endured significant loss.

Help them overcome this awkward concept by being the ice breaker.

Consciously strive to be the first person at any event to say your loved one's name.

Offer a funny story or interesting fact about them so that everyone will feel more at ease and can engage in pleasant conversation without fear of increasing your anguish.

At first, this practice will be challenging. You may shed tears or need to pause. However, doing this may increase the speed of your recovery and assist you in moving yourself into your new reality much quicker than expected. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

GRIEF BRIEF 34

SHARE YOUR STORY

Mourners want and need, most of all, to talk about their loss.

They need to work through what has happened to them.

Talking with someone who knows them and will not judge them allows them to:

a) accept that death has happened,

b) realize that there is a new reality in which they must function, and

c) redirects them to work out their road to recovery.

(Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Please consider these suggestions to assist yourself and relieve the undeniable pain of grief. The last 12 months of my life have been filled with personal losses. I would be unable to continue functioning were it not for these suggestions. I hope they help you as they have helped me.

MOTHER'S DAY 2022

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 12:54:05 GMT

This year will be the first Mother’s Day that I observe without my mother living on this earth. She died earlier this year in January. I have never been a person who cares much for holidays, but lately, they have begun to matter to me. I think it is because I have started to understand the importance of traditions and their abiding influence of comfort and treasured memories.

My mother was a Cajun woman from South Louisiana. Her fuse was measured by a Planck length. She was fierce in defense of her children, respecting God, and loving her country. She wouldn’t stand for shenanigans, abhorred dishonesty, and set children right no matter to whom they belonged. There was never a question about where my mother stood on anything. It was always on the right.

My mother’s motto was “Choose the Right, and if you don’t, you better watch out.” She made no excuses for anything or anyone. If you were her child, you better make sure that you stood blameless if anything were called into question. Why? Because if her children exercised a lack of integrity, she would bear their shame. My mother did not create shame of her own; she certainly would not tolerate it brought on by her children.

As Mother’s Day is swiftly approaching, the loss of my mother weighs heavily on my heart. I am a woman in her sixties, a mother, an aunt, and a grandmother. I worry when my death comes, will my legacy as a mother bear with honor? Have I done all that I can to prepare and arm my children and grandchildren for the struggles of life? Have I taught them to live with integrity, honor God, and love with sincerity (and without prejudice) their fellow beings? Have I raised defenders of liberty, honesty, and truth? Do they understand that to err is human, but forgiving is divine, and rewarding with love is far greater than punishing or walking away?

I love my children, my husband, and my grandchildren. I would not exchange one moment with them for all of the universe’s riches, celebrity, or privilege. I hope that they know that.

I hope they know that I am so honored to be in their lives. I pray that unthoughtful acts or unkind words will never sever us from each other or interfere with our love and dedication to each other. I pray that open communication will always be available to us. No matter what comes our way, they will never stop loving me because I will always love them and will never stop defending them. They are my life’s breath, all that will ever matter to me, and the love that beats through my heart.

Mother’s Day will be a difficult day for me this year. The bells have tolled, and the black flags have fluttered in my life. Before mother’s day arrives, I will visit my mother’s grave; I will tend and manicure it. I will drape her final resting place with wildflowers in recognition of her honor, her freedom from earth’s ravages and pains, her dedication to family and God, and the love a mother has (and the sacrifices she makes) for her children.

I think mothers often make the mistake of thinking that they are their children’s friends; nay, she is so much more. A mother has a divine purpose that no other has. Her privilege is to teach, build, protect, inspire, correct intuitively, and love her children. My mother did that, even when it was tough. She always stood above the level of a friend to the calling of a mother. She respected it, honored it, and fulfilled it.

She is gone now. We live on without her. We are grateful she no longer suffers the physical and emotional pains she bore. We love her for her sacrifices toward us, thankful that she loved us enough to invest in our futures and see through the fog of humanity to guide us through it.

We await our day of reunion when we shall see her without worldly cares. We anticipate meeting her at the Throne of Grace, worshiping at the feet of our Savior. On that day, our pains and trials will be lifted, and we can rejoice and give thanks for her triumphs as our mother.

This year will be the first Mother’s Day that I observe with my mother in her grave. She is gone but for a season. That season is dark, lonely, and cold without her glowing motherly flame.

MAGIC IS ILLUSION

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:30:41 GMT

As I sat down at my desk this morning, trying to think of something to write for my weekly bereavement article, I turned to the internet for inspiration. I was reading articles on the loss of children and the unique pain that remains in the hearts of their families. As it usually does, the thought came to me: “I wish I had a magic wand that would wipe out the pain of loss.” Of course, as it always does, logic slips in, and I understand the folly of such a wish.

Sir Isaac’s third law, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction," is generally applied to motion; however, I believe it likewise applies to emotion. Grief’s intensity equals the intensity of love shared between the decedent and survivor. Upon the death of a significant loved one, the pendulum changes direction and swings with equal force to the exact opposite emotion.

Therefore, logic dictates that all emotions experienced during the relationships of endeared human beings will present opposing emotions with equal intensity upon loss. For example, the joy we experience through love turns to sadness when the reciprocation of that love is no longer available to us. Through love’s absence, fulfillment becomes emptiness; elation turns to despair, happiness and confidence turn to doubt, uncertainty, unhappiness, etc.

These emotions and the myriad of other emotions experienced upon the death of loved ones will not sustain life. It, therefore, becomes imperative that human beings embark on a journey to irradiate such emotions to sustain sanity and life, and reinstate emotional harmony. Complete eradication of these emotions is not obtainable; instead, one learns to adjust these emotions to a manageable reality.

It seems logical that when something is wrong or threatening, we change the circumstances to lessen its negative impact on us. For instance, if we break our leg, we immediately see a doctor to set and cast the leg correctly while healing occurs. If we fail to enlist these measures and the leg heals incorrectly, we may need to re-break the leg for proper functionality.

The reality of inaction results in increased physical ailments and problems to overcome. Will the leg be as it once was? The answer is that the leg may look as though it were never injured; however, discrepancies still exist. Although the onlooker may see no evidence of a once broken leg, the sufferer may at times feel it. Perhaps the leg is weaker than it once was, or perhaps on bad weather days, the sufferer feels reminders of the injury. Most likely, the leg will require lifelong maintenance and care, especially after the sufferer turns 50.

The same orders of recovery apply to the emotions of grief. Survivors must immediately embark on corrective or healing measures upon losing a loved one. If they do not, the reality of inaction, or denial, will be complicated grief. Whereby the physical break requires isolation of the injury and casting, the emotional injury of loss is better served by additional exposure to love and new attachment. Unfortunately, one generally does not experience the energy required to facilitate engagement with social interactions upon the onset of grief. It has always been said that a mother’s kiss (a kiss of unconditional and purest love) melts away the pain and heals a wound better than the doctor. I believe the application of love’s endearments applies not only to a broken leg but also to a broken heart and life.

GRIEF BRIEF 27

LONELINESS

Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses.

Social loneliness may be curbed through social support.

Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment.

With such, a new attachment is the only remedy.

Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely.

This behavior is more common among the elderly. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

From the above Grief Brief, we might assume that the survivor must immediately engage in social activities. I assure you this is not the case. Not only will one not feel like socializing, but it is also quite impossible to replace deep and abiding love with someone else within the blink of an eye. The love shared with your decedent was deep and developed over time through numerous experiences. Likewise, it will take time to build and share that love with someone new.

In my life and professional grief counseling practice, I find that filling and sharing that void with someone already significant in your life is more practical. No one wants to replace their decedent, and indeed, replacement is realistically impossible. Instead, Grief Brief 27 merely implies that emotional adjustment is necessary and materializes as you open your heart to loving others who may, or may not, already be near and dear to you.

In my thoughts this morning, I realized that my wish for a magic wand was foolish. Social media (aptly coined by some as unsocial media) has replaced deep abiding love with instant gratification. Instant friendship based on a created profile does not provide time for discovery. Neither does it allow for the development of attachment to tangible or known objects. Without tangible objects, e.g. people, attachment is based on imagination. The pain of loss is replaced by rage rather than grief, and resolution is unobtainable. Life becomes intolerable, its purpose eradicated, and human relations are replaced with pseudo existence filled with growing mental illness and rage.

Thus my wish for a magic wand vanishes. Magic is not real; it is an illusion and provides the same baffles of reality to both brain and heart. Life, however, is real. It has purpose and meaning, as do human beings. Without those elements, life loses its luster and becomes repulsive. Thus we find a decline in the value of life, resulting in upticks in violent crimes against humanity, up to and including murder and suicide.

The world is a very different place than it was decades and even years ago. Unfortunately, I see a correlation between emotional detachment, a pseudo-reality of wishful relationships, social media, and the COVID-19 pandemic.

Studies show an increase in mental illness related to shelter in place and masking one’s face. I see fear and isolation taking hold of our younger generations. I am unsure how we overcome these environmentally and situationally imposed deficiencies on basic human needs. Still, we must move to soften their dangerous impositions immediately. If we do not, I fear things that I have always thought were the imaginings of more creative minds than my own may become humanity’s collective reality. I fear epidemics of mental illness, crippling social ineptness, soaring violence, and increased hopelessness and suicide. These are not the realities that I wish for society; however, they are what I fear.

Please join me in seeking solutions to these problems. Get to know your neighbors and co-workers, and make tangible (rather than virtual) friends. Show your love and appreciation for others through service to them. Even a kind word, spoken face to face, costs you nothing but can plant the seeds of hope and gratitude in the lives of others.

Through hope, kindness lights a spark that can push the darkness that overtakes a solitary mind aside. Please commit this week to only saying nice things to people you encounter. Even though you may or may not know them, commit to spreading cheer and kindness to others as you travel along your way. If we start small, we can affect a significant change among ourselves. That’s my soul’s sincerest prayer. Please help me make it come true.

Jump off of the 24-hour, never-ending blogosphere train, and re-enter reality and life. You'll be glad you did, and your mental health and society will thank you.

TOO MANY TO BEAR

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:21:01 GMT

I’m finally back home. The time seems long; however, realistically, it has only been three weeks. I went to see my daughter who is away at college. We needed to consult with her physician, and as I suspected, she requires time off from school for health reasons. I will return to her during her off-track semester for life-sustaining surgeries.

While visiting her, I received word that my brother-in-law had passed away. I returned home immediately to join my husband, and we traveled to the east coast for his brother’s funeral services.

While I was there, I had the privilege of meeting one of my husband’s childhood friends. It was nice to put a name to the stories I have heard of her during my marriage. She is a friendly person who has suffered five very significant deaths within one month. Her mother and husband are in those numbers. Additionally, she and her 80 plus-year-old father were viciously attacked during that same time. I suppose it goes without saying, she is also a powerful and capable woman.

As we sat together, waiting for my brother-in-law’s services to begin, we talked about her multiple experiences of loss. Friends and family are rightfully concerned for her well-being. They want her to move on by disposing of her mother’s and husband’s possessions. Because they are fearful of her psychological pain, her friends want to witness physical signs of her recovery. Disposing of her loved one’s possessions would seem like movement toward healing for them.

With tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, she whispered to me that she was not even close to being ready to part with her loved one’s things. Because her family and friends are pressuring her, she feels that she should begin giving and donating her deceased loved one’s items to others. Unwittingly, their counsel is self-serving. Rather than helping her, their suggestions increase her levels of pain, worry, and stress. Good intentions often reap poor results.

GRIEF BRIEF 1

TOKENS OF AFFECTION

Visiting places or carrying objects that remind the survivor of the deceased is motivated through fear of losing or forgetting precious memories.

Carrying tokens of affection has long been an accepted custom when one loves another.

One does not stop loving simply because their loved one has died.

If this custom is acceptable while living, why then would it not be acceptable once a loved one has died?

It may be that after a time, carrying tokens of remembrance, or visiting special places, may no longer be necessary for the survivor.

Until that time comes, and as long as the behavior does not become compulsive, visiting special places and carrying tokens of remembrance are perfectly normal and comforting. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Although clothing and toiletries may not seem like tokens of affection, in some instances, they are. My husband’s friend is not ready to part with her husband’s clothing, his cologne, or his fishing tackle. Should she feel guilty or pressured to dispose of them? Absolutely not. Unfortunately, without realizing it, her friends and family pressure her to dispose of material reminders for their comfort, not hers.

My husband’s childhood friend lost her husband and her mother within the same week, and three significantly tragic deaths of very close friends within that same month. Multiple losses affect recovery as each demands respect and time for recovery.

GREIF BRIEF 269

MULTIPLE LOSSES

If suffering multiple losses, a survivor must grieve each one separately.

Each decedent was loved separately. Therefore, each must be grieved accordingly. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

In consideration of Grief Brief 269, how should friends and family assist their survivor through this compounded, complicated, and extended journey of grief recovery?

After all, we do not want to inflict additional pain or see her in continued pain. As her friends and family, we must understand the significance of patience, realize that her journey will be longer than expected, and accept that our worry and our pain (for her) will be expanded. Her recovery will extend beyond the standard time frame, and we should not become nervous or overbearing about this.

When my grandson passed away four years ago, my grief experience was powerful, and my anguish remained forefront in my soul for two years. Recovery was slow. It was painful. I was filled with despair for my loss and overwhelming worry for my daughter.

As his grandmother, my primary concern was for my daughter’s recovery. My recovery, although agonizing, had to wait until I knew she was healthy and that her young children were protected and recovering as well.

Survival is not only painful; it brings on new responsibilities at a time when new responsibilities are least desired and very unwelcome. New responsibilities, however, actually assist us in our recovery journey. Whether welcome or unwelcome, exercising growth forces us to focus away from our woes and concentrate our energies elsewhere. The benefits of new responsibilities are closely related to the benefits of service during recovery. Their actuality is personal growth and service to ourselves.

GRIEF BRIEF 46

DEVELOPING NEW SKILLS

Many survivors resent having to develop new skills that were once performed by their deceased loved ones.

This is a normal reaction to your loss.

The key to recovery is to either learn the skill yourself or find someone who will do it for you.

In both scenarios, your reward is growth, either personally or socially.

In both circumstances, your movement toward recovery is positive. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Additionally, mourners must discover their own recovery techniques. With multiple deaths, recovery techniques may vary between losses. After all, each relationship differed in-depth, relationship, personality, and time. The uniqueness of each relationship would logically impose unique patterns of recovery.

Greif Brief 297

Personal Recovery Technique

Every individual is unique and therefore has his/her own unique preferences of emotional expression.

Experts agree that survivors should allow themselves to grieve in their own way, according to their personal preferences.

Certain survivors may prefer to express their feelings through action rather than discussion.

For instance, physical activities like walking or swimming, or creative activities like writing or painting may bring comfort and relief.

Others may prefer confiding with family, friends, or a grief counselor about their feelings, difficulties, and fears.

Mourning is the process of adapting to loss.

It involves letting go and learning to accept and survive in your new reality.

Recovery is one’s acceptance and adaptation over loss.

Its accomplishment varies in time and strategy with each survivor and each loss. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Witnessing the pain of the survivor is tough to endure. We can be helpful by patiently allowing them their own timetable and methods to materialize rather than suggesting or imposing our own recovery perceptions. Positive assistance in grief recovery is paramount. Assist your survivor by incorporating the following suggestions into your time with them.

Assist your survivor by allowing them ample time to experience their thoughts and feelings.
Encourage him/her to express their feelings openly or within journal entries.
Be there, listen, and keep your survivor’s expressions in confidence.
Acknowledge and accept your survivor’s feelings, both positive and negative.
Support your survivor through this journey and leave judgments behind; they have no place here.
Be mindful of your survivor’s needs, do not hover or suffocate their needs for privacy or time alone.
Patiently endure your survivor’s crying. Crying provides stress relief, and loss imposes extreme stress upon survivors.
Additionally, although difficult, realize that there may come a time when professional assistance becomes noteworthy. If that time materializes, accept its reality and kindly assist your survivor in recognizing and getting it as well.

At the close of each service, I step forward and offer a few ideas for recovery to the gathering of mourners.

My first bit of advice is to say their loved one’s name and share their life stories. Saying the decedent’s name and sharing the stories of life will assist the survivors in moving the decedent from a living participant in life to a loving memory.
Secondly, I suggest that each mourner develop a tradition relative to their decedent. Traditions ground us and ensure that the decedent will not be forgotten.
And last, I suggest that all survivors, whether they are believers or not, pray to a higher power. Praying (or meditating) for assistance and relief opens the windows of our hearts and minds. It allows the blessings of heaven to pour down upon us. Loss is when we are at our most needful time and most willing to allow inspiration and change to affect our souls.

“Researchers have found that finding meaning in life after losing a loved one can help survivors adapt (more swiftly and more effectively.).” GB 298, Mourning Light III, 2019. Prayer is one of the most effective ways to find life’s meaning. Loss is when life’s purpose becomes essential for recovery and survival.

OVERCOMING LONELINESS

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:19:15 GMT

As a funeral director, I see spousal loss more often than I like. Sometimes the husband passes first, but other times the wife passes first. Regardless of who passes, the surviving spouse not only experiences sadness, they experience extreme loneliness too.

GRIEF BRIEF 27

LONELINESS

Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses.

Social loneliness may be curbed through social support.

Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment.

With such, a new attachment is the only remedy.

Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely.

This behavior is more common among the elderly. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Loneliness is difficult to overcome upon the death of one’s beloved. There are however, things one can do to push loneliness away. Realistically, the surviving spouse will most likely not feel like engaging in social activities for some time. However, human beings are social beings, and therefore, should engage in social activities as an integral part of their recovery strategy.

Social loneliness seems to be more easily addressed. To overcome social loneliness one must simply engage in social activities. Social activities would include going to church, joining a mall walkers or an exercise group, a club focused on one of your interests, or perhaps volunteer to offer service.

Service projects are also an amazing recovery strategy. Not only does the person or group that you volunteer to serve receive the assistance they need, but you receive benefits as well.

GRIEF BRIEF 210

SERVICE

Service to others brings instant movement away from the pain and anguish of grief.

It moves your focus from the pain you suffer onto the needs of others.

This redirection of focus brings progress to your life and allows your heart, mind, and efforts, to carry your soul back to a meaningful and peaceful existence.

Service will not shrink the significance of your loss; it merely shrinks your focus on that loss.

Shrinking your focus shrinks your pain.

“Your focus of mind paired with your actions of service, work in concert to enlarge your ability to experience joy and peace once again.

With that in mind, service should be your go-to treatment for recovery.” (Mourning Coffee for the Mourning Soul III, 2019)

Not only will service move you from the pain of grief, it changes your focus, and increases your ability to experience joy and peace. In short, service is good for all involved.

Emotional loneliness is not as easily overcome as social loneliness. Emotional loneliness requires that your emotions are involved or focused toward another person. In other words, a relationship must develop or increase.

Grief is suffered because you have lost a loved one. To overcome grief, love must find another upon whom to bestow that love.

When I was a young girl, my grandfather was murdered. At that time I realized that my grandmother began spending a lot more of her time with her grandchildren. She would come visit our family and before I knew it, she was with us for over a year. In fact, it was not unusual for her to stay with us for two years or longer. Throughout my unmarried life, my grandmother spent more time living with my family than she spent away from us. I loved my grandmother and I thoroughly enjoyed her lengthy visits with us.

As a young girl, I did not understand that my grandmother was intuitively taking care of her emotional loneliness. She bestowed her love upon her grandchildren without reservation. Spending time with us and serving us gave my grandmother both social and emotional loneliness relief. Being with us, she attended church, volunteered for my Girl Scout troop, cooked delicious Cajun meals for us, and helped my mother keep a clean house.

My grandmother was an avid reader and would share the volumes of knowledge stored in her brain with us. She was Google before Google existed. I could ask her about anything and she always knew the facts that I required.

She loved to laugh and would share her humor freely. She found joy in everything. There was definitely plenty at our home to keep her socially and emotionally engaged.

If you are suffering social or emotional loneliness and feel that you are ready to do something about it, try engaging in various activities. It is not absolutely necessary that you go out by yourself to activities. You can follow my grandmother’s lead and visit your grandchildren. You can join a group for exercising or find a club that focuses on something in which you are particularly interested. Moreover, if you are a believer, you can begin going to church or volunteer at your local hospital or other organization.

Socializing with family and friends, meeting and making new friends, and serving others are all great strategies to assist you in overcoming loneliness. Additionally, those with whom you engage will benefit as well.

JOURNALING SAVES LIFE AND SANIATY FOR THE BEREAVED

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:17:48 GMT

When I was a young woman, I began journaling. Journaling is a wonderful habit for human beings. It creates a reference for us to refer back to as we age. It assists us in tracking progress, improvements, accomplishments, downfalls, failings, and discrepancies. It affords us a review of our actions and is a private place where we might track our processes and strategies. It also assists us during times of need.

GRIEF BRIEF 92

JOURNALING

Journaling is a beneficial tool whose application catapults a survivor from debilitating grief toward recovery.

It allows the survivor to record their fondest memories of their loved ones.

It offers comfort and testimony that their memories were true experiences.

It helps to organize the mind when disorganization rules one's current world.

It ensures that written references are available for review as time clouds the mind.

It helps relieve the stresses of debilitating loneliness, track one's progress in their healing journey, and offers tangible proof that improvement has been accomplished.

Journaling is a gift we give ourselves. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

As a young woman, I began journaling because my church group committed to it. I had no idea that I was incorporating such a vital habit into my life.

As an adult woman, I now find that journaling is therapeutic. It is a reference for my life's experiences and a place where my thoughts, goals, and most beautiful memories are recorded. It is a chart of my personal growth and accomplishments, as well as my mistakes and improvements. I hope my writings will help my children and grandchildren plan earlier and more precisely than I did.

I lost a grandson four years ago. When his life was lost, journaling became my therapy. I would jot down my thoughts, pains, sorrows, and hopes for my family. I would carry my journal in my purse, and I took it everywhere.

I needed my journal with me so that if I were to need a confidant suddenly, I would reach into my bag and pull it out. It gave me comfort and control in a time when comfort and control seemed beyond my reach.

I was my grandson's funeral director; therefore, I had to remain professional and in control of myself through the entire experience of his death and burial. I had to assist his mother (my daughter) and his father through the most horrific experience in life, the loss of one's child. Additionally, I had to assist my husband, as well as myself, through this tragic loss in our family.

I am the business manager and the managing funeral director of our funeral home. Downtime is not an option for me. During bereavement, I had to continue functioning as though my sweet grandson's death did not affect me professionally. Without my journal readily available, I would not have been able to continue working or maintain executive professionalism without interruption.

I hate that my sweet grandson is dead. However, I am grateful that a wise woman purchased a journal for me in my youth and that she instilled a habit into my life that saved me from the most compromised state I have ever experienced. Journaling saved me when I thought I should perish. Not only could I write my woes on its pages, but I could review my past and understand that although I did not feel vital, I was.

Upon its pages were precious stories of my experiences with my children, grandchildren, and husband. Reading memories pinned in my own handwriting reminded me that I still had family who needed me. I had grandchildren who needed their grandmother. I had a loving and kind husband who needed his wife. And perhaps most importantly, I still had the profound purpose of mothering, nurturing, and guiding my daughter through her most debilitating experience ever. She needed a strong mother, not a weak one. She needed understanding and love, not abandonment. Moreover, she needed hope that she would recover and have the strength to nurture her husband and wee children through this most horrific experience too. In short, she needed a functioning mother to assist and support her as she grieved the tragic loss of her baby boy, Mickey Joe.

Gratefully, journaling assisted me in providing these needs to my family and to myself. It allowed me to be my own friend and help myself through methodic planning and accountability. Journaling set up these methods of critical thinking and personal inventory in my youth, and it did not fail me when I needed it most. It provided opportunities whereby I could review lesser losses and recoveries from my past, and facilitated the successful application of those strategies to my current tragedy. It saved my life, my sanity, and my business. Thank heaven for insightful people who plant habits into your life that one day come back to assist you when your world falls apart.

If you have lost a loved one and feel you need an outlet for recovery, please consider journaling. It saved me when I was lost and broken. I hope it will do the same for you.

GRIEF RECOVERY ASSISTANCE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:16:01 GMT

Grief recovery can be elusive and long-suffering. If you are ready to recover from the loss of your loved one, you might consider the following information as a base to move forward.

GRIEF BRIEF 83

GRIEF RECOVERY SUCCESS

Success in moving through grief depends on your willingness to recover.

If you are the type of person that enjoys or thrives on being a victim, you will most likely travel very slowly through recovery.

You must decide that you want to recover, that you are willing to move your loved one into a memory, and that you are going to overcome your heartache.

Without these decisions, you will remain trapped within your own recurring grief cycle indefinitely. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Deciding to recover is the first step in grief recovery. Without this decision, you will wander aimlessly in never-ending pain and turmoil.

GRIEF BRIEF 40

PSYCHOTHERAPY

For complicated grief, psychotherapy is sometimes warranted.

Counseling can help a survivor identify unhealthy habits and encourage positive growth.

It can yield a recovery plan that the survivor is unable to identify, implement, and accomplish on his or her own. (Mourning Light I, 2006)

Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, is a way to help people with a broad variety of mental illnesses and emotional difficulties. Psychotherapy can help eliminate or control troubling symptoms so a person can function better and can increase wellbeing and healing.

Problems helped by psychotherapy include difficulties in coping with daily life; the impact of trauma, medical illness, or loss, like the death of a loved one; and specific mental disorders, like depression or anxiety. There are several different types of psychotherapy and some types may work better with certain problems or issues. Psychotherapy may be used in combination with medication or other therapies. ( https://www.psychiatry.org )

If you have a history of coping difficulties or used this tool in the past and feel as though it was worthwhile, you might consider using it again. Psychotherapy and grief counseling can assist you in identifying and implementing sound coping strategies. It can bring on a sense of wellbeing faster than going it alone in certain situations.

If, on the other hand, you already have adequate coping strategies or you have experienced grief recovery previously, you may want to tackle grief recovery on your terms. ,If this is the case, there are proven skills that can assist you in your recovery journey.

1. My first suggestion to start your active recovery is exercise. Exercise is essential to your health whether or not you are grieving. It increases your life span and improves your health. Exercise is a good idea for everyone.

GRIEF BRIEF 36

EXERCISE I

Exercise is good for the heart, body, and soul.

A 20 to 40-minute aerobic activity results in an improvement in the survivor's state of mind.

A vigorous pumping heart decreases anxiety, lifts the mood, and creates a positive experience that persists for several hours.

Psychological benefits associated with exercise are a welcome bonus for the bereaved.

They are comparable to the gains found with standard forms of psychotherapy. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

2. My second suggestion is hobbies. Hobbies help us by clearing the congestion out of our concentration and allow us to focus on one thing, something we enjoy, our project.

Doing something that we enjoy teaches us that joy is still possible in our lives and that joy does not dishonor our loved one. It also helps us review the roadmap of successful project completion. It helps us implement the mechanics of successful patterning (beginning, accomplishing, and completing) into our recovery journey.

GRIEF BRIEF 39

HOBBIES

Hobbies occupy the mind and hands.

They engage our brains and keep them in good health.

Hobbies create a sense of accomplishment.

They propel us toward a healthier and happier grief recovery.

(Mourning Light I, 2016)

3. My third suggestion is socialization. Loneliness and sadness are the two most common feelings associated with grief. Socialization, or re-entry into your life, is the only way to overcome these debilitating feelings.

GRIEF BRIEF 27

LONELINESS

Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses.

Social loneliness may be curbed through social support.

Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment.

With such, a new attachment is the only remedy.

Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely.

This behavior is more common among the elderly. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

4. Accounting for Grief Brief 27, how does one begin socializing in a manner that will acclimate them to a level whereby they can begin reaching out to accomplish this task and leave loneliness and sadness behind? My fourth suggestion is Grief Brief 38. It provides a gentle transition back into the world of socialization.

GRIEF BRIEF 38

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Family and friends can be a great resource for grief recovery.

Traveling to visit loved ones in other areas or having them visit the survivor offers

companionship that is familiar, uplifting, and relative to their life's experiences. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

5. Another great way to build up relationships is through serving others. When you are in the service of others, it is impossible to pity yourself. Your attention is focused on their needs rather than your own, and your reward is infinite.

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SERVICE

Service to others allows survivors to transfer their focus onto someone other than themselves and onto something other than their own woes. It allows them to develop new skills or share existing talents. It builds new or strengthens old relationships. It forces one out of the house, and makes survivors feel needed, wanted, loved, and appreciated. Feeling needed and putting others' needs before your own gives value to self and builds confidence by re-establishing outward focus. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

6. Another suggestion to assist you in resocialization is Grief Brief 37. Grief Brief 37 champions the benefits of religion. Not everyone is religious, and that is fine; however, perhaps you feel more comfortable with meditation or yoga if you are not religious.

Persons interested in these activities can find a social group to join.

GRIEF BRIEF 37

RELIGION

Religion offers hope for the future and forgiveness for the past.

It also offers like-minded support and understanding.

It can be a source for counseling and resocialization, a gateway for grief recovery. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

7. Complementing Greif Brief 37 would be Grief Brief 394, Prayer. By far, my clients tell me that prayer is their most outstanding tool to fight against grief. I can attest to this myself. Without prayer, I should have perished upon the loss of my grandson.

GRIEF BRIEF 394

4 STEP PATHWAY TO RECOVERY

STEP 4: PRAYER

"…Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (Matthew 21:21-22)

Prayer is the most comforting tool available to you. It is the tool that brings solace when you feel alone and chases away the demons that grief ushers in. It is the link to Christ that blankets you with his peace. And, it is the tool that opens the gate to the miracle of recovery. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

If you are embarking on this journey or have been on it for a while, I hope you will consider these suggestions to assist you toward your recovery. If you feel you need additional assistance, you might consider joining a support group or enlisting the guidance of counseling.

SONGS OF PRAISE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:14:12 GMT

I directed a funeral yesterday that was unlike any other funeral under my direction previously. The decedent did not have children, so her family members were siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins. The family decided to include moments of sharing where attendees can come up to the microphone and share stories about their loved one's life.

As the first person walked toward the microphone, he stopped at the head of the casket. Rather than speaking, he began to sing. At the end of his song, he bent forward, wrapped his arms around the casket, and hugged and kissed it. The following family member walked up toward the microphone but stopped at the head of the casket. Rather than speaking, she began to sing. At the end of her song, she bent forward and wrapped her arms around the casket like the gentleman before her and hugged and kissed it. Each person after that followed the same pattern until no one else came forward.

I thought about what I had witnessed. It was striking because it was an unusual thing to see. Each individual who wanted to share a story or experience about the decedent sang rather than spoke.

Music is an expression of the soul; it is spiritual and very moving. The songs her loved ones chose to share were gospel-oriented and expressed praises to God. Their songs testified to her nature.

The woman, lying in the casket at the front of the chapel, was a sister, aunt, friend, or cousin to everyone in the church. She had been a loving woman who sacrificed and took care of others. Her service to them touched their souls and molded their lives. They each loved her for it and were mourning their loss.

As I closed her services at the cemetery, I asked her loved ones to keep her traditions alive by continuing to serve and save others as she had. Her mission was to find the lost, heal the sick, provide for the weary and afflicted, and share peace through the gospel of Jesus Christ. I hope they follow in her life's work. Although I did not know this woman in life, in death, I knew who she had been. She had been a woman who believed and followed the teachings and examples of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. "And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." (Matthew 25:40) I knew her soul and deeds, by the songs of love and praise sung in her honor, by those she had so graciously served before her remains were sealed up within the earth's protective grave.

INFANT GRIEF

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:11:47 GMT

As a child, I would play in my great-grandmother’s yard. Her yard spanned over 180 acres, and my cousins and I would explore pastures, barns, bayous, and ponds as we played together. We would test our bravery by descending deep into her storm cellar. We would each count the number of steps we would descend before turning to run back up to the light above ground, where the air was fresh and filled with the sweet scent of magnolia trees, daffodils, and honeysuckle. We would climb trees to harvest mistletoe and chew sour weed as we chased chickens and cows.

My grandmother had a house on my great-grandmother’s estate. I would assist my grandmother in collecting eggs from her enormous chicken house and sit in the cold sorting room as we carefully processed each egg, checking for cracks and fertilization. Those eggs that passed the test and were okay to sell would be washed and placed in egg cartons. The smokehouse was next to the egg house, and the food cellar was closest to her home. The pump house, storm cellar, egg house, and food cellar each had their unique odor. Even in my sixties, I can recall those odors as clearly as I can recall the games my cousins and I used to play all around my great-grandmother’s property.

Inside of my great-grandmother’s house were additional opportunities for exploration. Her hallway was wide, and on rainy days, we would play “Mother May I” and “Red Rover.” As a tiny tribe of southern children, our choice would have been to play out in the rain; however, as an adult woman, I think that my great-grandmother was preempting muddy footprints in and out of her home.

My great-grandmother’s kitchen was a magical place. We would help her make dumplings and biscuits to feed all of us during the day. We would line up empty jam jars along her counters and pour fresh milk for everyone to drink. In our minds, we were helping her. Now that I reflect back, I think our mess was more work for her than if she had just shooed us outside and taken care of it herself. But, my great-grandmother had infinite patience and loved her grand and great-grandchildren beyond measure. At times, there would be more than 20 of us there wanting a sip of cool water, a snack, or perhaps a private moment in her restroom. I wonder how she did it.

Most of the time, if not all of the time, our play was peaceful. I can’t remember ever arguing with any of my cousins. I loved and continue to love every one of them. As we grew up, many of us moved away and now live in different areas of the United States. Due to age and lifestyle, some of my older cousins have begun passing away. That breaks my heart.

This past week, one of my cousins was in a fatal automobile accident. When we were children, this cousin and I began school together. We were the same age and born in the same month, just a few days apart. My cousin was a twin, but his twin did not survive beyond birth.

As we grew up, I think my cousin carried a deep wound of sadness within his soul over the passing of his twin. Of course, he was an infant and did not remember his twin, but the rest of our family, those who were older, certainly did.

His twin was buried in the cemetery in town. My mother would periodically take my siblings and me to place flowers on his deceased twin’s grave. Our extended family was very open about his twin’s death and would speak about it without reservation. Upon reflection, perhaps some of the adults could have been a little more discreet about their discussions during his childhood. I believe psychologically, these discussions scarred him and possibly caused complications as he traversed life. I am cautious about saying that he suffered mental illness from it, but he sustained issues that none of us did. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, our family was still a bit backwoodsy. No one would have ever had an inkling of death’s psychological impact and grief on a child. No one would have ever thought to concern themselves with his mental health or to take him to a doctor for counseling or assistance; such a shame.

I think my cousin traveled through his life lost and feeling abandoned. I also believe that as a child, he was most likely terrified that he too would one day die without cause. These fears, without proper love and protection from the responsible adults in his life, would leave him vulnerable to the imaginations of a child. I never thought about it until he passed last week.

As a certified grief counselor, perhaps there were things I could have done to help him. I don’t know. I never realized that his problems in life might have been related to his twin’s death at birth, as well as the unguarded discussions he was subject to as a child. Actually, I am not the one who even presented this hypothesis. As I discussed his personality with a colleague, she suggested mental illness. Upon reflection and analysis, I realized that his issues may have been profoundly rooted in fear from his exposure to unguarded adult conversations surrounding his twin’s death. It seems highly probable.

When discussing death with a child, an adult should answer the child’s questions honestly, using language appropriate to the child’s understanding. The circumstances for my cousin were impossible for him. No one in our family was educated enough to consider that he might be fearful of his own death, that he was too young to discern that his twin’s death was not related to his health, or that he was not at fault as the survivor. “Children often blame themselves for the death of someone else, and the truth helps them see that they are not at fault.” (Pamphlet: How to Talk to Kids about Death, Tracy Renee Lee, 2010)

As a child, my cousin was frightening. He was very much out of control. “For children, expressions of grief often manifest as explosive emotions and acting out behaviors reflecting the child’s internal feelings of anger, terror, frustration, helplessness, and insecurities related to the reality of death.” (Pamphlet: How to Talk to Kids about Death, Tracy Renee Lee, 2010)

When we started school together, my cousin seemed always to find himself in trouble. He would be called into the principal’s office, and his desk was separated from other students. As a teenager, he was entangled with law enforcement. Moreover, as an adult, he found himself in and out of incarceration repeatedly.

My cousin was a poor, backwoods boy from the Louisiana countryside. His parents and grandparents were not substantially educated, and I fear he may have suffered psychological complications associated with the infant death of his twin. I wish his life had been different or that I could have done something to help him through his difficulties.

Unfortunately, I did not comprehend the possibilities of grief-related mental disorders until his death. However, I now have a new understanding that I can use to assist others who may be suffering the same afflictions from this day forward.

That’s the best I can do. Helping him is now beyond my grasp. Unfortunately, I never realized that my education might have assisted him through some of his difficulties before it was too late. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that he suffered such a lonely and miserable life and that it ended on a county road with no one around to comfort him as his life escaped his body. I hope that if you know of someone suffering as my cousin did, you will reach out to help them. I hope I will too.

SEVEN MOSTCOMMON SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 17:09:13 GMT

The seven most commonly reported symptoms suffered by survivors during grief are sadness, shock, disbelief, guilt, anger, fear, and physical ailments. There are numerous other symptoms; however, these are the seven most common.

Grief Brief 373 SADNESS - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 1

Sadness is the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may also have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Sadness is often confused with depression by survivors. However, when suffering sadness, survivors do not experience the loss of self-worth as those who suffer depression. Sadness is transient and will lessen as time passes. Survivors will begin experiencing normal happiness levels as they adjust to their new reality of life without their loved ones by their side.

Unlike depressed individuals, survivors suffering sadness are also able to be distracted. They can set their dismay aside and participate in important and uplifting events. Of course, their participation in such events may be less animated and more of an obligatory nature than usual; nevertheless, they are able to participate to a degree.

GRIEF BRIEF 374 SHOCK - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 2

Although you may be expecting your loved one to die, the actual moment of death seems to shock you into an awareness of the depth of your loss. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

No matter how anticipated or expected the passing of your loved one is, the actual time and date remain a mystery. For that reason, death seems to shock your awareness of the finality of death and usher in the reality of other ailments.

GRIEF BRIEF 375 DISBELIEF - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 3

You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss is real or permanent, or even deny the truth. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Disbelief is there for your protection. The shock of surviving your loved one signals the stress hormone cortisol production. The production of this hormone in excess can cause severe complications to your health. Extended production of this hormone may lead to your death if you do not engage in grief recovery. Disbelief is not denial.

GRIEF BRIEF 376 GUILT - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 4

You may feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do, or about feelings (e.g., feeling relieved when the person dies after a long, complex illness). (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Survivors may feel guilty upon the death of a loved one that they perhaps treated poorly. It is important to realize that these feelings are usually regret rather than guilt. These feelings are normal and may motivate the survivor to change their ways to treat others more kindly and politely. Doing so assists the survivor in overcoming their negative feelings toward themselves.

Feelings of guilt over a person dying after a long or complex illness are feeling of relief. These feelings are generated through kindness between human beings and should not distress you. It is the love that you have toward another that brings on these feelings.

GRIEF BRIEF 377 ANGER - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 5

You may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Anger is a normal symptom that should pass as the survivor accepts the reality of their new existence. You may feel angry toward your loved one for things they left undone, or for new skills that you must now learn in their absence. You may feel angry because you suffer loneliness or because you didn’t have the chance to say goodbye. Perhaps you are angry at yourself because you left things unsaid, or you are frustrated and afraid. Whatever brings on your anger, understand that as you adjust to your new life, anger will diminish and be replaced with loving memories of your loved one (if they were a lovable person).

GRIEF BRIEF 378 FEAR - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 6

The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your mortality, of facing life without your loved one, or the responsibilities you now face alone. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Fear is a common symptom of grief. If you have lived with your loved one for decades, being without them beside you can cause you to fear being at home alone or perhaps going to the grocery store alone. The fact is that we are social beings and suddenly being without your companion is frightening.

Perhaps your loved one was a child. If you are a parent who suffers the loss of a child, you may have fears that other of your children might also die, especially if the cause of death were genetic. Maybe your children were involved in an activity together that caused the death. In such a case, your fears that your other child may suffer from the activity may be valid. If you have lost a child, my sincerest condolences go out to you.

GRIEF BRIEF 379 PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS - COMMON SYMPTOM OF GRIEF NUMBER 7

Grief often involves physical ailments such as fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. (Mourning Light Compilation, 2022)

Physical symptoms often accompany the loss of a loved one. If your symptoms are persistent, it is suggested that you seek out your physician for consultation. If you have pre-existing conditions, you should likewise consult your physician.

Sometimes these physical ailments are associated with the inability to rest due to a pre-occupation of your decedent.

Often physical symptoms may be related to your lack of self-care while suffering such enduring stress. It is suggested that you keep a journal of your self-care while enduring bereavement. In your self-care journal, track your medications, the times you eat, and especially write down the amount of water you drink. The physical ailments of grief are often related to dehydration. Once dehydrated, you will feel terrible, and it can become hazardous very swiftly. Please keep yourself well hydrated.

Each of these seven common symptoms accompanying grief usually lessens over time as you adjust to your new reality as a survivor. If you find that these symptoms remain persistent (lasting over six months), it is suggested that you consult your physician. If at any time these symptoms become severe, or you fear that you may harm yourself, immediately seek out medical intervention.

Additionally, your usual health care practitioner may not be educated in grief recovery. For this reason, I suggest that if these symptoms persist or become ailments, you also seek out a grief recovery specialist. Grief recovery specialists are schooled to recognize coping discrepancies and will be able to assist you in applying strategies that are geared directly toward grief recovery.

Disinterment

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 18:24:39 GMT

Today was a new experience for me. I had to assist a client disinter her husband. The past number of weeks have been agonizing for her. The cemeterian mismarked her husband's resting place, so it became necessary to relocate him. The stress imposed by such a mistake was harrowing.

As the day began, I pulled out my law books to review the legalities for disinterment. I studied it in school, but as this would be my first real-life experience, I thought a review was in order. My husband and I drove to the cemetery, and to be on the safe side; I took my law book with me.

The company hired for the disinterment was late; however, they got straight to work once they arrived. First, they dug the new grave. Next, we moved to the grave where my client's husband rested. The first scoop of earth was removed, followed by the next. As the bucket dug deeper and deeper, my stress grew stronger and stronger. At last, I saw the blue color of the casket. As the final shovel loads of soil were gently removed, the time to lift the casket arrived.

The casket was carefully lifted and transported to the new grave. My client's husband was lowered into his new resting place, and I felt her sigh.

It was done. Her husband was in his new grave, where he would rest until the great day of resurrection.

Disinterring a loved one is something no one ever hopes to experience. It is stressful, unsettling, and reawakens the pain of the funeral day.

As we stood by each other's side, I spoke with my client. Although she was within her rights to insist that her husband remain in his original grave, she relinquished his space to another family who are themselves in the midst of loss. Her heart, having recently suffered the pains of loss, gave way to lighten the pain of others.

Her actions, so Christ-like, touched my soul. Her willingness to make another's experience less painful made hers more bearable. I witnessed Christ's comfort upon her, and I thought of the appreciation he must-have for her. And then I saw it. I saw the miracle of Christ lifting her burdens.

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

–Matthew 11:28-29

As the earth was returned to his grave, his wife whispered these words to me. "He would have wanted that; to help someone else, to relieve their pain, and to right a wrong." Even in death, their purpose reunited to help others.

With tears streaming down her cheeks she was the perfect emissary of Christ's purity and love. Silently, she turned away and left the cemetery.

MY CAREER, MY CRISIS, MY JOURNEY

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 18:21:19 GMT

For me, studying the sciences created a weakness in my testimony. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with this, but through it, although confused, I was determined to find the truth in my soul.

Once I began the study of science, the spiritual companionship that I had always relied upon was weakened. In other words, the function of living became the study of biological functioning. If biological functions end, so too does life. With the cessation of life, a different biological function takes over and the body begins decomposing. Through my scientific studies, there was no study nor premise of spiritual matter sustaining, or being involved, with life.

Working with death confused me because the body is so different once it dies. The warmth and beauty which accompanied the person while living are instantly gone. As a student of science, I equated warmth and beauty with oxygenated blood pumping through one’s veins. Upon cessation of these actions, the body instantly loses its appealing color, immediately changes odor, steadily loses warmth as it adjusts to the surrounding temperature, and remains unresponsive to any treatments applied to support life. Based on scientific learning, life depended on scientific balance. If a body moved out of scientific balance life would become unsustainable, and death would occur.

Before I entered college for my science degree, I had been a successful portrait artist. Art had never been a part of my life until I had children. The birth of a baby is wondrous and miraculous. Being a mother motivated my creativity, it magnified the love within my soul, and it inspired me beyond what I had ever dreamt possible. I experienced the world through possibilities and unparalleled joy. I painted the beauty of the soul, the light that I saw within the eyes, and the purity that touched my heart. Painting was a spiritual experience.

Science nullified the spiritual communication of art and replaced it with emotionless scientific processes for me. I felt the loss deeply within myself. It was difficult and a little frightening to suddenly feel as though my life’s beliefs had been wrongly placed. What I had perceived as spiritual knowledge and communication, now seemed to be emotional weakness. I was confused but seemingly more emotionally controlled. One might say I had gained emotional maturity. On the other hand, one might say that I lost my spirituality to a large degree. Whatever the interpretation of this change in my life, I felt it very strongly.

Friends and relatives noticed it immediately. They would comment on it incessantly. Many were impressed by it, but others were concerned over it. I thought about it and decided that it had to be related to age. Not being subject to hormonal influences was very liberating to me. I felt in greater control of myself than ever before, and I liked the strength to reason based on facts rather than emotions. At least, that is what I told myself.

I began questioning the existence of deity. I wondered if I had passed through 50 plus years of life placing my trust in superstitions and crazy tales of spiritual interactions and history. Had the stories of ancient prophets and people of the Bible been based on imaginations? Life became very different for me. I questioned the consequences of dishonesty and unkindness. Where did justice fit in? Were there consequences after death or did everything just stop without continuation after breathing ended? I had confusing questions swimming around in my head that I had never considered. I found that my confidence was somewhat affected by it and my happiness was eroding. I stopped painting because I no longer understood what was behind the eyes and how such beauty could just vanish. Life lost its luster for me, its purpose, and I began to falter.

Then, without warning, the most horrific thing in my life happened. I lost my grandson. His death ripped my soul right out of my body. I suddenly couldn’t understand why life even existed. There seemed no logical reason for elements to join together to form bodies that functioned so magnificently. What was the purpose? How could elements on their own, cooperate in perfect concert to produce scientific creation without divine orchestration, instruction, and purpose? It just didn’t make sense to me, it was not justifiable.

The year 2020, although difficult for the world, was a Godsend to me. Due to shelter in place mandates, I was afforded the time to redirect myself through personal evaluation. I was able to discover and define who I truly was and what I truly believed. I studied scriptures, scientific theories, prophets, and scholars, and finally realized that returning to the beginning was my answer.

It became evident to me that physical life and function are based on the balance of scientific elements working together, but that their possibilities operate under the orchestration, direction, and permission of deity. They have a purpose; I have a purpose. My testimony was rekindled and my spiritual strength began to return. My happiness and confidence have returned and I have begun painting again. I have started gathering friends again and I have a new grandbaby.

Spiritual strength, paired with scientific studies and understanding, encourages me to allow growth in knowledge without fear of personal loss. Science no longer confuses me. It no longer robs me of my hope or knowing and fulfilling my spiritual purpose. Together, science and spirituality have enlightened my mind to understand more fully the trials of life, the purpose of its journey, and the consequences of eternity.

Moreover, I once again feel the existence of spiritual comfort. I know who I am, I understand my purpose, and my fears of death are gone. I am free to love, to be emotionally moved, and to exercise spiritual growth. My mind is open to guidance and enlightenment. It has clarity, wonder, and order. I am happy again, my creativity is returning, and I am grateful for my blessings.

Following the loss of my grandson, I sustained many additional losses of loved ones. Without the enlightenment of 2020, I would not have been able to understand and accept those losses as I have. The journey of growth and understanding comes together with enlightenment. Without such blessings life and loss would have no meaning, they would be unbearable.

I hope that if you are confused, lonely, sad, or depressed that you will take the time for personal reflection and study. I don’t know that I could have continued on much longer, lost in a world without spiritual awareness. I am glad that that chapter is closed in my life. I am glad that I feel my Savior’s love again, and that I am free to share it with those seeking solace. I am grateful for my family and their love, and I am thankful that life does not end when breathing ceases. I believe in miracles and have benefited from the miracle of spiritual companionship that saves lives; that saved my life.

I am thankful for Christ's love and forgiveness.

HERITAGE, HISTORY, AND FAMILY; THE VIRTUES OF AMERICA

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 18:18:24 GMT

I buried two Louisianans this weekend. One was from North Louisiana, and the other from South Louisiana. People from Louisiana are outrageously proud of their heritage. It is a state like no other, and the people are likewise like no other.

I was born in Louisiana. I currently live just across the Stateline in East Texas. If I drive my car at a moderate speed, I can be back to the place of my birth in about 20 minutes. I was born on the uppermost northwestern border of Louisiana, but to worship and shop, I would travel to the tiny Texas town where I currently live. My family's town barely survived the great depression. My Uncle Carl's general store was the only remaining commerce as I grew up. His store was so antiquated that he still had hitching posts rather than neatly painted parking spots for his patrons.

His inventory was minimal; therefore, if we needed something other than hand-sliced bologna or a Dr. Pepper with peanuts floating on top, we would drive 20 minutes to Texas.

Both funerals this weekend were very similar. One was for a man, and the other for a woman. Their similarities were cultural. Both decedents were born Louisiana poor, and both remained Louisiana poor throughout their lives. However, although potentially monetarily poor, people from Louisiana abound in rich heritage.

The two decedents, although both Louisianans, were of different races. The first was a white male Caucasian from North Louisiana; the second was a Cajun female from South Louisiana. Although they shared Louisiana's rich and proud culture, their regional cultures differed. Their funerals were heavily musical, celebratory in nature, and heavily attended by family. Both funerals focused on heritage, history, and family.

Heritage, history, and family, in my opinion, are essential things in life. If we don't know who we are and where we came from, how can we gauge where we are going? I believe that our heritage, history, and family start us on a course through life, but that as we grow and mature, we take the reins and become the masters of our future. Our heritage, history, and family ground us morally. From there, we write our own stories and determine our own outcomes. Our lives are as rich or poor as we make them. We can hold onto our culture and history and embellish them into something magnificent; or, we can walk away from them and make something equally exquisite but different. Our determination, moral compass, opportunities, passions, and desires will guide us to make out of ourselves what we will.

As American's, we have so much opportunity. I remember when Americans were just as proud of their heritage as Louisianans remain; Texans too. I have wondered why so many Americans have lost their pride. Perhaps it is because many have lost their heritage, history, and family unity.

When I was a child, American children learned their heritage and history partly in school but mainly from their parents and grandparents. Our parents and grandparents survived the Great War and the Great Depression. They had tenacity. The tragedies and losses they had witnessed and sustained imbued their souls with bravery so completely that they were able to withstand and uplift the weight of the world. They were indeed the "Greatest Generation" of my lifetime. They were strong, the salt of the earth, and they withstood adversity with honor.

Additionally, no one pulled the wool over their eyes because they wouldn't stand for it. They knew who they were, where they had come from, and where they were going. They knew it from the laps of their parents and grandparents; the people who loved them would never lie to them and would protect them, even if it meant taking a bullet for them. That's what being an American used to be like, and that's what being in a family should still be like. We were tough, strong defenders of our beloved constitution, and we wanted liberty and justice for all, not just for ourselves.

The Louisianans that I buried this weekend were proud Americans. They both lived through brutal oppression and poverty, but they never lost sight of hope and love. They loved their heritage, history, and family, and they hoped for a better generation and better future for their countrymen and the world at large.

As the attendees left their services, pausing to say a final farewell to their loved ones, their sobs were barely audible through the cultural music playing. The Caucasian male departed to "Louisiana Saturday Night." The Cajun female departed to "Jambalaya, Crawfish Pie, and a Filet Gumbo." As I observed both families leaving, I saw dancing feet crossing my threshold.

That's how life was when I was a little girl. When we said farewell at grandma's house, our bellies were full, our hearts were lifted, our heritage was strong, and our feet were dancing. And, almost every time, we were singing "Louisiana Saturday Night" or "Jambalaya, Crawfish Pie, and a Filet Gumbo" as we danced through the kitchen and down the driveway.

The two Louisianans that I buried this weekend were connected to me. As my family and friends left my building, I remained inside, tapping to the beat of my heritage. My heart was broken and filled with joy simultaneously. Knowing who I am, where I came from, and where I am going brought me great comfort.

This weekend I learned that heritage, history, and family have always been the guiding beacons in American values and culture. I also discovered that if we want to survive and share the blessings of liberty and joy with our children and the world at large, these virtues must return in prominence.

BY HER SIDE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 31 Jan 2022 15:24:49 GMT

My Aunt Mary died yesterday. I was in the middle of directing a funeral service, and I felt my phone vibrate. I looked down and could see that my sister was calling; my sister in charge of my aunt’s care. I knew before I even answered the phone; my aunt was gone.

My aunt came up from Austin, TX, last week for my mother’s funeral with my sister. Unfortunately, my aunt wasn’t feeling very well, so they stopped at the hospital about a mile before they arrived at my home. My aunt was admitted for COVID-related pneumonia and had to watch my mother’s funeral via facetime. Sadly, she did not survive.

My aunt was my mother’s youngest sister. As a child, I remember my aunt living with us even once I was an adult. There was a short period when our family moved to a different state, and my aunt remained behind. I think it was because she had substantial employment, better than she had ever had before and better than she would ever have again.

She was employed by the Arizona School for the Deaf and Blind. She liked her job, and she wanted to keep it. Perhaps she also didn’t care for the state where we were moving. It was different from Arizona in every possible sense. At any rate, she would work all school year and then travel to our home and stay all summer. Even the separation of several states could not keep my aunt from spending substantial time with my mother.

When I was a little girl, my aunt would allow me to sleep with her if I suffered a nightmare. Now that I am an adult, I appreciate how uncomfortable she must have been on that tiny twin bed with a child snuggled up to her. That was back in the 1960s.

My aunt’s life was hard. She was born dirt poor, and she died dirt poor. She remained poorly educated all of her life. Most of her youth and young adult life was spent living with my parents. My father was very generous and happily provided a roof over her head without reward. His only requirement to reside with us was that she not smoke inside the house. She was a habitual smoker and would stand outside, on the front porch, to smoke. That was also in the 1960s, long before it became taboo to smoke in someone’s home or in public. Eventually, my aunt gave up smoking. That was a great day for all of us.

Two days after my mother’s funeral, I went to see my aunt in the hospital. She was very uncomfortable. I had to “suit up” in all of the anti-germ clothing to enter her room. She did not recognize me, and she was so ill that I could not hug her.

True to her character, my aunt complained about the food, not going to my mother’s funeral, and being uncomfortable in the hospital. I hoped her complaints would not be her last experiences in life. Sadly, they were.

I often say that most of us choose how we shall die. Some people find that surprising, but as a funeral director, it is my observation. Most of us choose our lifestyle, and indeed, our lifestyle is generally what leads to our final diseases. Even when we know our susceptibilities, few of us actively address them before they appear “en force.”

Thankfully, my aunt gave up smoking 40 years ago. After seeing too many family members die of emphysema/lung cancer, she decided smoking was no longer okay. Unfortunately, the damages of smoking remained with her, and she was unable to withstand pneumonia. That one habit from her young adult life weakened her lungs so profoundly that recovery was beyond her grasp.

My mother’s last living sister shall travel back to East Texas for her younger sister’s funeral this weekend. She was here last weekend, weak, tired, and filled with grief for my mother’s funeral. The travel will be difficult for her, but she is determined to come. When I saw her last week, I wondered why both of my aunts were not admitted into the hospital. I pray that this week will not be too much for her, as it proved to be for her younger sister. Travel can be dangerous, especially for those suffering the frailties of youthful carelessness once age has crept in upon them.

I believe my grandparents must be happy. Yesterday, on a beautiful Texas winter’s day, another of their beloved children joined them on the other side of life. I am sure they attended my aunt as she has suffered this last week of life, anxiously awaiting the removal of life-sustaining measures keeping her here and prolonging her sufferings. I believe my aunt is happy too.

I am happy that my mother and her sister are together in heaven and that their separation was not very long. Except for short moments of time, their lives on earth were lived together. My mother cared and provided for her little sister in all circumstances, even through the end when she could barely provide for her own.

That’s how life should be; loved ones caring for loved ones through thick and thin. That is how my mother was; she cared for those who needed her; when they needed her. Without consideration to herself, no matter how tragic her own life was, my mother would charge in and fight another’s battles. At life’s twilight, my aunt could not continue living without her beloved sister, her protector and friend; my mother, by her side.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” at https://open.spotify.com/show/7MHPy4ctu9OLvdp2JzQsAA or at https://anchor.fm/tracy874 and follow me on Instagram at “Deadline_TracyLee.”

LAID TO REST

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 24 Jan 2022 12:59:31 GMT

It is surprising how completing the process of burying someone can have a liberating effect. For me, it is similar to a cleansing breath. You know how when you hurt yourself physically, like kicking the table leg with your bare toes; and then you jump around, on one foot, until you remember to take a deep breath? Once you settle down and take that deep breath of fresh clean air and then release it; ah you can literally feel the release of pain from your toes escape right along with it. That is what a funeral does for me. It’s almost a reset. Of course, just like my toes, a bit of the pain still lingers, but that horrid, I’ve lost my breath sort of pain, is greatly lessened.

Yesterday was my mother’s funeral. My mother had been in a refrigeration unit in my embalming lab for seventeen days. Those were seventeen of the most difficult days of my life. After work, and each morning before I would begin my daily tasks, I would go to the back of my funeral home, unlock the doors to my embalming lab, and check on my mother. I would check for signs of deterioration; her color, the firmness of her embalming, other things too, to ensure there were no signs that would alert me to employ a deeper level of preservation for her. I would touch her cheek and whisper that things were okay. My whisper was more to comfort myself rather than to inform her that she need not worry. Those were slow-moving, yet rewarding days for me.

Years ago I decided to go into funeral care because I wanted to be able to care for my family members as they passed away. When my grandmother passed away, I had the privilege of dressing and casketing her in preparation for her burial. That was the first time I had ever cared for a decedent. My mother and my sisters were there with me. We did it together. It was a life-changing experience for me. It taught me that there are things we can do for those we love that they cannot do for themselves and that when we do it with love and generosity in our hearts, the love that resides within us is magnified immeasurably. Two days ago, my sisters and I were again with my mother in an embalming room to dress and prepare a family member for burial. This time, however, my sisters and I were there to dress and casket our mother.

Over the years, I have realized that while a decedent is in my custody, I receive a spiritual responsibility of service to provide for their comfort, safety, care, protection, and love. It is interesting because the instinct to protect them is almost that of a mother to her child. I go to battle for them for signatures, permits, and registrations. I try to guide and direct their families to organize and prepare their finances, schedules, and grief so that they can survive the horrors of loss. I arrange the wishes and details of the family’s desired services so that they can say goodbye with a memory impression that will sustain them as they try to recover from the ravages of pain that loss imposes. My goal is to close a loved one’s life in such a way that those who remain behind will wake up (the morning after services) with hope and the ability to carry on.

When I first entered funeral care, I didn’t know that nurturing, protecting, and caring would be my mission. I didn’t realize that caring for a complete stranger, and their family would draw out of me every ounce of love and service from within my being. I didn’t know that I had that in me, not that my Savior would expect that out of me.

When I was interning for my funeral licenses, my proctor advised me of many things. One of the things he advised me to do was to take a wonderful vacation, every year. He warned me that too much death could rob me of my happiness, vitality, and spirituality. I think he and I are different types of funeral directors. For him, funeral directing was his job; mechanical with markers to meet. For me, funeral directing is my purpose; caring for others, protecting them, and helping them overcome the fiery darts that loss imposes on the soul. I have now been a licensed funeral director for fifteen years. To date, my husband and I have not had the time for vacations.

When my husband was in the US Navy, he bought us tickets over to France for our anniversary. I had lived in France before our marriage, as a missionary, and I loved the beauty of the people, the architecture, the food, and the art. While we were there, we visited many beautiful and spectacular sights. We ate amazing dishes. We walked endless miles along the cobblestoned streets of Paris, and we toured many museums. My favorite has always been the Louvre, and my husband enjoyed it immensely. He would stop and stare at paintings in amazement as he took in the details and skills of the renowned artists from so long ago. Art and music can reach right down into your soul and reveal truths that you never even knew existed. They can awaken you to the love and beauties that reside within your heart and reveal to you the potentials that you can reach during your life. Art and music are spiritual gifts.

My husband changed on that trip. He experienced spiritual growth that he had not before obtained. He discovered things about himself that were new to him. His revelations were not a surprise to me, because I had already seen those beauties and vulnerabilities within his soul. God had put them there, but the world around him had clouded them. His focus changed in Paris. Previously, my husband went after whatever challenged him with aggressive fearlessness. After Paris, my husband, although still fearless, would analyze the impact that his fierceness would impose on others. He understood that there were other ways available to him to serve and improve the lives of others. His goals and focus became to assist others to find happiness, beauty, spirituality, joy, and comfort. My husband saw that loving and serving others was better than forcing them into obedience. Of course, my husband’s profession was to be a warrior and fight the United States’ battles. He was very aptly suited for it.

Yesterday was my mother’s funeral. I tried to assist my family as they passed through this sad and difficult experience of losing our mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend. Yesterday, as I lay my head down upon my pillow, I thanked God in my prayers for a husband who understands that service to others through love and tolerance is better than imposing his will on them. I expressed my gratitude for my husband’s love and patience toward me as I have traversed the passing and burial of my mother, for our wonderful vacation to Paris and the enlightenment it brought into our lives, for the glories of children and grandchildren, for my sweet extended family members and friends who attended my mother’s funeral service giving me support during my time of loss, for my experiences as a funeral director, for my amazing marriage, for the blessings in my life, and for the long-awaited burial of my mother.

My mother has been in my embalming lab for seventeen days. Yesterday, I received and released my cleansing breath; my sigh of relief. With the love and support of my husband, and surrounded by my family, at long last, I laid my mother to rest in peace.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Cheese

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 19:50:00 GMT

I call my husband “Sweet pea.” I don’t know why, it’s just my sweet name for him. I love him so much and when we married, I felt as though I needed a name for him that only he and I shared. Something that set him apart from anyone else that I had ever known, or would ever know, because he was unlike anyone else in the world to me.

My daughter calls her husband “Honey Bee.” I think that is an adorably sweet name for him. Like me, she has a name for her husband that only she and he share. It is something unique to them, something that sets him apart from anyone else in the entire world, apart as her partner, the love of her life, her soulmate, and most importantly, her husband.

When I was a child, my daddy called my mother “Cheese.” I never thought to ask why, it was just his sweet name for her. When my daughter was a little girl, she asked me why her “Pa Pa” (my dad) called her “That Momma” (my mother) “Cheese.” I told her that I did not know exactly, but that he had always called her that and that he always would. For my daughter, that answer was not sufficient. So, inquisitive as she was, she asked my mother, why my father called her “Cheese.”

My mother’s answer was absolutely darling. My father called my mother “Cheese” because he loved her smile. And when they were dating, he would look at her and say, “Say cheese,” just to see her beauty, and experience the perfect joy that it would bring into his heart. I believe that about my dad because he loved my mother more deeply than any man had ever loved a woman, and she loved him right back.

Unfortunately, when my daughter asked my mother why my father called her “Cheese,” my mother was living with our family because my parent’s marriage had ended in shambles. My mother’s entire identity was based on her princess marriage to my father. To this day, over 30 years later, friends and relatives still express their utter disbelief that my parents’ marriage ended. They recount the perfect fairy tale marriage of the legendary beauty being swept off of her feet by the reigning Mr. Handsome, to live happily ever after, together in perfect harmony. My parent’s life together was a love story to envy, they enjoyed legendary beauty, pure love, and perfect happiness; until they didn’t.

When we discovered that my father had a secret life, one that did not include us, my mother was psychologically devastated. She was so deeply committed to him that she had trusted him implicitly; we all had. The shock was too much for my mother. She grieved the loss of her marriage as though it was the loss of her life, and truly, it was.

About 18 months ago, a friend contacted me. When we were children, our families did everything together. My parents and his parents were best friends. Back in the late 1960s, our parents met at church. They had a group of friends, all married couples, who enjoyed riding motorcycles. They would go on little trips together as a group of married couples. They would travel out of town for dinner, plan games like scavenger hunts out in the Arizona desert, and go on camping trips up in the mountains or down in Mexico. They did all sorts of fun couples activities.

When my family left Arizona, my parents remained friends with this particular couple. Our families would vacation together, and our friends would stay with us for the entire summer. (They were school teachers and had summers off.) The dad, of this family, and his sons would work with my dad and my brother building houses for summer income. Our families really loved each other and still do.

When my friend contacted me, 18 months ago, it was to offer me a DVD, filled with film clips of our summers together. He sent me the DVD and I watched it. It was difficult to watch because I saw my parents as they once were, and as I thought they would always be; blissfully happy, beautiful, and together. Seeing my parents the way they had been, broke my heart, and so I put the DVD away. I did not share the DVD with my siblings, my mother, or my dad because I thought to spare them the sorrow that it had brought into my heart to see our time as a precious family, enjoying the love that now eluded us. I especially wanted to spare my mother the anguish that seeing her beloved, loving and caring for her, would bring.

My mother died this past week. My daughter and her sweet little family traveled down to Texas to see her, before we bury her, three days hence. While she was in my office talking with me as I worked, she saw the DVD on my desk and asked me about it. I explained the contents to her and she asked if she could watch it. She said that she had never seen her grandparents together, and I was amazed, and saddened, that her statement was true. I handed her the DVD and asked her to go into another room to watch it, as seeing it brings old injuries forward in my soul.

She took the DVD to one of my other offices and watched it. When she returned it to me, her eyes were wet with tears. She cried for the remainder of that day.

The next day, my daughter came to me and told me that she had been unable to sleep all night. I asked her why. She said that until yesterday, when she saw the DVD, she had never understood why my dad thought my mother’s smile was so amazing. She said that she had never seen my mother smile with joy and love. She began to cry and said that she had never known that my mother had once been happy and loved; that she had never understood how devastating the ending of my parent’s marriage had been; and that she was horrified that my mother had spent the last half of her life grieving for my dad when he lived just down the street. And through absolute empathy for her deceased grandmother, her tears overwhelmed her.

She explained that when my mother had told her that my father called her “Cheese” because of her beautiful smile, she had never understood that my mother’s smile was an open window into her soul, expressing absolute joy and unconditional love for my dad. She didn’t know it until she saw the two of them together on DVD, experiencing life together in perfect union and glorious happiness. My parent’s granddaughter, in her 30+ years of life, had never seen her grandparents together. In all of that time, she had never seen my mother without a heart of grief, and she had never seen my mother smile with pure joy. Watching the DVD broke her heart as it had mine 18 months ago because she saw into the window of her grandmother’s broken soul. She finally saw and understood the grief that my mother suffered.

That is the way I remember my parents. They were the perfectly married couple that everyone dreams of being. It is impossible to imagine such happiness unless you had met my parents, back then, in the ’50s and ’60s. Bliss and joy were theirs, but somehow they lost it. My dad let go of the most precious thing on earth; the total unconditional love of the most beautiful and loyal woman ever. My mother, however, held her love and loyalty for him, deep within her soul, until the day she died.

In three days we will lay my mother to rest. She will be buried next to my grandmother, her mother-in-law. That was her wish. It was also the wish of my grandmother. My grandmother solicited a promise from my mother not to divorce my father until after her (my grandmother's) death. She, like my mother, could not bear the anguish of realizing the truth, the truth that my father had deceived and abandoned my mother. My grandmother, until the day she died, held hope that if my parents remained married, my father would one day return to my mother.

My mother and my grandmother loved each other so much that when my grandmother neared the end of her life, she insisted on leaving her Louisiana home to reunite with my mother in California. When my grandmother passed away, it was under the tender care of my mother’s unwavering love and loyalty to her.

Except for those few years with my father, my mother’s life was difficult and filled with pain and sorrow. Through all of the trials of deception, abandonment, and anguish; my mother remained ever faithful to her values and beliefs. She never stopped loving my dad, and she never stopped serving her Lord.

My mother's funeral will be this week and in my soul, I know, that she has finally received relief from her sufferings. Her body is no longer riddled with pain, her mind is no longer clouded with confusion, and although I’m sure her heart remains forever scarred from her living trials, I feel certain that it is now filled with love and joy.

At long last, my mother is finally surrounded by those who have loved her since time began. She endured to the end, all of the trials set before her, and she has re-entered the presence of her Lord, Jesus Christ.

My mother was a woman of honor whose life ran into ruin without her consent. Unwavering in her commitment and undeniable love for my father, my mother grieved in writhing anguish until the day that she died.

God speed mom. I'm sorry I was unable to help you recover, but I love you and I always will.

PUSHING PAST THE PAIN AND SORROW OF LOSS, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND ABANDONMENT Part Three Reaching Out

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 06 Dec 2021 13:21:38 GMT

When I was a young mother, I told my sweet daughter that a kiss from mommy made everything better. She quickly agreed with me and ran off to play as though her boo boo was non-existent. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could accept that same concept as adults? What if we were there for friends, neighbors, associates, and strangers in need like we are there for our children? Imagine the happiness we would spread if we comforted the broken-hearted, provided for the needy, and chased away the demons that infiltrate the minds and souls of those who wander. Just doing those few things would make the world such a better place.

Acts of service should never be conditional. They should be freely given through a spirit of love and selflessness. Many people feel very lonely and abandoned when suffering loss. It is a time riddled with fear and agony. It is also a time when a tiny bit of kindness can produce miraculous results.

At the loss of a significant loved one, the survivor is often in a very vulnerable place. A highly functional person may suddenly find themselves unable to complete the simplest of tasks. A sociable person may suddenly become reclusive. One cannot predict the effects of loss and others should render assistance rather than formulate and offer judgments.

As human beings we strive to be good people; to improve society rather than impede or degrade it. We are naturally social, and seek out relationships that enrich our lives. As we make alliances and build our families, we invest in our future through love and attachments. Although we know that all life ends, to date, there is no way to shield ourselves from the pain that accompanies death. The pain of lost attachment is inevitable. Our charge is to assist each other through it.

I often write about the blessings, beauty, and miracles of service and forgiveness. Today, however, I want to add a task that facilitates these amazing virtues. This task is a conduit that eases the pain, loneliness, and suffering of grief. It is simply reaching out to each other.

Whether you are the survivor or the supporter, reaching out is one of the most important things you can do when someone has died. As a survivor, reaching out to others is extremely difficult. A survivor is vulnerable, unsure, weak in mind, body, and spirit, and afraid. Survivors are depleted of energy, their minds are swimming in a pool of confusion, and they do not know where to turn for help. As a supporter offering love, gentle guidance, and genuine concern are the greatest gifts at your disposal.

Sometimes supporters feel lost and unsure of how to help. In such a circumstance, reaching out to Christ for guidance is your best avenue. Spiritual inspiration will yield answers and ideas that you would not have considered otherwise. Survivors will suffer long days and dark nights, however, with your support, they will benefit and feel better. They will feel their souls open and healing will begin.

Reaching out to survivors as they suffer helps supporters through sufferings of their own. Offering your support helps move your focus off of your own pains. It liberates your mind from any congestion (aka. mind fog) and frees you to accept inspiration that might assist you in recovery. How amazing is it that helping another human being through their pain of grief not only helps you recover from your own issues, but reveals the path to helping others even more? Assisting and helping others is an act of selfless love. It magnifies spiritual growth, increases joy and love, and reveals the purpose of life.

To begin helping a survivor, one need do no more than simply show up. Being there is more than others are doing, and it demonstrates your love and sincere concern for the survivor.

It is often difficult to know what to say. In such circumstances, my suggestion is to simply listen. Even when all you hear is silence, listening through the silence allows the survivor to work through the chaos rushing through his/her brain. Your presence, silence, and patience shore the survivor up and allow him/her to begin organizing his/her thoughts. In actuality, the survivor is not ready to speak, and is incapable of listening. They need your support rather than your prattle. They need to begin reorganizing the chaos within their minds, and to do so, they need silence accompanied by spiritual and physical support. By being there, listening to the silence in the room, you are calming their fears without interruption or interference. You are opening the gates to the healing process. You are providing precisely what they need.

Nurture and minister to your survivor with authenticity and sincerity. Listen to your heart and act upon inspiration. Allow your soul to connect with their soul. Losing a loved one is a spiritual wound; an ailment to the soul. Therefore, it follows that recovery must also be spiritual; a restoration of the soul. Words need not be spoken when souls commune.

If someone is going through tragedy, don’t stay away from them. That’s the coward’s way out. Don’t just give them their space, that’s not what they need. To be a friend, and to truly help them through this tragic time, we must be willing to lift their burdens by taking them upon ourselves. Sometimes doing so is inconvenient and quite often uncomfortable, but that is the secret to helping each other.

Be the answer to someone’s nightmare by reaching out to them in their time of need. Show up when others won’t, and listen when silence fills the room. Nurture and minister the broken-hearted as they mourn their loss and you will lift their burdens of grief. That’s what we do when life gets tough. That’s what we do when we love one another.

As we celebrate the Christmas season, I hope we will reflect upon the great examples of love, service, and sacrifice set before us by our Lord, Jesus Christ, during his brief, yet holy life. His love was so pure that he withstood unparalleled brutality and laid down his life for us. Before his death, he offered us peace and a pathway back to our heavenly home. All we need to do is follow his counsel.

This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you.

John 15:12

Merry Christmas

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

PUSHING PAST THE PAIN AND SORROW OF LOSS, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND ABANDONMENT, PART TWO EXCUSES

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 15:34:07 GMT

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have said, “Death is never convenient.” If so, I would be a millionaire many times over.

Because death is inconvenient, people come up with excuse after excuse to ignore it. This is true for survivors, as well as, for their supporters. Good supporters, in my book, are human angels.

I believe that surviving our loved ones is the most difficult thing we do as humans. I buried my great aunt a few years back. Upon her death, she was 104 years old. She would often visit me and through great sadness and extreme loneliness, she would cry out to me, “Tracy, why can’t I die?” She once stated, “Everyone I know and love is dead. I have no friends, no one to love me, and no one to share my life with.” She yearned for death.”

Over the years, I have reviewed her statements many times. My great aunt had grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren living right next door to her; a son and daughter-in-law within a 6-hour drive from her; and nieces, nephews, great-nieces, and great-nephews living within 30 minutes from her. My great aunt had enough relatives living all around her to fill a small city. So why did she feel that she had no one around her that she knew or loved? It was because of excuses.

Each of my great aunt’s relatives had an excuse that justified their failure to comfort her through her decades of loneliness and grief. I admit I had excuses. I live 20 minutes away from her home, I live in a different state than she does, I’m busy because I own and operate a small business, I have children and grandchildren to love, my husband and I have meetings to attend, my husband is a professional speaker and so we travel, I have to cook dinner, I’m too tired to drive to her home, she probably goes to bed before 4:00 PM so it’s too late to drop by, and so on. The truth of the matter is that I had an aunt who needed me to visit her and I rarely did. I justified my failings and perpetuated her sufferings. I excused myself from my duty to help her.

Eventually, my great aunt became blind and lost her hearing. These physical failures separated her even further from the world of the living. At 104, her balance began to waiver, restricting her to home. Obviously, she could no longer drive and became 100% dependent on others for her life’s necessities. My poor-aged aunt, during the last stages of life, could rely very sparingly on those with whom she was related. We, those who should have been her comforters and caregivers, were all too busy with our own lives to be bothered with hers. Eventually, my great aunt passed away.

I can only imagine her great joy as she crossed over to the other side of life. She was finally in heaven with those who loved and cared for her, those whom she had missed and yearned for over half a century. What a joyous day her death must have been for her, and for them.

As I reflect back and try to learn from her experience, I have discovered great treasures of knowledge. I have learned that I, and you, must push past the inconvenience, and less than ideal circumstances, surrounding death and grief recovery. We must overcome our reasons for shirking our duties, and realize that they are nothing more than excuses.

HOW DO WE PUSH PAST OUR EXCUSES?

To push past our excuses, we must knock down the barriers of travel and timing and go around them. Although it may not be the right time for us, we must go anyway.

Additionally, we must overcome the obstacles of inconvenience. We must take the initiative to rearrange our schedules, put aside our discomforts and insecurities about death, seize the opportunity to help someone who is suffering the worst experience in life, and rely upon the promptings of the Holy Spirit to guide us.

Moreover, we must accept that it is hard to know what to say when someone is grieving but realize that their needs are greater than our fears. We must be brave. We must not worry that we might say or do something that might make it worse. We must understand that just being there is more than enough. Talking nor counseling are required. Listening is enough, even when silence is all that we hear. Being there provides security to the survivor, shores up their foundation with support, quiets their fears, and passes along the comforts of love.

There are not enough excuses in the universe to change the reality of death. It happens. It will happen to each of us. The most valuable assistance we can give a survivor is to mourn with them.

Be the answer to someone’s prayer. Quell their fears by being with them in their hours of worry, fear, loneliness, and heartache. Assist them through the trials of recovery by being their friend through their darkest moments.

Be the comfort promised in the scriptures by sharing Christ’s love and His great Plan of Happiness with them. In rendering these most precious services, you will witness your own pains and fears dissipate, and you will be blessed beyond comprehension as you fulfill, in part, this prophetic promise…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

PUSHING PAST THE PAIN AND SORROW OF LOSS, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND ABANDONMENT, PART ONE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 22 Nov 2021 05:35:51 GMT

This morning I am sitting at my desk and approaching my weekly task of writing my bereavement article. I am reviewing the past two years of trials, pandemics, and loss, and I revel in the realization that I am blessed, my family loves me, and that Christ has prepared me, and carried me, through the most difficult times of my life. At this moment, when so many feel alone, I can stand and rejoice in the comfort of Christ’s mercy upon me.

That is a powerful statement because it is a powerful realization. Most of my life has been difficult monetarily. My roots are from poverty-stricken, barely educated people, and my choices followed that same pattern. On the flip side, my life has always overflowed with love and faith. I have never experienced a moment where I have felt alone, abandoned, or unloved.

Once I hit my golden years, I changed my life. I went back to college, educated myself, and with the love, support, and faith of my husband and children, I changed the broken part of my life. Today, I am better educated and more comfortable than ever before. A few years back, I lost my grandson. His loss has taught me that with faith, I can rise from the very depths of sorrowful hell.

I share these very personal insights into my life because I am going to share with you the secrets that enabled me to recover from the overwhelming pain and anguish of loss, as well as the pain of not reaching my potential earlier in life. It is important to realize that none of us is perfect, but that life is a series of steps that helps us improve as we travel through it. Forward and upward movement is all that we need to focus on, and eventually, if we cling to our faith, and do what is right, we will get to where we will be happier than we ever imagined.

These are Christ’s gift to us, the power to overcome our mistakes and sorrows, to forgive and be forgiven, to recover from trials and anguish, to assist and serve others along the way, to become who we should always be (His followers), and to return to heaven to live with God. These are amazing gifts, and they are freely offered to each of us.

Once I realized that I could still breathe after learning of my grandson’s death, I knew immediately that I would not survive such a tragedy without leaning on the everlasting arms of Christ. I knew I had to reach out and seek His guidance and ask for His comfort. Without His power, I was powerless to recover. I turned to prayer immediately.

Through prayer, I understood that my journey would be forever ongoing because my love for my grandson would never cease. I also understood that Christ and His angels would support me and help me come to a place where I could function again. The first step to recovery from anguish for me was asking for divine assistance. The second step was to support others as Christ did when He walked upon the earth.

In asking for divine assistance I received affirmation that Christ would help me. I felt spiritual comfort and my fear began to weaken. I held strong to my faith that Christ would be my companion and guide me back to a better place, and it began to happen almost immediately. I felt impressed that I should reach out to assist others who were suffering, and so, I immediately began to search out ways to accomplish this task.

Searching out others to offer assistance was like manna to my soul. Helping others who were suffering provided me with a purpose. It helped me focus on goals and tasks that took my mind away from the pain that engulfed my soul. It helped me socialize myself, rather than remain focused on the misery that was suffocating the very life out of me. It gave me respite from my anguish, and it gave me the joy to know that in some small way, I was paying the grace, extended to me by my Savior, to others who needed His love, assistance, and support. I searched and found others who needed someone to step in and help them bear their burdens. By mourning with others, I was able to offer comfort because I was able to relate to their pain. We shared our pains together and helped each other through the trials of anguish.

As we enter this holiday season, if you are suffering from the loss of a loved one, I hope that you will try this method of recovery. It worked for me, I hope it will work for you. Take this week and try it out. I think it will help you get through the holidays.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are absolutely the best seasons of the year unless you are drowning in the waters of grief. Grief, like a vacuum, sucks the joy out of almost everything. Take the time to help someone else find their joy and you will find your joy increasing exponentially.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” at

https://open.spotify.com/show/7MHPy4ctu9OLvdp2JzQsAA or at

https://anchor.fm/tracy874 and follow me on Instagram at "Deadline_TracyLee".

DEATH AND DECEPTION

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 12:22:38 GMT

I once directed a service where there were four ex-wives, as well as a current wife. There were awkward moments throughout the funeral week, but in the end, everything worked out fine. Tomorrow, I will direct a funeral for a young man who has died before his time. He is divorced but leaves behind young children and extended family who love him. They grieve his loss very deeply.

This young man also leaves behind a number of girlfriends who did not realize that they shared their boyfriend amongst themselves. This situation has created a great deal of awkwardness, pain, and creative service arrangements. How fortunate for them, that the decedent’s mother is willing to arrange a private time for each of them to be with him before he is placed in the earth for final rest. An unexpected death can, and often does, reveal secret lives.

GRIEF BRIEF 77

COMPLICATION

TABOO RELATIONSHIPS

Taboo relationships present difficult grief recovery situations for surviving lovers and surviving family members.

If the taboo relationship was unaccepted or unknown by the decedent’s family, the surviving lover may find resentment or exclusion greets them as they approach the surviving family.

They may find that they are not welcome at services or mentioned in the obituary.

Taboo relationships may include infidelity, same-sex attraction, pedophilia attraction, underclass attraction, and associations with lawless individuals.

If you find yourself in this type of situation, you might look for support from others who knew and accepted your relationship with the decedent.

If this is not possible, a therapist who specializes in these types of grief relationships may be your best option. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Death is often accompanied by anger. Survivors generally experience anger over bills, loss of income, loneliness, frustration, etc. In most cases, anger dissipates as the survivor identifies the causes and overcomes them. These women, unaware of their boyfriend’s infidelity in life, must now grieve his loss while confronting the unwelcome deception he has thrust upon them. Deception is difficult to resolve at any time in life, but when accompanied by loss it can present complications that may require assistance from grief recovery specialists.

GRIEF BRIEF 141

(GRIEF WORK)

ANGER

Anger during bereavement may express itself from demonstrative outbursts of extreme rage to quiet or mild annoyance.

Widows and widowers alike often feel anger at the disruption and loneliness in their lives.

Quite often, they need to learn new skills that were once their spouse’s responsibility.

Anger should subside as the survivor learns new skills and adjusts to their new role in caring for themselves.

Unfortunately, survivors will often feel guilty over their anger.

One should realize that this is a normal response to loss and that it does not infer that they did not love or appreciate their loved one.

More often than not, anger is brought on through frustration.

Once the frustrating issue is resolved, the anger should dissipate. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

These girlfriends face a unique challenge. How do they recover from their boyfriend’s death now that they have learned that their relationships were not as he represented? Each must attempt to recover from a relationship laced with deception and lies without his presence to rectify his actions. Their anger will be intense and not easily remedied. If they find it unresolvable, they run the risk of extreme complications. Self-doubt, self-loathing, embarrassment, and depression will haunt them and they must find a way beyond it.

GRIEF BRIEF 24

(STAGE OF GRIEF)

ANGER

Anger is common among the bereaved.

It is generally brought on through anxiety, panic, and frustration.

It is important to properly direct anger at the grim reaper rather than toward others.

Realizing that the absence of your loved one has caused your emotional issues will help you move beyond the anger and develop the necessary skills for recovery.

The most dangerous adaptation to intense anger is to turn on oneself.

Mourners who inflict their anger on themselves run the risk of developing self-loathing and in more severe cases, may fall prey to suicide.

If you are suffering extreme anger for an extended time and find that you are unable to control yourself emotionally or physically, consider seeking immediate assistance. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

If these women find that their anger is becoming ragingly irrational, I suggest immediate intervention through the assistance of licensed grief counselors and/or mental health practitioners. This type of anger, if left unchecked, can lead to extreme depression with extreme consequences.

GRIEF BRIEF 291

DEPRESSION

Depression is not a normal part of grief; it is a complication that interferes with recovery and raises the risk of serious illness.

Depression can be distinguished by trained counselors by looking for specific emotional patterns.

“In normal grief, the sad thoughts and feelings typically occur in waves or bursts followed by periods of respite, as opposed to the persistent low mood and agony of major depressive disorder.” (Sidney Zisook, MD, University of CA, SD)

Survivors experiencing normal grief usually retain their self-esteem, sense of humor, and their capacity to be consoled or distracted from the pain.

Depression evokes internal struggles of guilt and worthlessness, as well as limiting one’s ability to experience or anticipate pleasure or joy.

Depression is dangerous and should be treated by a mental health care professional. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Seeking assistance from the beginning is better than suffering through the anguish of deception. Depression brought on through these circumstances may lead to suicide. Do not assume that a survivor’s depression, especially in this scenario, is fleeting or of little concern. In any scenario of despair, but especially one infused with deception, one should immediately seek counseling. “Do not take the responsibility of helping a survivor through depression solely upon yourself. Depression needs to be treated by a professionally trained physician.” (Mourning Light I, Grief Brief 14, 2016}

My heart goes out to each of these women. I hope and pray that those who love them and who are close to them will be able to assist them through the difficulties that await them. As they travel this tough road of grief recovery laced with deception, I hope that they will each find their way around the pain, anguish, and depression that awaits them. I hope they find a new life filled with peace, joy, and love.

As we enter this holiday season, if you know of someone who is suffering loss or pain, I hope you will find it within yourself to reach out and offer a heart of compassion. The birthday of our Savior is a magnificent time of year and each of us deserves love, assistance, and compassion.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

WORLD'S MOST VALUABLE CURRENCY

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 02:11:17 GMT

I often write about the healing miracles and blessings associated with service. In my opinion, service is miraculous because the benefits to both parties are life changing.

The person struggling receives the help they need, and they are showered with another’s caring and love for them. In turn, their confidence and self-worth is renewed.

On the other hand, the person rendering the service benefits spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. Additionally, when the service calls for physical exertion, the server receives the added benefits of physical conditioning. In turn, the server’s self-confidence and self-worth are bolstered. In the end, the benefits to each party involved are humbling, uplifting, and rejuvenating.

When you render service, you give of yourself. Even when your service is monetary, you are giving the rewards of your work rather than utilizing them for your own gain. It seems virtually impossible to render service of any sort without both parties benefiting from it.

Donating money to someone in need instantly doubles its value because each party is enriched through its benefit. The server through spiritual and selfless growth, and the receiver through spiritual growth and whatever their physical or emotional needs require. Service is one of the only things that has double value in life. I think that makes it the most valuable currency on earth.

Service is all about love, and just like falling in love involves physical and emotional investment, so too does service. When one is not present in their relationships, love does not develop. It works the same in charity and service. Simply giving to meet a mark on the “Good Person” scale, does not make you a good person. Giving without love is akin to bragging, it is an act of pride and boastfulness. In fact, giving without the emotional commitment of service creates contention and resentment.

People are not statistics and neither are their needs. One should realize that giving service to another is giving service to oneself. It’s the double or nothing principle; rendering service pays double the dividends because both the server and the receiver glean benefits. The benefit to the giver is just as tangible, and important, as the benefit to the receiver. Likewise, giving without purity, contaminates the results. Indeed, charity given without love is merely welfare. It robs both the giver and the receiver of their dignity.

When people are in need, they are usually experiencing a crisis or suffering extreme stress. These conditions naturally increase the production of stress hormones. Stress hormones interfere with memory, health, logic, and coping skills. Therefore, persons suffering these conditions may not remember what you did for them, they will, however, remember that you were there for them. It’s the comfort of communion and the spirit of service that remains long after their needs are met and their circumstances change. That is the true reward of service. People love you and are grateful for your good deeds. They remember that when they needed help, you were there. They remember that you lifted their burdens when they could not. And most importantly, they carry love and gratitude for you deep in their souls.

It’s not what you did, it’s that you did it. Moreover, you did it when they couldn’t and others wouldn’t.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 16:17:37 GMT

I attended a Veterans Day event this past week. A woman spoke about her son’s military service, her pride in his sacrifices, her fears for his safety, and the sadness and insecurities brought on by the deaths of his fellow service members. She said that she attended the funerals, one by one, of his fallen buddies. As she stood at the cemetery of one of the services, she specifically told the honor guard that she never wanted one of those flags nor to hear the rifles fire in her son’s honor. To her good fortune, her son survived his service to our great nation. Several of his buddies, however, did not.

I was a military wife. Fortunately, my husband also survived his service to our great nation and is now retired. The stress of having a loved one in harm’s way is excruciating. I can’t imagine the sorrow one experiences at the loss of a service member on distant shores.

When my husband was serving in Desert Storm, I served his command as Ombudsman. One afternoon, I was in my kitchen cleaning up after my daughter’s snack when I heard a vehicle pull up in front of my home. I looked out of my kitchen window in time so see my husband’s Captain and CACO (Casualty Assistance Calls Officer) exiting their car. My knees instantly buckled and I literally fell to the floor. There would be no reason for the Captain and CACO to arrive at my home in an official military vehicle other than to notify me that my husband had been killed in action. In an instant, I knew that my life had changed.

They knocked on my door. I picked myself up off of my floor and with tears streaming down my cheeks, I answered the door. The Captain was very distraught to see me in such a state and asked if there was something wrong? Can you imagine? I was instantly confused. I thought to myself, “Really, you are here to inform me that my husband has been killed in theatre, and you’re asking if there is something wrong? What could be more wrong than that?” I was devastated.

My mind was racing chaotically about my new circumstances. I could not let myself think about my husband’s manner of death. I hoped he hadn’t suffered. I wondered if I would receive his body back for burial. How would I tell my daughter that her daddy was dead? There were so many horrifying details darting through my brain that I thought that I too would perish.

Suddenly the Captain’s countenance changed. He became very apologetic and sympathetic. He reached out to me and immediately informed me that my husband was fine. He said that he was near my home (on other business) and thought it would be a nice idea to drop by and take his Ombudsman out to lunch. He had not stopped to ponder the implications that his escorted arrival along with the CACO would indicate regarding the death of my husband. At that point, I was very happy that my husband was okay, but I was in no shape to go out for a lighthearted lunch; I declined the invitation.

My point is that military families live on the edge of disaster every single moment of their loved one’s career. It is a highly stressful and insecure existence. If you pile on top of that, the death of their service member (especially overseas) where a body may not be returned to them, you immeasurably increase prolonged devastation that will most likely lead to complicated grief recovery.

GRIEF BRIEF 192

Disbelief

Some survivors find it difficult to believe their loved one has died.

This is especially true when a decedent’s body is not recovered.

Military families often suffer disbelief.

This situation can cause extreme recovery difficulties for the survivors.

In such circumstances, professional counseling is advised. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

My Great Uncle, who served in the US Navy, was killed in action during the Pearl Harbor attack. He was a very young man and had not yet married. Therefore, upon his death, my great-grandmother was his immediate next of kin. Due to the savage attack on American soil by the Japanese, the bodies of many American service members were unrecoverable. My great-grandmother lived the rest of her days vacillating between uncontrolled sadness and haunting disbelief. Her husband, my great-grandfather, passed shortly thereafter. This loss, coupled with her disbelief of her son’s death, added additional grief to her complicated recovery scenario. Unfortunately, my great-grandmother was isolated in the backwoods of Louisiana, next to the Texas border. Back then, grief recovery assistance was not even a concept in her area of residence. My great-grandmother never left her home after that. She died in a tiny wood-framed house next to Black Bayou of devastating loss.

Although in today’s society, we have extensive assistance for those suffering the loss of loved ones, the fact remains that military families suffer additional hurdles associated with service member deaths. Not only are additional hurdles present at time of loss; they prevail daily. Danger lurks by virtue of the service member’s purpose. These facts weigh heavily upon military service members and their families.

Although the US government has designated multiple days of honor for military service members, there are two in particular that American’s observe. The first day of commemoration is Memorial Day. Memorial Day is a day set aside to honor and mourn military service members who have died while serving in the United States Armed Forces.

The second day of commemoration is Veterans Day, a day set aside to remember those who have served in the United States Armed Forces.

The story the woman told at the Veterans Day Commemoration event that I attended earlier this week, brought back many memories to my mind. Some of the memories were funny, some sad, and some full of thanksgiving. As we enter this season of thanksgiving, I pray that your families are well and experiencing lovely events and activities. However, as a retired military wife, I know that there are military families out there who have either lost their service member or are experiencing this holiday season without their service member home. Some may be in harm’s way on distant shores. Some may be in harm’s way stationed stateside.

No matter their location, service members suffer additional threats and dangers that the rest of the American population does not. Please remember them as we enter this holiday season, and please offer assistance to them even if you think they are doing fine. They are not fine. They are servants to our freedom; and they deserve our reverence, our respect, and our patriotism. I pray for our veterans, for their families, and for all Americans during these perilous times.

God Bless America! And, God Bless America’s Veterans.

MY TASK LIST

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 22:11:05 GMT

I woke up early this morning. My mind became occupied with my daily task list. The first task being my article. I was supposed to write it four days ago, but my daughter and her children are visiting. Therefore, my daily task list has been pushed each day to today, the last day of the workweek. Today, I must accomplish everything I was supposed to do all week.

Reflecting upon my list, I began contemplating various subjects for today’s article. I thought about the blessings of comfort promised to those who mourn. I was immediately filled with sadness as I reviewed the losses and disappointments my family has sustained this year. I was almost overcome with gloom when suddenly I thought of the comforting words I hear each week as I direct the final services for my client families.

What a blessing to hear such words each week to guide my steps as I travel through life. Words that remind me that Christ is my greatest empathizer. He suffered more than any man or woman could ever endure. “Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.”(Isaiah 53:4) Understanding that Christ has borne my grief and carried my sorrows, has made it easier for me to continue forward. I wonder, had He not carried my sorrows, how would I have survived 2020? I appreciate that He has shared my burdens of grief because I could not have borne any more than I have sustained.

I am grateful for His comfort; I relied upon it greatly this year. Without His loving embrace, I might have given up. There were moments that I thought I would. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) My reliance upon his guidance has lead me through my darkest hours. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou are with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)

Through my losses and fears, the Lord has strengthened me. He has tempered me. “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” (Isaiah 41:10)

I am grateful for the tempering of my soul. Without such blessings, I would be unable to sustain my work. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) For as I hurt, so do others who look to me for strength and assistance during their time of need. Without God’s comforts in my own needs, I would not know how to comfort others.

As families pass, one after the other, through my funeral practice, it is sometimes difficult to focus on my own needs for healing. Sometimes it is just easier to push myself aside and only think of others. The danger of doing this is that grief does not tend to itself. Eventually, it will surface. Willfully neglecting one's grief magnifies it and allows it to overtake the human soul. God has promised his assistance so that this does not happen to us. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 14:3)

He leaves us with hope, offering us an understanding of death’s limitations. “I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14) Additionally, he explains that we will rest for a time rather than forever. “The trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. …So when the corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory.” (1 Corinthians 15:52, 54)

Lastly, God reveals the end of grief, pain, and fear. “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be nor more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4) God wants to help us through our trials and loves us so deeply that he allowed his son to be crucified on our behalf. This single act of parental sacrifice trumps all the pain that I can ever imagine or endure, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

I don’t know what more God could possibly do to prepare, comfort, strengthen, and save me. He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending…that which is, and which was, and which is to come, God is the Almighty. (Revelation 1:8) Upon him rests my peace.

MAW

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 22:09:12 GMT

I served this family two years ago. Their patriarch had passed. He and his wife had divorced prior to his death and she had remarried. Today I met with their daughter. Now, her mother has passed. It was not her eldest daughter sitting with me reviewing the details of her mother’s life, but she was the strongest daughter of three. The second husband was there too. He was visibly shaken and unable to make arrangements. This task, as it had once before, fell upon the youngest of her girls. She dealt with the details efficiently. Her heart was broken, yet she held her emotions.

At interment, a granddaughter stood and offered words of comfort. Her “Maw” had been “Maw” to so many. She wondered where she and the others would now turn. Who would they seek when needing the insight that only decades of life temper within the soul? Who would host holidays and birthday celebrations?

As the granddaughter delivered her words, I already knew the answers to her questions. The decedent’s youngest daughter, now a grandmother herself, would take on the title of “Maw” within their family circle. She has the wisdom, the insight into life’s trials, and unlimited love for all of the family members. She willingly assists each of them as they suffer their losses. As time passes, she will understand that although she is the youngest, she is the one her loved ones will seek. Initially, there may be posturing; however, as time passes, her sisters will see the wisdom in this natural selection.

As I watched her daughters at her service, I saw the elder two wince as the younger moved into her new role. Although they may not think so now, eventually, her sisters will be glad that she, their younger sister, has taken that responsibility. She does it with grace, beauty, and love. Her parents would surely be proud of her as she maturely steps forward in her new position as “Maw, Keeper of the Family.”

THE SURVIVOR'S FINANCIAL PLIGHT

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 22:07:39 GMT

The death of one’s spouse requires infinite adjustments in one’s life. Whether one is senior or youthful, the reliance one has upon the other is mammoth. The personalities of selves; meld, and their union creates a new identity consisting of two who function as one. This joining of love and complete commitment to each other magnifies the power, ability, and motivation of their union to a never before realized invincibility. If the two remain committed through life, death brings a devastation of the soul. Engaging in philanthropic or charitable strategies will assist the survivor to heal the wounds inflicted through loss. Survivors should also consider rendering service to others, refocusing on life’s skills development, and reengaging with those who rely upon their influence. These activities will occupy and redirect the mind and assist the survivor in their quest for recovery.

As a funeral director and grief counselor, I find that many survivors of spousal loss experience not only wounds to their souls but extreme financial inaccuracies and difficulties. Many spousal survivors depend on mythical income that is not available to them.

When I was a child, I remember my grandmother managing her income, daily. She worked and invented methods to survive on very little.

She never assumed that it was anyone else’s responsibility to provide her with income, and she was an expert at maximizing usage and stretching funds.

Today, many seem to believe that the government is responsible for providing for their needs, as well as their monetary desires. The reality is that the government is not an income-producing enterprise; it is one that liberally takes according to its desires. The money divvied out by the government is money taken from someone else’s labor.

As Americans, our constitution does not only provide liberty from physical restraint but includes our right to work and enjoy the fruits of our labors. Because I was raised at the feet of a woman who believed and practiced utter self-reliance, I believe that seeking and taking hand-outs from one’s government is stealing from one’s fellow beings. Essentially, accepting government hand-outs when one is capable of self-reliance, invites, and allows the government to practice ownership over you. It also perpetuates the enslavement of the self-reliant by forcing them to carry government reliant citizens on their backs as they toil to uphold their constitutional liberties.

This social mindset places those who do not prepare themselves for self-reliance and who do not research the realities of government financial reliance (a.k.a. socialism), in a precarious financial weakness upon the death of their spouse. I have seen it so many times, and it breaks my heart to witness an unprepared surviving spouse ask me to intervene on their behalf to the government for survival funding. The reality is that asking the government to heal your catastrophic monetary miscalculations is just as likely accomplished as asking them to heal your grief-stricken soul. They do not have the capability, nor the capacity, to do either. Additionally, there is nothing a funeral director can say or do to influence the government to change their practices.

Social security benefits are funds prepaid into a government fund through the toils of working citizens that have been set aside for seniors as a retirement cushion. These funds were never intended for total reliance, however, many find themselves in this exact situation. Social security funds provide restricted returns for their investment and carry strict qualifications. One should understand that any governmental term that includes the root word “social” in it is defined as the sharing of one's fruits with others, without the donor’s consideration, justly or unjustly, according to the prevailing political attitudes. That, dear friends, is the epitome of leaving the balance of your future in the hands of ambiguously foreboding possibilities.

For clarity purposes, the Social Security Administration imposes the following restrictions on those seeking funds.

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ELIGIBILITY

The deceased worker must have credit for work covered by Social Security ranging from 1.5 to 10 years, depending upon the age at death.

WHO MAY RECEIVE BENEFITS

A widow or widower age 60 or older (50 if disabled), or at any age if caring for an entitled child who is under 16 or disabled

A divorced widow or widower age 60 or older (50 if disabled) if the marriage lasted 10 years, or if caring for an entitled child who is under 16 or disabled

Unmarried children up to 18 (19 if they are attending a primary or secondary school full- time)

Children who were disabled before reaching 22, as long as they remained disabled

Dependent parent or parents 62 or older

The Social Security Administration does issue a one-time lump-sum death benefit to certain survivors.

WHO MAY QUALIFY FOR LUMP-SUM BENEFIT

A surviving spouse who lived in the same household as the deceased person at the time of death

A surviving spouse eligible for or entitled to benefits for the month of death

A child or children eligible for or entitled to benefits for the month of death

SURVIVORS MUST APPLY FOR BENEFITS

Survivors must apply in order to receive benefits at any Social Security office, or apply by telephone at 1-800-772-1213, or apply online at www.ssa.gov. Just dial the toll-free number 1-800-772-1213 and the operator will schedule an appointment for you or arrange for the local Social Security office to take your claim by telephone.

CONTACT SOCIAL SECURITY

You may contact the Social Security Administration toll-free, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day at 1-800-772-1213.

To speak with a representative, call between the hours of 7:00 am and 7:00 pm on regular business days. At other times and on weekends and holidays, you may leave a message and they will call you back, in most cases, the next business day.

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Unfortunately, many US citizens who survive their spouses believe that the Social Security Administration will forward them an income based solely upon the fact that they have become widowed. This is not the case. You and your decedent must meet certain criteria for you to be eligible to receive funds.

Hopefully, this article will help you understand the imposed qualifications to receive social security funding. My personal suggestion is that if you are relying upon social security funds, that you go the www.ssa.gov, confirm your qualification status, and calculate your possible benefits.

Doing so before you find yourself in a situation that leaves you monetarily vulnerable may assist you in preparing a more realistic and sound financial future.

THE COST OF A SOUL

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 22:05:25 GMT

I addressed the family, as I often do, at the close of their service. We had been there four times before, burying members of their family. Today was a beautiful fall afternoon.

The last time we had traveled to their cemetery, the weather had been quite different. The wind was whipping, the rain was torrential, the temperature was unusually bitter, and the grave flooded over its banks. We pumped and pumped, but no matter what, we could not drain the grave. It turned out that there was a natural spring running just below the plot. It was a battle that could not be won.

This family is special to me. I met them just after I returned home to open my business. They are sweet people, kind people, the sort of people who will take their last crust of bread and give it to someone who is hungry and down of their luck. The sort of people who used to be numerous across our country, but in more recent times, seem fewer and fewer.

Working in my business, kindness is a much sought after commodity. My grandmother always used to tell me, “It costs nothing to be kind, but to be unkind costs your soul.” I wonder if people realize the cost of a soul. Sometimes, I wonder if most people understand what their soul is, what its value is. I think that a person who has lost his/her soul would tell you that a soul is priceless.

That’s what I think, that a soul is priceless. That’s what I see in my work. Persons who have lost their souls due to unkind behavior or actions toward another, are persons who can barely bare their burdens. They writhe in anguish over past offenses toward others, especially toward their dead. The problem is that a moment ago there was something they could have done to repair their deeds. Now, their loved one is gone and they can’t correct their actions. Within a twinkling of an eye, all is changed. They have gone from arrogant, callous, and rude, to pitiful, broken, and lost. Some are repentant, some are not. The problem is that repentance toward another requires restitution. Once someone has died, how can there be restitution.

Fortunately for us, the Savior suffered our restitutions when he took upon him the sins of the world. Repentance and forgiveness are only available through Christ’s redeeming grace. Some may say that you must simply accept Christ into your heart to be saved. In my daily work, I see that it takes more than that.

A person who simply says that they accept Christ has done nothing to rectify their evil deeds. In my heart, I believe it takes more than words. I believe it takes a change not only of heart, but in deeds. One must pattern themselves after Christ to draw nearer to Him. I believe it takes a change of heart, a change of intent, a change of action, and a change of soul.

The decedent’s daughter could not bring herself to attend her mother’s funeral. As an adult, her behavior toward her mother had been less than kind. As her mother lay dead in my parlor and the pastor began to ready himself to begin the services, I called a halt. One daughter had left to plead with her sister to come to their mother’s funeral. I was not going to allow both daughters to miss their final moments with the woman who had loved them more than life itself.

As the congregation sat quietly in their seats one of the daughters returned. She reported that her sister would not be coaxed into coming to their mother’s funeral.

The service began. One daughter sat there alone on the front row, no one beside her to console her through the worst day of her life. But, what about her sister? The sister who couldn’t find it in her power to overcome her deeds toward their mother. That daughter was sitting home all alone, living out the terrible moments of her life, and remembering her unkind behavior toward her departed mother. That daughter, sitting alone at home without any support from anyone, was in danger of losing her soul.

My prayer is that the daughter who could not bear to be at her mother’s funeral will find a way back to happiness. You see, her battle, unlike our battle against the creek flooding the grave, is a battle that can be won. All she has to do is change her ways.

I hold hope in my heart that she will not lose herself to her anguish. I hope that she will seek the Savior’s grace and pattern her life into something kinder. In doing so, she will reclaim her peace and live her life free from soul-crushing anguish. At that juncture, she will be able to live in peace as her mother rests in peace.

“It costs nothing to be kind, but to be unkind costs your soul.” (Amma Zylks Harville, 1913 – 1999)

FORTUNE FROM MISFORTUNE

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 06 Nov 2020 22:03:09 GMT

We became friends six years ago upon the death of her husband. I had met her before, but when I entered the hospital room to transfer her husband to my funeral home, I saw her under pressure. It was then that I knew I liked and respected her.

In years past, she had been a nurse; a military nurse. That meant she was strictly business, no drama. I admire and like that in a person; military service and no drama. Both show great moral integrity.

She was fierce in defense of her deceased husband. The hospital staff’s aftercare toward them both seemed poorly executed juxtaposed against her exemplary standards. She wasn’t having it and she was snapping that staff into shipshape operations.

I must admit, I was impressed. She held her own, and in customary military nurse fashion, under the stress, sadness, and confusion of losing her spouse, she commanded respect and honor toward her loved one. Even though she was tiny in stature, she excelled head and shoulders above everyone else in the hospital that day. She also put me on notice that she had high expectations for the services that my funeral home would be providing. Although I sensed she was a little shaky under her strong and organized composure, she was indeed brilliant in a moment when most people crumble and fall apart.

Three years ago my friend remarried. It turns out that she married a friend of my husband. A few days ago, we (my husband and I) received an invitation to her birthday party. As we prepared a birthday gift, we shopped for things that we thought she might enjoy. Once we put the items together, although a very thoughtful gift for others, it seemed to lack something for this very special lady. I lamented over it for days, and at last, the morning of her party, I realized what I could give my friend that would express my love and admiration for her.

I went into my office, selected a beautiful archival paper, and printed out an article that I had written three years earlier about her wedding. I framed it and tucked it into the gift bag.

My husband and I jumped into his tiny sports car to travel to her home. As we arrived, her family was preparing a shrimp boil out under the tall shade trees dappling her hillside property. Her husband had constructed a dance floor beside her serene pond, and the breeze softly blew offering a fresh and comfortable temperature to a fall afternoon in East Texas. I could hear birds singing, horses neighing, and fish jumping. It was a beautiful afternoon, well spent with treasured friends.

As her guests prepared to eat, my friend shared her life’s story with us. She grew up in Iowa, where she and her six siblings had been placed in an orphanage. Four of the siblings were adopted by one family; however, they endured separation from the other three for half a century.

Last month, my husband and I, watched a documentary on the “Orphan Trains.” From 1854 to 1929, a network of “orphan trains” relocated as many as 300,000 children from east coast orphanages from cities like Boston and New York City to at least 39 of the states. Approximately 8,000 to 10,000 of these needy children were brought to Iowa to live with both farmers and town residents. (https://www.darcymaulsby.com/blog/iowas-orphan-train-heritage/#:~:text=From%201854%20to%201929%2C%20a,both%20farmers%20and%20town%20residents.) The orphan trains were organized and overseen by nuns and priests. It was an amazing movement put forward to provide for starving and abandoned children during a time when our country and its citizens were poor and suffering. Her adopting parents were store keepers.

Throughout her life, my friend has carried five different sur names; her birth, adopted, and three married names. Her life has been filled with tragedy and instability. Amazingly, through it all, she has found strength, integrity, fortitude, and above all else, abiding love.

As I watched she and her husband take to the dance floor, my heart was moved, and a tear trickled down my cheek. My dear friend, so strong and filled with virtue, began life suffering the deepest and darkest struggles imposed upon children; abandonment, starvation, and goodness knows what else. Now she is cherished, loved, and admired by her husband and friends.

Her previous struggles still haunt her, I can see it just under her layer of composure. Her soul; however, has found solace and is comforted. It mirrors the peace found in the nature surrounding her home. Above all else, my friend has found pure love. She is blessed with the dedication of a man of honor who loves her more than life itself.

Out of misfortune; true fortune is found. May God bless my friend and her devoted husband, he and she have found their deserved joy. When my friend read the article I had written about her wedding, she wanted to show me a painting of her and her husband in their home. The words, “Together Forever” are painted across the bottom of the portrait. She said those words mean something to her; and she thought they would mean something to me too. She was right.

I believe she and her husband will be together forever. I believe their love transcends time and that it will remain with them beyond death. I believe they are eternal companions, enjoying pure love through their holy union as husband and wife, and I believe that God, in his infinite wisdom, has put into place a means whereby they may continue to experience eternity basking in their joy, together as an eternal family.

I believe from the deepest depth of my soul that families are forever, and I hope that you, during the course of your life, will experience pure love. When you do, I hope that you will believe, and seek the blessings of an eternal family too.

Cremation Process Timetable

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 18:01:00 GMT

With the increased demand for cremation services in America, I have received numerous inquiries for information about what happens to the human corps as it experiences the process.

Disclaimer

This article may be considered a little graphic. It will explain the process that a deceased human body passes through as the cremation process is imposed upon them. If you feel that this may be more information than you would like to have, please do not read this article.

When cremation is chosen for a decedent, the family must decide if they want the body to be present at their services or whether they would prefer that the decedent goes straight to the crematory. If they decide to have the decedent at the services, the body must be embalmed and placed in a casket. If the decedent is not going to be viewed or if it will not be at the services, the body can be cremated in an alternative container.

Alternative containers are generally constructed of pine, plywood, cardboard, or a combination of these materials. They are unfinished and burn nicely into ash. They are also priced substantially lower than a traditional casket.

Jewelry and medical devices must be removed before the body is placed into the retort (incinerator) for cremation. Medical devices have batteries that explode, prosthetics melt into a sticky goo, and silicone implants melt into blobs that must be scraped out. These consequences potentially endanger the team, slow their workflow, and lower their productivity. The body is then tagged with a metal disc and paperwork follows the body throughout the process.

The retort is constructed of two chambers. The primary chamber is for the body. The inferno is lined with brick and concrete. This is the chamber where soft tissues incinerate and vaporize into brittle bone and ash. The secondary chamber neutralizes noxious odors, gasses, and particles before they are released into the atmosphere.

The cremation process generally takes two hours. During this time, the body goes through intense changes approximately every ten minutes.

FIRST HOUR

10 Minutes

At ten minutes of incineration, the muscles, skin, organs, and fat begin to char, sizzle, and shrink.

If cremation takes place before the muscles enter the stages of decomposition, limbs may contract, hands may fist up, and the arms may come toward the chest into a boxing or fetal position. The body does not sit straight up as commonly assumed. It may be that the tight confines of the retort restrict the body from doing so.

20 Minutes

At twenty minutes, most of the soft tissue is now burnt off of the face. The ribs begin to show, and the abdominal and thoracic region begin spewing jets of liquid from tears in the body cavity. This is caused by bodily liquids aggressively evaporating. The abdominal organs dehydrate and shrink.

30 Minutes

At thirty minutes of intense heat, the calvaria (skull cap) begins to separate from the rest of the skull. Boiling liquid begins pouring out from the fractures. Facial bones are mostly void of all tissue. The bones of the chest are mostly exposed with ribs bending inward and outward. The abdominal organs continue to shrink, and the arms and legs are mostly free of soft tissue; they may also be completely consumed by flames.

40 Minutes

At forty minutes the calvaria will have completely dislodged from the head exposing a blackened (charred) brain. The facial bones are mostly disintegrated. The ribs will be entirely exposed. At this point, they will be bending and severely twisting. The abdominal organs will now look like blackened sponges, and the lower parts of the arms will be mostly gone.

50 Minutes

At fifty minutes the remains of the abdominal organs are shriveled and spongy. The thighs are burnt into stumps. The arms are mostly gone. It is at this point that we see the spinal column is coming apart.

60 Minutes

At sixty minutes, what is left of the torso now breaks apart. The skull is nothing more than bone fragments. All internal organs are now ash, and the pelvis is consumed by flames. At this juncture of time, the gasses and particulate transfer into the secondary chamber where they are exposed to 1,700 degrees Fahrenheit. At this extreme temperature, smoke, gasses, odor, and emissions are neutralized as the cremation progresses to its conclusion.

SECOND HOUR

At the conclusion of the cremation process, the cremains are allowed to cool. They are then scraped and swept into a metal box. The average cremated human body produces approximately three to seven pounds of inorganic bone fragments and ash.

After the ashes have cooled, a powerful magnet will be passed over the remains to pull out any metal. The remaining body densities are pulverized. They are ground into scaly ash with fragments of bone and teeth remaining.

The cremains are then collected and placed in a plastic bag. The bag is secured in a plastic box and returned to the funeral home. At this time, the family must decide how to preserve and protect the cremains.

Final disposition may consist of sprinkling a loved one’s cremains over a chosen spot with meaning to the family or the decedent. Perhaps they may decide to urn their cremains and house them at home. Cremains may also be buried in a grave or released into a body of water. There are, of course, regulations that must be observed with burying, sprinkling, or releasing cremains into water. Your funeral home professionals can help you with whatever information you need to properly place cremains into their final disposition of peace and rest.

As a funeral professional, it is my recommendation that whatever your chosen method of final disposition may be, that you place a memorial stone in a bonafide cemetery with the vital information of your loved one inscribed upon it. I have seen all too often that someone comes to the funeral home asking for cremains to be identified. Unfortunately, unless the urn or container has been engraved, the funeral home has no way to make an identification. I have also witnessed families who have lost a loved one’s cremains during a move, transfer of custody, or other activity. After a generation or so, without proper memorial markers, the loved one is forgotten. Please take this under consideration when you cremate your loved ones.

Cremation Options 1

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 17:59:26 GMT

When a family chooses to cremate their loved one, they are faced with just as many questions and decisions as those who choose to bury. All of the legal requirements surrounding the end of a human life still apply and whoever is next of kin must address these legalities in a timely and orderly manner. The loved ones of the deceased must also make decisions related to disposition. The most customary choices are earth burial or cremation.

If cremation is chosen, the next of kin must decipher the needs of the circle of mourners and arrange the most efficacious service elements relative to their recovery. Some families are widespread and do not need a formal selection of service options traditionally associated with death, some; however, do. Additionally, there will be families that fit somewhere in the middle, who will pick and choose certain services while foregoing others.

Just as with burial, there are limitless service options available to cremation families. Most families will select from one of three traditional cremation service options; however, there are those who march to a different drummer, who may creatively design a service unlike any other.

The three most common cremation services selected by American families are as follows:

Traditional Cremation Service

A Traditional Cremation Service is suited for families who desire the traditional services associated with American deaths, however, desire to impose a smaller impact on the environment. Therefore, their services will encompass a visitation, viewing, or wake (requiring embalming,) a chapel, sanctuary, cathedral, funeral home, or other location funeral service, a traditional casket (which can be rented for additional savings), as well as, traditional stationery items. At the conclusion of services, rather than burying their loved one’s body, they cremate. The final disposition of cremation allows the family to retain the cremains at home, sprinkle, or bury the cremains of their loved one. Even earth burial of cremains has a smaller impact on space availability than the burial of an intact human corps.

Cremation with Memorial Service

Cremation with Memorial Service is suited for families who do not want their loved one's body displayed for viewing. With this option, a funeral type service is held at a church, funeral home, or other location, however, without the decedent’s body present. This is known as a memorial service. A memorial service may be delayed until after the cremation has been accomplished so that the urned cremains may be placed at the front of the service venue; however, the memorial can commence without the cremains as well. Sometimes, in the interest of time, the family will place a representation of the decedent at the front of the service. Items such as a large portrait, items of meaning, or even an empty urn are chosen for this purpose. In this type of service, if the cremains are present, the family may choose to travel to the cemetery at its conclusion to bury or sprinkle the cremains in the final resting place.

Direct Cremation

Direct Cremation is usually chosen in cases of indigent, pauper, or persons without living relatives or friends. It is an option without any type of commemoration or memorialization services. This type of service is not generally chosen by families as it does not offer healing services or opportunities for the living. This option is considerably lower in cost than any other.

As cremation becomes ever more popular, consumers are realizing a rise in its cost. This is largely due to the regulations and requirements placed upon funeral homes and their directors through state legislation and the Federal Trade Commission. As earth burial ceases to be the primary service option for Americans, cremation will see additional regulations, requirements, and restrictions come into play. As the funeral profession must continue maintaining mandated properties and equipment, incorporate additional requirements related to the increasing number of cremation cases, and invest in new equipment to accommodate consumer movement, the cost to consumers will be reflected in their service options.

With fewer families observing traditional means of memorialization and in the interest of legacy, history, and genealogy, I recommend that a memorial marker of granite, other stone, or metal be placed in a bonafide cemetery with the appropriate vital information for each cremated loved one. I fear that after a generation or two of human remains being misplaced, misidentified, forgotten, or sprinkled in nondescript places across the globe, that the cremains and vital information of our loved ones will be lost to future generations if this important step is omitted.

The loss of one’s heritage is the loss of one’s identity.

John was Love

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 17:55:29 GMT

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans.

Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love.

I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union.

Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street?

I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.”

Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred.

Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love.

Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate.

Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred.

In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives.

Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country.

I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.”

At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences.

In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery.

I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend.

Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place.

John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone.

I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people.

John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him.

May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent.

Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

Guilt

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 17:53:51 GMT

I first met my friend when her husband passed away. It was a difficult time for her. I received the call that a man had passed at his home and that our services were requested by the family. My husband drove our hearse to the address and transferred the decedent back to our funeral home.

The decedent’s wife came in to make final arrangements and that is when our friendship began. Her recovery was difficult. She missed her husband and life was difficult for her. At that time, her grandmother was ill and she knew that she would pass away in the not so distant future.

That was the second service that I did for my friend. Again, her recovery was difficult. She had cared for her grandmother as she had aged, and losing her was extremely painful.

Several years have passed and early this morning, I received a call from the sheriff’s department. Our services were needed as there had been an accidental drowning at a lake near our home. A few moments later, my friend called. Her fiancé had drowned.

I will meet with my friend tomorrow to set about finalizing arrangements for her loved one. We just spoke on the phone a few moments ago. I hear the strain in her voice and feel the pain in her soul. We briefly spoke about recovery. She is already suffering emotions that will cause serious complications for her.

Grief Brief 25

GUILT

Guilt is common among survivors.

Usually, guilt is equated to something that did or did not transpire in connection to the death.

Guilt is generally irrational and dissipates itself through reality adjustments.

If guilt is justifiably connected to the death, intervention counseling should be engaged as soon as possible. (Mourning Light, 2016)

While speaking with my friend, I asked her if she were feeling guilt in connection to her fiancé’s death. She admitted that she was.

Guilt in connection to drowning is very common. Often the survivor barely survived the event and thereby feels guilt at being alive.

This is an irrational guilt reaction and it should resolve itself as time passes. The survivor's understanding should adjust to a more realistic understanding and acceptance of what actually happened.

A survivor of such a catastrophic event naturally questions why they have survived while their loved one did not. They may also feel as though they could have done something more to save their loved one. They often toil over the notion that they swam away from their loved one, leaving them vulnerable in a situation that caused their death. In most cases, the survivor reacted naturally to his/her survival instincts. Although there often is, there should be no blame in such a case. Families, friends, and acquaintances should understand that they have sadly lost one loved one, but that they are blessed that they did not lose two. Losing two loved ones is by far, a much more devastating event.

In this situation, not only must the survivor adjust to the reality of surviving, so too must others who harbor animosity, or who might display aggression toward the survivor. In such a case, both the survivor and the hostile family member, friend, or acquaintance are in need of grief counseling. If their issues remain unattended, dangerous confrontations may materialize. The survivor may also experience extreme psychological complications leading to contemplated, attempted, or successful suicide. Intervention for both parties is crucial.

If you know of someone who is a survivor of a drowning event, please offer them your support. Should their recovery not adjust itself to a realistic understanding of the events, please seek professional intervention for them. If their feelings of guilt and anguish are left unattended, you may find that you are burying a loved one that was once a survivor, but who is now a victim of self-inflicted demise.

Suicide is very real and very preventable. Please do all that you can to assist those who suffer this preventable destruction. Although it may seem simple, one of the greatest things you can do for someone who is hopeless is to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255. If your loved one is in an imminent or emergent situation, immediately call 911. First responders will arrive and assist your loved one with lifesaving intervention. Giving life and saving life are the greatest gifts one human being can offer another.

I will meet with my friend tomorrow. I will offer my condolences. I will also offer my assistance to promote healthy recovery. Over the next 12 months, I will be on the lookout for any display of hopelessness in her countenance. Should I feel at any time that she is vulnerable to suicide, I will immediately offer to help her call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, assist her through grief counseling, or in dire circumstances, immediately dial 911. She deserves that. She is a survivor of multiple difficult deaths. She needs someone looking out for her during this difficult time in her life.

Mikey Joe 25 - New Hope

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 17:51:22 GMT

With 2020 being the worst year ever in most living adult’s lives, we have finally found new hope in our family. Our daughter is expecting a new arrival. My husband and I could not be happier for her.

Two years ago, our daughter lost our sweet grandson, Mikey Joe, while living in Hawaii. The loss was devastating to our family and remains ever painful in our hearts. Of course, as with all pregnancies, there are concerns. However, with this pregnancy, the pregnancy following one of loss, the concern is heightened.

We worry about her health, the baby’s health, the anticipation felt by our son-in-law and grandchildren, what affect COVID-19 might impose, and the statistics of repeat miscarriage. We hope that complications will not surface.

We are praying for a healthy delivery.

Do Children Worry

When their brother passed, my granddaughter was about sixteen months old, and my grandson was only three. Now that their mother is expecting, my grandson is five, and my granddaughter is three.

My grandchildren are very concerned about their mother and the baby’s health. They bring her food and ask her to sit down and eat so that the baby will be healthy. They bring her glasses of water because they do not want the baby to become dehydrated. They are cautious not to bump her tummy and insist that she rest from household chores.

Their concern is genuine and foremost in their minds.

They do not want their new sibling to experience death as did their brother, Mikey Joe. They do not want their mother to be devastated with another loss as she was two years ago. Rather, they yearn to meet, hold, and kiss their new baby as they grow up loving and enjoying each other.

Extended Family Concerns

Their concerns are also my concerns. I know that my daughter, as well as the rest our family, would be devastated if she were to lose another child. I also know that with her history, the possibility of another miscarriage is heightened. That frightens me.

Although my daughter is only five weeks along, she and her husband have proudly announced their anticipated arrival. With Mikey Joe, they held her joyous condition in secret for a big reveal event. Unfortunately, the day they revealed her pregnancy was also the day my grandson's life was lost. The devastation of losing her son was compounded by the fact that she had not built a support structure of family and friends for her time of need.

While being induced for silent delivery, my daughter was informing gleeful well-wishers that she was in the midst of crisis. She and my son-in-law had to post a death announcement the same day they posted their reveal announcement. The day was horrifying for all of us, but most of all, for my daughter and son-in-law as they faced the reality of delivering a lifeless son and leaving the hospital with empty arms.

I will never forget the pain that I suffered that day. That pain continues to tear my heart out of my chest. Witnessing the loss of my beloved grandson, and the anguish of his parents, nearly caused my own death. I hope we do not experience such an event ever again.

My daughter will do all that she can to ensure the health and safety of our tiny grandchild shielded within her womb. Her husband and children will do the same. My husband and I are praying for them during this most blessed and delicate time of life.

New Hope

Our hope is renewed with the glorious news that our family is growing. We are blessed indeed beyond our prayerful pleas. Please join us in prayer as our great nation struggles for peace, civility, and the return of citizenry sanity; the world at large as it struggles for economic and health recovery; my sweet daughter and son-in-law as they face the fears and risks of pregnancy after miscarriage; and my young grandchildren as they suffer their worries for the healthy delivery of their new sibling.

Dearest Father above,

The world needs glorious hope, respectful hearts, acts of kindness, and divine intervention. Bless us with Thy presence and preserve us from the evil destruction engulfing our surroundings.

For these and all other blessing in which we stand in need, in the name of Thy beloved Son, Jesus Christ, I humbly and most fervently pray. Amen.

Grief Recovery Made Simple

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 17:48:26 GMT

As a funeral director and grief counselor, I am asked almost daily, how does one overcome grief. The answer to this question may seem complex, however, it is quite simple. Of course, simplicity does not indicate easy or rapid results.

It should be noted that recovery from losing a loved one is unlike any other, for that which causes our grief is precisely our remedy. When one loses the object of their affection, the happiness within their heart vaporizes and is filled with sadness, loneliness, and pain. Should that affection develop more profoundly into love, upon death’s arrival, the joyous euphoria held deeply within the soul will disappear. At that point, isolation, fear, denial, and all manner of insecurities attack the survivor, and if unchecked, are capable of strangling away one’s life.

In contrast, when a person falls ill, their desire for recovery is to overcome their illness and never experience it again. An example would be influenza. If you suffer a repeated propensity toward influenza, to ward off the ravaging beast, you might consider a flu shot at the beginning of each flu season. You might also wash your hands as the opportunity presents itself, and you might wholeheartedly avoid others who are ill with the influenza virus.

Consider financial recovery. When one has suffered a financial setback, recovery can be long, painful, and expensive. Although the sufferer may seek to replenish his resources, he will most likely avoid treading the treacherous waters that originally led him to bankruptcy. So follows the pattern in basically all avenues of loss. However, as previously mentioned, in the experience of the deepest grief known to mankind, the most devastating loss of all, we must continue to crave, seek, and satisfy that which has led us there; our undeniable need for love.

The recovery that we seek is often misunderstood. We think we must concern ourselves with recovering our abilities to function in our daily tasks and responsibilities. Indeed, one must be able to sustain one’s life through these obligations; however, doing so, only sustains physical life. These tasks and their responsibilities are easily accomplished on our behalf by any trustworthy friend. They are not tasks that will provide our recovery. Indeed, if we properly understand and focus on our recovery remedy, these daily tasks will return to us without much effort at all.

To obtain recovery from grief, one must reinvest into the very object that caused their grief initially. One must fill the void of lost love with more love. We mourn what we have lost - our loved one. We must now bestow and in turn collect that love from someone else.

One must also understand the nature of love. Even when the decedent is our spouse or significant other, the love lost is not romantic love; it is true love. Romantic love is merely an invitation to discover true love. True love develops deep within the folds of time, sacrifice, and experience. It is a deeper understanding that surpasses the heart and infiltrates the soul. True love then is the love that must be replenished. It is the most cherished, most elusive, most sought after, most misunderstood, and most difficult love to find, or is it?

Romantic love is based on fantasy, physical attraction, and mystery. These attributes, while exciting, are not virtuous and thereby render romantic love as fleeting as expelled breath. True love is charitable, eternal, and in many cases pre-existing. Unlike romantic love, true love will remain with you forever, even after your loved one is gone.

Is there a way to purposefully develop true love without failure? I present to you that indeed there is. I have often heard the phrase, “You can’t help who you love.” In my opinion this a false statement. In the art of choosing your life’s partner, it implies an irresponsibility of intentional action in the most important decision of one’s life. You may not be able to choose romantic attraction, however, one can always choose to walk away from a romance gone awry. Likewise, one may choose to nurture and develop true love when conditions present a favorable forecast conducive to future goals. One must simply define, focus, understand, and remain steadfast and uncompromising within the undeniable parameters set forth in developing true love.

I understand that those definitions do not line up with the general acceptance of “falling in love,” however, one should not fall into one’s future; one should pertinaciously create, cultivate, and maintain his or her future. And remember, we are not talking about romantic love. Romantic love does not bring grief recovery, it merely perpetuates it should the object of your affections prove unworthy of your devotion. We are seeking true love, abiding love; love that comforts, consoles, and saves the soul.

True love does not require a romantic interest at all. Parents and grandparents are prime examples of true love bestowed upon those lacking romantic possibilities. They fervently cherish, adore, and purely love their children and grandchildren unconditionally.

True love already resides within our beings. To experience it, however, we must awaken it. To awaken it, we must share it. True love is pure love. It is unselfish, unconditional, and graciously bestowed within our souls through God’s glorious nature. We must, therefore, familiarize ourselves with God’s nature to be successful in our quest for true love, a.k.a. pure love, or grief recovery’s elixir.

The Simplicity of Awakening True Love

To receive pure love, one must share pure love. The adages, “It is better to give than to receive,” and, “The more you give, the more you receive,” are truly applicable in this situation. In order to receive pure love, you must first give pure love. You must open your soul to receive God’s love and the love of those around you.

How do we develop this love we so desperately need and seek? The answer to that question is as simple as the knowledge of the remedy. Christ taught us during his life’s mission that “Charity never fails.” What then is charity?

Charity is the pure love of Christ. We must develop (as much as humanly possible) the pure or selfless nature of Christ in order to open our souls and receive our recovery. To give up our selfish natures and to serve others without expectations of payment or reciprocation are the only sure ways to develop pure love. Through service, we shift our inward focus outwardly. In doing so, our troubles are washed away as we wash away the troubles of others. Through sacrifice, pure love swells. This swelling fills the void created through lost love, redirects our focus away from our pain, overtakes our suffering, and eradicates the experience of grief.

The pains and risks of grief are eradicated through the simple act of serving others. True love is developed through charity and purity, it relieves our souls from the anguish lost love has created and offers us life and love renewed. Knowing these things, why wouldn’t every broken heart and suffering soul begin selfless service straight away? It is because self-absorption and self-pity are our nature. We must walk away from the nature of man and seek the nature of Christ. In doing so, we will receive pure love within our souls; grief recovery’s elixir.

MISSING MICHAEL

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 18:40:32 GMT

Today is a weepy day for me. The clock has not yet struck noon and tears have already touched my cheeks numerous times. My daughter and her children have now left Texas. They have arrived at their new home in our nation’s capital. She and my grandchildren were reunited with my son-in-law after a five-month coronavirus imposed separation. I am so happy for them, yet my heart misses them immensely. My husband is there with them. He traveled there to help them get everything properly settled. They have been gone for nearly a week. My husband will fly home tonight. I will drive up to the Texarkana Airport after work and we will go out to dinner before returning home. I can’t wait to see him. I have really missed him.

Being alone this past week has presented a unique opportunity for me to contemplate many things. Not the least of which has been that of being alone. I have thought of the time my mother has spent over the past 35 years by herself. Although she is not a widow, my father has chosen to spend his time elsewhere. My mother has chosen to spend her time alone. She has suffered greatly because of her decision. Her health physically and mentally has deteriorated at warp speed. Her cognitive skills and quality of life are significantly diminished and her children worry that her life span has been shortened due to her great heartache.

Likewise, my son-in-law suffered greatly during the five months of quarantine imposed upon him through his military transfer freeze. During that time, his household goods were taken away from him, yet he was mandated to remain within the confines of an empty house. His children and wife could not survive without furniture, pots and pans, clothing, or food, so my husband and I brought them to Texas to stay with us. Unfortunately, as Hawaii was under total lockdown, my son-in-law remained alone, without even a TV for entertainment for five months. In my opinion, being locked down under such circumstances, without companionship, entertainment, nor any other type of stimulation, can cause health risks as well.

I have been home by myself since Sunday. Today is Thursday. I have had my i-pad, my i-phone, six open funeral cases, my funeral home staff, my smart TV, and my lap poodle to keep me company. These past five days have seemed like an eternity of emptiness to me. My appetite has suffered, of course, that is a positive, but everything that brings me joy is suspended. At night, after everyone has gone home, I sit by myself, wondering what to do. I have no one to chat with, no one to laugh with, no one to interact with. I have contemplated this extensively and I have realized that to me, what matters in life, are the people I love, not the things around me. I don’t care about expensive cars or clothes. I don’t care about going out to expensive restaurants, or the theatre. I don’t need an expensive vacation at a theme park, to fly over to Europe, or go to the beach. What I need are my family and a few close friends. That’s it for me.

So what do I do if I come to a place in life where I’m alone for more than five days? What if I find that I have to keep myself company for five months, or heaven forbid, thirty-five years like my mother? I don’t know that I could survive that.

I have friends who are widows. Some of them have been alone between five months and five years. Others, between five years and thirty-five years. Some are beyond that mark. How have they survived? How have they adapted?

It is interesting. I have spoken with many of my widowed friends. Each of them says the same thing to me when I ask them about this. They say that they don’t want to go through life single and alone; neither do they want to remarry. It seems that they feel that remarrying would disrespect their original marriage, however, they understand that to not be alone, they need to remarry. It seems a catch twenty-two and as time goes by, remarriage never materializes for them. Each has filled their lives with activities for assisting others; mainly those in need, their children, or their grandchildren, also volunteering. Nothing at all wrong with that. If you think about it, that’s sort of what we do as a married couple as we age. Our lives move toward assisting others, or spending time with others once we retire. Mainly, because we have extra time on our hands. We spend time with our children and grandchildren, helping out at the rec centers in our neighborhoods, or church, volunteering at the hospitals, nursing homes, senior centers, or at other places. Life has its patterns whether we are married or single. I, for one, prefer it being married.

It is important to realize that when we are faced with time alone, especially when it is going to be a permanent or potentially permanent situation, we need to make accommodations for it. To successfully adjust to solitude or grief, we must give of ourselves. We must serve others. We cannot sit night after night watching TV or surfing our i-pads or smartphones for entertainment. Fulfillment is not obtained through the things we buy or do for ourselves, it is received by doing things and giving of ourselves to others.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.

Please follow me on Instagram at "PushingUpDaisies_TracyLee".

Heather's Call

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 22:09:58 GMT

My youngest daughter called me this morning. She had just returned home to her apartment from work. She works the overnight shift as an operator/dispatcher for an emergency assistance service.

As she was preparing to end her shift, her phone rang. She decided to go ahead and answer it as her replacement needed just a few more moments to ready herself, before sliding into the seat to take over. The call turned out to be particularly difficult.

An elderly gentleman was asking for help on the other end of the line. His wife was not breathing, her skin was cold, and there was no pulse. Emergency services were dispatched, however, the situation was hopeless. His wife’s life had escaped her and would not return. He was devastated.

As part of my daughter’s duties, she is obligated to notify certain other persons attached to her client’s file. The persons listed to notify were the couple’s adult children. My daughter was now faced with the daunting tasks of waking a number of unsuspecting adults and notifying them that an emergency had occurred with negative results at their parent’s home. Upon notification, each of the adult children pressed for additional information. My sweet daughter was forced to inform them of their mother’s death.

Tired, stressed, and heartbroken, my darling girl called me this morning for comfort. It is never an easy task to notify a family member of a death, but it is especially difficult to do such a task over the phone. Such notifications should be done in person so that physical and emotional support may be offered.

It was a difficult morning for my daughter, but she learned important things about herself. She learned that she has the spiritual strength to comfort those who are brokenhearted. She also learned that she can muster up the courage to deliver the worst news known to families with kindness and in a way that gently helps them to accept the reality of loss. These are things that I already knew about her, but today she learned them about herself.

I am proud of my daughter. I am thankful that she took this difficult call and that she was able to help a husband through his worst moment in life. I am grateful that she was able to assist his children in understanding their loss, and that she was able to help them realize that they must prepare themselves to help their father recover from his profound loss.

My daughter is a great woman. She is an asset to her company, and she was a comfort to a grieving family this morning. Currently, she is away at college and I miss her every moment of every day. I love her so very much, and I am so immensely proud of her. I shall visit her soon because I have not seen her for far too long.

I hope that if you have children that you will reach out to them and let them know how much they mean to you. I hope that you will express your abiding love to them and tell them that nothing is more precious than their sweet souls. After all, today could be your last day of breath, your last opportunity to express your love, or your last moment to hear their musical voices. Grab every chance you have before it slips away because death comes like a thief in the night.

Death is sad. People say they want a “Celebration of Life.” That’s all well and good, but I’m telling you right now, from my perspective, those who love you the most, whose lives will forever be changed and left with a gaping hole of loneliness once you’re gone, won’t be singing songs of celebration; they’ll be crying uncontrollable heartfelt sorrow. Do them and yourself a favor; reach out, and love them while you can. Not only will your life be improved today, but theirs will be fortified for the times when they’ll need it most – the time that comes to all of us, the time when we must leave those we love behind, that time which we call death.

My youngest daughter called me this morning. She had just returned home from work. She is an operator/dispatcher for an emergency assistance service. Her final call was an elderly gentleman begging for his wife’s life. With sobs of sorrow and a gaping, painful wound to his soul, he realized she was already gone, she was dead.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog .

The Temperature's Rising

Wed, 15 Jul 2020 20:17:56 GMT

As we enter the summer months, the weather begins to invite us outdoors. Families and friends having fun in the sun can be seen far and wide. The fragrance of sunscreen has returned to the air, and peals of laughter from children playing games reach my ears. Summer promises to be a much sought after break from the recent quarantine we have all undergone.

I, for one, am anxious to be done with quarantine. I am sure you are too. I do, however, want to offer a word of caution as we begin our summer season. Most of us have been shut in for quite some time. It is possible that our mental health, as well as our physical health, has deteriorated. For several months, we have sat indoors with temperature controlled forced air blowing incessantly upon us. Most of us have experienced very little sunlight beaming down, kissing our skin, and producing the much-needed vitamin D we all need so desperately.

Returning outdoors, breathing fresh air, and reclaiming movement will be good for our bodies, minds, and souls. One should be aware, however, that there are times when reclamation is best taken in baby steps. Already, as the temperature begins to climb, and more families choose graveside services to enjoy being out in the fresh air, I have noticed a substantial increase in the signs and symptoms of heat exhaustion and stroke. Profuse sweating, fainting, and dehydration are making their appearances in the cemeteries early this year.

As a funeral director, I implore you to be very aware that although you may be excited to be outside again, the consequences of failing to reacquaint yourself with summer elements and physical exertion, in a controlled and cautious manner, have the potential to be very dangerous. At the beginning of quarantine, you may have been in top-notch shape. You may have even worked out daily during the entire time. Nevertheless, the fact remains that even under the best of conditioning you have remained sheltered from the elements. Reintroduction into the elements should be approached with caution and prudence.

Please do not be the next person lying on my embalming table, or next set of cremains that I must hand over to a grieving family simply because you were overly anxious to be back outside again. Take the necessary precautions to protect your health and your life. Keep yourself well hydrated, stand, or sit in the shade, wear loose lightweight clothing, and just so you know, there is nothing wrong with a makeshift paper fan to keep yourself cool. Observing these simple suggestions, and a few best practices may just keep you healthy enough to survive the summer and several more to come.

As you enjoy your time in the sun, please remember these words from me to you.

“You are important, and even though I may not know you, your life matters to me, and most certainly to those who know and love you. Moreover, whether you believe it or not, there is a funeral director nearby who would much rather see you standing vertically, enjoying your summer, rather than lying horizontally (with cold skin) on their embalming table.

Please, keep yourself and those about you healthy and happy through summer vacation 2020. Thank goodness it is finally here. I hope you, and those whom you love, enjoy the precious gifts of fresh air, sunlight, and summer fun!"

God Bless each and every one of us.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.

Please follow me on Instagram at "PushingUpDaisies_TracyLee".

SOONER IS NOT BETTER THAN LATER

Wed, 15 Jul 2020 20:17:54 GMT

I buried a young woman this morning. Her fiancé stood beside me. He was heartbroken. He could not understand why she had died so young.

It has long been my belief that we choose our manner of death. As I stood there beside him, I looked around the gathering of mourners.

In some, I saw choices that invite disease. In others, I saw fascinations with dangerous activities. Some of the mourners displayed attitudes of slothfulness while others acted more aggressively. The point is that we all make decisions that lead us to a place where we face the death of our choosing.

You may make the argument of accidents. In my line of work, I see very few accidental deaths. Even when one dies in an accident, he or she may have chosen to be where they were at that moment. Sometimes, however, there are accidental deaths. I have a cousin who was killed in an accident. He was at work and a man came to work who was operating heavy equipment while intoxicated. The intoxicated man hit an electrical wire which then hit my cousin and killed him. That was indeed an accidental death. My cousin had absolutely no fault in his own death. He was merely providing for his family and was killed through the ill deeds of another.

I have another cousin. She died in a drag racing accident. She was thrown from her car and hit a telephone pole headfirst. She died on impact. Of course, her death was accidental, however, she chose to participate in the dangerous activity that killed her. Had she not been drag racing, she would not have died that night. Her death was her fault.

I write this article not to be cold-hearted, but to save lives. Yesterday as I was driving home from Texarkana I saw a young man cut across three lanes of traffic on the freeway. Fortunately, and only by the grace of God, no one lost control of their vehicles. The fact remains, however, that this young man could have killed several families, including his own. I see people every day who make decisions that contribute to or eventually lead them to, their deaths. I have done it myself.

Every day that I rise I make decisions about exercise and diet. These decisions contribute to my health. Some days I decide to drive on routes that may be more dangerous than others simply because I want to go somewhere. These are choices that place my life in more danger than if I made other more prudent choices. Perhaps I choose to drive beside an eighteen-wheeler going around a curve rather than waiting until a straight away to pass it. Passing an eighteen-wheeler around a curve increases my chances of an automobile accident exponentially. An automobile accident with an eighteen-wheeler almost insures my death.

We all make choices, and whether we like to admit it or not, those choices affect not only our lives but our deaths. I hope that the next time you are faced with a choice that may have an element of danger, carelessness, or even some stupidity, that you will remember reading this article. If for a moment it causes you to pause and you choose to protect or preserve not only your life but perhaps someone else’s, it will be worth it. Because trust me when I tell you, death is no accident. It happens to all of us. The only difference is that some of us choose to let it happen sooner rather than later. And, in the case of death, for you and for those around you, sooner is not better than later.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.

Please follow me on Instagram at "PushingUpDaisies_TracyLee".

MIKEY JOE 24 - Hearts Symbolize More than Romantic Love

Wed, 15 Jul 2020 20:17:52 GMT

The heart shape is recognized the world over as a symbol of romantic love and affection. Everywhere I look I see little signs that say “I ♥ You”. The heart, however, is also filled with love that is not romantic.

Consider for a moment your love for chocolate or designer shoes. Your love for these items is not necessarily romantic or affectionate. It is more of an extreme preference that brings on the production of endorphins akin to those produced by love. Therefore, you may feel the same euphoria associated with your loved ones and develop a dependency on those items for fulfillment in place of relationships.

When my grandson, Mikey Joe, passed away two years ago, my heart was broken. Actually, everything about me was broken. His death broke my spirit, my will, my ability to function, my joy, and everything else that had ever mattered in my life. Nothing was the same and it seemed to me as though happiness would never return to me.

My daughter, Mikey Joe’s mother, adopted the heart symbol to signify the deepest love wound that her soul had ever suffered. The heart, you see, symbolized more than romantic love. It represented loves broken promise that is so painful and so sorrowful that it sometimes smothers your ability to live without extreme effort and determination every day. The pain of losing a child forces you to fight yourself from within to sustain your life. It robs your power to exist and steels your desire to continue breathing. My daughter’s wound, of course, was not one of romantic love. It was so much deeper, grander, and more profound than that. Her wound was the most abominable wound known to human beings; the loss of her living flesh and blood; the loss of her beloved son.

For two years, I have purchased every beautiful set of heart earrings, the most stunning heart pendants, and the most amazing heart bracelets that I have happened across for my daughter. Each time I have purchased them, I have thought of them as little pieces of her broken heart.

My daughter’s husband serves in our great nation’s Navy. During the COVID-19 crisis, she and her children have been in Texas with my husband and me while her husband has suffered a temporary transfer hold on his orders. During our time together, my daughter and I have had occasion to talk in-depth about our sorrows over our loss. What I have realized is that the symbol of the heart, while at first symbolized the brokenness of our lives, now represents the warmth of our recovery.

Deep in our hearts, we know that our boy lives, that he is with God, and that one day we will unite as an eternal family. The sadness of our loss unwelcomely remains with us, and I believe that it most likely will for the rest of our earthly days. However, we are now able to realize hope. We are able to breathe a sigh of relief. We are able to have good days without suffering moments of devastation. And, we are able to wear hearts for the love they represent in our lives, rather than the pain they carry in our souls. For us, that’s an improvement. That’s the return of life, the return of happiness; the return of hope, joy, and love. Currently, it’s a glimmer, but it’s growing.

So to all of you who wear and post hearts, keep on wearing and posting them. For me, they are great reminders that love returns where the world once ended, and they help me to know that my daughter and I are on the mend.

May God in his eternal wisdom bless and keep you as you journey through life, and may you never suffer the horrific loss of a child. God speed.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.

Please follow me on Instagram at "PushingUpDaisies_TracyLee".

FAMILY VIRTUES

Wed, 10 Jun 2020 19:46:52 GMT

Less than a year ago, I buried a man whose brother I buried today. My roots stem from a very poor southern family. Our poverty spanned over economic and educational deficiencies. When I was a little girl, my grandmother would always express the virtues of a certain family within our community. Today, from this family, two brothers have been buried side by side.

As a married woman, I was blessed with three wonderful daughters. So that they would understand the absolute importance of education during their youth, I enrolled myself in college to achieve my funeral service degree and credentials.

In order to organize my funeral practice and dedicate myself to its success, it was necessary for me to retire as a professional artist. I searched the entire United States for the perfect location to establish my funeral home, and surprisingly, settled on the place of my birth. Our funeral home has now been open for 10 years.

Now that my husband and I have a successful funeral practice, one might assume that I am somewhat proud of the achievement. I do not for one moment, however, think that the success of our funeral home is based solely on my merits. My husband, my children, and even extended family have all sacrificed and contributed to its success. The funeral business is a very expensive and difficult business to enter into as a startup.

As the age of retirement looms in my face, I now consider myself economically stable and satisfactorily educated. As I prepared to bury my client today, I thought back at how my grandmother respected and aspired to be as stable and virtuous as this particular family. I was perhaps a little too confident in my own merits, for as I observed their kindness and reverence toward each other, my eyes were at last opened and my heart understood the aspirations of my grandmother.

This man was the father of four daughters. He had no sons. As each of his sons-in-law participated in his final services it was clear that each of them revered him deeper than most sons do their dads. Even more so, the love and respect they bestowed toward his daughters were tender and genuine. The decedent’s influence was evident even down to his grandchildren and their special others.

My heart was filled with respect for the decedent and for his family upon witnessing their virtuous care toward each other. My eyes were opened and my soul finally understood my grandmother’s message to me so long ago. Self-reliance and education are important, but they must be paired with virtue for their full potential to be realized.

Less than a year ago, I buried a man whose brother I buried today. Their losses will impact their families with pain and grief. However, their virtue will live on as each of their descendants carry and share the respect and love they so freely passed on to them.

I am grateful for the honor of serving such a virtuous family. I am changed by witnessing their service to each other. I am also grateful for a grandmother who took the time to teach me the profound lessons that everyone needs in life, yet so few receive.

Please take the time to be with your family and pursue the development of virtues among you. Your life will be better for it, your family’s life will be better for it, and all of those who observe you will glean life’s enrichment from it. Families are forever, of that I am sure. Today, I have learned another truism. “Virtues are essential and they too last forever.”

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.

Please follow me on Instagram at "PushingUpDaisies_TracyLee".

MIKEY JOE 23 - ANOTHER CHILD LOST

Sat, 06 Jun 2020 15:15:42 GMT

As many readers may know, I lost my grandson two years ago during his birth. It was a tragedy for our family; one that lingers with us still today. The loss of a child is life’s most painful blow.

Three days ago, I received a call from my youngest sister. I could tell the moment she said hello that something was wrong. As she is the primary care provider for my mother and aunt, I thought there must surely be something terribly wrong with one of them. I felt it must certainly be my mother as she is the eldest of the two, and suffers the worst health between them. I was wrong. My mother and my aunt are fine. My nephew and his wife, however, are expecting. Unfortunately, they have received news that their wee babe is not doing so well.

My nephew and his wife had received news earlier that morning that their baby’s pregnancy was in distress. In fact, there are problems that indicate that the baby will not live for very much longer. My sister had called me to ask certain questions in preparation for their impending doom. I answered her questions, giving her the information she needed to begin preparations for what will be her biggest challenge in life, the unexpected loss of her expected grandchild.

This morning I have received an update on the situation. My nephew sits for his (Medical College Admission Test (MCAT) today, and overnight, his child’s survival forecast has declined. My poor nephew must travel to a testing center and sit for his entrance exams while his child’s life quietly slips beyond his reach. Could the two be more ill-timed?

My sister reaches out this morning begging for prayers on behalf of her son and grandchild’s future. What do you offer as comfort to someone in such a heartbreaking moment? She comes to me seeking advice and solace on several planes. I am her eldest sister whose mother is unable to fulfill her role. I am the funeral director for her yet to be born grandchild. I am her son’s aunt who has experienced the excruciating fear of trying to assist my child through such a tragic loss just two years ago. And, I am a surviving grandmother who battles the pain and anguish of having lost her precious grandchild. There are so many things that I unwillingly experienced upon which she likewise must now embark. She must reach within herself and find the strength to carry her son, her daughter-in-law, and her husband through this most profoundly painful loss of all, the loss of a child.

My experience of losing my grandson expanded my understanding of pain and obligation to others. It hurt me more than any other loss or betrayal I have ever experienced. It fortified my soul and my faith, and for that, I am grateful as there are so many who lose their faith upon such catastrophic loss. Today, I must muster my strength, my experiences, and my soul to help my youngest sister survive the loss of that which threatens to crush her soul into the depths of despair. The pain of her son’s pain will be unbearable, the pain of losing her grandchild will test her strength beyond what she has heretofore known. She cannot possibly understand the extent of hopelessness that will bear down upon her as her grandchild’s life slips away before her very eyes. There is no person alive who can lift this trial from her heart save it be Christ, our Savior. She, like I, will have to relinquish her soul to her Savior and trust that eventually she will heal and that life will again be worth living. That is what the death of a child takes from you. It takes the value of your soul out of your heart. It takes all that you have known up to this point in life and brings it all into question. You doubt not only everything and everyone, but you doubt yourself, and you doubt your faith. It is crushing. It mangles you into worthlessness and spews you out to build yourself all over again. Even while you must live up to your responsibilities, you are dead inside and unable to function except by habit and obligation. It is the worst experience of my life. I cannot imagine how crushing it has been to my daughter; and now my sister and nephew join us in this most undesirable set of survivorship.

My words to my sister this morning are these.

Dearest Sister,

I love you dearly. I am sorry that you must go through this. I have faith that my nephew will be able to temporarily set his burdens aside and recall with pinpoint accuracy, the things he has learned for testing today. He has sacrificed and served the Lord; because of his service and love for others, the Lord will send angels to help him through this.

If there is one thing that I know beyond any doubt, it is that Heavenly Father knows the pain of losing a child and that he sends special angels to walk us through the trials accompanying such tragedy. My nephew will have those companions beside him today. Fortunately, they will remain by his side, and yours, for as long as required.

In the funeral business, we say grieving parents are unwillingly inducted into a club that no one wants to join. The only blessing that comes from being in that club, dearest sister, is that Heavenly Father is in it too. Because of that, His comforts are your companions, and He will walk with you as you struggle to overcome the devastations wrought this day in your soul.

You are in my prayers today as you are every day.

Deepest love and heartfelt sympathy.

Your Devoted Sister, Tracy”

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.

Please follow me on Instagram at "PushingUpDaisies_TracyLee".

VA Burial Benefits

Thu, 28 May 2020 15:20:56 GMT

Quite often, I serve a family who has lost a veteran and sincerely believes they are entitled to some wonderful (non-existing) burial funds from the US government. While it is true, the government has funds set aside for Veteran’s death benefits, it has been my experience that almost no one ever qualifies for them.

Presently, I have a veteran in my embalming room who will be buried this weekend. Unfortunately, he did not prepare financially for his death. He, like his family, believed that he qualified for plenty of money to cover his final expenses through his military service. In reality, if his family ever sees a cent from the government, I will be very pleasantly surprised.

It has long been my opinion that the government intentionally writes information to confuse the average American citizen. For this reason, I will attempt to explain the necessary qualifications your veteran MUST meet for governmental funding to cover his or her final expenses and the benefits for which he or she MIGHT qualify.

While reading this article, please note that the government "MIGHT" (which means maybe or maybe not) pay benefits for your veteran, while your veteran "MUST" (which means shall or is obliged to) meet the requirements as set forth through the VA. Before we begin, however, I want to tell you exactly what I tell my mother almost daily.

“The government does not establish requirements to qualify you for aid; they establish restrictions in order to disqualify you. If the government, an attorney or an insurance company is asking you a question, understand that they are trying to find information to disqualify you from any funds for which you are asking, or in which you stand in need.”

So, what are these burial benefits, and how is a veteran not disqualified from them?

REQUIREMENT aka. Restriction

Every veteran that has been discharged under conditions other than dishonorable MIGHT be eligible for VA memorial benefits.

PLAIN ENGLISH

If you were dishonorably discharged, you are disqualified from VA memorial benefits.

If you were not dishonorably discharged, the VA MIGHT have other ways to disqualify you.

INTERMENT BENEFITS

Interment benefits MIGHT include burial or inurnment in a national cemetery. If so, the burial plot, headstone, grave-liner, opening and closing and perpetual care would likewise be included. Please understand that these elements are only provided at a national cemetery.

If your veteran is interred at any other cemetery and meets the discharge requirement listed above, the VA MIGHT provide a governmental regulated headstone. Please recognize that although they MIGHT provide a headstone; they will not set the stone. You will still incur fees for the setting of the stone. You must also have someone willing to accept delivery of the stone. These stones are heavy and are generally delivered by a large semi truck. Once the stone has been accepted, one must also transport it to the cemetery at the appropriate time. Some stone setters will come by the delivery location and retrieve the stone. Be sure to ask your stone setter for this service but be prepared to pay for it. If you locate a stone setter prior to ordering the stone, you might ask if it can be delivered to the stone setter's place of work. That would be convenient for you.

Interestingly enough, the VA does not provide FINAL honors at a veteran’s funeral. Military honors are provided through the Department of Defense. Public Law 106-65 provides that every eligible veteran receive “final honors.” Please note that a veteran must qualify for these honors under the above-mentioned requirement. Final honors include the folding and presentation of a burial flag and the rendering of Taps. Although many expect it, 21 gun salutes are not included in the description of "final honors." In addition, ample time allowances are required when requesting this ceremony. Be prepared to hold your services in accordance with the honor guards schedule rather than your own.

Please note that interment benefits only apply to things that happen at the cemetery. They do not cover preparation of the veteran for burial or transportation of the veteran to the cemetery. These expenses are referred to as funeral expenses.

FUNERAL EXPENSE BENEFITS

A veteran’s family pays for all funeral expenses. If they are lucky, they MIGHT be reimbursed for a portion of them. These expenses include, but are not limited to, removal of remains, preparation of the body (embalming, casketing, dressing, disinfecting or cremating of remains), funeral arrangements (visitation, viewing, memorial, funeral or other ceremonies), funeral and burial merchandise (caskets, vaults, register books, funeral folders, acknowledgement cards, flowers, etc.) and privately, municipality or state owned cemetery property.

Service Related Death

BENEFIT: $2,000 toward burial expenses for deaths occurring on or after September 11, 2001.

RESTRICTIONS:

•MUST have been discharged under condition other than dishonorable.

•MUST have been involved in a military action at the moment of death.

•MUST apply for the funds within two years of final disposition.

Non-Service Related Death

BENEFIT: Up to $722 toward funeral expenses and $722 interment allowance for deaths occurring on or after October 1, 2012.

RESTRICTIONS:

•MUST have been discharged under conditions other than dishonorable.

•MUST apply for funds within two years of final disposition.

•

•Oh, remember those other ways you MIGHT be disqualified mentioned under “PLAIN ENGLISH"?

PLAIN ENGLISH NON-SERVICE RELATED DEATH BENEFITS DISQUALIFIERS

You are disqualified for these benefits if:

•Your veteran was dishonorably discharged.

•You fail to apply within two years of final disposition using VA Form 21-530.

•You have received funds from another source, i.e. decedent’s employer or a state agency.

In addition to the aforementioned disqualifiers, your veteran MUST meet at least one of the following conditions to dodge disqualification from death benefits.•Your veteran MUST have died due to a service-related disability (OR)

•Your veteran MUST have been receiving a VA pension or VA compensation at the time of death (OR)

•Your veteran MUST have been entitled to receive a VA pension or VA compensation, but decided not to reduce his or her military retirement or disability pay (OR)

•Your veteran MUST have died in a VA hospital, or while receiving care under VA contract at a non-VA facility (OR)

•Your veteran MUST have died while traveling under proper authorization and at VA expense to or from a specified place for the purpose of examination, treatment or care (OR)

•Your veteran MUST have an original or reopened claim pending at time of death and would have been entitled to VA compensation or pension from a date prior to the date of death (OR)

•Your veteran MUST have died on or after October 9, 1996, while a patient at a VA approved state nursing home.

Your application packet MUST include the following:•VA Form 21-530, Application for Burial Benefits

•Proof of military service (DD 214)

•Death Certificate

•Copy of funeral bill

•Copy of burial bill

The information for this article was obtained from experience as a military wife and funeral director, www.benefits.va.gov and VFW magazine. I hope this helps you understand how and who qualifies for VA burial benefits.

COVID 19 - PHASE II - The Sky Is Not Falling

Tue, 26 May 2020 17:57:05 GMT

Things are finally looking better, at least, the attitudes of the people seem to be brighter. I ventured out with my grandchildren this weekend. During the COVID-19 Pandemic Shelter in Place order my grandchildren have outgrown their shoes. We have also passed into a new season so their clothing needs have changed as well. We enjoyed our time out of the house this weekend and we bought a tin of shortbread cookies to celebrate.

As we shopped the various stores, I noticed that my tiny grandchildren, my daughter, and I seemed to be the only people wearing face masks. There also seemed to be a lack of hand sanitation and social distancing going on.

I believe it is your business what you want to do with your life. I believe that if you are a risk-taker you should have that right, as long as your actions do not risk, or endanger the safety of others. I also believe that if you are not a risk-taker, you have every right to protect yourself without reprisal. Of course, we were not victims of evil stares or snide remarks from the risk-takers, after all, this is Texas, mind your P's and Q's or someone else just might do it for you.

One of my sons-in-law states that he is not one of those “chicken little people who believe the sky is falling.” He, therefore, chooses not to wear a mask or social distance. I, however, believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, (my grandmother taught me that.) I also believe that if I don’t want my sky to fall, then I need to do what it takes to keep it from falling, (my grandmother taught me that also.) “Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe,” was one of her shared wisdoms.

I am in the funeral profession, I understand that there are no do-overs once you’re dead. For me, the uncertain risk of life is not an option. I would rather be overprotected against the grim reaper rather than unknowingly invite him in. I am sure my opinion is based largely on my work experience, however, I believe we choose our own deaths, and my choice will not be death by COVID-19 due to rebellion, passiveness, or any other reason that I might easily prevent. I alone, am responsible for my life. Therefore, I will utilize my freedom through the observance of prudence.

While studying for my funeral service degree, our instructors taught us that germs can be passed in a multitude of ways. By far the most frightening method for me is by droplet spray. If germs are on surfaces, I can disinfect them, I can avoid touching them, or I can wash my hands. Droplet spray, however, is a different ball game. I must breathe. Whether the air is clean or filled with germs, I know not, for I cannot see them. I cannot refuse to be touched by the air about me. I cannot refuse to breathe. That air, whether carrying germs or not, will enter my body and fall upon my skin. If there is a method that might lessen possible contamination, I obligate myself to utilize it. I have obligations to others that commit me to take the very best protective care of my health. I also have obligations of love that commit me to protect my children and grandchildren through whatever means are at my disposal.

The information about COVID-19 prevention is so far-fetched and politicized that I find myself determining my own path for protection. At this point, I do not care what the experts say or don’t say, or what their models indicate or don’t indicate; as the responsible party for my safety, health, and life, I will determine my observances. Additionally, as a proud patriotic American, I will not be intimidated into doing something I feel is in error or that treads on my freedoms or rights.

I applaud those who are happy and out and about: I am one of them. In our world, the sky is not falling. Unlike many others though, I still observe safety precautions because I would rather be safe and alive, than sorry and dead. I enjoyed my time out with my grandchildren this weekend. I bought new shoes, new clothes, new cosmetics, goodies, toys, food, and office supplies, and, I had a grand old time doing it.

Spending money in our economy is crucial for our economic recovery. I plan to do my fair share and enjoy myself doing it. I however, will do it safely and prudently, as that is my personality. I take my life and its preservation seriously, and I take my responsibilities to my family and clients seriously as well.

Whether you wear a mask, sanitize your hands, or keep your distance is your own business (in Texas, anyway.) Caring for the dead, however, is my business. I plan to continue caring for the dead by protecting myself from becoming one of them. To that end, if you see me, expect to see me wearing a mask, and please, politely keep your distance.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Season Approaches

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:16:07 GMT

The holiday season seems to have come a week or two early for me. Every year is like the year before — each consisting of the same traditions, the same festivities, and the same schedule. I don’t know how it has sneaked up on me. I usually have all of my Christmas shopping done by now, and my Thanksgiving and Christmas parties all planned. This year is different though, I’m behind on everything.

I have so much to be grateful for a loving husband, wonderful children, adorable grandchildren, and great friends. I live in the greatest country on earth, I enjoy the freedoms guaranteed me through the American constitution, and I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. What then is weighing on me?

I know perfectly well what is weighing on me. It is my attitude. I have endured the loss of family and friends this year, and I don’t want to do the work to overcome it. I have let time pass, ignoring my pain and sadness, as if I thought the passage of time would magically erase it.

Grief Brief 281

Recovery Cultivation

The passage of time cannot be counted on to relieve the sufferings of grief.

This is especially applicable to spousal bereavement.

To obtain and sustain love, one must actively seek, cultivate, and nurture it.

Grief recovery, like love, is not obtained through passive means.

One must desire, seek, and cultivate their own recovery.

Those who share their love, rather than withhold it, seem to adjust to life without their loved one more easily. Mourning Light III, 2019)

Now that the holidays are upon me, I realize I should have pushed other things to the side and cultivated my recovery. Until I face my grief head-on and begin the process of willfully seeking grief recovery, I, like many others, will suffer the inevitability of recurring grief.

GRIEF BRIEF 83

GRIEF RECOVERY SUCCESS

Success in moving through grief depends on your willingness to recover.

If you are the type of person that enjoys or thrives on being a victim, you will most likely travel very slowly through recovery.

You must decide that you want to recover; that you are willing to move your loved one into a memory, and that you are going to overcome your heartache.

Without these decisions, you will remain trapped within your recurring grief cycle indefinitely. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

The holidays are especially difficult for those suffering grief. It feels as though the suffering increases 100 fold.

GRIEF BRIEF 58

SPECIAL DAYS

Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are incredibly stressful for survivors of loss.

The anticipation of these critical dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself.

If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Realizing that I have placed myself in a somewhat difficult holiday season, I will turn to those who can help me the most.

GRIEF BRIEF 38

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Family and friends can be an excellent resource for grief recovery.

Traveling to visit loved ones in other areas or having them visit the survivor, offers companionship that is familiar, uplifting, and relative to their life’s experiences. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

After all, Thanksgiving and Christmas are centered around friends, family, and traditions. Therefore, I have restructured some of our family traditions and developed a few new ones for this time of year. I find that traditions help me enjoy my season through comforting familiarity.

GRIEF BRIEF 42

TRADITIONS

Traditions are an excellent tool for grief recovery.

Observing traditions that were once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still, through the activities and love we shared.

Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.

Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

After writing this article, evaluating my situation and deciding to change my attitude, I feel better about the season. My family and friends will share their warmth and joy with me, and in turn, I will relax and enjoy my time with them. I will enjoy a bonus this year. My daughter and her husband will seal their bonds of holy matrimony just before Thanksgiving. I look forward to this experience and know that it will bring great joy to our family.

Life is a miraculous gift filled with remarkable experiences that bring joy and sometimes sadness. It is up to us to decide whether that sadness will crush us or strengthen us. I choose joy, happiness, strength, and family as the major players in my life. I will overcome grief and sadness by changing my attitude and actively cultivating recovery.

I realize that I am blessed beyond my comprehension through the gift of a wee babe born in a manger. His purpose was to change the world and save God’s children from eternal death and misery. He is the light that shines in all goodness, and he will one day raise the dead.

I look forward to that day. The day when you and I will live again in peace with our departed loved ones. What a glorious day that will be.

Happy holidays dear friends. I hope that you are joyful and not grieving; but, if grief weighs upon you, please seek recovery and find your way back to the Savior’s love and peace. Enjoy your time with loved ones, and discover the comfort in traditions as you experience and celebrate the gifts of the most wonderful time of year.

One more thing, if, at any time, you feel overwhelmed, please take a break and regain your focus on the good things in life. If you are unable to shake your grief and it becomes stifling, please call 911 and ask for immediate assistance. The holidays are for experiencing joy, not a loss. You matter, and even though you may not realize it, someone loves you and is depending on you to be there with them as they travel the highway of life.

For those who mourn; recovery is my Christmas wish.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Classifications of Grief

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:16:05 GMT

Through my years of work as a funeral practitioner and certified grief counselor, I have found that most people suffering loss do not realize that there are various classifications of grief. I have also found that most do not understand the time table and personal commitment that grief requires for recovery.

Before I entered my profession, I would marvel at widows who had survived their spouses by 20 years or more, who were able to continue in life with joy and fulfillment, and who dedicated themselves to the service of others. I used to wonder if there were a magic pill or a magic formula they had happened upon and hoped beyond reason that should I one day become a widow, that I would find their secrets of harmonious survival. I hope that I never have to survive life without my husband by my side for decades on end, but one never knows, and if it happens that I must, I pray that I will dwell in peace until my time without him ends.

WHAT IS GRIEF

Grief is the uncontrollable and natural reaction experienced upon the death of someone to whom a bond or affection has been formed. It affects the survivor physiologically (the body’s functions), emotionally (one’s feelings), spiritually (one’s soul), and psychologically (the health of one’s mind).

PHYSIOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF

Grief imposes physical symptoms upon the living. Survivors suffer extreme fatigue, nausea, headaches, food aversions, sleep deprivation, dizziness, sun sensitivity, loss of motivation, pain, and severe illness directly related to grief.

Grief increases inflammation. Inflammation exacerbates existing health problems and opens the door for new ones to creep in.

Grief batters the immune system causing vitality depletion and vulnerabilities to infection. It also raises blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. If unchecked, it can usher in strokes.

EMOTIONAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF

Sadness is the most common feeling experienced during bereavement. Persons who block sadness with excessive activity find that their sadness surfaces once they are exhausted. Exhaustion renders one less able to overcome the intensity of sadness. Loneliness, fear, worry, etc. wield a significant blow to the emotional stability of a survivor.

SPIRITUAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF

Religious beliefs are often called into question at a time of loss. Some find it helpful to speak with a faithful friend or their clergy for added strength during this time. Still, others find it best to rely on quiet faith.

PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECT OF GRIEF

If one’s emotional health continues to falter, one may suffer increasing psychological effects associated with their grief. Helplessness, depression, and loss of hope may lead to mental illness or suicide.

The effects of grief can be severe, and it is paramount that should you witness someone suffering exaggerated grief that you immediately enlist professional assistance for the survivor.

TYPES OF GRIEF

INTENSE GRIEF

Intense grief is normal following the loss of a loved one.

Grief remains intense during adaptation to the loss and the realization of a new reality of life.

Prolonged intense grief can alter the heart muscle.

ACUATE GRIEF

Acute grief occurs in the early onset of loss. It often dominates the life of the survivor and robs them of their peace.

Yearning, longing, sorrow, preoccupation of thoughts, bitterness, and vivid memories associated with the deceased are typical feelings that fuel acute grief. Additionally, painful emotions, anxiety, anger, remorse, guilt, and shame are common during acute grief.

Survivors suffering the effects of acute grief usually focus on avoiding thoughts and activities that trigger their pain. They typically focus their energies on thoughts of the deceased. It can be difficult for them to think of anything or anyone else.

INTEGRATED GRIEF

Integrated grief is when the survivor has advanced to a place where his/her grief resides in his/her heart but does not dominate or cause an inability to enjoy life. Grief does not, however, disappear.

As a survivor adjusts to his/her new reality of life without the decedent, grief eventually morphs from a living pain to a loving memory.

It is at this juncture that loss-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have integrated into a survivor’s ability to normalize functioning. It is where grief no longer dominates the survivor’s existence. It is the point at which the survivor has skillfully learned how to control thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so that he/she more positively affects his/her experience and allows him/herself to remember and honor his/her loved one.

Integrated grief ushers inward peace into the heart of the survivor, where he/she can build a relationship with his/her decedent where comfort, love, and peace can co-exist.

COMPLICATED GRIEF

Complicated grief is a persistent, intense grief where the survivor is caught in a cycle of dysfunctional behaviors and relentless inability to come to terms with the facts of death.

Continued yearning, longing, preoccupation of thoughts, sadness, and unrealistic expectations consume the life of the survivor. The survivor suffers feelings of emptiness, and his/her future expectations are bleak. He/she feels lost and alone. Irrational thoughts and wishing persist, even up to expectations that the decedent might reappear.

Complicated grief occurs when adaptation is interrupted by interference. Interference with recovery can allow acute grief to persist for extended periods of time. Intense emotional pain opens the door for complicated grief to take hold.

A survivor suffering complicated grief loses sight of forward movement and recovery. A future without their loved one seems eternally dark, dreary, and dismal. They are unable to realize, on their own, that there is a path to recovery.

Complicated grief increases the risk of physical and mental illnesses. Depression, anxiety, sleep and eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors are prevalent in complicated grief experiences. Physical ailments increase for those who suffer complicated grief in the form of heart attacks and strokes, high blood pressure and blood clots, and cancer.

Exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones can help with physical and mental health issues related to normal grief; however, survivors suffering complicated grief are unable to recover without professional assistance.

EXAGGERATED GRIEF

Clinical depression, substance abuse, and phobic behavior are all associated with exaggerated grief. Survivors suffering from exaggerated grief need the assistance of medical practitioners immediately.

SYNOPSIS

In a perfect world, intense and acute grief should ebb toward integrated grief within six months. If, after six months, a survivor has not experienced any form of improvement in their emotional health, or has experienced deepening degrees of physiological or psychological instabilities, a medical specialist, in either or both fields, should be immediately considered.

It is important to note that drugs do not cure grief; they merely treat the diseases caused by it or mask the reality of it. Without adequate recovery from grief, one will continue to see recurring ailments indefinitely.

Love is a communion of the heart, a selfless joining of souls. We endure the sufferings of grief because we have enjoyed the privileges and spiritual gift of love. Grief is a wound to the soul and thereby appropriately requires spiritual healing. The underlying spiritual wound of grief can only be healed by reinvesting oneself in selflessness through service to and love for others.

Now that I have been a certified grief counselor and funeral practitioner for a length of time, I understand that grief recovery requires a time table accompanied by personal commitment. However, through my experience of witnessing grief recovery, I now understand that the healing of one’s soul involves maintenance of the spirit. It is a higher power than our own that brings this miraculous healing into our beings.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

We Don't Grieve Well Alone

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:16:04 GMT

As a professional license holder, I must accomplish yearly continuing education (CE) credits as required by the states in which I practice. During her CE lecture last week, my professor offered an observation that I found to be especially profound; “We don’t grieve well alone.”

Her observation is one of complete truth. Survivors who withdraw from their support community will most likely find that their recovery time is extended. With this extension, survivors face additional difficulties that would otherwise be absent. With that in mind, one realizes that social contact is significant for survivors during recovery.

Grief Brief 286

GRIEF IS NATURAL

Grief is the body’s natural response to loss.

When our loved ones die, the loss is permanent.

Permanent loss equals permanent grief.

The impact of loss strikes our core health; physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

“Close relationships help regulate our daily psychological and physical functioning. Their loss…typically leaves people feeling out of control and disoriented.” (Katherine Shear, MD)

(Mourning Light III, 2019)

In addition to close relationships; funerals, and other services surrounding the death of a loved one serve to assist mourners in their entrance and journey through the process of grief recovery.

Grief Brief 103

COMMUNITY OF MOURNERS

The funeral brings together a community of mourners who can support each other through the bereavement process.

Grief experts and those who counsel the grieving believe that a funeral or other memorial type service is a necessary part of the healing process.

Further, they state that those who forego this traditional service run the risk of a complicated, extended, and exaggerated grief experience.

(Mourning Light II, 2016)

Formal services offer the reality of loss to the survivor and notify the support community that the survivor’s usual level of functioning may be compromised for a time.

GRIEF BRIEF 63

LOWER FUNCTIONALITY

During the early stages of bereavement, preoccupation of your loss interferes with your ability to function at your normal capacity.

(Mourning Light I, 2016)

The critical thing to remember is that human beings are creatures of habit. Without the opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one, our minds and hearts continue to function as though our decedent remains living. The problem is that he/she is not living; he/she is dead. We must realize and accept this fact to be able to recover from his/her absence.

There is no fooling the soul. If you forgo the opportunity of proof (viewings, visitations, memorial services, funerals, and other traditional farewell and closure producing opportunities), the mind (in most cases) continues to function as though the decedent lives. At that point, those with a reliance upon the decedent develop conflict between their brain, their heart, and their soul. This conflict is based on confusion and an internal battle between the brain’s knowledge that death has occurred, and the impossible yearnings imposed upon the soul through the unrequited love remaining in the heart. This scenario is capable of inflicting brutal confusion, mind-boggling fantasy, and unbearable pain on the psychological future of the survivor.

Attending commemorative events helps us realize that death has occurred and ties us to our new reality of survival without the companionship of our loved one beside us. Surrounding oneself with supporters offers mental stability, loving comfort and understanding, and spiritual strength through the realities of life’s curveballs and the excruciating tortures of grief.

Reflecting on my professor’s statement, “We don’t grieve well alone,” and armed with the above information regarding the importance of final services; I hope that should you find yourself in the psychologically vulnerable position of pseudo-reality and withdrawal, that you would immediately seek assistance to set your journey back to a true course. To do so, you must reenter your social community, accept the death of your loved one, and quite possibly, seek the assistance of a grief recovery expert.

If you have turned away from your family and friends, they most likely remain faithful and concerned for your well-being. Reach out to them. If you have hurt them, ask for their forgiveness. You may even need to forgive yourself. Allow your loved ones to infuse love back into your world of sorrow and pain. Doing so will dissipate your loneliness and annihilate the delusions within your heart, mind, and soul. If you are unable to approach them on your own, enlist the assistance of a grief recovery expert.

Grief suffering is not the time to be alone. Reach out to others and find your way home to recovery.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Where Are They

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:16:03 GMT

I thought back to the time when I first entered Funeral College; I too, had a moment of reflection. I wondered, does the soul maintain life, or does the body maintain the soul? It was a perplexing question for some time; however, eventually, I settled on a philosophy that worked for me.

Just as pre-planning your vacation, or your burial, makes things run much smoother, so does exploring and settling your core beliefs.

GRIEF BRIEFf 73

RELIGIOUS BELIEFS

Religious beliefs are often called into question at a time of loss.

Some find it helpful to speak with a faithful friend or their clergy for added strength during this time.

Still, others find it best to rely on quiet faith.

You are the only person who can determine the best course of action in this situation.

(Mourning Light I< 2016)

My work, as well as my personal experiences, proves to me that the above Grief Brief is filled with truth. If you are able to settle your beliefs before a significant event in your life, your mind and soul will operate harmoniously.

GRIEF BRIEF 37

RELIGION

Religion offers hope for the future and forgiveness for the past.

It also offers like-minded support and understanding.

It can be a source for counseling and re-socialization, a gateway for grief recovery.

(Mourning Light I, 2016)

Religion or personal beliefs, once settled, can bring an enormous wealth of gifts for the survivor. Receiving a personal witness or internal knowledge of your core values and beliefs before challenges surface, allows you to know already how you will react to your environment or new reality.

If you are unsettled in your thoughts or beliefs, please address those issues with yourself. Doing so will afford you enormous comforts in your future.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Growing Threat of Complicated Grief

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 13:16:00 GMT

I taught a continuing education course at a University in a neighboring state this morning. My course was centered on grief, in particular, the role of funeral service within the grief recovery experience.

When I was a funeral service student, my professors would always talk about the need for funeral service to evolve into something more modern; otherwise, they said, it would become obsolete. There were ideas about celebrations, facilitations, new methods, and new products. It was somewhat apparent that some instructors had forgotten that the profession was funeral services, not retail funeral merchandising.

Now that I have been a funeral director for a good while, I have seen what some of my teachers could not. They understood that funeral service needed to update something, but the something eluded them.

As a licensed funeral director, certified grief counselor, and funeral home owner, my perspective on funeral service is broad. I function daily as a funeral home employee. After hours, I function as a business owner, analyzing numbers and products, and economizing here, while expanding there. Working in both capacities has opened my eyes to many opportunities for improvement within my profession.

During the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, families lived centralized on family properties. On those properties, families would expand across generations. Quite often, you would see great grandparents, grandparents, parents, and children all living within the same house. The houses were large in order to accommodate the generations of offspring.

When great grandparents and grandparents began suffering illnesses, their children and grandchildren would take shifts caring for them. This care was most often offered through the females within the family as the males were out working, farming, and ranching. When death would strike, those same family members would wash and prepare their loved ones for burial. The decedent would be placed for viewing in the parlor, and family and friends would travel to participate in laying the loved one to rest.

As the twentieth century dawned, the world experienced a revolution in technology and urbanization. The younger generations moved away from the “home place” and into big cities where work was offered for skilled and unskilled laborers. Birth control was developed so homes began decreasing in size.

Back on the “home place” when a great grandparent or grandparent fell ill, there was no longer a caregiver structure available, so they were moved into nursing facilities. The younger generations suffered embarrassment over their lack of participation in the care of their loved ones. This increased generational separation, and younger folks began ignoring the reality of their dying loved ones.

As the life cycle ended, we saw the necessity for funeral homes to emerge. Nursing homes would call funeral homes as there were no family members within the area to collect and prepare the loved one for burial. Due to the demands of work, extended families were also short of additional days necessary to arrange, prepare, and offer services.

Now that the twenty-first century is upon us, we see that people are seeking options to traditional burials. Green burials, cremation, and an array of fringy options are seeing an increase in popularity. We see a new movement of isolation brought on through the extreme application of device usage. Families that once resided within the same household barely even know each other, and modern contact is generally through electronic communications rather than person to person. Human beings, however, are innately drawn to heritage and require the basic needs of Maslow’s Theory of Hierarchy. Technology and a tiny urbanization footprint interfere with the realization of our needs. Self-actualization is more challenging to attain as families no longer support the progression of subsequent generations. Esteem is diminished as virtual profiles grow in falsehoods, and virtual friends dissipate according to viral trends. Loving and belonging are based upon pseudo online celebrity and therefore vanish at the drop of a faux pas. Safety no longer exists as privacy is obsolete. Lastly, with the ever-shrinking livable footprint allotted to individuals, physiological needs are less and less sustainable. The disappearance of fulfillment for our basic needs creates all sorts of physiological, psychological, emotional, and spiritual pathologies. And right there is where we find the absolute growing demand for funeral service. It is human isolation that has created the increases in complicated grief scenarios and social psychological pathologies brought on by today’s trends of virtual existence.

So now, we have identified the change that my professors were grappling to identify. With the dissolution of reality trying to coexist with the survival needs of isolated human beings, how does funeral service adjust itself to provide the necessary care required by survivors sinking under a mountain of complicated grief?

Funeral directors are those who have the most experience with death and its aftermath of grief; therefore, without familial support for survivors, funeral directors are the ones to whom the responsibility of grief recovery has fallen. The problem exists in that funeral education has not caught up with the needs of the profession. Funeral practitioners are receiving credentials while being ill-equipped to understand and provide for the psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physiological needs of their clients.

Funeral homes are realizing that more is necessary as they are pressed upon by survivors for assistance and direction for recovery. The lack of familial support and human to human experiences is that more and more survivors are suffering exaggerated, extended, and complicated grief.

The funeral profession must expand educational requirements if they expect to provide for the expanding needs of their clients. Funeral professionals need academic instruction in grief and complicated grief, recovery psychology. Without adopting these fine arts into the educational requirements of funeral professionals, survivors will continue to suffer increasingly complicated recoveries.

Psychological and psychiatric therapies fail survivors as they do not encompass the science of pathological grief nor incorporate the vast knowledge and experience of the funeral profession. Research studies show 70% of complicated grief sufferers obtain improvement with the assistance of certified grief counselor and licensed therapist knowledgeable in complicated grief treatment. (Columbia University, School of Complicated Grief Therapy) With those facts in mind, it seems evident that the funeral industry needs to increase the educational qualifications of its professionals.

A baccalaureate degree in Funeral Arts with a minor in Grief Psychology studies would most likely be necessary to obtain the additional educational requirements. Currently, we see that only Minnesota and Ohio require a bachelor’s degree in funeral arts. Iowa is considering upping their requirements to a bachelor’s degree as their educational requirements have not changed within the last 60 years. (Des Moines Register May 2018) While the majority of states require at least an associate’s degree in being licensed as a funeral director/embalmer, some states do not. There are no educational requirements for funeral directors in Hawaii or Alaska. Additionally, states like Texas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Arkansas have opted for a director’s only license where a student may sit for the Conference exam after obtaining a lower portion of funeral arts credits. Decreasing or stalling the educational requirements for a licensed human services profession seems counterproductive; however, some states feel otherwise.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Self Esteem

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:59 GMT

The problem with grief, well actually, there are many, but the one I shall attempt to address today is that not only is grief an assault on your heart, but it is also an assault on your self-esteem. Loss, when it is someone with whom your identity is attached, attacks the very core of who you are. Your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-identity are all suddenly called into question, internally. Suddenly, you don’t know who you are, what your purpose is, or if you can even survive in the new reality of your life. It is an all-out attack on your survival.

We have seen in the past that one person’s death can cause another’s. For instance, consider Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher; a case of mother and daughter dying just days apart. Some call this “dying from a broken heart.” In actuality, that assessment is not off-base. The stress of losing someone with whom you have attached all that you are, all that you do, your very soul, and even your purpose in life, brings on such damage physically, that yes, the heart may fail, and life may end.

Fortunately, most survivors will indeed survive the death of a loved one, and most survive with a healthy, albeit painful, grief recovery. There are those, however, between 20% and 30% who will suffer extreme complications and, if not treated, may within a short period, suffer death themselves.

If you are a mother whose life, above all else, is loving and caring for your children, your self-identity is probably based on being a mom. The loss of even one of your children may be enough to rob you of your self-value and crush your self-esteem. If the loss were brutal, as in murder, or genetically based, your recovery will most likely be riddled with physical and psychological issues. Were you my client, in this type of case, before the funeral even happens, I would suggest counseling. This scenario is more than you should ever bear, especially without help.

If you are a marriage partner, let’s say for 20 years or longer, your primary identity is most likely that of a spouse. The loss of your spouse is the involuntary dissolution of your marriage. In this type of loss, not only has the baseline of your identity been destroyed, you may find yourself in a critical jam financially. Losing your marriage partner could cause the loss of your home, your social standing, your income, and many other things. Widowed partners generally recover without the complications suffered by parents losing a child; however, facing the rest of your life alone is a very daunting reality. Statistically, 20 plus widows out of 100 will need the assistance of a grief counselor.

Your identity is your reason, your focus, and your purpose for living. Once your identity is gone, quite often, your self-value is gone. Each day that your self-value is absent, your self-esteem falls deeper and deeper into hopelessness and self-loathing. You are left with emptiness, fear, anger, sorrow, sadness, loneliness, and a host of other horrible issues battering you to the brink of death. If you do not do something to help yourself, you may not make it out of this pit of devastation.

This point in your existence is where your clergy, church family, and friends try to assist you and your family to recover from your horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, once you slide into complicated grief or depression, the likelihood of recovery is absent without the assistance of a trained grief specialist or mental health practitioner. Even your medical doctor can only treat the symptoms caused by your grief. His medications will not address the underlying cause of your illnesses, and therefore, they will remain. Once your self-esteem has been stolen from you – you must seek help.

Neither your certified grief counselor, licensed grief psychologist, nor drugs will cure your grief. You must understand that grief will be a part of you as long as your love for the decedent remains in your heart. Your grief specialist will merely seek to direct you to a place where you can manage, and live healthily, within your new reality. Even after your therapy sessions have concluded, grief will revisit you from time to time, especially during significant events such as holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. It will also resurface with certain aromas, locations, music, tokens, and sounds. Grief is unpredictable. It is a relentless beast.

Self-medicating and illegal drugs exacerbate the loss of self-worth and hopelessness. They steal away and destroy your future. Please do not disrespect yourself with them and rob yourself of your potential to recover. Whether you know it or not, you matter. You have wisdom and love to contribute to the lives of those about you.

Merry Christmas, dear readers. Even though you may not know me, you and everyone suffering loss and grief matter to me. It is my life’s quest to assist the bereaved and lighten the burdens of grief. If you are suffering during this holiday season, I implore you to reach out to those around you. Nurturing friendship and diligently seeking the companionship of Christ will be your greatest comforts this season.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XVI - Keys to Success

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:58 GMT

I am a survivor of significant loss. The past year of my life has been challenging, filled with sadness, and riddled with overwhelming internal insecurity of self. I have questioned my parenting, my discernment, my commitment, and my strength. I second guess my decisions, both personally and professionally. Grief does that. It changes everything and it is a battle to keep or regain control of one’s innermost self. It attacks you from within; your soul, your confidence, your health, and everything else. It brings into question your abilities and judgments. In short, it confuses you and turns your perceptions of life and self, upside down. Most people will recover without intervention; however, some experience a far greater battle.

Grief Brief 292

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief is a form of persistent and pervasive grief that does not allow one to recover naturally.

Complicated grief increases the risk of physical and mental illnesses.

Depression, anxiety, sleep and eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors are prevalent in complicated grief experiences.

Physical illnesses increase for those who suffer complicated grief in the form of heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, blood clots, and cancer.

Exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones can help with physical and mental health issues related to normal grief. However, survivors suffering complicated grief are unable to recover without professional assistance. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Considering the above Grief Brief, one might ask, “Oh my, what can I do to avoid complicated grief?” Over the last year, I have asked myself that very question. In the final paragraph of Grief Brief 292, we find four simple and proven suggestions that assist us in avoiding the throes of complicated grief. Exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones sound very easy to do. Indeed, these four little suggestions seem to be a natural course, one that all human beings would take. Unfortunately, not only do we not feel like doing them, in our compromised state of mind, we may lack the motivation to act upon them. We must realize that although these are natural course recoveries, they do not magically happen on their own.

How then, do we utilize this natural course of recovery? The answer is revealed in Grief Brief 293.

Grief Brief 293

3 Keys to Recovery

1. Commitment

a. You must choose to become better rather than bitter.

2. Action

a. Action is movement. You must move every day towards recovery by actively investing your commitment to become better.

3. Counseling

a. Studies show that survivors utilizing grief counseling can recover three times faster than those going it alone. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

How simple is that? Of course, movement requires action. We know that motion will not happen without some sort of motivating force. And of course, initiated force requires a commitment to maintain. That is pure science learned in grade school.

The surprising key to me is counseling. Who would have guessed that counseling could cut recovery time by two thirds? Is there anyone who wants to endure the ravages of grief longer than any time at all? That tidbit alone is worthy of utilization.

The problem of complicated grief materializes for several reasons, however, if we utilize the “Three Keys to Recovery” (Commitment, Action, and Counseling) and apply them to the “Four Natural Courses of Recovery” (exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones), our chances for a good and swift recovery are magnified. Ignoring these mechanisms increases our chances of recovery failure and our experience may become complicated. Healing may fail to materialize without professional assistance.

In reflection, I already knew these simple recoveries and keys. I utilized each of them to escape the clutches that grief imposed upon me this past year. Even so, recovery has not been lightening swift or easy.

There remain days that I lament over my loss. The difference is, however, that those days are fewer and more manageable, and in the midst of them, I know that I have beaten grief’s stifling suffocations. My pain will forever dwell within me because my love for my lost grandson will forever rest in my soul. Pain, however, no longer rules every moment of my life.

Truth revealed is truth affirmed. The answers are so simple, and we already know them within ourselves. We must assert ourselves to become the masters of our actions and rely upon a higher power than ourselves for inspirational guidance. We must do these things whether we feel like it or not. If we do not, grief will win, and we will be its slave.

I am grateful that I was able to utilize Grief Briefs 292 and 293 this past year. Through their application, I was able to return to a place of love and happiness. I have nine living grandchildren and one deceased. Although my heart is broken for the one who has passed, it finally lives again for those who remain.

I believe that families are forever. I believe that I will see my grandson again when my soul passes through the veil of heaven. I look forward to that day. I also look forward to living out the rest of my life with my living grandchildren and never missing one moment of being with them.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XVII - Christmas 2019

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:57 GMT

Have you had experiences that you wish you could re-live over and over again as time passes? There is an experience in my life that I hope never to re-live. That experience is the loss of my grandson. I hope that I never experience the loss of any of my children or grandchildren ever again. It has been nearly two years since my grandson, Mikey Joe, passed, yet the pain still cuts my heart into shreds. My pain is not constant. I have days, weeks, even months, where I am okay with thinking of him and seeing his grave, but then some days creep in and crush me like a Mac truck rolling over me back and forth several times.

Mikey Joe is buried on our estate, so I see his grave every time I enter or exit my front door. Seeing his grave and knowing that it is within my care, brings me great comfort.

The loss of a child is backward. Loss is supposed to happen during old age, not during new life. It is tough to reconcile the soul’s emotions and accept this type of loss. It is a burden that should not exist. Of course, I wish death did not exist at all. I see the pain that my clients suffer, and I feel my pain, and I wonder how we endure. I wonder why we must endure. Surely, this pain is a terrible nightmare that if only I could wake up, would disappear. The problem is that it is 5:00 AM; I just woke up about 30 minutes ago. Waking up does not make the nightmare go away; it brings into focus the reality of my loss.

It is winter in East Texas, Christmas is just around the corner. As I rose from my bed this morning, my thoughts drifted to the morning of my grandson’s funeral. Dressed in my jammies, I walked outside to his sweet little grave. I began raking the leaves and pulling the weeds to tidy things up for him. As I did so, tears filled my eyes. I prayed to God that my grandson knows that I love him and that I miss him. I also prayed for the comfort of my daughter’s heart and that of her husband’s too. I took a little picture of Mikey Joe’s grave to text to my daughter later today. She will be happy that his grave has been attended. She will cry because she loves him and misses him so, but she will be appreciative, and it will bring her comfort.

Today, love for my grandson fills my heart, but it is overshadowed by pain of loss. I shall facetime his brother and sister in a few hours. Seeing and conversing with them will help me overcome my melancholy. You see, that is the secret to recovery. We grieve because we love something that is no longer within our reach. The only way to mend our gaping wound of pain and sorrow is to refill it with that which is missing; love.

The heart has an infinite capacity to love: the more we love, the more we are able to love. In contrast, the heart is unable to sustain grief. The more we grieve, the less we experience love, the more we hurt, and the closer we move toward death.

Today my soul will be filled with laughter, love, and happiness as I facetime my sweet grandchildren. I must wait a few hours though, as it is only 2:00 AM at their home in Hawaii. They will awaken soon, and then my world will change. The sun will shine on my soul through the wonderment of my grandchildren, and I will be gloriously happy. I thank God that I have them.

I see their little brother in them. His perfect nose is planted squarely on his sweet sister’s adorable face. It crinkles when she smiles. His firm chin matches the strength displayed in his older brother’s profile. I am sure his personality would have matched his siblings, so loving, curious, and full of wonderment.

Yesterday, my daughter took her son out for a mother-son date. They went to see a new children’s film released earlier this week. As they were waiting for the movie to begin, my grandson could not be consoled with popcorn and candy; he wanted his little sister there with him. He missed her and wanted to enjoy the movie with her. You see, when you have suffered loss, precious moments with those you love become ever important, even to children.

I love my grandchildren so much, and I miss them beyond belief. I wish with every breath that I take that they could live nearer to me. I am grateful for the responsibility of caring for Mikey Joe’s grave. It brings me comfort to have his little body so near.

In just a few days it will be Christmas Eve. My husband and I, along with our youngest daughter, will place a Christmas tree next to Mikey Joe’s grave. With my husband’s guitar and my harp, we will play and sing Christmas carols to our sweet grandson as we usher in the celebration of our Savior’s birth.

I believe in Christ. Without His love, I would not have survived Mikey Joe’s death. The pain was too agonizing for me to bear on my own accord. Without my Savior’s gift of life over death, I would not have found a reason to continue breathing. His grace has lifted my broken heart, and although I yearn for my grandson, I know that life is eternal and that I will see him again.

I believe that families are forever and that when I die, I will reunite with my loved ones who have passed before me. I believe that we will wait together, anticipating the return of those who remain living, and those yet to be born, to one day join us in our quest for eternal happiness.

I am grateful for my Savior’s atoning sacrifice. His grace erases my shortcomings and makes it possible for an imperfect being to receive His Father’s forgiveness.

I hold in highest regard the privilege of freedom, for, without it, I might not be able to worship as the dictates of my heart rejoice.

I am thankful for the purity of love, that it is all enduring, that its force is humanity’s strength, and that it motivates charity. Charity, the purest form of love, is humanity’s only hope for survival against the evils which prevail upon us in today’s mindless confusions of purpose.

I cherish my family, my marriage to my devoted husband, the gift of our loving children, the endowment of our sweet grandchildren, and the blessing of our tiniest angel, Mikey Joe. Without family, life would be mundane and for naught.

I hope that as you enter the blessed Christmas season that you will be surrounded by those who love and cherish you. If you are separated from your family due to responsibilities, I hope that you feel their love in your heart and that you will be reunited soon. If you are alone due to loss, I pray that you feel the Savior’s love and know that his birth, his mission, his death, and his resurrection have made it possible for you to receive God’s greatest gift; eternal life as a family, eternal life as His family.

As we celebrate Christmas, may we recall the glorious praise, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.” Luke 2:14

I ask for God’s goodwill toward you, Merry Christmas.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XVIII - A Parents Guide to Childhood Grief

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:55 GMT

My youngest grandson died one and a half years ago. His birth date was also his death date. This journey of being a survivor has not been an easy one. Although we were blessed with his birth, his eyes closed, and our hearts were broken.

His siblings, babies themselves, have had a rough go of it. At the time of his death, his older brother was only three years old and his sweet sister, only one. Initially, although we explained death to them, they did not understand what was going on. Over this past year and a half, they have come to realize more and more, the tragedy to their family.

I have learned many lessons through this experience, most of all, that I don’t like it. Being a surviving grandmother is painful to my soul, it is confusing to my mind, and above all else, it is an open wound that disrupts my happiness.

I don’t know how my daughter and son-in-law carry on. Their hearts carry a burden of grief that is crushingly invasive. They put on a strong face, but in times of silence, grief ebbs forward, and I can see their pain.

As my grandchildren grow physically, they also mature psychologically. Each day they learn and understand more about science, mathematics, the world around them, and yes, even death. My grandson, now five, understands more deeply his profound loss. He misses his little brother, particularly in the quiet moments of the day, and as he drifts off to sleep at night. When something wonderful happens, it is overshadowed because he understands that he is unable to share it with his baby brother.

He has become very watchful over his baby sister. He is protective and loving toward her. He doesn’t seek moments away from her, as some siblings do. He does not try to take his toys away from her when she is playing with them. He lovingly shares everything he has and every moment he can with her. He is a wonderful, loving, and compassionate big brother.

Little sister is now two. She misses her baby brother and speaks of him daily. She asks questions to understand better why he is not at home with them. She wants to share her moments with him, her toys, and her love. Watching my two grandchildren grow up without their little brother is heartbreaking.

I have learned so much about the way children grieve over this past year and a half. I have also learned that most adults, if not all, are ill-equipped to assist children who are surviving loss. Moreover, if the surviving child is the deceased child’s sibling, their parent(s) will most likely be lost in a tsunami of grief and utterly incapable of assisting the surviving child through the experience - especially at the onset. This is unacceptable. A person should never survive loss without understanding and assistance from others. This is most profoundly applicable to families who have lost children.

My life’s work is to comfort the bereaved and help them live on. This past year, I have realized that my mission has grown. The death of my grandson has shown me that my grandchildren need uniquely targeted recovery assistance as they mature through the stages of childhood development. Therefore, my life’s work has expanded to include helping adults understand that children need unique, targeted, and ongoing assistance through their years of development and growth.

I am a certified grief counselor. I have received extensive education on how humans grieve. A portion of my training has included the grieving processes of children. I understand the confusions of a grieving toddler, the struggles of a grieving preschooler, and the complexities of a grieving preadolescent/adolescent. Unfortunately, society does not recognize a child’s grief. Our culture validates our ignorance of the reality of their needs, and our fears render us ill-equipped to assist them through recovery.

My personal loss has broadened my knowledge of childhood grief beyond my formal education. I have learned through the sufferings of my grandchildren that children need assistance through each stage of development, not only at the onset but perhaps years beyond. As a child matures, he/she develops a more profound understanding of the realities of loss. Their deeper understanding brings on more complex psychological struggles, which, if left unattended, may result in negative consequences (physically and mentally) up to, and including, premature death or suicide. Their loss is relived at each stage of development, relative to his/her cognitive advancement. Therefore, recovery must be addressed and nurtured as the child’s mind matures, understands, and experiences - more realistically - the consequences of loss.

During loss, adults are grief-stricken. They are overwhelmed in fighting their struggles of grief while they seek recovery. Their consuming struggles leave their surviving children unattended at a time when support is crucial. Automatically, others will step in and see to the physical needs of minors. Sadly though, caregiving adults will most likely be unable to attend to the spiritual, psychological, and emotional needs of the surviving children. This situation leaves the door wide open for maladjustments. Intuitively, without grief support, a child will begin living in silence and fear resulting in devastating feelings of abandonment. Naturally, they will start seeking a significant person to whom they can become attached in order to preserve feelings of security, love, and acceptance. More times than not, these relationships significantly draw the attending adult away from his/her life’s responsibilities. Eventually, the attending adult must return his/her primary focus back to his/her responsibilities of work, duty, and survival. This necessary adjustment results in an abandonment of the surviving child. Unfortunately, the child’s future relationships will most likely adopt this debilitating template of dependency with a dysfunctional attachment/abandonment pattern.

As parents, we try to shield our children from the realities of grief; this is a disservice to them and quite impossible. As adults, our judgments are based on facts, so too are those made by children. We must be honest and deliver absolute truth to children based on their level of understanding. As their understanding expands, so too must the information upon which we deliver.

As parents, we are the role models for our children’s methods of mourning. We must not abandon them in their need for crucial support. We must allow them to ask questions about their thoughts, feelings, fears, and interpretations, as well as enable them to openly and honestly express their grief. If we fail to do so, their lives will be filled with debilitating anguish. They will most likely seek to either end their lives or inflict their pain on others. Neither scenario is fair to the child nor desired by their parent(s).

In expressing their grief, children must be allowed to ask questions with an expectation of respect and receiving a truthful reply. They must be enabled to display their sadness, cry, and express their anger and frustration. They must be assured of their security, and at all times, receive nurturing love and respect.

Unlike adulthood, childhood is the appropriate time for developing and mastering the skills of proper and respectful behavior. Therefore, an adult may find a surviving child in need of gentle guidance in anger and frustration management. This need does not justify punitive or disciplinary abuse. Additionally, under the pressures of grief recovery, the adult may find that their skills of anger and frustration management are somewhat compromised. If you find that you lack the necessary skills to control yourself or to gently assist the child, seeking professional guidance is essential. Immediately separate yourself from the child before you inflict any physical or psychological harm.

Many adults believe that children do not mourn, or that they may be shielded from death. This is untrue; it is a myth. Death is a part of life, and whether you like it or not, your children will experience it in varying degrees. Children mourn and need understanding, guidance, and assistance during recovery. In the event of familial or significant death, adults cannot shield children from their reality. Children will suffer grief regardless of our actions to spare them from it. We may, however, positively affect the outcome if we adequately address the occurrence. If we fail in this sacred calling, our children will suffer devastating adaptations and dangerous consequences.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:53 GMT

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary.

The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well.

Dear Friend,

February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish.

There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well.

Prayer

Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable.

Recounting my Experience

Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain.

Information

As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets.

Journaling

Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future.

I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure.

I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory.

I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side.

I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul.

With Deepest Regards,

Tracy Lee

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

His Better Half

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:52 GMT

I was directing a funeral service this past week for a local family, and a client from a previous service was in attendance. My previous client dropped back by the funeral home after the current services ended and we engaged in conversation. His wife, while living, was a dear friend of mine. We served on various boards together trying to create opportunities for culture and growth within our community. During our visit, my deceased friend’s husband made a very enlightening statement. I asked him if I might share it, and he assured me that sharing would be fine.

As we spoke, he articulated the adage that his wife was his “better half,” but through her death, he realized that she had been, and continues to be, so much more than just half of his existence. Without her by his side, he realized that his wife had made him better than he could ever have been on his own. In his soul, he knew that she had sustained his life, his love, his confidence, his comfort, his home, his profession, and his reasons for existence. Without her, every aspect of his life was adversely affected. Her death has affected his every need, experience, desire, memory, comfort, future, and happiness. He misses her every moment of every day. Currently, he is trying to rebuild his life without her support.

One's spouse is indeed more than half of who one is because as a couple, the two have morphed into one purpose and one intent. Most likely, a married couple has had children together, purchased property together, and merged their reputations and fortunes. These actions, along with a single purpose of goals and support, bring about a transformation of oneness.

Oneness is the goal of every married couple. Love motivates individuals toward marriage, whereby they merge their assets physically, emotionally, and psychologically. This is necessary for the most utopic atmosphere to exist for longevity, happiness, love, and offspring. My client had the privilege of accomplishing these much sought after marital goals.

It was interesting to spend a little time speaking with my deceased friend’s husband about their life together. I believe she would be happy to know that he loved her so completely. He feels so privileged in having been her husband, and although he misses her every moment of every day, his love for her continues to bring him comfort and peace.

My friend was a great woman in our community. She loved people and did all that she could to improve the lives of the underprivileged. She worked for community improvement and enrichment. Her efforts were successful and far-reaching. I am privileged to have known her not just as a philanthropist, but also as my dear friend.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Mikey Joe XX - Grandson Grief

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:51 GMT

I recently wrote an article about my grandson grieving his baby brother. My living grandson is now five years old. Had he lived, his baby brother would have been two years old next month. My living grandson assisted his father, and his grandfather, in closing his baby brother’s grave. Backfilling the grave, although an unusual task for a three-year-old, helped my grandson understand that his baby brother had passed away and that he would rest in tranquil peace on our Texas estate.

My daughter told me a few months back that her son has been displaying signs of intense grief. Intense grief is naturally experienced at the beginning of the grief cycle. To my daughter, however, It seems unusual and a bit concerning, that nearly two years later, her son is experiencing an increased intensity in his grief. I explained to my daughter, that as her son matures and more fully understands death, his grief will match his understanding. Thereby, grief in a child has the potential to grow in intensity as the child experiences and understands deeper, the facts of living and dying. Grief treats children unfairly.

I suggested that my daughter take my grandson to a psychologist, or grief specialist, as a precautionary effort, to give her peace of mind, and to verify that my impressions are correct. Earlier this week my grandson had his evaluation with a psychologist in Hawaii where he resides. After their evaluation period, the doctor invited my daughter in for a briefing. He stated that although my grandson suffers sadness, sadness is all that it is. He is not depressed, nor is there cause for concern. Sadness is the most experienced emotion suffered upon the death of a loved one.

GRIEF BRIEF 20

SADNESS

Sadness is the most common feeling experienced during bereavement.

Persons who block sadness with excessive activities find that their sadness surfaces one they are exhausted.

Exhaustion renders one less able to overcome the intensity of sadness.

(Mourning Light, 2016)

My grandson’s psychologist told my daughter that our plan of recovery for her son is working better than he had anticipated, and that she need not worry about her young son’s natural sadness. In due time, his doctor believes that his understanding of life will allow him to tuck his tiny brother into a peaceful place in his loving heart.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was upon hearing my grandson’s doctor’s evaluation. Out of curiosity, the doctor asked my grandson to draw a picture of his family without promptings from any of us. Yesterday, my young grandson drew his beautiful interpretation of his family. His father and sister are standing between him and his mother. Their arms were extended out toward each other as if they are holding hands. He was quick to point out that they were all smiling and happy together. He had a little surprise for his mother though. He flipped the paper over, and on the backside, there was a large heart with a man and two little boys. He told his mother that he drew the big heart to show his family’s love for his two little brothers walking with Jesus. Again, he was quick to point out, that their faces glowed with big smiles and that their arms were extended to hold hands. You see, prior to my living grandson’s birth, his father’s first wife miscarried their son. Therefore, my grandson has lost an older brother as well.

I am comforted by the doctor’s evaluation of my grandson’s grief journey. It is hard to be so far away from my daughter, and her dear family, while they suffer through the recovery of their lost boys. I love them all so dearly.

Recovery has been overwhelming for me as well. Losing my grandson has been the most excruciating experience of my life. I did not expect it to be so emotionally devastating - nor did I expect my heart to remain broken so many years later. But, love never dies; I would not want it to. Instead, love burns a hole deep in my soul, and yearning has become a part of my existence.

I miss my grandson so much, that more than my heart aches. Every cell of my being weeps from the pain of existing without him.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

US Veteran Suicide Rates

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:49 GMT

US veteran males are twice as likely to commit suicide than US non-veteran males. Conversely, US veteran males die of natural causes at the same rate as US non-Veteran males. (Suicide among Male Veterans: A Prospective Population-based Study, Jnl of Epidemiology & Community Health, 2007) Over the past 13 years, male veteran suicide rates have increased by 29.7 percent.

US veteran females are 250 percent more likely to commit suicide than US non-veteran females as presented in the “Veteran Suicide Statistics by State, 2017” report issued through the US Department of Veterans Affairs. Over the last 13 years, suicide rates among female veterans have increased by 62.4 percent.

In 2019, the US Government dropped its US Veteran suicide rate from 22-per-day down to 17-per-day. Unfortunately, the rate of suicides among veterans did not decrease during that time frame. In order to achieve statistical improvement and hone in on exact auxiliary numbers, the consideration factors have been divided into segments. The VA’s Annual National Veteran Suicide Prevention Report included data from 2017. (Military Times, October 2019)

In 2017, more than 6,100 veterans died by suicide, an increase of 2 percent over the previous year. Of these deaths, firearms accounted for 70.7 percent of male veteran suicide deaths compared to 53 percent for non-veteran males, and 41.2 percent of female veteran suicide deaths compared to 32.4 percent for non-veteran females. (Military.com, September 2019) Alarmingly, the Department of Veterans Affairs report shows that at least 60,000 veterans died by suicide between 2008 and 2017.

The reported decline in statistics was achieved when the VA removed former National Guard and Reserve members who were never federally activated from consideration. National Guard and Reserve members who were never federally activated suffered 2.5 deaths per day claiming a considerable 12.4 percent of all military suicides in 2017. The statistic was also adjusted to exclude active duty service members. (Stars and Stripes, September 2019)

Outside experts note that in the exploration of suicide markers, both men and women suffer post-traumatic stress disorder. Additionally, females may develop an additional disorder directly related to their sex, Military Sexual Trauma (MST). Women who were exposed to sexual harassment during their service are twice as likely to commit suicide than are other female veterans. (Jnl of Emergency and Trauma Care, Why are Veterans Increasingly Committing Suicide, January 2019)

A federal investigation found that money and effort expended by the VA on suicide prevention outreach dropped significantly in 2017 and 2018. Moreover, the Government Accountability Office reported that the VA left nearly $5 million sitting unused in its suicide prevention outreach budget last year. In their defense, the agency claims there have been significant improvements in their program.

As a funeral director, I find these numbers and claims to be 100 percent appalling. With such high suicide rates certified through VA reports, I am unable to understand how nearly $5 million dollars sat in an account unapplied toward preventative programs. In my opinion, every community within the confines of US borders, and every country benefiting from US service members risking and losing their lives, owes a debt of not only gratitude but caregiving, toward US veterans.

It has always been said that if you want to really mess things up, invite the government to regulate, implement, oversee, or fund your project. It, therefore, seems obvious, that with these horrendous facts staring us in the face, it is time for the government to step aside, and for Americans to step up and help our US veterans survive. The government has obviously failed at the task.

Not one more US veteran should suffer hopelessness, homelessness, hunger, fear, isolation, assault, depression, poverty, lack of medical care, substandard medical care, or abuse. Not one more!

There are a number of celebrities who lend their time, talent, fortunes, and celebrity to improve the lives of US Vets. May God bless them! There are also celebrities who use their time, talent, fortunes, and celebrity to tear US Vets, and our country down. May God smite them!

I implore you to reach into your heart and extend your soul to improving the lives of US service members and veterans. They’ve done it for you, now it’s your turn to do it for them.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, contact the Veterans Crisis Line to receive free, confidential support and crisis intervention available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, text to 838255, or chat online at VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat.

God Bless America and God Bless the American Veteran, please.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Lady Bug

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:48 GMT

Our family suffered two deaths this week. One was my husband’s mother, the other was our beloved schnauzer of 16 years, Lady Bug.

My husband’s mother died Sunday morning and the next morning, my husband left for Savanah Georgia. He drove our van because he transported her casket with him.

Wednesday morning Lady Bug woke up not feeling very well. After about two hours, I knew something was desperately wrong. I wrapped her in a purple beach towel and drove to the veterinary clinic in Texarkana TX.

The veterinarian was concerned with Lady's symptoms, so she ordered x-rays. Through her evaluation, she determined that Lady Bug was suffering from congestive heart failure. An i.v. was placed in Lady Bug’s front right leg and she was placed in an oxygen tent. Sadly, she needed to stay the night in the pet hospital.

The next morning I drove back to the veterinary clinic to check on our little Lady Bug. She was refusing food and not doing as well as we had hoped. I spent a few hours with her, but the veterinarian said that she needed rest, so I had to leave her over-night again at the animal hospital.

Friday morning, I drove to the pet hospital again. Lady was still in distress, so I face-timed my daughter, Heather, to see if she could tempt Lady into eating. She coaxed and coaxed her sweet pet, but Lady would not be tempted. Instead, Lady reached for the phone and placed her sweet little paw on the glass to express her love and devotion to her dearest friend. This innocent gesture of love, from pet to master, caused tears to stream down my cheeks, Heather's cheeks, and Lady Bug's cheeks.

The vet wanted Lady Bug to stay a few more hours and for me to return after work with a selection of treats to tempt her into eating. I went back to work and as soon as I could, I returned to Texarkana to see if Lady Bug would eat her favorite treats.

At that time, Lady seemed to be doing much better. She was very happy to see me. She came forward in the oxygen tent and placed her front paws around my neck and laid her chin on my shoulder. She gave me a sweet hug and looking directly into my soul, Lady Bug's beautiful dark eyes expressed fear and yearning. She didn't want to let go. I didn't want to leave her. We were only allotted five minutes because the hospital was closing to visitors.

The vet expressed confidence that Lady would recover, however, as she would not eat, she needed to stay another night at the hospital. I kissed Lady Bug good night and sadly, returned home without her.

My husband returned home late that evening. He was very anxious to see Lady Bug, so the following morning, he drove to Texarkana while I went to direct a funeral. When he arrived, Lady Bug was not doing well at all. She was so happy to see him, but she could not muster the energy to do anything but lay her head on his arm. Twenty minutes later, Lady fell into peaceful rest, nestled in the arms of a man writhing in grief.

Our family is heartbroken. We had Lady Bug with us for 16 years. She survived numerous surgeries and stage 4 breast cancer. She was the dearest pet and loved us all so much.

Our youngest daughter, Heather, and Lady were companions; they were best friends. Heather is so sad. She is away at college, and losing her Lady Bug has been very stressful and heart wrenching for her. Losing Lady has affected all of us with deep emotional pain.

Grief is grief no matter who has died. The loss of a pet is no less significant than any other loss. Your level of attachment and love for your pet, will determine your level of grief. Our family is mourning the death of two loved ones this week and will continue our bereavement for quite some time.

We have another pet. Her name is Butter. Butter is a toy poodle. Butter and Lady Bug were playmates. Butter does not understand where Lady Bug has gone. She is lonely and sad. Since Lady's death, Butter has stopped eating.

Butter will help us recover from our loss of Lady Bug, but we must help her as well. It is our obligation to assist her to overcome the grief that she does not understand, but that has begun to grip her heart. She will require additional love and attention to replace the love and companionship that she has lost with Lady’s death. She is a sweet puppy and will bring us great comfort as we journey through our loss together.

Lady Bug Lee

January 2004 - January 2020

Miniature Schnauzer

Lady Bug Lee, born January 14, 2004, in Ogden UT, passed from this life Saturday, January 25, 2020, after a brief hospital stay at Wisdom Veterinary Clinic, in Texarkana TX. She was 16 years old.

Lady is survived by her lifelong companion and best friend, Heather Lee of Rexburg ID, G. Michael and Tracy Lee of Queen City TX, and Holly Lee Arnot of Ewa Beach HI.

Lady was purchased as a childhood companion for Heather Lee at a pet store in Ogden Utah as the Lee family embarked on new adventures and new careers. She traveled across the United States touring various states and historical sites. Through it all, Lady was kindly tempered, loving and attentive to Heather and friendly to others. Lady was well mannered. She always had a protective eye out for Heather and she always acted with dignity.

Lady was perfection.

Lady will be cremated under the direction of Wisdom Animal Clinic of Texarkana TX.

The Lee family would like to thank Dr. Parris, DVM of Wisdom Animal Clinic for the caring environment in which Lady spent her final days. We also appreciate the allowances made to our family to be afforded time with Lady as we said goodbye to our dearly loved family member.

Beloved pets are with us but for a short time, however; their love and influence motivate our hearts and change our world to one that is more tenderly receptive and accepting of others.

Lady Bug Lee

Loved and Remembered Everyday

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Helping Children Grieve II

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:47 GMT

When a death occurs, curious children are naturally curious. At the onset, they want information. The information delivered to them must be truthful and delivered on each child’s level of understanding. In order for children to feel safe during a time of loss, we must give them the information they seek.

FOUR GRIEF REVORY TASKS FOR CHILDREN

TASK ONE: CHILDREN MUST Understand THE DEFINITION OF DEATH

Without an understanding of the definition of death, a child will not be able to decipher what has happened to their loved one. Without this knowledge, the child will remain confused and in a continual state of fear, confusion, and agitation. The child will want to know what has happened to their loved one, how the death happened, and why it happened.

Adults should use correct language surrounding death. For example, one should say death rather than loss or sleeping. Although it may seem kinder to use softer words, these words do not encourage understanding. Telling a child that a loved one has been lost might confuse the child and cause him/her to search for the loved one. Telling a child that a loved one is sleeping or resting, might cause him/her to try to wake the decedent up. Elusive terms might make this conversation easier on the adult, however, it will cause great confusion for the child.

Children use magical thinking to rationalize death. Their reasoning to justify or make sense of the death is often unrealistic. A child might hear a derogatory comment about the medical staff at the hospital where their loved one died, and from that time forward, be terrified that getting a shot might kill them. Adults must be aware of the effects brought on by their comments surrounding death in front of children.

TASK TWO: CHILDREN MUST GRIEVE OR EXPERIENCE THE PAIN OF LOSS

A child’s level of suffering is dependent upon their level of attachment to the decedent. The suddenness or anticipatory nature of the death, as well as the child’s developmental stage will affect their grief recovery needs. Children will grieve and re-grieve their loss as they grow and more fully understand death and its consequences. Although adults should not hide their grief experience from children, they should be aware that children are not psychologically mature and that intense grief can frighten and damage children. Adults need to be responsible stewards of children witnessing death and experiencing grief.

TASK THREE: CHILDREN MUST BE ALLOWED TO COMMEMORATE THEIR LOVED ONE

Commemorating a loved one helps children process the reality of death. It is a vehicle for expressing, understanding, and working through the experience of loss, and moves a child in a more healthy grief recovery scenario. It assists the child in remembering their loved one and valuing their shared experiences. It presents the reality that death has occurred and facilitates the movement toward memorialization.

Although a child should never be coerced to attend final services, should they express a desire to attend, a parent or trusted adult should explain the rituals associated with burying or cremating a decedent. Explanations should be kept short and age-appropriate. Adults should be aware of their own beliefs regarding the physical and spiritual consequences of death before engaging in the narrative. Children should be allowed to ask any questions they have, to comfort them and calm their fears, with the expectation of honest and sincere answers.

Establishing new traditions or embracing existing ones is a good method for moving children toward recovery.

TASK FOUR: GRIEF RECOVERY

Recovery involves the transformation of excruciating pain into loving and treasured memories. The depth of a child’s relationship with the decedent will determine the length of his/her adjustment. Children who do not receive grief recovery assistance rarely resolve their grief. In such scenarios, children with unresolved grief, as well as those asked not to express their grief, generally suffer persistent nightmares, sleeping and eating disorders, a decline in school performance, depression, suicidal tendencies, physical ailments, and emotional and psychological disorders throughout the remainder of their lives. These consequences are dangerous, debilitating, and life-threatening.

No one considers these consequences for children as acceptable, however, in the case of significant loss, a parent often finds him or herself in a state of emotional distress. Such distress often renders a surviving parent incapable of delivering the level of care needed by their child. Therefore, as a grief counselor, I suggest that a carefully vetted and deeply trusted friend, relative, clergy person, or certified grief counselor be enlisted to help grief-stricken children in their recovery experience. I do not suggest that you turn your children over to someone without monitoring and actively engaging in their recovery process; however, until you are able to regain your emotional strength, an assistant is a blessing for both you and your child. I call this trusted person a “Grief Caregiver.”

GRIEF CAREGIVERS FOR CHILDREN

A Grief Caregiver should have a clear understanding of their role and responsibilities regarding their relationship and duties toward your child. They need to understand your beliefs and boundaries and respect them at all times. Your child’s safety; physically, emotionally, and psychologically should always be paramount. The person accepting this responsibility should observe the following three goals.

THREE FUNCTIONS OF GRIEF CAREGIVERS FOR CHILDREN

Foster a safe, open, and honest relationship with the child.

Provide a safe and secure space in which the child can explore and understand death and grief recovery.

Explain and display appropriate methods for healthy grief recovery.

Grief for children is a serious experience with serious consequences. Without proper recovery assistance, your child may suffer grief-related ailments for the remainder of his/her life.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

My Friend Alice

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:45 GMT

I received a call early this morning, it was a friend of mine. She said her sister had died and needed me to come to pick her up. I usually don’t accompany first calls anymore. I have staff members who are responsible for that task. I spend most of my time working with the family, planning their services or finalizing the details, and directing their wishes for burial services or cremation.

My friend is so dear to me though, that my husband and I accompanied our staff to Alice’s house to comfort her and see to every detail for her. Alice used to own a store in town, and when my mother and aunt lived here, Alice’s store was their favorite place to shop. Mostly they liked Alice, but she also had some good shopping for them, and they enjoyed their time visiting with her.

Alice is a woman who is dedicated to others. She is too elderly to work her shop anymore, so she has sold it. The new vendor is a sign shop, so unless you need a sign, shopping is Alice’s old store is no longer very appealing.

Alice is a woman who serves others. Even though she now uses a walker, Alice continues to serve others who are weaker than herself. She serves them through physical, emotional, and psychological support. She is an amazing woman, and I am very honored that we are friends.

Alice is a woman who understands business. She is always willing to share her knowledge with anyone who is opening a business, or who owns a business that might need some fine-tuning. She is a wealth of information and kindness.

As I entered Alice’s home, I noticed it was full of very reverent and polite family members. It was spotless, large, and inviting. It is located on a very prominent hill leading into town with a beautiful and well-maintained landscape. I have admired her home as my favorite ever since I moved back to Texas. I often wonder how she keeps that steep hill so well-groomed.

When I arrived at Alice's home, she invited me into the bedroom where her sweet sister was lying. She wanted to show me how angelic Mary L. looked, and how she had placed her hand over her heart as she took her last breath. It was a serene and heavenly scene. One that touched my heart very deeply. Alice leaned forward and kissed her sister’s forehead. As she did she began to sob over the loss of her dear sister. Alice's love and devotion were openly and honestly displayed.

This is not the first funeral that Alice has asked me to direct for her. We have a history together. Alice loves deeply and very sweetly. Her love is epic, her care is impeccable, and Alice expects nothing less from me.

God has blessed me with a friend who is a virtuous woman (Proverbs 31: 10-31), and I thank Him for her.

Alice assured me that she knew I would be praying for her tonight. She was right. I pray for her often. A person like Alice doesn’t just walk into your life every day. When she does, your knees should hit the carpet and your appreciation should rise toward heaven.

I will do all that I can over the next week to ensure that Alice’s wishes are closely followed for her sister's burial. I am honored to carry out the task. I will keep in close contact with Alice over the next year to ensure that she is recovering from her loss. She deserves that. She has suffered other significant losses and she may need support over this one.

I love Alice. I am thankful for her friendship, kindness, and influence in my life. She has shown me how one shares the blessings of grace, labor, and charity (1Cor 13:13) with others. My friend Alice is a gift from heaven. She is a blessing greater than rubies and I treasure every moment that I have with her.

I hope you have a friend like Alice. Everyone deserves to have an Alice to bless them and to emulate. Even those who are difficult and unkind deserve the love and peaceful calmness she brings their way.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Factors for Grief Recovery

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:43 GMT

Grief is the natural pain one experiences upon the death of a loved one. It is not an invisible virus floating on puffs of air. It is not transmitted through droplet spray nor by touching contaminated surfaces. Grief is brought on when one is robbed permanently of the physical presence of a human being who has significantly participated in his/her life and who has deeply touched his/her soul.

Death is not the ultimate adversity. It takes from us of that which we desire most, the physical presence of our loved one; a person upon whom we rely, and someone with whom our life is intertwined.

The pain inflicted upon us at the death of this significant person is natural, excruciating (in some cases debilitating), and very real.

Upon significant loss, what does one draw upon for strength and recovery?

Some may turn to their primary care physician for medical assistance. This seems logical, however, grief is not a medical condition. This enormous fact thereby renders a physician of medical arts largely ineffective. A medical doctor will, in most circumstances, prescribe medicine to act upon his patient’s ailments. Medicine acts upon physiological ailments. Grief may cause physiological ailments, however, grief is the underlying cause, not the ailment itself. Therefore, medicine may act upon the ailments brought on by grief, however, the underlying cause of the ailments remains. If the underlying cause, grief, remains unresolved, the survivor will again realize recurring physiological ailments.

Some survivors may turn to a mental health practitioner. “An estimated twenty percent of survivors receiving mental health treatment suffer undiagnosed complicated grief. Research proves that treatment for depression is far less effective for grief recovery than grief therapy.” (Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)

Normal grief brings on natural pain. “Sadness is the most common feeling experienced during grief.” (Mourning Light I, 2016) Sadness is not depression.

Grief Brief 291

Depression

Depression is not a normal part of grief; it is a complication that interferes with recovery and raises the risk of serious illness.

Depression can be distinguished by trained counselors by looking for specific emotional patterns.

Survivors experiencing normal grief usually retain their self-esteem, sense of humor, and their capacity to be consoled or distracted from the pain.

Depression evokes internal struggles of guilt and worthlessness, as well as limiting one’s ability to experience or anticipate pleasure or joy.

Depression is dangerous and should be treated by a mental health physician. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

“Normal grief does not warrant the use of anti-depressants. Anti-depressants cannot treat the underlying cause of grief which is loss. Anti-depressants delay the mourning process and encourage complicated grief to materialize.” (Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH) Ten to fifteen percent of the world’s population suffer problematic loss adaptation and experience elusive recovery. With those odds, increasing your probability of joining that group by taking anti-depressants is not advisable.

Again, we see that treatment focused on the wrong diagnosis, one other than grief, does not yield the desired result of recovery.

By now, you may be wondering if there is any assistance at all for grief recovery. Fortunately, there is. The good news is that 85% of mourners do not require grief recovery assistance. Even though recovery is long-suffering, most mourners recover just fine on their own.

There are things that you can do to assist yourself as you embark on this journey and they are rather simple tasks. Before I list them, however, I want you to know this one very important fact. “The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry.” (Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH) Human beings are naturally social creatures. Therefore, isolation renders us less effective and increases the negative aspects of whatever we are suffering.

Factors That Help Recovery

Allow yourself ample time to experience your innermost thoughts and feelings.

Express your feelings openly or write them in your journal.

Allow yourself time to cry.

Crying provides stress relief.

Confide in a trusted friend or person about your loss experience.

Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings.

Find bereavement groups where others have had similar losses.

Seek professional help if feelings become overwhelming.

(Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)

While these factors assist your recovery, there are things to watch out for too.

Factors That Hinder Recovery

Overworking oneself

Abusing drugs, alcohol, or other substances

Compulsive behavior

Avoiding emotions

Minimizing feelings

(Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)

While these two lists contain tried and true assistive methods for promoting grief healing, as well as warning signs to steer clear of, there will be additional things you can do to help yourself. These things will be particular to your life and personality. They are things that only you know exist. You must rely upon your intuition and call upon the things that you know will bring you comfort and peace. There may be tokens of affection, shared with your loved one, that bring you comfort, or words spoken between you that bring you solace.

Utilize every possible advantage that you have to overcome your sorrow with shameless vigor.

Grief is indeed the price we pay for loving others so deeply. Love is a priceless, spiritual gift, bestowed upon us from our great Creator.

Our physical existence is temporary, but love, like our souls, is eternal. Realizing this spiritual truth gives us hope of reuniting with our loved ones who have gone on before us. That day of reunion will be glorious and filled with unimaginable happiness.

Rejoining our loved ones will erase our separation anxieties taking with it, the grief that lies unsettled within our souls. At that point, we will endure another separation, the separation from those whom we leave behind. We will wait though, with great anticipation, for our dear ones to join us there, to reunite, and make our families whole.

Love is the greatest power on earth. It creates a bond that cannot be broken without our willingness and consent. It is holy and spiritual. Divine spiritual love welds us together and creates our families. The bonds of spiritual love are eternal. They do not disappear upon the death of those whom we love.

Death is not the end, it is not the ultimate adversity. Christ’s charity loosed the bonds of the grave allowing us to reunite with those whom we love - our family members and God himself. His pure love is the counter agent that we seek, and we all have that spiritual gift if we will cultivate it and protect it.

Neither drugs, doctor’s orders, crazy behaviors, nor dulling or excessive distractors will remedy the natural pain of grief. Christ’s divinely bestowed selfless love is the golden elixir. Share the divinity of spiritual love with others and see your happiness grow exponentially. And, on that glorious day when your soul is at peace, remember, it was Christ’s gift of love - his atoning sacrifice - that has saved you.

As we approach the Easter Season, I pray for everyone who grieves to receive Christ’s healing powers through his divine gift of selfless love.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Mikey Joe XXI - Grief Busters

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:42 GMT

Upon the loss of a significant loved one, grief is the natural pain that fills our souls with sadness and renders us significantly less efficient in every aspect of life. With this in mind, it is paramount to understand that you possess the power to overcome grief. Indeed, you owe it to yourself, as well as those who love you, to do so. If you do not overcome your grief, you will be riddled with debilitating illnesses and devastating unhappiness. In fact, not overcoming your grief may prematurely end your life.

There are simple things that you can do to overcome grief. Today, however, I want to share three secrets that I call “The Three Grief Busters.” “The Three Grief Busters” will naturally propel you closer to recovery, substantially cut through your inefficiencies and debilitations, and release you to feel and experience love and happiness again. I have made many observations through my work as a Certified Grief Counselor, and time and time again, patients who have utilized “The Three Grief Busters” have by far, been the most successful in obtaining the relief they seek.

GRIEF BUSTER I

The first key to recovery is to DECIDE TO RECOVER. (Mourning Light III, 2019) A decision is a commitment. In this case, your commitment is to yourself. Be brave, accept personal accountability, and refuse to waiver.

Have you ever met an Olympic Gold medalist? Even if you haven’t, you know that Olympic Gold Medalists are driven. They refuse to give up. They force themselves beyond the pain of their goals. You can do this too. Use your pain to motivate you to overcome it. Push yourself beyond it. Although others can make your journey easier, you alone must accept this challenge and accomplish your recovery goal.

GRIEF BUSTER II

For many, Grief Buster II is the toughest to implement. Grief wedges unparalleled pain into the depths of your soul and sometimes you feel overwhelmed; as though you are drowning while still breathing. Grief Buster II is PRAYER.

Praying to overcome what feels insurmountable may seem counterintuitive, however, that is the precise purpose of prayer – to give us the power to overcome what is humanly impossible. Perhaps you are unable to comprehend how praying could render any assistance in wiping out the worst experience of your life. After all, praying will not bring your loved one back.

Although you may hate feeling such deep sorrow, you may not be sure that you will ever be capable of feeling, or even want to feel, anything else. You may wonder if feeling happy again might be disrespectful, evil, or even possible.

Perhaps you feel as though you are now a different person and that you can never go back to who you were before, or to the life you had before. Your faith may also be faltering. You may not feel the presence, nor desire the presence, of God in your life at this time.

All of these insecurities are natural consequences of suffering grief. Grief wounds us so deeply that everything we know, or think we know, is called into question; including ourselves, our purpose, our path, and our faith.

Upon the death of my sweet grandson, Mikey Joe, I suffered these exact symptoms. I suffered debilitating pain and total confusion. I was vulnerable and easily crushed by those who probably had no idea that their words or actions caused me obliterating pain, crushing insecurities, bewildering confusion, and confining isolation. However, as I had seen the miracle of prayer work for so many of my clients, I was determined to apply it. I needed to bring myself back to a place where I could function for my children and grandchildren. I had responsibilities to the bank, my clients, my friends, my employees, and my community. Additionally, I had a responsibility to myself, and to God, to accomplish the goals upon which I had embarked, and upon which so many others relied. I was determined to utilize prayer because I had witnessed its miracle change the lives of so many, and I really wanted that for myself. And, ya know what, against all odds, God’s miracle worked for me.

GREIF BUSTER III

The third Grief Buster is within everyone’s grasp. The third Grief Buster is to call upon and utilize our MEMORIES.

Memories are our innermost private captions of the life we shared with our loved one. Upon a loved one’s death, memories become etched in our personalities and contribute to who we are. They are the strings that link our souls together.

While death changes the nature of our relationships with our decedents, memories block death’s disruption to our connections with them. Memories are intangible pictures residing in our souls. We must utilize them for our comfort and recovery. Memories reflect our abiding love for our decedent directly into our souls as we remodel our lives and live without their physical presence. Not all memories are happy or pleasant, and in such circumstances, these memories need resolving. Some may require intervention, however, survivors can usually rectify these issues themselves.

Grief Brief 324

Memories 1

Memories are what connect us to ourselves and to others.

Some memories are sweet and others not so much.

Upon the death of a loved one, it is necessary to reconfigure our memories.

Our deceased loved one is no longer a living participant in our lives and must now become a loving and treasured memory.

Failure to reconfigure our loved one’s participation in our life as a memory will confuse our hearts and prolong our heartache.

Reconfiguring our loved one into a loving and treasured memory will deepen and purify our bonds with them. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

If you are in the throes of grief, I hope you will apply “The Three Grief Busters.” They work! I know this because I have seen their magic thousands of times. I offer my witness to their power through applied application to my own grief. In doing so, I have experienced their miraculous healing powers. Without them, I would not have survived the anguish suffered upon the loss of my grandson, witnessing the pain suffered by his devoted mother, nor the wretched torture unwittingly bestowed upon me by others within my family, my circle of friends, and my acquaintances.

“The Three Grief Busters” are simple and available to everyone; free of charge. They are powerful weapons against the pain of grief. These grief busting applications cannot be sold because they are spiritual gifts. They are available to every individual who desires them. They are held within your soul.

I wish so intensely that death were not a part of life, however, that fact cannot be changed. All we can do is commit to what is best in life, accomplish our purpose, assist others, and carry on.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Grief Recovery Milestones I - Funeral Week

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:40 GMT

Last week I assisted two families in laying their loved ones to rest. As I was working with the widow of the first family, I noticed that she was particularly dismayed. She seemed frail and commented several times that she just did not know how she would survive without her husband.

As we worked through the details of her service, I asked her if she felt alright. She said, “No, but how else would one feel after finding her husband deceased on the floor?” I spoke with her about taking care of herself and asked her if she took medications.

She answered that she did. Upon further questioning, I discovered that she had failed to take her prescribed medications on this particular morning.

Over the next few days, my concern for her deepened. By the end of the week, she found herself admitted into the hospital. She had suffered a severe heart attack.

The second family came into the funeral home later on in the day. I was again on high alert as the matriarch of the family seemed very dismayed. As the next few days passed, my concern transferred to her brother. On the evening of their loved one’s visitation, I received a call to her brother’s home.

A second death had occurred within their family, and my services were needed.

The point I am presenting in this article is that your health is compromised when you are bereft.

GB 304

Grief Recovery Milestones – Funeral Week

During the first week after suffering the death of a significant loved-one, a survivor’s emotional, psychological, and physical needs must be monitored and attended to.

If the survivor displays signals that they are unable to attend themselves, perhaps a trusted relative or friend might step up to the task.

The extreme stress caused by the death of a significant loved one allows the mind to suspend its acuity in an effort to avoid loss of sanity and even the survivor’s death.

This suspension of mental acuity allows the survivor to function to a lesser degree in order to stave off the shock instinct brought on through extreme pain and suffering.

Some have labeled this a task called denial. I, however, label it a response called survival.

You will hear survivors comment that the days surrounding the death are hazy or that they feel as though they existed in a fog. This is a natural survival technique employed by the mind to preserve and sustain one’s life.

In this state of mind, the survivor functions with the assistance of others. He/she walks almost blindly through the tasks of laying their loved one to rest.

The physical functions of the body may also be sluggish, nevertheless, extreme caution must be taken to ensure that life does not escape the survivor. Food, water, medications, and rest MUST NOT BE SUSPENDED or the survivor may indeed perish.

A tracking journal for recently bereaved survivors can be a lifesaver. Proper use allows the survivor to record their actions and helps their assistants keep track of their needs.

The fog of grief will render a survivor incapable of remembering among other things, whether or not they have eaten today, or whether or not they have taken life-sustaining medications. Sometimes rather than skipping medications, a survivor may not remember taking their dose.

At this juncture, double-dosing may become a reality. Both scenarios can be equally life-threatening.

The primary goal of funeral week for a survivor is to survive.

(Mourning Light III, 2019)

Although none of us wants to admit it, the death of a loved one can cause our own death if we are not mindful of our health. We may push forward with a stiff upper lip, but to what end? If stubbornness, or a façade of strength, causes us to die, who has benefited? No one has benefited. Indeed, these actions only compound the pain and sorrow of those whom we love.

If you have read these words, please take them to heart. When you suffer a death, please do not allow it to cause your death as well.

Take the time to manage your health and your well-being. Allow others to assist you through the swirling waters of funeral week and to serve you in the weeks and months ahead. Losing a significant loved one is not easy and regardless of your 3 day FMLA allowance, recovery takes significant effort and significant time.

Please be vigilant in preserving your own life when suffering the loss of another’s.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Grief Recovery Milestones II - Weeks Two and Three

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:38 GMT

After funeral week has passed, the survivor now enters an unfamiliar and most unwelcome phase of grief recovery. The events of the next two weeks are, in general, painfully undesirable to the survivor.

It is a time of dreadful realizations and issues pulling the survivor into a new world that does not include their loved one, nor the conveniences, companionship, or support he or she provided.

GB 305

Grief Recovery Milestones II

Enduring Weeks Two and Three

Weeks two and three see one’s reality returning into focus.

The survivor begins to feel the extreme pain of their loss.

Some have labeled this a task called acceptance. I, however, label it an inhospitable awakening.

The survivor begins to understand that he/she must now survive without the companionship of his/her loved one.

They may be under extreme financial pressures without sufficient means to support themselves or their dependents.

They may be in danger of losing their home in the very near future.

They may realize a change in their social standing within the community.

They may become very afraid, realize the emergence of phobias, and react with fight or flight to any given situation.

On top of this, as their mental acuity is returning, they may feel suffocated by well-wishers.

They may be unable to obtain privacy or a quiet moment to work things out in their minds.

Some survivors may become overly dependent upon their well-wishers with an overwhelming fear of being left alone.

In either case, the pendulum is swinging in a wide pattern and the survivor remains unsettled.

Well-wishers are wonderful and needed at this juncture as the survivor likely remains unable to tend to his/her responsibilities sufficiently.

Realistically, most survivors, whether they realize it or not, remain dependent on their well-wishers. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Weeks two and three see the survivor’s house filled with friends, family, medical personnel, and others. The survivor is realizing that things are unusually stressful and begins worrying about the mortgage and other bills that are by now due, or soon becoming due.

The survivor may feel insecure as their identity may be shattered and their income may be disrupted or unstable. Organizing one’s mind and finances is practically impossible at this time as the reality of pain and sorrow has filled every aspect of the survivor’s being.

A trusted friend or relative, capable of organizing, prioritizing, and advising, is a gift of strength and comfort to the survivor. This task is a serious one and should not be taken lightly. If you are this advisor, your suggestions may deeply affect the recovery and standard of living in which the survivor will now exist. Be sure that your actions are sound with the survivor’s future in mind.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Grief Recovery Milestones III - Surviving Weeks Four through Eight

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:37 GMT

After living through funeral week and enduring the two weeks of company and well-wishers that follow, the survivor may think they are ready for a break from social supporters.

Unfortunately, the lack of social support makes weeks four through eight some of the toughest the survivor will experience.

These particular weeks are wrought with difficulties. Loneliness increases, irritation increases, pain increases, and just about everything else that is unwelcome increases. It is during these four weeks that the survivor must begin the decisive restructuring of his/her life.

The key step to recovery is to decide to recover. (Grief Brief 208, Mourning Light III, 2019) At this point, the survivor has no viable alternative other than to begin the battle of recovery. Should the survivor choose otherwise, the ensuing lack of forward movement will result in increased anguish and suffocating solitude. These results will lead the survivor toward a complicated grief experience.

Such results are not healthy nor desirable.

These next four weeks will propel the survivor into depths of anguish never before realized. This excruciating pain is what motivates us to reach toward recovery. Without it, we would sit mindlessly sad, sheltered in our homes cut off from all others, until one day that sadness would be our life’s end. How fortunate for us that the miracle of unbearable pain motivates us to change.

Before we realize it, we have begun overcoming our deficiencies. As we work through learning new skill sets, we realize that we are suddenly able to do more than we thought possible. Pain and dire circumstances are powerful motivators, they are not however, the answer to all of our woes. Although we may be able to do more for ourselves, we must psychologically accept and commit ourselves to consciously desiring and actively seeking recovery.

GRIEF BRIEF 306

Grief Recovery Milestones – Survive weeks four through eight

The beginning of week four usually marks the exodus of most well-wishers.

Fewer people call to check on the survivor and even fewer drop by.

Suddenly, that house full of people who may have begun grating on the survivor’s nerves may now be eerily quiet as one faces alone the reality of horrifying grief.

At this juncture, the survivor begins to understand the severity of his/her situation.

Some call this task Grief Work. I call it Self-Will Realignment.

Due to their discomfort, family and friends spend fewer minutes visiting with the survivor. They want the survivor to move on and get back to normal. They do not understand that this is not yet possible.

Against their will, the survivor is forced into an undesired reality. Forced change is difficult to swallow. Without the assistance of the one whom you love most in life and with whom you have established your existence, undesired change can be very elusive. Nevertheless, the fact remains that in order to progress, you must change not only your actions but your will as well.

During these four weeks of change, a survivor will begin experiencing irritations as he/she now must develop a new skill set that their loved one may have previously provided. This irritation easily slips into anger. Anger may be followed by guilt. Guilt compounds the difficulties of recovery.

Nevertheless, these four weeks heavy with sadness, loneliness, and fear, bring on the toughest month ever lived. They are the gateway to realizing and realigning one’s will for recovery. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

During these four weeks, survivors may resent those who stay away or avoid them. They may also resent those who come by and visit.

It is a time filled with discontent and confusion, and a multitude of conflicting emotions and thoughts. The survivor often vacillates between moving forward and falling backward. Although the survivor may not realize it, decisive action, companionship, and a good mental attitude are essential for their will to realign and move them along the path of a healthy recovery.

Grief Brief 83

Grief Recovery Success

Success in moving through grief depends on your willingness to recover.

If you are the type of person that enjoys or thrives on being a victim, you will most likely travel very slowly through recovery.

You must decide that you want to recover, that you are willing to move your loved one into a memory, and that you are going to overcome your heartache.

Without these decisions, you will remain trapped within your recurring grief cycle indefinitely. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

I suggest exploring your options. Check out support groups, find a grief buddy (a friend, acquaintance, or family member who has experienced and recovered from loss, and who is willing to guide you through positive recovery), or if you prefer a more quiet approach, visit with a grief specialist. Allowing yourself to remain trapped in your grief cycle will land you in an undesirable, unhealthy, complicated grief scenario.

Trapping oneself in such a scenario renders recovery unobtainable without professional assistance.

This is a very unhappy and uncomfortable place to find yourself. A much more preferable scenario is to take the bull by the horns from the get-go, decide to be proactive rather than reactive, and move yourself forward to recovery.

Professional assistance is always an option, however, the fact remains, that success through grief’s treacheries depends on your decision to recover.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

Grief Recovery Milestones IV - Weeks Nine through Twenty-six

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:36 GMT

Although recovery weeks 9 through 26 may seem as though they span over a year or longer, they only cover four months. At the end of week 26, a survivor will have been without the physical presence of their decedent for six months. In the grief recovery practice, it is accepted that a survivor should be recovered by this time. If not, counselors and grief therapists begin to recognize patterns of maladjustment.

A survivor should realize that grief recovery does not mean that they no longer love or miss their loved ones. Indeed the opposite is true. If a survivor did not continue loving or missing their deceased loved one, counselors would worry that their relationship had been somewhat abusive or one-sided. Because the love you have in your heart is forever, so too will be your grief. The pain level of your grief will, however, move to a more manageable intensity and recurrence. By the end of Grief Recovery Milestone IV, a survivor should be able to experience respite to a greater extent than he/she experiences pain. The survivor should also be able to look forward to a more positive future than they have experienced over the last six months. If this is not the case, a survivor should consider seeking out certified or licensed grief counseling.

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Grief Recovery Milestone IV

Weeks 9 through 26

By now, the survivor should have accepted his/her new reality.

During these four months (weeks 9 through 26) the survivor must overcome the devastations of their new reality and adjust their life accordingly.

These four months will be filled with learning new skills, overcoming the heartache sustained through loss, and adjusting one’s thoughts and attitude from being a victim of loss to a survivor of loss.

For most, this process is not an easy one. It is, however, necessary.

Even the most tedious of skills becomes magnified if one relied upon the decedent for it, and especially if one is deficient in it.

Many skills must be learned, many emotions must be overcome, and one is faced with adjustments in practically every aspect of life.

By the end of Recovery Milestone IV, a survivor will have been without their loved one for six months.

Six months is an important marker for grief recovery. It marks the successful accomplishment or movement of one’s grief into a recovery experience. On the other hand, it can also signal complications with an inability to accomplish recovery without organized assistance.

By now the survivor should be able to visualize, look forward to, and experience better days than at the onset of grief. They should not be completely controlled by their sadness and loneliness. They should have extended periods of respite where grief does not interfere with their thoughts and tasks. At the end of the six-month marker, these times of respite should become the norm of their day rather than the exception.

If at the conclusion of the Recovery Milestone IV time frame one remains in acute grief, displays an inability to adjust to their reality as a survivor, or is overwhelmed and low functioning, it is time to seek assistance from a qualified grief recovery specialist.

A qualified grief recovery specialist will be educated in methods that will assist the survivor in breaking their cycle of ineffective recovery methods and help them move forward; away from their grief controlled existence.

This assistance from a recovery specialist is paramount to the health and welfare of the survivor as continued ineffective recovery will open the gates for failing physiological and psychological health. If not addressed, this circle of recurring grief may contribute to life-threatening diseases. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Certified and licensed grief counselors will be able to observe the survivor, recognize ineffective recovery skills, and redirect the survivor to a more complete and successful recovery experience. Most counselors can accomplish this redirection within 12 to 16 sessions, as long as the survivor is cooperative and willing to adjust, if not, the sessions may be extended.

Medications are not indicated, nor helpful for grief recovery unless the survivor experiences suicidal hopelessness or depression. Grief is not a mental disorder even when it is intense and prolonged. Treatment for the mental disorder of depression is less effective for grief recovery than grief therapy. Suicidal hopelessness and depression are not a natural part of grief; however, they are treatable by licensed psychiatric physicians. If these risk factors are present, a grief counselor should immediately recommend emergency psychiatric care.

At the end of six months of survival, a survivor should be able to accomplish the following:

Meaningful connections to others

Effective planning for tasks and activities rather than avoiding them

A strong sense of connection with their decedent through memories

Confidence in managing their difficult emotions when grief surges

Approach their future with energy and enthusiasm

Prepare and plan for difficult days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) and unexpected reminders (sensory assaults such as perfume, hair or clothing styles, a similar physique, similar mannerisms, etc.)

If at the end of six months of survival, the survivor continues to suffer acute grief or is unable to accomplish the above list, it is time to consider seeking out grief counseling.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Factors for Grief Recovery

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:33 GMT

Death is not the ultimate adversity. It takes from us of that which we desire most, the physical presence of our loved one; a person upon whom we rely, and someone with whom our life is intertwined.

The pain inflicted upon us at the death of this significant person is natural, excruciating (in some cases debilitating), and very real.

Upon significant loss, what does one draw upon for strength and recovery?

Normal grief brings on natural pain. “Sadness is the most common feeling experienced during grief.” (Mourning Light I, 2016) Sadness is not depression.

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Depression

Depression is not a normal part of grief; it is a complication that interferes with recovery and raises the risk of serious illness.

Depression can be distinguished by trained counselors by looking for specific emotional patterns.

Survivors experiencing normal grief usually retain their self-esteem, sense of humor, and their capacity to be consoled or distracted from the pain.

Depression evokes internal struggles of guilt and worthlessness, as well as limiting one’s ability to experience or anticipate pleasure or joy.

Depression is dangerous and should be treated by a mental health physician. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Again, we see that treatment focused on the wrong diagnosis, one other than grief, does not yield the desired result of recovery.

Factors That Help Recovery

Allow yourself ample time to experience your innermost thoughts and feelings.

Express your feelings openly or write them in your journal.

Allow yourself time to cry.

Crying provides stress relief.

Confide in a trusted friend or person about your loss experience.

Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings.

Find bereavement groups where others have had similar losses.

Seek professional help if feelings become overwhelming.

(Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)

While these factors assist your recovery, there are things to watch out for too.

Factors That Hinder Recovery

Overworking oneself

Abusing drugs, alcohol, or other substances

Compulsive behavior

Avoiding emotions

Minimizing feelings

(Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)

Utilize every possible advantage that you have to overcome your sorrow with shameless vigor.

Grief is indeed the price we pay for loving others so deeply. Love is a priceless, spiritual gift, bestowed upon us from our great Creator.

As we approach the Easter Season, I pray for everyone who grieves to receive Christ’s healing powers through his divine gift of selfless love.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.

COVID-19 Aunt Faye

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:29 GMT

Yesterday, I buried my great aunt Faye. She was the last survivor of her generation in our family. She died in Texas, but her husband, and each of her siblings and their spouses, are buried in a tiny town just across the Louisiana state line.

Presently, Texas has a travel ban, in effect, against Louisiana, caused by the uncontrolled COVID-19 virus outbreak among its citizens. Burials, however, are a rather timely event, and so we were granted permission to travel there, to bury her.

As I stood in the graveyard, waiting for my cousins to arrive, I took the opportunity to visit my grandmother’s grave. In reflection, I thought of the many stories she shared with me about the Great Depression and her struggles during that time. She told me to always be prepared because, at any unexpected moment, something tragic could happen again to our country. I think that time may be upon us.

I watched as my cousins entered the cemetery, one by one. They would each wave to the others and find a spot at the appropriately prescribed social distance. The service was called to order, the pastor spoke, the music played, the tears fell, and then it was over. My cousin, the only one of my great aunt’s children able to attend, walked from spot to spot, maintaining her distance and thanked each cousin who had come to pay their respects to her mother.

The experience was unlike any other I have ever had. Although we were there as one body mourning our loss, we stood in solitude, each respecting six feet of distance from our loved ones.

I returned to my grandmother’s grave. In reflection, I wondered if this is my generation’s defining moment. Will we rebuild our country to its potential and greatness as her generation did for us? Will my grandchildren one day stand at my grave and give thanks for grandparents who worked to survive this crazy pandemic, protect the constitution, and the freedoms we took for granted three weeks ago? Will we handover a healthy and robust economy from which all the world may prosper, and will we develop the medicines and vaccines of which the world stands in need? I wonder if one day my grandchildren might look upon my headstone and say, “She did her part. She fought like her grandmother before her, to bring America, and the world back to its greatness.”

America is a great nation. Our people have sacrificed for the world’s progress and protection against oppression and illnesses before. Our service members have paid the ultimate price time and time again, on foreign lands, since our founding. Will we not step up to the plate and simply distance ourselves until this threat is over? It is inconvenient, uncomfortable, and at funerals very sad. However, in the end, we owe it to those who follow to keep ourselves, our nation, our economy, and the world healthy. It is our duty; it is our calling. My grandmother’s generation did it. They battled wars, the Great Depression, polio, poverty, and many other great and terrible things during their lifetimes. They were the salt of the earth, but with perseverance, determination, and gratitude, they became the “Greatest Generation that Ever Lived.” With their genes in our cells, I think we can do it too. We can overcome this pandemic, restore the world to prosperity, develop vaccines, and protect peace for our fellow beings.

Today, right now, prepare yourself, commit yourself, and follow through with appropriate actions to protect yourself and those about you. Together we will prevail. The “Greatest Generation that Ever Lived” did it, and as their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, we will too. May God bless every one of you with fortitude and good health.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

COVID 19 - Isolation

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:28 GMT

As the COVID-19 pandemic ravages the globe, I have shied away from writing about it. I am so tired of hearing about it, reading about it, living through it, etc.

My inbox is filled with articles addressing PPE and hunkering down in order to avoid contamination. Lately, I have seen a surge in articles and talking points on the mental health effects related to this pandemic. In particular, sheltering in place has become a major concern for many working in the medical field. Sheltering in place is just another name for isolation.

Isolation is not a social being’s friend, in fact, it can prove deadly. It is for this reason that we see ourselves battling the negative mental health consequences of this practice.

In research, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University, finds that a lack of social connection heightens health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or having alcohol use disorder. Additionally, she states that loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity. (Perspectives on Psychological Science, Vol. 10, No. 2, 2015) Dr. Nicole Valtorta, Ph.D. Health Sciences, University of York, has linked loneliness to an increase in the risk of stroke and the development of coronary heart disease by 30%. Florida State University, College of Medicine, links loneliness to a 40% increase in the development of dementia. Wow, those are frightening statistics.

Loneliness can lead to long-term “Fight or Flight” stress.

This stress causes the immune system to function improperly. It increases inflammation and decreases the antiviral responses. In short, loneliness increases one’s risk of virus infection and severe physical, emotional, and cognitive illnesses. That my friends, in this pandemic, is a great cause for concern.

Loneliness is an unpleasant emotion that is experienced when one is dissatisfied with their relationships or is isolated from rewarding emotional interaction. It can be felt even when surrounded by others due to low self-esteem. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental, emotional, and environmental factors.

Reports show that 40% of adults feel that their relationships are not meaningful and that they feel isolated. More than 25% of adults live alone, 50+% of adults remain unmarried, and the number of children per household continues to decline.

Rates of volunteerism have declined and a decrease in religious affiliation suggests institutional connections that provide community connections are slipping away. These important connections provide crucial human fundamental well-being and social stimulation.

There are two categories of loneliness. The first is reactive loneliness. Reactive loneliness is experienced upon loss, such as the death of a loved one, or divorce.

The second category is chronic loneliness.

Chronic loneliness is experienced when one does not have the emotional, mental, or financial resources to satisfy their social needs, or they lack the proper social circle of family, marriage partner, and children who provide these benefits. Although friends, significant others, and acquaintances provide a degree of social connection, they do not provide kinship.

Friendships, significant others, and acquaintances are potentially temporary social connections and are subject to disconnect. This temporary posture, or the ability to disconnect, found in connections outside of the family structure, can at times greatly impact feelings of loneliness and isolation. For this reason, they are left out of the social list. This does not mean that they are unimportant; they are deeply important. Kinship, however, relates one individual to another beyond situational acquaintanceship.

Although 28% of adults report being dissatisfied with their family life, unlike friendship, kinship provides permanent bindings of emotional togetherness, loyalty, and support. The related effects of kinship are positive and remain active even during familial discontent and necessary physical separation.

Loneliness can occur even when people are surrounded by others. Human beings must connect emotionally to each other to stave off the adversities of loneliness. Loneliness derived by social isolation doubles the risk of early death among the African-American population. Among American whites, this risk increases to 84%. (American Journal of Epidemiology, Vol.188, 2019)

HOW TO FIGHT LONELINESS

One must identify and address the underlying cause of loneliness to nullify its negative impact.

The University of Chicago suggests that interventions focused inwardly, addressing the negative thoughts underlying loneliness, have a greater effect rather than interventions that focus on improving social skills, social support, or increased opportunities for social interaction.

At one time, society saw the effects of loneliness in the senior population more so than any other. The primary reason for this was the death of one’s spouse. Today, however, we see that loneliness is farther reaching. At present, loneliness negatively impacts the younger age groups in epidemic proportions.

The primary reasons for epidemic loneliness are the losses of human connection and relative kinship. These losses of basic human identity severely impact one’s ability to understand and reach one’s purpose (or direction) in life and a sense of belonging, and bring on the ill effects of isolation and loneliness. Isolation and loneliness are largely generated through electronic friendships and the materialization of pseudo kinship. They are compounded by the currently imposed distancing mandates aimed at keeping us virus-free.

One to one human relationships have been disrupted and restructured through the separation of families, as well as many other contributors including electronic socialization. Electronic socialization allows the absence of personal connection, accountability, and encourages deceit in many aspects of one’s profile and conversations. It does not evoke loyalty, nor love, from one human being toward another. Unfortunately, electronic socialization can contribute to and encourage narcissistic personalities. It can provide a venue for predatory manipulation.

Electronic socialization is realized through social media. Its by-product is chronic electronic isolation.

In today’s pandemic reality of COVID-19, physical social distancing coupled with the realized pandemic effects of electronic isolation have put mental health and medical physicians on high alert. This lack of realized human contact, compounds and proliferates the ill effects of isolation and loneliness. It brings them the forefront as an immediate concern in the future realization of physiological and psychological disease and higher mortality rates.

Please understand me when I say that I think that social media is a wonderful advent when used appropriately. Under the current distancing orders, it can potentially assist us in holding onto our emotional and mental health. It can provide a venue for communication that would otherwise not exist. It gives grandparents the opportunity to communicate with grandchildren (most important in my life.) It allows friends to stay connected and allows many of us to work from home. If used positively, social media can be therapeutic in the fight against social isolation.

Communication, however, is not the sole fix-all for loneliness and isolation. Evil, manipulative conversations and deceitful relationships developed over electronic communication can potentially drive individuals over the edge. And, just like the housing bubble, those who have tens of thousands of friends must at some point realize that those people are not true friends, they are just followers. At some point, those who do not understand the truth of that will see their perceived popularity bubble pop. At that point, they will suffer enormous isolation and loneliness through the loss of their self-esteem.

My recommendation to the world is to make social media work for you rather than against you. I received a correspondence this very week from a dear reader on the West Coast, addressing this exact subject. She states that she is a people person and that staying inside is a challenge for her. “Thank God for the internet and social media, it has saved my sanity!” Obviously, she has the confidence and understanding to utilize social media in a positive fashion.

It is a fact, that in order to protect ourselves, and those whom we love from a pandemic viral infection, we cannot gather together. When I was a young girl, my momma would tell me, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” It’s time to get tough, folks. We must utilize every tool we have to fight the ravaging effects of loneliness, so where do we start?

Begin by swearing off of typing rants and thoughtless comments on your social media account. Remember, quality over quantity is what counts. Rather than engaging with someone who you really don’t know and who really doesn’t care about you, pick up your device and call someone who cares.

Call your true friends and family members and have a voice to voice conversation. Better still, facetime them. Let your loved ones hear your voice, see your face, and LOL with you rather than read it on an LED screen.

Express your love and concern for each other. Tell your friends and family that you miss them. Let them know that as soon as this distancing order is lifted you intend to see them eye to eye; that you intend to reach out and physically touch them in an expression of familial love and human connection. We’ve got to get through this and we can do it with each other’s help and support. It’s the only way folks.

Life is full of sorrow and loneliness. It is also full of love, joy, family, and friends.

Jump off of typewritten communications where friendship and caring can so easily be impersonated. Take a bold leap and join the one to one, eye to eye, voice to voice, and face to face exhilaration of interaction with those you love and who love you on a video application. Do whatever you must to reopen, repair, and rediscover the gift of genuine human to human friendship, familial connections, and uplifting outreach. We’re in this together folks, let’s make the best of it.

Social media has its pros and cons, but video chats are a gift from heaven for this grandmother so far away from her dear grandchildren. During this time of sheltering at home, let’s be kind to each other, use what we can to promote healthy communication, and enjoy the abundance of time on our hands to reconnect with those who may benefit from a phone or video call. In the end, doing so will benefit the world by stamping out loneliness and isolation.

I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

COVID 19 - Recovery Phase One - Mikey Joe XXII

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:25 GMT

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I have my daughter and grandchildren staying with me. My daughter’s family lives in Hawaii. Her husband serves in our nation's military. He received orders for transfer back to the mainland and the moving company (engaged through the military) came over on Thursday morning, March 12, 2020, to pack up their household goods. The company was very thorough and took everything my daughter owns. Her family’s clothing (including my son-in-law’s military uniforms), kitchen pots and pans, grooming and hygiene supplies, towels, furniture (including beds), linens, pantry contents, etc. were all neatly packed into a moving van and disappeared down the street. My daughter and her family were scheduled to leave the island about a week later. The children were excited because, for five days, they would be camping in their home and ordering pizza while they awaited airline flights to the mainland.

The following day, Friday, the military announced a travel ban on military travel. My daughter’s family was now stranded in their empty home indefinitely. She had no clothing for her family, no food, no way to prepare food, no toys, no television, no beds, no chairs or couches, no towels or soap for bathing; no anything. Worse yet, the store shelves in Hawaii were empty. She texted me pictures of the commissary and Costco, nothing there but bare shelves.

My son-in-law sprang into action and got her and their two children on a civilian flight leaving Monday, March 16, 2020. They arrived in Dallas early Tuesday morning a little tired and frazzled. Unfortunately, my son-in-law was required to remain behind for his work.

Once we arrived at our home in East Texas with the children, we were concerned that with the limited options for entertainment, they might become very bored and melancholy. My daughter had the perfect solution; service to others.

Our funeral home sits on five acres of pecan trees. Pecan trees are self-pruning and so my grandchildren have spent their time gathering fallen branches and pulling weeds. My daughter lost her youngest son two years ago and he is buried on our funeral home campus. My grandchildren (his five-year-old brother and three-year-old sister) have spent many hours caring for his grave during their time here. They have served others as well by visiting via video chat. This service has offered connections for the confined to the joys and musings of children.

Service is a wonderful thing for idleness. It teaches lessons of love and gratitude. My grandchildren have given many hours of service to me, and to their brother, buried here beside my funeral home. I believe it is a summer they will never forget. I have enjoyed having them here and they have not been bored for one moment. Being with my grandchildren has blessed my life beyond measure. Having them here allows me to work without worrying over their wellbeing.

We have received news that their father’s orders have been postponed until a later date. It looks as though my grandchildren will remain with me through not only the spring but the summer as well. Sadly, my daughter has developed potentially severe health issues.

I know it is hard on her husband to be so far away during such scary and uncertain times, but as Franklin D Roosevelt once said, “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”

Military families are familiar with long separations, extremely confined quarters, and dangers lurking around the corner. It doesn’t mean, however, that they like it. Now that American’s at large are experiencing some of the same day-to-day issues that military families routinely face, I wonder if the citizenry might better appreciate their plight.

I am married to a retired military war veteran. My daughter lived through the first Gulf War with her father in harm’s way. Now she suffers military imposed separation from her husband and worries that her family might suffer devastating health consequences. Life throws us difficult curves.

Times are hard. The isolation and loss of income for most American’s have caused serious effects on their health both physically and mentally. It has brought on the signs and symptoms of grief.

Grief’s pains are the same whether you have lost a job, a loved one, your security, or your freedom. The difference is the depth of pain associated with your loss and your ability to cope.

Coping with the loss of freedom, socialization, and income that America is presently suffering, as well as the loss of loved ones for some, is very significant. American’s need to draw upon past disappointments and losses in order to structure their recovery. Some of us will bounce back with little effort, but some will not.

As fellow Americans, it is incumbent upon us to assist those who suffer more than ourselves and who lag behind in their recovery. How do we do this? I suggest that you take a tip from my daughter and my grandchildren, and offer service to others. If we each reach out and help another, we will see that not only are those we assist improved but we ourselves will be too.

Having my daughter and grandchildren with me during this uncertain time has been a marvelous blessing to me. Their examples of service and gratitude have been a wonder to behold. My grandmother survived the Great Depression. My daughter’s strategies for survival mirror my grandmother’s very closely. Isn’t it amazing how generations of families observe the same traditions and strategies decades later?

I am grateful for my children and my grandchildren. I am also grateful for my ancestors and the sacrifices they made for the liberation and formation of our great nation, for the hardships they endured through the ensuing generations, and for their tenacity to fight their battles and see their trials through. I pray that our generation will have that same tenacity as we enter the recovery phase of the Great COVID-19 Pandemic and the grief that engulfs us. They did it, so can we. We have so many more advantages than they did, so many more comforts. All we need to do is decide that we can't be licked and then kick ourselves in gear. American's are traditionally strong and good. I believe we remain so.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

COVID 19 - Cry Uncle

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:24 GMT

Wow, what a difference a week makes. Now that the COVID-19 restrictions are easing I see people smiling and greeting each other with vigor. Of course, we must all keep a safe distance between us, but it is so wonderful to see cheer and relief in the faces of so many.

Unfortunately, some believe that we may never be able to return to life as we once knew it. Many Americans have lost their jobs, their businesses, and in some cases, their loved ones. What is fair about that? Nothing at all.

I have seen friends who have enjoyed thriving businesses filing for bankruptcy. I see buildings in the city where I live that once housed thriving enterprises now standing empty with signs of closure in their windows. It is heartbreaking. I wish there were something I could do. I think they will all recover eventually, entrepreneurs are generally the type of people who overcome problems, not wallow in them. After all, an entrepreneur replaces “I wish” with “I will.” I believe we will overcome our setbacks.

It is natural for those of us who have suffered substantial losses over the Great COVID-19 shutdown to feel sadness, uncertainty, fear for our futures, and anger. These are valid and powerful emotions associated with loss. Rolled up, these emotions spell grief.

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LAUGH AND SMILE

Dr. George Bonanno, of Columbia University, has found that people who exercise “flexibility in their emotions often cope well with loss and are healthier over time.”

His research indicates that laughing and smiling can affect positive recovery. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

If laughing and smiling can affect the grief of losing a loved one in a positive manner, why then would it not work for our recovery from the grief inflicted through the losses associated with COVID-19? I know that it can and that it does. I have seen it already in the people who live around me who are utilizing its application.

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PERSONAL RECOVERY TECHNIQUE

Every individual is unique and therefore has his/her own unique preferences of emotional expression.

Experts agree that survivors should allow themselves to grieve in their own way, according to their personal preferences.

Certain survivors may prefer to express their feelings through action rather than discussion.

For instance, physical activities like walking or swimming, or creative activities like writing or painting may bring comfort and relief.

Others may prefer confiding with family, friends, or a grief counselor about their feelings, difficulties, and fears.

Mourning is the process of adapting to loss.

It involves letting go and learning to accept and survive in your new reality.

Recovery is one’s acceptance and adaptation over loss.

Its accomplishment varies in time and strategy with each survivor. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

As I watch those around me begin the arduous task of economic recovery, I see them already utilizing their own unique methods of recovery. Some exercise, some talk in the line at the supermarket, and some are out building and improving their businesses. This is wonderful to see. They are adapting and overcoming the trials of economic loss.

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SWIFTER ADAPTATION

Researchers have found that finding meaning in life after the loss of a loved one can help survivors adapt.

The above statement indicates that survivors who identify, prioritize, and connect to their preferences, priorities, and relationships (including the relationship with their decedent), will experience a swifter and more complete recovery from loss. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

If we replace (including the relationship with their decedent) with (including the relationship with their COVID-19 losses) we can suddenly see that attitude is what will govern and determine our economic recovery and the associated emotions. Attitude governs recovery in all aspects of life.

Although we must continue observing certain restrictions to ensure our health and that of those about us, we do not have to allow our attitudes to dwindle into depths of depression. Americans at large carry the entrepreneurial spirit. The entrepreneurial spirit is one of forward movement. Our country is a vast corporation encouraging smaller corporations to form and make it stronger. It is up to us, not our government to overcome the devastations of COVID-19.

As my mother used to say, “You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in.” It’s time for us to get over being mad. Madness, whether associated with anger or insanity, must be bridled and overcome for improvement and happiness to move in. Let’s make our decisions to take control of our destinies and move them where we want them. If we do not, someone else will, and we may not care for their ideas of liberty, life, and the pursuit of happiness.

I am an American, a proud entrepreneurial American. I do not wish for better days, I accomplish them. I am unashamed of the accomplishments of my ancestors. I am unashamed of their motivations, their pride, and their abilities to make the world a better place. It is an indisputable truth that in order to improve the life of another, you must first meet your needs of survival. It is time for us to repair our nation to ensure its survival so that we can shore up other nations and make the world better for all. We may have new parameters in which to work, but we are the world’s greatest and least selfish people. We can do this.

We must hold evil at bay. Whether that means evil nations, evil people, evil moods, or evil disease; I care not. I am ready for the fight. I will stand up and I will greet the day with the knowledge that I will win. I will do it through the American entrepreneurial spirit of hard work and dedication to my cause. I am not broken, nor will I ever be. I will press ever onward and I will get through this.

I'm crying uncle, but not to surrender. My cry is to Uncle Sam and all Americans to sally forth, band together, have hope, and reclaim our nation's strength as "can do - will do" people. Join me and we will be stronger; insurmountable. Together, we will "Make America Great Again," and together, we will share prosperity, enlightenment, and happiness with the citizens of the world.

COVID-19 is nothing more than a virus. The world has suffered worse and will again in the future. This is our time; our time to step up or step aside. I'm stepping up. Won't you join me?

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

COVID 19 - The Virtues of Recovery

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:23 GMT

I received a call from a daughter whose father is on hospice and near death. She was asking about arrangements, and I offered to meet her at her home rather than having her leave her father at this critical time.

We scheduled a conference and at the appropriate time, I traveled to her home.

Her home was located off the beaten path. As I left the paved road and drove onto a dirt road, I was somewhat concerned. At length, I arrived at their home located through the thick woods. At first glance, it seemed as though this was a family of humble means. As I entered their home, my original thoughts were confirmed. This old home had witnessed many years of humble living under its roof.

As I collected the vital information required upon the death of a loved one, I realized that this daughter did not know the names of her grandparents. I never have been accused of having a poker face and so she explained that she and her brother were both adopted.

Near the end of our conference, I asked her what she would like to say about her father in his obit.

She said that he was a wonderful teacher and an exemplary role model. That he had always had a strong belief, and followed the Lord’s will as best he could.

Also, that he taught his children that patience is the reward of all virtue.

As I recorded her words I thought what a great testament to this man’s life. In the judgments of society, this was a very poor man. His home was humble, his profession was humble, and his education was humble. Yet through the trials of providing for his family, he was generous by giving those who had naught, all that he possessed. Not just monetarily, but spiritually as well.

Throughout his life, when those who had greater wealth looked upon him and his children, I wonder if they even knew that he had adopted two babies, saving them from who knows what. Did others realize that he made a choice, so long ago, to give his meager earnings to two tiny children who had even less than he? When he walked through the city where they lived, did people know that a giant soul had crossed their path, or had they elevated themselves so highly that they were unable to see beyond their riches?

Her words that he had taught them that “Patience is the reward of all virtue,” deeply touched my heart.

I was reminded of the wealthy contributing from their surplus wealth while the widow gave two mites, her whole livelihood, under the watchful gaze of the Lord? This father has done as the widow did and deserves the respect of all around him. He gave his whole livelihood to two children, and as he raised them, he taught them to be good people and to serve the Lord as he had done during his lifetime.

I thought about the end of his life. He served virtuously where others had not. He raised two homeless children as his own. He gave them shelter, love, his name, and instilled virtues that others discount as meaningless. Now that he is dying, the love and tender patience taught to his children are seeing him through to the other side. As his soul crosses over, I believe that he will receive the blessings of the Almighty predicated upon his good works. These two infants, the least of humanity, rescued from an unimaginable life and treasured by a man of humble means are a beacon of faith, hope, and charity.

I checked myself as I left their home. There is more that I could do to help others. The Lord has blessed my life and I owe Him a great debt. When called upon, will I step forward as this father did, and give to those are without? I hope so; I trust that I will.

Now is a critical time for the world. We have all suffered great economical and familial losses relative to the great COVID-10 pandemic. Will we share our meager means with those who have lost more than we have; with those who are suffering the impacts of stress, grief, and unforeseen poverty? Will we take this man’s life as an example and try to do what we can for ourselves and for others?

I will assist in the recovery and I will try to develop the virtues that this great man so willingly shared with his children. If we all work together with the virtues discounted as meaningless by so many, our rewards will come through faith, hope, and charity. In the end, patience will win our victory. It will temper our virtues, and as we reach the crossroads of life, the restoration of God’s love will welcome us over to the other side.

This is my humble prayer, for myself, and for the world at large; that we will gain in virtue, that we will serve each other through faith, hope, and unselfish love, and that in the end, we will reap our just rewards as we enter through the gates of paradise to be in the presence of our dear Lord. It is up to us. Only we can make this decision, and only we can make it happen. We must change our attitudes, do what must be done with a song of praise and thanksgiving as we greet our days and each other. We must bring joy to others whose sufferings are unseen and hidden in their hearts. And finally, we must dedicate ourselves to serving gladly in all tasks as long as is necessary.

No one has said that recovery will be easy, however, it is my belief that it will be worth it.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Peace and Rest

Tue, 26 May 2020 13:15:22 GMT

Perhaps it is my work, however, it is not unusual for me to wonder about what type of death I will experience. Earlier this week, I received a death call to a home in close proximity my funeral home. The following morning the decedent’s daughter came in from Dallas to take care of her mother’s final arrangements. The decedent died suddenly, either in her sleep or as she began relaxing for the evening. She was in her bedclothes, sitting in front of her television when she was found.

Before arrival, the daughter began calling the funeral home on her way to East Texas from Dallas. Her mother was to be cremated, and she wanted to ensure that she would be able to see her before cremation took place.

Cremation is a unique circumstance in the process of laying a loved one to rest. The Federal Trade Commission stipulates that a dead human body must be embalmed, buried (if unembalmed), or cremated within 24 hours of death. If embalming, burial, or cremation are delayed beyond the 24-hour mark, the body must be refrigerated at a specified temperature as arrangements, permits, and consents are gathered. If proper care of the decedent will be delayed beyond a particular number of hours, refrigerated holding facilities begin imposing hefty fees for storing unembalmed bodies.

The decedent’s daughter arrived at the funeral home in time to view her mother prior to cremation. The suddenness of her mother’s death was very apparent as her daughter began crying, shaking, and calling out for her mother as she entered the funeral home.

Grief Brief 116

Sudden Death – No Warning

Sudden deaths are those that occur without warning.

These types of death require special understanding and intervention.

Sudden deaths are more difficult to grieve and recover from than other deaths that give some warning.

Advance warning that death is coming allows family and friends time to prepare for their imminent loss.

Survivors of sudden death may find it beneficial to consult with a counselor, especially in the case of violence. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

Survivors may feel rage, impatience, confusion, or a sense of helplessness as the reality of death sets in. In such cases, seeing the decedent and planning or arranging final services can play a significant role in recovery.

Grief Brief 124

Sudden Death – Helplessness

In the case of sudden death, survivors may suffer from a sense of helplessness.

This feeling affects the survivor’s ability to function in an orderly fashion and negates one’s sense of power.

Often these feelings of helplessness lead to an incredible sense of rage.

Survivors may find that they are expressing aggression toward those who have or those who are trying to help.

These expressions may help the survivor deal more openly with their feelings; however, if they follow through with retribution, the situation needs immediate action. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

Certain survivors of sudden death withdraw from reality while others may seem animated. As they arrange and manage the final issues of a loved one’s life, either withdrawn or animated survivors may quickly become aggressive. The survivor may also begin creating a pseudo-reality, acting as though they either are the decedent or that they have a direct line of communication with, or impressions from, their loved-one. They may vocalize that they know exactly what the decedent’s choices and wishes for services are, or that they know more than anyone else around about the choices and preferences of the deceased. They tend to become boisterous, bossy, and even bullyish toward the other survivors within the immediate circle of kinship. This type of behavior may ostracize others within the family circle and cause hurt feelings or disconnections. These are precisely the outcomes that families and funeral directors should try to avoid.

My client and her family finalized her mother’s arrangements and I offered to extend a final moment for farewell. She and her brother entered the room to see her mother and her second visit with her mother went much more comfortably and controlled. The simple task of arranging for her mother’s final moments on earth offered her calmness and comfort which were previously out of her reach. I am confident that the memorial service will comfort her even more.

It is important to understand the significance of a final farewell and service to those we love. My client understands that now that she has experienced it. Her mother died suddenly, at peace in her home, preparing for an evening of quiet rest. I hope that when my time comes, I go under the same circumstances.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Steve Carree II - First Year Death Anniversary

Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:30 GMT

I called my friend this morning. This week marks the 1st anniversary of her husband’s death. Even though I am a grief counselor, I suffer grief just like everyone else, and I try to avoid it, just like everyone else. My friend and her husband are my and my husband’s best friends. We traveled to Florida last year to bury him.

My friend’s name is Carrie. Carrie and I suffered through the 1st Gulf war, as young mothers, while our husbands were off fighting for our nation. We became great friends as we served our husbands’ command as Ombudsman and Key Wife. Those were difficult times. Back then, I thought nothing would ever compare to the pain we endured during our husband’s absences as they fought in the war. I was wrong, Steve’s death far outweighs our sufferings back then.

My phone call to Carrie this morning was a happy one. She is doing so well. We spoke about her experience, and she gave me some great information.

She asked me if I remembered the cycles of adjustment that military wives experience when their husbands leave for their six-month tour overseas. I said that I did, and she told me that she had experienced the same cycles as a widow.

Cycle one, lasting approximately two months, is filled with missing your loved one. In losing her husband, she would first experience the realization that death had occurred, then loneliness, sadness, reclusiveness, yearning, longing, and grief. It is a time filled with avoidance and adjustment. Because your spouse has disappeared, your social activities disappear too. You are uncomfortable eating out by yourself, you no longer go out to the movies because you are alone, and your friends who are participating in couple’s activities no longer invite you to join because you make their teams uneven.

GRIEF BRIEF 7

SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL

People who have recently lost a loved one may tend to withdraw from family or friends in intimate and social situations.

This tendency is generally brief and usually corrects itself without intervention.

If one continues to withdraw from social interactions over an extended length of time, one might find it comforting to consult with a counselor. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Cycle two, lasting approximately two months, ushers in extreme frustration, anger, and regret. The anger, due to extreme frustration, brings on even more profound loneliness followed by possible feelings of guilt. It is a time when the widow/widower realizes that she/he must now do all of the things her husband/his wife used to do. It is also about the time that everything begins to breakdown from a lack of maintenance. One may become frustrated or angry at his/her children, friends, appliances, plumbing, dandelions, employer, work associates, etc. Children, too, are suffering these same issues and may begin to become extremely unruly. They may begin participating in dangerous activities. This is the cycle where one realizes and accepts that they must step up, take on their spouse’s responsibilities, and take care of business.

GRIEF BRIEF 46

DEVELOPING NEW SKILLS

Many survivors resent having to develop new skills that were once performed by their deceased loved one.

This is a normal reaction to your loss.

The key to recovery is to either learn the skill yourself or find someone who will do it for you.

In both scenarios, your reward is growth, either personally or socially.

In both circumstances, your movement toward recovery is positive. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Cycle three, lasting approximately two months, is the time where one sees their frustrations and anger subside. They have adjusted to being alone, and they have mastered the tasks necessary to keep life, family, home, and work functioning. They have learned to juggle their responsibilities along with those typically assigned to their spouse. They have become very independent. They are now planning their schedule without consideration of their spouse’s preferences or needs. They have probably met and made new friends who may be in the same boat as they are, and have possibly developed new interests, hobbies, skills, and attitudes.

At this juncture, the military wife is faced with the return of her husband. Many are pleased to see them return; some are not. A military wife must now readjust herself to partner with her husband, handing back his responsibilities, considering his preferences, and compromising on decisions. She may need to give us new friends who remain single with single interests and activities. She may find that her husband’s methods and habits are frustrating. She may feel just as angry at allowing her husband back into his role as she was when she was forced to take it on herself. This situation can be confusing and difficult to overcome in the relatively short time necessary to save one’s marriage.

On the other hand, at the end of six months, Carrie found that she was liberated. People would ask her how she was doing with worry and sadness in their countenance and were then surprised when she was just fine and back to her old jovial self. At six months (the average grief recovery time), Carrie was doing well.

Of course, anyone who knows Carrie would expect her to be fine within six months. She is a strong, capable, determined, intelligent, talented, kind, caring, and spiritual woman. She renders heartfelt service and involves herself in improving the world for those around her. She is selfless and shares her talents without reserve. In short, she is a woman who strives to live a righteous life and endeavors to help others along the same path. She is golden.

I asked Carrie what she would do to mark Steve’s death anniversary. She said that Steve really liked eating Japanese hibachi, so each of their children, and their families, will be eating dinner at a Japanese hibachi restaurant for dinner and then texting pictures to each other. I asked if Michael (my husband) and I could participate.

GRIEF BRIEF 42

TRADITIONS

Traditions are an excellent tool for grief recovery.

Observing traditions that were once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still, through the activities and love we shared.

Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.

Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Eating dinner at their dad’s favorite type of restaurant, in the various cities that his children live in, is a wonderful way to continue a family tradition. It honors their dad and brings them all together even though they are far apart. It also passes his legacy on to his grandchildren. A bonus will be the pictures taken year after year and collected for family history. Carrie will cherish them, and after she is gone, so too will her children and grandchildren.

Tomorrow will be Steve’s first death anniversary. Carrie said that her week has been difficult. She feels like she has lost the ground she has gained over the past year. She is sad, lonely, and somewhat reclusive. This is a typical experience. The anniversary of the death, and especially the days leading up to it, are rough days to live through. They bring back into focus the magnitude of the survivor’s loss. After it passes, Carrie will find that she will spring right back into the swing of life, activities, and focus will return to her new normal, and she will be fine.

GRIEF BRIEF 58

SPECIAL DAYS

Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are incredibly stressful for survivors of loss.

The anticipation of these critical dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself.

If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

I am honored and thankful that Carrie is allowing us to participate in her new family tradition. Steve’s death was shocking and painful for Michael and me, and we need this tradition to honor, remember, and recover from our friend’s death. Carrie and Steve remain my and Michael’s dearest friends.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XV - Enlightenment

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:29 GMT

Sometimes I stay up so late that by the time I get to bed, my prayers are shorter than a fine “How do you do?” Other times they are nonexistent. I am not sure why I let this happen. I know that prayer to my Maker is as vital as expressing my love to my family. Why then will I stay up so late that prayer goes to the wayside?

I wonder if time management is my problem, perhaps it is something more. Sometimes when my head meets my pillow, I begin my prayers, but they do not seem to go anywhere. Perhaps I rattle off the usual phrases rather than thinking about what I am saying. Maybe my mind begins to wander in a different direction, and I get sidetracked. I believe it is a conglomeration of things that I should get a hold of and set myself straight.

I know that prayer is essential. You may not believe in a Deity, but in the absence of prayer, I believe that meditation with a greater force is very beneficial to one’s well-being.

Throughout my career in funeral service, I have had countless clients express the incredible healing powers of prayer and meditation. Clients who traverse “Hell’s Gates of Grief” the most effectively, always seem to be those who communicate with a spiritual entity. Knowing this encourages me to improve my prayer experience.

My plans for improvement are as follows.

First: Set aside ample time to pray.

I can do this by going to bed earlier or praying in the morning when I get up. Either way, bedtime must be sooner than it currently is. I can also set aside time during the day for prayer. I can participate in impromptu prayer as well. If I see something or hear something that touches my heart, I can immediately offer a silent prayer. The impromptu prayer may be one of thanksgiving, assistance, guidance, comfort, etc. The impromptu prayer will undoubtedly increase my prayer time, and since it will be offered at the time of impression, it should definitely be more intense.

Second: Put my thoughts into words rather than abstract feelings.

Taking the time to apply language to my feelings will help me understand and organize my concerns and desires more effectively.

Third: Evaluate and take action.

I must identify my blessings and give thanks, realize my discrepancies and ask forgiveness, understand my shortcomings and ask for guidance, and finally, ask for assistance on behalf of those in need.

When my grandson passed away last year my prayers were intense; so too were my spiritual comforts. Prayer was my lifesaver. It rescued me from my sea of grief.

I hope that if you are suffering grief, that you will put prayer or meditation into practice. Communication with a higher being develops and brings forward our better selves. It assists us in a cohesive understanding of ourselves and the world around us. In short, the practice of prayer or meditation corrects our focus away from our problems and provides enlightenment.

Enlightenment is a blessing in my life. It helps me understand how to bring about positive change; assists me in being a better person, and infuses my life with joy. I pray that if you are suffering, you will turn to a higher power and receive the blessing of enlightenment in your life.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mortician Mission

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:26 GMT

Currently, I am under the care of a physical therapist. As she teaches me the error of my physical movements and improves upon my daily mechanical functions, we chat about all sorts of things. Last week, our conversation turned to our applied fields of labor. She is, as she calls it, a “traveler.” In laymen’s terms, she is a traveling therapist, substituting, or filling-in, for therapists who are currently on vacation or switching jobs. She is presently working at my area hospital due to understaffing issues.

In the course of our conversation, she mentioned that before she became a physical therapist, she had wanted to become a mortician. People expressing regret for not following their dreams of laboring in the death services field is quite common in my line of work. They often express their fascination with death, and in particular, a curiosity with dead human bodies.

In my observations, healers have a concern and respect for the ill and infirmed. In their field of labor, their focus is preserving life. Death results in a dead human body. Upon death, unless you become a cadaver, their concern, care, and time with you are over, and they must, at that point, dispose of you.

On the other hand, morticians have concern and respect for loved ones who have died. They also must be aware of and assist surviving families through the trials of loss. In my field of labor, I must create the necessary services for survivor recovery through lawful, dignified, and sanitary interment ceremonies. My goals are to keep survivors safe and alive while ushering in and assisting them with recovery by efficaciously achieving a purposeful, dignified, and productive farewell experience.

In my opinion, morticians must practice great reverence, as well as hold immense respect for deceased human beings. I believe that curiosity aimed at dissecting a dead human body is reserved for research in the healing arts: the embalming room and practice of funeral directing hold no place for these curiosities. The pursuit of improving the health of the living should only occur by those having the ability to effectuate better healing scenarios.

The mission of a healer and the mission of a mortician concern different needs in the life cycles of human beings. In consideration of such, our motivations, cares, and curiosities should focus on our chosen fields of service.

My therapist articulated that she believes that once a person takes their last breath, all living concern has dissipated. The body is the residual product of a once productive and breathing person. In her opinion, the value retained by the decedent is their possible contributions to medical science.

As a mortician, I see the body as a sacred temple that once housed a living soul. Its value is the love he/she shared with others, the impact of benevolence he/she distilled upon his/her loved ones, as well as to the poor and underserved, and his/her contributions to science and society. Upon death, a loved one’s value is not diminished in my eyes down to scientific material. I believe the soul understands and holds dear the mission of the body through enlightenment and carries their love, personality, intelligence, and appreciations with them, continuing to serve those who remain behind to reach their potential. I also believe that families are forever and that as each of us dies, we will rejoin our loved ones, who have gone before us, and work together to protect and assist our posterity. I believe the body is sacred and that it should be cared for upon death with respect and reverence. And finally, I believe that families mourn the loss of their loved ones because love is spiritual and transcends death. That is why I am a mortician. That is why I serve not only the dead but the living.

My therapist sees her job as helping the living live more healthily. She sees the dead as serving her profession and mankind by providing additional health-related information. In my eye, a mortician’s job is to bury your loved ones and to help you recover from the devastations of loss.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

A Hero Returned

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:24 GMT

In 2018, President Trump met with Dictator Kim Jung Un of North Korea. Their meeting was a historical event for our two countries to meet and hash out old and current issues plaguing not only our histories but our futures. Among the many noteworthy topics of concern and discussion was that of bringing home American POW/MIA’s from the Korean War.

As we know, American troops band together as a family while serving our great nation on distant and domestic shores. When a soldier is injured or killed, other soldiers will risk themselves to ensure that the troop is retrieved. In Korea, 8,154 American troops were left behind. Over the decades, we have seen the return of some of them. “There are still 5,300 American service members believed to be in North Korea – 65 years after the end of the Korean War.” (Mahita Gajanan, Time Magazine, June 2018) These numbers are staggering.

My husband is a combat veteran. The stress and worry I suffered as a young wife and mother as he fought in foreign war remain incomprehensible to my soul even today, over 20 years later. I cannot imagine the grief one suffers when their loved one is missing in action; possibly dead, or held as a prisoner by an unfriendly government. It is time that all of the remaining American troops be returned to their families and our nation.

My very dear friend owns a beauty academy in Texarkana, TX. Last week, she invited my husband to the school to deliver a lecture on the American Constitution and Bill of Rights. While we were there, one of the school’s executives, J. R. Richardson, mentioned that he had been notified by the Department of Defense (DOD), that through President’s Trump's negotiations with Kim Jung Un, his uncle, who has been a Korean War MIA for 69 years, had recently been identified and was coming home for burial. His uncle, USMC PFC Billy Edward Johnson, had been positively identified through a DNA sample submitted by his brother and sister to the DOD prior to their deaths.

This past weekend my husband and I participated in a POW/MIA rally in Texarkana, TX. USMC PFC Billy Edward Johnson was honored along with other POW/MIA’s. As J. R. Richardson delivered a eulogy in his uncle’s honor, tears filled my heart. The benediction was offered, and I gave thanks for the ultimate sacrifice so many American troops have suffered on my behalf. Having lived in a foreign land, I realize and understand the blessings afforded to me by virtue of my birth. I offered a silent prayer of thanksgiving for the privilege of being an American, our sacred Constitution and Bill of Rights, for every American troop that has ever served our nation and its cause, and for those fallen who have paid the ultimate sacrifice without prejudice, or concern of self. I also prayed for the families who continue to suffer the pain of enduring POW/MIA status to one day receive their fallen soldier’s homecoming. Lastly, I prayed for the blessings of heaven to pour out over President Trump as he, his family, and his cabinet change the world to a better place through his virtuous vision of love for America, his strength of negotiation, and his pursuit of liberty and justice for all.

Today as I write my article, I am grateful for the opportunities and blessings I enjoy; my rights guaranteed through the American Constitution and Bill of Rights; my family, my home, my health, and my happiness. May God bless the people of the world, in particular, they who mourn and those who serve, with health, happiness, and prosperity; and may all nations seek and obtain the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Humbly, I pray for our country; sustain her, guide her, and return her to her noble purpose as freedom’s beacon.

Please join me and lift your prayers toward heaven on behalf of those who suffer and mourn, that they may one day receive God's tender mercies. Amen

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:23 GMT

Complicated grief disorder has been redefined as persistent complex bereavement disorder (PCBD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5). Persons suffering persistent complex bereavement disorder (PCBD) experience an extreme yearning for their deceased loved one over an extended or prolonged time. This grief disorder is unusually disabling and often accompanied by destructive thoughts and behaviors. These survivors are in pressing need of assistance from professional intervention as their experience destroys their ability to resume a healthy life on their own.

GRIEF BRIEF 214

BEREAVEMENT

Bereavement is the period of time spent adjusting to loss.

During bereavement, survivors generally experience varying levels of grief’s symptoms.

Shock, numbness, sadness, yearning, disbelief, fatigue, crying, emptiness, fear, anger, guilt, and pain are included as a few of the symptoms of grief.

Survivors may experience disturbances in their abilities to function at their usual capacity and may suffer changes in their daily patterns of eating, sleeping, working, tolerance levels, and interactions with others.

If these symptoms become incapacitating, or if the survivor suffers from them for a prolonged period of time (beyond six months), it may be prudent to consider the assistance of a mental health professional. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Persistent complex bereavement disorder (PCBD) is characterized by unshakeable grief that does not follow the general pattern of improvement over time; instead, individuals continue to experience persistent and intense emotions or moods and unusual, severe symptoms that impair major areas of functioning, or that cause extreme distress (Shear, Simon, Wall, Zisook, Duan, Reynolds, 2011).

The symptoms of grief closely correlate with the symptoms of persistent complex bereavement disorder (PCBD). The underlying difference is that the symptoms of grief generally correct themselves back to a place of functionality within a relatively brief period (usually within six months), while those who suffer persistent complex bereavement disorder experience a deepening intensity of symptoms in a continuing fashion.

Approximately 10 to 12 percent of bereaved individuals experience a syndrome of grief that does not resolve naturally and persists for an indefinite period with varying degrees of incapacitation. This has been labeled complicated or prolonged grief disorder and can have adverse long-term health effects (Prigerson, Horowitz, Jacobs, Parkes, Aslan, Goodkin, Raphael & Marwit, 2009). Normal grief is not generally considered a severe threat to the health and welfare of the survivor.

Certain risk factors seem associated with PCBD, including the first-degree relationship to the deceased, separation anxiety in childhood, controlling parents, abuse by or death of parents during childhood, a poorly functioning marriage or insecure attachment style prior to widowhood, emotional dependency of the deceased, lack of preparation for the death and in-hospital death of the loved one. (Ott, Lueger, Kebler & Prigerson, 2007) A prolonged state of abnormal grief has been associated with elevated rates of suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. Cancer, hypertension, and cardiac events are more likely after several years, and immune disorders and evidence of immune dysfunction are more frequent. Adverse health behaviors are more frequent and reported functional impairment is greater. Health care services are used to a greater extent, and more sick leave is taken. (Lannen, Wolfe, Prigerson, Onelov $ Kreicbergs, 2008) Personality traits such as a negative outlook and specific factors like a violent cause of death (such as suicide) may be associated with the onset of complicated grief, along with insecure attachment style or a history of trauma. Individuals who were formerly caregivers to the deceased may also be at greater risk. (Lobb, Kristjanson, Aoun, Monterosso, et al., 2010)

There is no single treatment method for PCBD, however, Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT), developed through Columbia University’s School of Social Work, has proven uniformly positive with an average response rate of 70 percent. Funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, CGT has been evaluated in three separate clinical trials. It is by far the most documented treatment offered for grief ailments.

Grief is not a voyage that one day ends. It is an ongoing, continuous journey. One does not experience the loss of a loved one and then, after a brief time, return to life as though nothing has happened. The death of a loved one changes the mechanical, psychological, and emotional make-up of a survivor’s life. Nothing is, nor ever will be, as it once was. These facts affect a change in the survival strategies of the living. For those who are unable to overcome these changes and implement new strategies of survival, PCBD looms on their horizon. These survivors have generally exhausted their supply of supportive companionship and their effectiveness of personal coping mechanisms. They live in a space without anywhere to turn for guidance, assistance, or peace. For these individuals, Complicated Grief Therapy may be their greatest life-preserver.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Three Questions

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:21 GMT

I received a phone call early Monday morning, asking if I would travel to a hospital in a neighboring city. The caller asked if I would assist a dying woman prepare for her final arrangements. As the conversation ended, I began printing the necessary documents to accomplish the request.

I arrived at the hospital and searched out the appropriate room. As I entered the care unit, nurses and attendants were anxiously awaiting my arrival. The nursing staff was accommodating in keeping their patient calm and comfortable during the planning and legalities of death’s preparation.

Although the dying woman has adult children, they were not in attendance as their mother’s death looms nearby. Her neighbor was there with her. Over the years, the dying woman and her neighbor have become very close friends. She, therefore, appointed her neighbor as her beneficiary, and in so doing, secured her dear friend as her next of kin.

As we worked through the details of death, I witnessed her neighbor periodically wipe away tears of sadness. Her anguish was predicated on their gifts of unconditional sacrifice and enduring friendship. These two women had experienced many trials in life, and as one would suffer, the other would shore her up. Their friendship was glorious, and witnessing the current physical suffering and mental anguish of her friend was more than the neighbor could bear.

As I completed my work, I approached the dying woman’s bedside. I stroked her hair and prayed to my Heavenly Father that he would comfort both women through the approaching loss of life. For the woman in bed, I prayed for comfort as she suffers the pain of dying, and peace as she faces the fear of her unknown future. For her neighbor, I prayed for spiritual support as she loses the companionship of her dear friend, and peace as loneliness floods her soul. As she stood beside her friend, I recognized the bewilderment in her eyes. Insecurities surrounding afterlife and salvation were wild within her.

Death is a bewildering time for many, who throughout their lives have not thought of, questioned, or sought answers relative to their next estate. Facing loss without exercised faith or a belief system is confusing and frightening. It is a time when one suddenly finds him or herself in desperate want of comforting knowledge. No matter how hard we try, the reaper pushes through our doors and takes our loved ones from us. At that moment of desperation, knowledge, and faith are priceless commodities.

The sharing of friendship and gifts of sacrifice evident in these two women were beautiful to witness. That all of God’s children should have such love and support at the close of life would be a priceless gift to their souls. I hope that as we travel through life, we will seek and find sufficient answers to those three baffling questions: “Who am I, why am I here, and where am I going?” I believe that the answers to these questions will bring us comfort and sustain us as we suffer the inevitable end of life.

It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XIV - Perspective, Tolerance, and Opinion

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:17 GMT

Loss changes your perspective, tolerance, and opinions on many things. In short, it changes your life because it changes you.

By far, the worst loss is the loss of your child. This loss is so debilitating that parents may never overcome the anguish thrust upon them. It may even be that grandparents are unable to recover from this loss. The loss of a child is beyond heartbreaking; it is soul breaking. It is unnatural, out of order, and the most challenging loss from which to recover.

Death from brutality is painfully close to the loss of a child. It is death that is uncalled for, unfair, and impossible to understand. A person who brutally takes the life of another should be taken from society. Should you suffer the double hit of brutal loss upon your child, your grief may rob you of your will to live, as well as, your ability to function at your standard capacity.

On the other hand, these types of loss may keenly fine-tune your intolerance for all things mediocre, shallow, or superficial. These types of loss, after the initial onslaught of grief, confusion, and anger can acutely focus and prioritize matters of significance from the inconsequential in nanoseconds.

The loss of any significant loved one changes the world within which we function. As a survivor, you must adjust and bear the consequences of life without your loved one near you. Their influence, love, and contributions to your life are gone, and you no longer enjoy the convenience of contact, or reliance, with them. You may now need to develop new talents, skills, friendships, and abilities. These changes may cause you discomfort, annoyance, and even anger. These are painful feelings to overcome because they are usually followed with guilt. Stacking discomfort, annoyance, anger, and guilt on top of extreme sorrow makes your recovery even more elusive.

What then does one do to recover from such debilitating grief? As a certified grief counselor, I could list a multitude of suggestions written by highly educated doctors, counselors, and psychologists. However, as a surviving grandmother trying to recover from the recent loss of my grandson, my list and advice are slightly different than they were a year ago. I have suffered undeniable heartache over his loss, and immense pain watching my daughter fight her way back from the depths of her anguish. Even my tiny grandchildren have suffered the ravages of grief as they have experienced the tragic loss of their baby brother. His loss has changed our lives because it has changed us.

As I have traveled this inexpressible sea of anguish, I have found that suggestions made through educated hypothesis have been somewhat ineffectual. What has brought me the most significant relief and recovery are those things that have touched my soul. Where words are inadequate, a gentle touch of the hand, or expressive eyes glancing into my own, deliver empathy rather than sympathy. Spiritual experiences from a power beyond my understanding have reached my sufferings and replaced them with peace and comfort. For these things, I am grateful.

My new list of recovery suggestions based on the experience of significant loss are these:

Take care of your spiritual needs because love is a spiritual gift.

If you believe in a higher being, communicate openly and honestly with him or her. If you believe in the forces of the universe or nature, mediate and invite peace to return to you.

Spend time with the people you love, even if that time is spent in silence. You need the support of their love to heal your soul.

Ask people to pray or meditate for you, and be grateful for their willingness to supplicate on your behalf.

Believe that recovery will one day be yours and actively seek it without ceasing.

Accept grief as proof that you loved someone so deeply that life without them is more painful than life with them ever was.

When you think things are improving be prepared for bad days to hit you square in the face. Realize that you are having better days, once in a while, and appreciate them.

Understand that recovery takes time. The depth of your love didn’t develop overnight; neither will its recovery.

Be grateful for the gift of love and share it with those who remain near and dear to you.

Rely on your spiritual nature to guide and direct you through the anguish that will haunt you.

Determine, direct, and control the outcome of your recovery by humbly accepting and exercising the spiritual gifts that are graciously distilled upon you.

Accept that life has changed and that it will never be the same. If you let it, grief can turn your life from warmth and love to bitterness and cold. You are the gatekeeper here; you must determine the direction of your life.

Loss has changed my perspective, tolerance, and opinions on many things. In short, it has changed my life because it has changed me. I pray that through the ravages of grief, you will recognize your strength, develop and exercise your spiritual power and that one day soon, you will find your way back to peace.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

My difficult Friend

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:15 GMT

Yesterday, as I was working in my office, one of my assistants asked me if she should publish a memory submitted on our website. I asked her why she wouldn’t, and she read this submission to me.

” Helen was her youngest sister, not her daughter. She was my “difficult” Aunt. She was lonely because she was the meanest person anyone ever met. No one could stand (to be) around her. She did her best to ruin her daughter’s life and actually succeeded. There are no warm gentle memories of her because she lacked the ability to be compassionate or kind or loving. My uncle said she was mean because she was raised by their grandparents. I don’t know what that means. She was a toxic human and even (though) her faith was strong I will never believe she learned what it meant to be a loving kind human.” (QueenCityFuneralHome.com/Obituaries)

It just so happens, that the woman whom this writer describes was a friend of mine. I buried her a few years ago. Upon her death, I wrote an article about her entitled “A Difficult Woman.” While my friend was indeed a difficult woman, she was not mean. At least, in the latter years of her life, when I became friends with her, her meanness was gone. She did, however; remain awkward and somewhat unapproachable.

The issue for my friend was that as her mortality became a looming reality, she desired to make amends with those whom she had become estranged. Unfortunately, during that last stage of life, she lacked the social skills and physical strength to obtain her goal. In her innermost self, however, my friend wanted friends, she tried her very best to be friendly. Unfortunately, my friend did not know how to become the person she so desperately wanted to be; an approachable, friendly person.

I instructed my assistant to publish the posting. Although the words are unflattering to my friend, she probably earned them. As she is deceased, her niece’s words will not harm her, however, not publishing them would stifle the writer’s recovery from the pain of grief, the sting of abuse, and the opportunity of peace.

My friend may not have been the kindest woman to her niece. However, knowing her as I did, I know that although she would have found it difficult to express her sorrow for her dreadful actions toward her niece, she would have wanted me to assist her survivors in any way possible to recover from any ill behavior she may have imposed during her lifetime.

GRIEF BRIEF 35

FROZEN IMPERFECTION

While it is true that none of us is perfect, at the moment of death, imperfection is frozen.

Unfinished business remains unfinished; estrangement remains estranged, meanness remains mean, etc.

Death robs the living of the opportunity for resolution and blocks the comfort of peace.

(Mourning Light, 2016)

My friend is dead. Her unkind and thoughtless deeds toward others, however, remain as painful reminders of a legacy she strove daily to overcome. Unfortunately, her imperfection is frozen in her niece’s heart, and, I fear, in many others.

I wish my friend’s niece could have known her toward the end of her life. Perhaps she would have met the woman that I knew; a woman struggling to overcome lifelong habits distasteful even to herself.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Funeral Service - A Life Changer

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:14 GMT

Funeral Service is a unique business. A funeral director meets her clients on the worst day of their lives and helps them traverse the daunting task of laying significant loved ones to rest. There are many decisions that must be made that affect the estate in which the survivor may now reside, legal issues involving wealth, dependents, and beneficiaries, and events that usher in and establish the effectiveness of closure, as well as the grief experience in general. These decisions are often made under the information shared through the knowledge and experience of one’s funeral director. For these reasons, it is immensely important that a funeral director is well informed, educated, and abreast of current trends, regulations, and laws.

Funeral service can be a thankless profession. If you are considering a career in funeral service, expect that once you begin serving families, your invitations to social events may dwindle and that the nature of your social invitations may significantly change. You should also be aware that friends and family, although continuing to love you, may not desire your physical attendance as they face the end of life. Rejection is perhaps one of the most difficult challenges you will experience, as quite often, the person dying, may very well be, someone significant to you as well. Once death occurs, however, those to whom your presence was previously imposing, suddenly cannot function without your assistance, and need you there beside them faster than the speed of light. It is wise from the get-go to understand that your life will significantly change should you pursue this profession.

Once interment/inurnment is accomplished, whether your client was family, friend, or stranger, you may find they may no longer desire your company; not because they do not like you, rather your presence stirs their pain and reminds them that life has changed beyond their desire, comfort, or expectation. Love is a spiritual emotion and eternal commitment. Due to these attributes, your physical self opens a highly volatile, spiritual emotion that is painful beyond expression in the soul of the survivor. It is a wound that the survivor is trying to heal. Seeing you rips the band-aid straight off of their heart without warning.

It is challenging to know and see that your presence causes others significant pain. There have been many occasions over the years, where I have had to excuse myself as I have witnessed the pain suffered by friends, family, and clients upon my arrival at various events. Their anxiety causes me pain, and so to save each of us from an evening of woe, I quietly leave the event.

The professional demands upon a funeral director increase yearly. Various clubs, as well as, professional and faith-based organizations often call upon funeral directors for their expertise, guidance, and counseling. I find that my professional calendar explodes with invitations to galas, professional interviews, and political and educational events. My time, indeed, is no longer my own. Should you have children, a spouse, or even a private social life, anticipate the struggle that will pull you in opposite directions. Prepare those whom you love to understand that others need you at inopportune moments and that their needs supersede entertainment, social, and other personal events.

Changing my profession mid-stream in life was a wonderful gift to my soul. Although I enjoyed the success and accolades of being a professional artist, being a funeral director gives my life a more significant purpose. Now when people become aware of my artistic talents, I am at liberty to politely decline their offers for commissions. I have the opportunity to paint according to my motivation rather than my need for support. That changes my choices in selecting the people for whom I share my artistic talents. It brings me comfort to paint and share artistic beauty as a gift rather than for hire.

Being a funeral director allows me to soften the pain experienced by God’s children as they suffer through the most devastating experience ever known to man, the loss of their loved ones. I am here to protect them through a time when they are unable to defend themselves due to the vulnerabilities that death places upon them, and hopefully shine a light on the beauty and privilege of time they shared with their loved one.

I cherish my work. It has placed love in my heart for people I would otherwise never have met, and new opportunities within my reach to serve the bereaved and help them live on. People often ask me why I changed my career from the glamour of being a successful artist to that of a funeral director. My reply is that my work has always been divinely influenced and that I am grateful for the opportunities to serve that each career has brought into my life. I wouldn’t change a moment or lose an experience in either profession.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XIII - Grief Recovery

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:12 GMT

Part of my workload today was to reformat a book that I wrote some time ago. As I neared the end of the book, I came to the pages that contain articles written about a dear friend of mine who died years ago. Once I finished my task of reformatting, I realized that I had accomplished my work without overwhelming sadness.

I was quite impressed as I realized that I am at last able to read articles about my dear friend without heartache. Grief recovery is a wonderful milestone. I couldn't help but wonder, however, how long it will be until I can read about, or reflect upon, the loss of my beloved grandson Mikey Joe, without overwhelming sadness. His loss took the breath right out of my existence, and it has yet to return.

Fortunately, I am no longer smitten each morning and evening as I offer prayers of thanksgiving for the abundant blessings I enjoy with overwhelming heartache. The heartache remains within my soul. However, I am better able to function and accomplish my daily tasks without constantly battling my emotions for outward composure.

I suppose that is improvement and movement toward recovery. However, I wonder if I will ever be able to think of Mikey Joe without great sorrow and emptiness? Yesterday, my five-year-old grandson, Austin, Facetimed me over my phone. He wanted to see his baby brother, Mikey Joe's grave and say goodnight to him. As I pointed the camera toward his tiny brother's grave, which is located just outside of my family room window, I heard him say, "Goodnight Mikey Joe, I love you, and I miss you." Then as he fought for control, I heard him add, "I wish you could come to play with me." He then sent his baby brother an air kiss and hug, and their poignant conversation was finished. I turned the camera back toward me, and my little grandson added, "I love you, Sweet Tea, and I miss you too." With his sweet eyes filled with tears and his tiny voice cracking, he fought for emotional control and continued, "I wish you could come to see me, Sweet Tea. I'll send you a postcard." By then, I was so choked up that I could barely tell him that I love him, I miss him, and that I too wish that I could travel to visit him.

My grandchildren live in Hawaii, and I live in East Texas. Owning a funeral home does not allow me to journey away from home in any direction for more than an hour's travel time. With that in mind, and with the expense of air travel, I very rarely get to see my grandchildren. I miss them so much. The loss of their baby brother makes it even more painful to have them so far away.

I was encouraged by the newly experienced ease of accepting the loss of my dear friend, Preston. I hope one day that I will be able to accept the distance between my grandchildren's home and my own, as well as the loss of my grandson with half of that ease.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the "Mikey Joe Children's Memorial" and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB's Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

My Greatest Blessings

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:10 GMT

I met with a daughter and her mother this week. It was a tender and refreshing experience. The mother suffered from Alzheimer ’s disease, and was at times, a bit confused. Her daughter would gently help her try to recall the details of her life as she struggled to make decisions relating to her future death. I was deeply touched by the tenderness and love the daughter exercised as she worked through this daunting experience with her darling mother.

My eldest daughter is in Funeral College, and as she is interning at our funeral home, she was in the arrangement conference for observation. I watched the mother and daughter and observed their affection for each other. I looked at my own loving, and gentle daughter, and pain struck my heart as I realized that one day, she would be in the same situation as my client. My daughter will one day sit with me as I struggle through whatever disease strikes me as my life draws to a close, tenderly encouraging me to persevere, and she, like my client, will do so with unwavering patience and love. She already does.

Each of my daughters takes care of me and helps make my life a peaceful and pleasurable experience. They clean my home, mow my lawn, take me shopping, and cook dinner for their father and me each evening. Their kindness to us is so deeply rooted that I stand in awe of them each and every day.

At the close of our conference, I ushered my client and her mother to the door. I thanked the daughter for her kindness to her mother. As I prepared for bed that evening, I thanked God for the blessing of witnessing such gentle care from a caring daughter to her aging mother. I also thanked Him for the three blessings in my life, Elizabeth, Holly, and Heather, and the remarkable life I have enjoyed by being their mother. I gave thanks for my grandchildren, and the unfettered love my husband bestows upon me.

When I was a young mother, I did not realize how deeply my children would bless my life as age takes hold of my being. My only regret in life is that it must end and that its end closes my earthly association with my beloved children, grandchildren, and husband. I believe, however, that families are forever, and that as our children and grandchildren follow the natural order of life, they will join my husband and me on the other side of the veil, bringing to a close the pain of separation. I believe this with every fiber of my being.

I hope that your life is as sweet and tender as mine has been and that you enjoy the blessings of children, grandchildren, and spousal adoration and love. God’s opportunity to return to Him through grace, with our families intact, is His most magnificent expression of love to us, and His greatest blessing offered to all of His children on earth.

I believe that I will see my children in the presence of my Lord, that we will join each other sealed under the Holy bonds of matrimony that their father and I enjoy, and that we will be in His presence, as we are here, a family saved by grace. I hope you believe this too.

That you take part in the richness of these blessings is my humblest of prayers.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XII - Death Occurs

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:09 GMT

I was reading an article this weekend about a prominent woman who recently miscarried her baby. Upon miscarriage, she temporarily stepped out of the public limelight. The public would not accept her absence without all sorts of speculation, and thus, she came forward to explain herself and save her reputation.

The miscarriage of a wee babe creates an emotional and sometimes psychological nightmare for the mother, father, siblings, grandparents, and others close to the immediate family. A tragedy has occurred within this small circle of human beings, and an appropriate amount of time is required for healing and recovery. They need support, understanding, and at times, privacy.

Tragically, sectors of society have misplaced, or have been mislead, in regard and value for human life. The entanglement of love that one carries for another is spiritual charity. Spiritual charity materializes upon conception and extends beyond death. Were this untrue, grief would not exist.

It is the virtue of spiritual charity that drives human beings into civility. Those who have misplaced, lost, or suppressed their spiritual charity may become callous toward loss of life, uncaring or impatient toward those who grieve, or brutal toward those whose precepts disagree with their own. They may become enormously dangerous to everyone as they carry a valueless worth for human life. Tolerance may disappear. In short, brutality and even murder may become commonly acceptable to them.

The existence of life prior to birth is a difficult concept for some to understand. If we juxtapose the life cycle of a plant with the creation of human life, it seems easier to comprehend. When a farmer harvests a seed from his or her crop, the potential for growth, or creation of life, exists. Once the seed is planted, and the elements for germination are added, the seed will sprout into a living plant that will eventually produce and bear fruit. Germination of the seed is the beginning of the plant’s lifecycle. Were you to withhold life-sustaining elements, or pull the sprout out of its growing environment; it would die. The sprout would never mature, crest the earth’s surface, or complete its life cycle of producing and bearing fruit.

The beginning of life is the same for human beings. Scientifically, reproductive cells are the seeds for human life. Conception is to human beings as germination is to plants. The division of human cells, containing the perfect and equal distribution of DNA, is the immediate organization, or sprouting, of human life upon conception. Were you to withhold life-sustaining elements, or pull the fetus (sprout) out of its growing environment (the womb), its life would cease, and death would occur.

The loss of a human being is much more significant and precious than the loss of a plant. However, the lifecycle assists us in understanding that life begins upon germination for plants, and conception for human beings. The evidence is that life requires life-sustaining elements to survive. If life-sustaining elements are withheld, not only does growth discontinue, but death occurs. Death can only occur where life has previously existed. This is precisely why parents and family members grieve unborn children. They grieve the loss of new life created upon conception.

Last year I suffered the loss of my grandson as my daughter miscarried his sweet little body. She searched for the reasons that caused his death. She wondered if her activity, stress, age, weight, etc. caused his loss of life. Had she eaten the wrong things? Were her pre-natal vitamins sub-standard? Her search for answers never ceases. She traveled back to the mainland to visit her original ob-gyn to see if he would be able to help her understand what her physicians in Hawaii could not. His findings were the same as before; her son’s life was lost due to uncertain unsustainable reasons.

In the article that I read, the author quoted statistics stating that grandparents usually suffer painful grief for two to four years after a miscarriage occurs. I recently passed the first anniversary of my grandson’s loss. I no longer cry every day, but every other day would not be an exaggeration. Little things bring the pain of his loss to my heart, and tears suddenly flood my eyes. I never know what will awaken my grief, a ball rolling in the street, a child playing, or the sight of an expecting mother’s joy, just to name a few. I miss my little Mikey Joe, and although I never saw him until the heartbreaking moment that I held his tiny lifeless body in my hands, my heart will always reserve spiritual charity for him. No one and nothing will ever rob me of the love I hold deep in my soul for my precious grandson whose life was lost in his mother’s womb. Life-sustaining elements were ineffectual, growth discontinued, and his life was lost before his birth. Not everyone understands that, but I do. My grandson’s death occurred in his mother’s womb when his life ended.

The author of the article and my daughter have something tragic in common; they each grieve for a lost child. Each will carry never ceasing, torturous anguish until the moment they die. On that day, joy will fill their hearts as they embrace the tiny soul withheld from them in life.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Absence of Your Funeral

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:07 GMT

My daughters and I love watching old Doris Day movies. She was so talented, beautiful, and sang with the voice of a lark. Now that my daughters have daughters of their own, our tradition of watching Doris Day continues throughout the generations of our family.

We were saddened to hear last month that Doris Day had died. She was a great lady and a stalwart cynophilist. Unfortunately, the latter years of her life were sad and reclusive. As such, she requested no funeral and no grave marker upon her death. Doris Day leaves surviving decedents and a large fan base to grieve her loss without closure. She unknowingly robbed many of them of the essential elements of healing.

Less than a year ago another great entertainer died, Aretha Franklin. Ms. Franklin went out with a bang. Her services were attended by former US Presidents, Governors, Athletes, Entertainers, and Religious figures. Her body was displayed in high diva fashion with wardrobe changes expressing her concept of life and how it should be lived. Her family, friends, and fans had ample opportunities to pay their respects, realize the reality of her death, and begin their recovery journey.

The differences between the two star’s funerals are noteworthy. They represent their concepts on life, self-value, and love. Doris Day was well loved, but she felt that life had abandoned her in so many aspects; therefore, in death, she abandoned the living by taking a quiet, non-eventful exit out of stage door left. She displayed her self-worth as small and did not understand her value to those who remained ever loving and respectful from afar. Sadly, her perceptions may have been the result of physiological manipulation.

Aretha Franklin lived her life and its tragedies wide open. She shared her story as it happened, as well as, the close of her life with everyone. She created a celebration that included all who had ever loved her. All were welcome, and no one was left out. She set the stage for those left behind to know that she loved them, appreciated the life they had shared with her, and that even though she was gone from them, her life, talents, and spiritual gifts were celebrations for all to continue experiencing.

Everyone has the right to choose their end of life services; however, it would be prudent to realize that your services are not for you. Your end of life services are for those whom you leave behind, those who must continue on without the comfort and security of your presence, and for those who have no assurances, only memories, of your love and influences. Your death, depending on how you chose to present it, can shore up the lives of your survivors and give them confidence in their future, or it can rip the ground right out from under them and shred their confidence into a nightmare of pathological psychosis.

Some argue that friends and family who did not visit them, or who may have offended them, should not have the privilege of farewell. Why is this concept irrational? The answer is simple: upon your death, a realization of finality wakes up the hearts of those who might not have realized that their absence or their actions were hurtful to you. Suddenly, the security of your being is gone from them, and your living influence no longer resides in the same dimension as they do. These realizations can be earth shattering and might potentially retard success or growth in your survivors. Indeed, such actions can even lead to additional deaths among those whom you hold, or held, dear.

Furthermore, you may have misunderstood the reasons or causes for particular survivor’s absences from you or actions toward you. What may have seemed menial to you may have been survival for them. Contrarily, what may have seemed monumental to you may have seemed minuscule to your survivors. At any rate, as we mature and move toward life’s end, it is incumbent upon us to adhere to a higher purpose, realize that our time was not inconsequential to those whom we leave behind, and prepare for our legacy to enhance, not hinder, those lives who have been within our influence.

Our duty or purpose in life is to improve it for ourselves and others as we travel toward our inevitable end of days. The measure of our legacy is the degree of life’s improvements realized by those who survive our loss. If we rob those who may need a final opportunity to clear their souls from potential anguish or growth, no matter what our accomplishments, our legacy is incomplete and our purpose less effective. What a failure of purpose when one becomes exactly whom they resent simply by mirroring the distasteful behavior.

Although the absence of funeral services may injure survivors, it is not my opinion that Miss Day forwent services in an attempt to harm anyone. I believe that her absence of services expressed her loss of self-worth and what she perceived as a loss of esteem among her survivors and fans. My heart breaks for the loneliness and distorted reality she endured. If I knew her place of internment, I would purchase the plot next to her and anonymously place a monument in honor of her kindness to animals and incredible talents she unselfishly shared with those who adored her.

The world was favored with two wonderfully talented entertainers; both influenced and enhanced my life. I shall miss each of them.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

A Lock of Hair

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:05 GMT

My eldest daughter and her sweet family recently moved to Texas. They reside next door. It is wonderful to have my grandchildren so close. My daughter has joined me at the funeral home as we are expanding this year and I need her help.

As my work is now her mother’s work too, my granddaughter and I were having a conversation about funeral homes and death in general. Last year I cremated my daughter’s mother-in-law, so my granddaughter and I were discussing cremation in particular. I mentioned that in days gone by, people would keep a lock of their loved one’s hair upon death. My granddaughter thought that this was an extremely odd tradition. I explained that during the Victorian Era, women would weave and crochet a decedent’s hair into art pieces. Also, that these art pieces grew each time another loved one passed, as their hair would be added to the arrangement in the form of a new leaf or flower. My granddaughter was dismayed by this information. I saved the best for last, however, and told her that for particularly significant loved ones, a woman would weave and crochet the hair locks into meticulously detailed jewelry. My little granddaughter was absolutely appalled.

We spoke about her grandmother’s death last year and the process of cremating a body. I asked her if she had saved a lock of her grandmother’s hair? In wonderful nine-year-old demonstrative fashion, she assured me that she certainly had not because that would “just be gross.” I asked her, “Wouldn’t you like to have a piece of jewelry to wear, made from her hair so that you could always have part of her with you? Then when you wanted to remember her, you could wear it or get it out and look at it?” She replied, “Me Maw, that’s gross! I wouldn’t wear a part of a dead person’s body as jewelry. That’s sick.”

“Oh, I understand what you’re saying,” I replied. “I agree that it is gross to wear a piece of a decedent’s body as jewelry. That’s why it grosses me out when people wear a decedent’s cremains around their necks in little decorative containers.”

Instantly, my granddaughter jumped into defensive mode. “Uhn uhn, Me Maw. That’s not gross. My daddy wears a necklace with my grandmother’s cremains around his neck.” And, that’s when it hit her.

My granddaughter took a moment to process our conversation. It was an excellent opportunity to teach that traditions create heritage and that just because one generation did something that may seem distasteful to us, we should not label it as unacceptable simply because we do not understand it, or it is currently unfashionable. There are many variables to evaluate long before a judgment is made, for, or against a tradition. Indeed, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” (William Shakespeare)

The passé tradition of wearing a lock of a loved one’s hair as jewelry, or weaving it into an art piece to hang on your wall, may currently be perceived as morbid, however during the age of Victoria, upon death, a lock of hair was all that could be sanitarily salvaged and preserved. Today, we subscribe to the same tradition, but we substitute a lock of hair with a decedent’s cremains. Unlike the bygone era of Victoria, today, cremation is readily available. It is also sanitary and modernly acceptable. For the Victorians, incinerating a loved one’s body was not at all acceptable. It was downright barbaric.

Today we wear cremains around our necks because the wearing of a loved one’s remains, remains an acceptable tradition of comfort and love. Overtime, traditions enhance our existence; however, as we modernize, we revamp our traditions to suit our perceptions of palatability. Even so, whether you wear a lock of hair, or cremains, around your neck, our tradition of doing so, is simply a rose that still smells as sweet.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:03 GMT

When was the last time you laughed? Think about that for a moment. If you cannot remember when that was, perhaps it is time for you to begin laughing again.

When someone we love dies, it may be difficult for us to laugh. Our hearts may not be capable of finding joy in things that we see or experience. We may be engulfed in a sea of sorrow, pain, or even regret. We may not feel like laughing, or we may be keeping to ourselves rather than socializing. These behaviors are normal and for a time acceptable. After a while, however, the time will come when these behaviors are no longer healthy.

Laughter is a gift from God. “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.” Job 8:21 As we know, other than Christ, Job suffered more than a person should be called upon to withstand, yet within his anguish, he still carried love, patience, and thanksgiving in his heart. If you have lost your ability or desire to love, practice patience, or offer thanksgiving, perhaps it is time to try welcoming a bit of laughter back into your world.

Grief causes enormous levels of tension, stress, and pain in our bodies. If unchecked, it can even cause death. Laughter releases endorphins, lowers stress levels, and soothes anxiety. Laughter is the anti-venom for grief.

Initially, laughter might bring on feelings of discomfort or guilt; that is to be expected. You are grieving and laughter is not common during grief. Eventually, after a laugh or two, you will understand the value of allowing laughter back into your life. You might only be able to muster up a small chuckle at first; no need to worry. Eventually, your laughter will return and you will experience the benefits of joy, enduring love, and freedom from unyielding pain and sorrow.

Your life will never be as it once was. A scar of loss will forever remain upon your heart. A scar is a tribute to an injury. As healing materializes, pain minimizes, and a scar seals up the wound. A scar is evidence of triumph.

Remember those days when laughter came freely, and joy filled your heart? Those days are just around the corner. They will return in due time. When that day comes, the stress, pain, and anxiety of grief will have stepped aside.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe XI - Yanked

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:02 GMT

As I was researching bereavement this weekend, I stumbled across an article written by a mother who had lost her young son. As I read the article, the reality of losing my grandson, Mikey Joe, last year was yanked forward in my mind, and my eyes welled with tears. Near the end of the article, I realized that my heart not only hurt for the author, but for myself and my darling daughter, as despair filled my soul.

GRIEF BRIEF 176

YANKED

Grief is all-consuming; it is no respecter of persons or time.

You may have several weeks of great recovery and suddenly find yourself in the pitfalls of despair.

This is a normal response.

Eventually, despair and loneliness will be replaced with kind and fond memories.

Even so, you will be yanked back from time to time by the least little insignificant thing. (Mourning Light II, Tracy Renee Lee)

The mother in the article wrote about the heartache she sustained and the impossibilities associated with continuing on in life as though nothing of significance had happened to her. The holidays were of particular concern, and she wanted people to understand that she could be thankful for her blessings, and heartbroken by her circumstances at the same moment. Her heart yearned to hear her child’s name spoken out loud by those who knew and loved her, but people were too afraid to say it.

GRIEF BRIEF 212

SAYING AND HEARING YOUR LOVED ONE’S NAME

Saying and hearing your loved one’s name is essential to grief recovery.

Unfortunately, friends, family, and acquaintances are unaware that speaking your loved one’s name actually has a healing effect and therefore avoid the mere mention of it.

For those who have not endured significant loss, avoidance seems the natural discipline. Help them overcome this awkward concept by being the ice breaker. Consciously strive to be the first person at any event to say your loved one’s name. Offer a story or interesting fact about him or her so that everyone will feel more at ease and will feel free to engage in comforting conversation without fear of increasing your anguish.

At first, this practice may be incredibly difficult. You may shed tears or need to pause as tender feelings tear at your soul. Doing this, however, may increase the speed of your recovery and assist you in moving yourself into your new reality much quicker than expected. (Mourning Light III, Tracy Renee Lee)

It is unfortunate that friends, family, and acquaintances fear mentioning the name of a decedent or speaking about your loss. In their efforts to spare your feelings, they have accomplished the exact opposite. The act of ignoring your pain actually increases it. There is no escaping the reality of your loss, but others do not know how to approach you or what to say to you. Unfortunately, the discomfort and awkwardness of those who care for you are part of your reality.

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MISCONCEPTION OF KINDNESS

When loss has occurred, family, friends, and acquaintances are afraid of sharing memories of the decedent as they fear that sharing them will cause the survivor increased loneliness and pain.

It is not their fault that they do not understand your healing needs.

In reality, hearing and sharing loving, funny, awkward, and even touching memories of your decedent encourage the healing powers of recovery.

Because the tradition of such conversation has long been accepted as impertinent and merciless, the only way to correct this misconception is for the bereft to educate those about them.

As a survivor, you must realize that you are the expert of your recovery needs. Those around you are at a disadvantage of not knowing what to say or do to help you. Therefore, in an attempt of kindness, they quite often say and do nothing.

It is time for this “Misconception of Kindness” to be exposed for what it truly is. Ignoring and acting as though a survivor’s loss is conversationally taboo magnifies their isolation and associated pain. (Mourning Light III, Tracy Renee Lee)

My weekend was dappled with tender moments of missing and longing for the sweet touch of my beloved grandson, Mikey Joe. Through it, however, I realized that recovery, although slow in fruition, has planted its much longed for glorious seed.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Pain of Living

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:40:00 GMT

It is sad when the pain of living overwhelms a person, and they feel that they would be better off dead. I am not talking about suicide; I am talking about giving up on life.

As a funeral director, I see cases where people have simply given up. I bury them quite often. I wonder if one day I might be one of those people. Could I ever choose to give up on life and yearn for death instead?

People will come to the funeral home to plan their services and ask me, “Why can’t I just die?” Others articulate, “Why am I still here?” Sometimes loneliness motivates their desire to die, other times self-loathing or guilt is too much for them to bear. More times than not, however, I find that pain and/or illness are the big death motivators. Nevertheless, it is very disconcerting that some people find the pain of living so overwhelming that they invite, and even yearn for death to take them. It would seem that longevity might be overrated.

Families seem to transition more easily when a loved one passes under these motivators rather than under a cloud of suicide. Family members have usually cared for the loved one as they have transitioned from enjoying life to painfully enduring it. These experiences seem to prepare family members for the result of losing their loved one. Under these circumstances, I often hear remarks stating, “It was just her/his time” or “he/she is in a better place.”

A death actuated from a lack of desire to live is generally deemed a natural death or one of natural causes. To me, however, the desire to bring on death by giving up on life - is most unnatural. Although after rolling out of bed from another painful and sleepless night, I wonder if, after too many more years of this, I might also desire to see death at my door. I hope not, I have so much to live for.

To willfully court death is abnormal. Through observation, it occurs to me that people who cannot endure the pain of living perhaps lack fulfillment in the deficiency needs. The four lower tiers of Maslow’s Theory of Hierarchy, aka. The Deficiency Needs consisting of Physical, Security, Social, and Ego, evoke extreme anxiety in their absence. Could it be this anxiety that motivates one to focus on the pain of living rather than the joy of life? Moreover, could this anxiety be the catapult, which brings human beings to a place, where they give up their will to live?

It is only after the deficiency needs are fulfilled that one can begin to experience the final layer of self-actualization. Self-actualization is where joy and fulfillment are realized. If Maslow’s Theory is correct and if the failure to achieve the deficiency needs brings on such anxiety, forceful enough to suffocate the will to live from human beings, how sad is it that all we need to do is tend to the needs of our fellow beings to eradicate the pain of living.

Simple service between human beings presents itself as a moderate investment with big payoffs. Turning a life away from misery and over to joy is a worthy gift indeed. Sharing your smile or cheerful words costs you nothing; however, such a tiny effort can change someone’s will to die over to a will to live.

As a licensed funeral practitioner (FDIC/EIC) and Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), I have my own theory: “People choose their deaths through habits, choices, and attitudes.” Wouldn’t it be wonderful if a simple act of kindness changed someone’s habits, choices, or attitudes back to a place where their will to live overtakes their pain of living?

That is my challenge to myself. To reach out to those who suffer the pain of living and serve them in a way that their will to live returns. Won’t you join my challenge and make it your own?

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Difficult Decisions

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:57 GMT

I buried my friend’s husband this weekend. He was much too young to die. He had a heart attack about a week prior to his death.

Our town is very tiny, so hospitals are not equipped for cases requiring extensive care to survive catastrophic events. Therefore, when my friend called me, the call came from a hospital in Dallas TX rather than the one downtown from my home.

She said that her husband was not doing at all well and that if he did not improve over the weekend, she would be faced with a difficult decision. Monday morning, she called me once more. Although her husband remained living, she asked me if I would be able to handle his services once mechanically sustained life support ended.

It is very kind of friends and loved ones to call me ahead of death’s arrival and ask me if I am up to handling my chosen field of labor. I find that only those who genuinely love me call and ask me that question. In their deepest depths of fear and confusion, those who genuinely love me, take the time to worry whether or not the death of their loved one will be too close to my heart for me to bear. That is a very dear consideration.

I assured her that I could do this for her, in fact, I begged her to let me. You see, I went into funeral service to serve those that suffer, even when my heart is involved. I am compelled to help and comfort those who mourn. When family or friends go to another funeral provider, it saddens me that I will not be of assistance to them, that I will not be able to ensure that their needs are met, and that I will not be there to protect them from those who would abuse or take advantage of them. My heart yearns to help even though I cannot.

My friend’s husband died that very afternoon. I arranged for his transport back to our area so that we could prepare for his services. We buried him Friday afternoon. His service was sweet and touching. He had been such a kind man, giving of his time, his heart, and his abundance. During his life, he helped the needy, served the sick, and fed the hungry. He cherished his wife and his children and understood that not everyone has been treated fairly in life. Her husband was also my friend, and I will miss him.

Lori must now live with the decision to end life support for her husband, Hogan. She and I talked a bit about that. Hogan had asked his cherished wife to give him a fighting chance. She followed his wishes implicitly.

Today, Hogan has been gone for a full week. I feel his loss deeply in my soul. He was a man of honor, a man to be emulated. My life has been blessed by virtue of our association. As I continue my life, I will keep a little bit of Hogan in my heart. I will help others, I will serve gladly, and I will greet each day with a smile as I remember and emulate his goodness.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe X - Tomorrow

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:55 GMT

Tomorrow will be my grandson’s first birthday. It will also be the first anniversary of his death. My daughter, his mother, is picking up his one-year birthday cake from the bakery this morning. She is also seeing her doctor in hopes of an all-clear for expanding her family.

Tomorrow we will celebrate our love for my tiny grandson who rests buried within the grounds of our funeral home. We will also address the sorrows we have endured this past year. If my daughter receives the all-clear from her doctor, we will have another reason to celebrate; the news that she and her husband may soon be able to pursue pregnancy.

My daughter and her husband are fortunate. The death of their son did not destroy their marriage. They have beaten the odds and have enjoyed a closer more loving marriage in the face of extreme sorrow.

GRIEF BRIEF 150

LOSS OF A CHILD

It is thought that the loss of a child will bring a husband and wife closer together. In reality, the opposite is more common. If you have suffered the loss of a child, you may find that professional counseling might help a great deal. (Mourning Light II, Tracy Renee Lee, 2016)

My daughter has spent this past year recovering from the loss of her wee babe. She has concentrated on the rearing of her other children, helping herself and her husband through the grief recovery process, and preparing her body in anticipation of a new pregnancy.

I am proud of my daughter. In the face of extreme sorrow, she has taken hold of her future and moved it to where she would have it be. Rather than lose herself in the sea of anguish that engulfed her, she made a plan of recovery and followed through with it. She remains forever changed, saddened with a wounded heart that will never forget the pain and anguish of losing her son.

My daughter is great at compartmentalizing life’s trials and understands that growth must continue. She is an intelligent and determined woman and refuses to be lost forever in a prison of stifling pain. She has responsibilities and purpose in life, and she does not ignore them.

GRIEF BRIEF 209

DISCOVER YOUR PURPOSE

While the first key to recovery is to decide to recover, the second key to recovery is to discover your purpose in life.

Without a purpose in life, it is impossible to recover to an acceptable standard of comfort.

You must have a purpose, a direction on which to focus your heart, mind, and efforts. Without such a purpose, your mind will dwell on the pain of your loss, and soon you will drown in anguish.

Your will alone will not bring total recovery. You must merge it with your minds ability to discern your purpose intellectually; your hearts desire to serve, love, and accomplish that purpose; and your efforts to achieve your purposeful goals.

With profound purpose, your soul will redirect your energies toward its accomplishment, and the by-product will be grief recovery. (Mourning Light, Tracy Renee Lee)

This past year has brought great sorrow to the hearts of our family. Losing a beloved baby has been excruciatingly painful. Like our daughter, my husband and I have dedicated ourselves to our purpose: service to others.

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SERVICE

Service to others brings instant movement away from the pain and anguish of grief. It moves your focus from the pain you suffer onto the needs of others. This redirection of focus brings progress to your life and allows your heart, mind, and efforts to carry your soul back to a meaningful and peaceful existence.

Service will not shrink the significance of your loss; it merely shrinks your focus on that loss. Shrinking your focus shrinks your pain.

Your focus of mind paired with your actions of service, work in concert to enlarge your ability to experience joy and peace once again. With that in mind, service should be your go-to treatment for recovery. (Mourning Light, Tracy Renee Lee)

This past year has been filled with service projects for our family. By focusing our thoughts and actions on the needs of others, our own trials seemed to step aside moving our sorrows to a place of less prominence. That is a much more comfortable place for grief to reside.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Financial Preparedness

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:54 GMT

As a business owner, I work with budgets daily. Ensuring that a business has adequate operating capital is paramount to sustainability. Prior to retirement, my husband was enlisted in the US Navy. Such employment necessitated strict budgeting if we wanted to provide a decent home and food on the table for our children. As a mother, I taught the principles of budgeting and frugal living to my children so that as they matured and left home, they would not meet with the pitfalls of stifling debt and poverty.

As a funeral director, I genuinely appreciate clients who understand their finances and budget for the expenses of death. Survivors who walk through the door with insurance or savings are infinitely better prepared, not only for the costs of burial but for the loss of income that is inevitably sustained through companion or spousal loss. Additionally, I find that they are quite often more psychologically ready for the flood of anguish that accompanies death. Armed with this information, that financial planning affects positive movement in psychological preservation, why would anyone procrastinate financially preparing for the final expenses of their loved ones?

Financially preparing for the reality of death forces our minds to consider the struggles that will accompany such a profound change in life and thereby subconsciously affects our psychological readiness. I am not suggesting that your anguish or suffering will be any less intense than anyone else’s; however, it is impossible to prepare for death’s expenses without contemplating its reality. Such contemplation without the realization of pain subconsciously moves us toward a more positive transition at materialization.

One often hears, “Fortune follows the prepared mind.” Expounding on this truism, I would suggest that the prepared mind facilitates recovery. As a Certified Grief Counselor, I would implore you to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Like it or not, death happens. Preparing for loss before the accompaniment of emotional pain buffers psychological trauma. The pain of loss will still impose itself upon your heart, however, the motto “Always be prepared,” never had a more suitable application. Through emotionless preparation, your subconscious seamlessly rewards your psychological readiness and prepares you for transition into the loathsome reality of life without your loved one. Financial preparedness rewards you with the golden ticket of grief recovery facilitation and plants you in a better place emotionally, psychologically, and financially.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe IX - 1 Year Later

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:51 GMT

It is four o'clock in the morning, and I have not been able to sleep for days. Thoughts fill my head of February last year. I will travel to Dallas this week to pick up my daughter and her children, just as I did twelve months ago. That visit was filled with stress and anguish as I sorrowfully met my daughter and her family at the passenger gate and then claimed the body of my deceased grandson at the airline’s cargo bay. Our family drove to East Texas with our precious little boy, protected by his tiny casket, tethered in the back of my van.

At the funeral home, I held his lifeless body and prepared him for burial. Serving and protecting my grandson was such a sweet blessing to my broken heart. I do not know how my daughter survived his death. At times, I wondered if I could muster the strength to continue breathing. Being his funeral director forced me to summon fortitude that I did not know I possessed. It was my highest honor.

Returning home will be bittersweet for my daughter. This will be her first visit to her son’s grave since his burial. The sadness of his death remains her constant companion and seeing his grave on the anniversary of his death may be very difficult.

Grief BRIEF 110 - FIRST VISIT

One's first visit to the gravesite after burial can be a great cause of stress. One may be fearful of increased feelings of sadness and depression. If you suffer such fears, plan a short visit - perhaps 5 minutes or less. (Mourning Light, 2016, Tracy Renee Lee)

Physically touching his grave and visiting her deceased child will usher in healing for her. She will have the opportunity to talk to him and to express her love and longing for him. It will give her a gift that she has not yet had - the gift of being with her son, Mikey Joe, for more than a moment.

Grief BRIEF 108 - THERAPEUTIC

Visiting the gravesite can be very therapeutic. It gives private time for reflection and communion. (Mourning Light, 2016, Tracy Renee Lee)

She and her children will visit us for four months. Mikey Joe is buried here at our funeral home so she will visit with him every day. She does not know it yet, but she will treasure most sacredly this time they will share together. We will celebrate his birth, mourn his death, and traverse the road to recovery together as a family.

This week I will travel to Dallas to pick up my daughter and my sweet grandchildren. Gratefully, I will only visit the passenger gate and bypass the airline’s cargo bay. I will be so happy to see them, hold them, and kiss them over and over, and over again.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Jack

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:49 GMT

When I was a young girl, my parents moved our family from the Arklatex to the western United States. When we arrived there, I discovered that I had a branch of cousins out west that I had never known. These cousins were the first non-southerners I had ever met. They were kind and gracious, and growing up around them enriched my life.

About 14 years ago, I moved my family back to the southern United States. I returned to the area to attend college and obtain my funeral degree. Once again, I reside in the area of my birth, and my funeral home is located in the city where I attended church before I moved out west. My western cousins and their families have all moved here as well.

For the past 14 years, each Sunday as I enter our church, I see my aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends in attendance. I even see my western cousins there too. My western cousin Jack always greets me with a smile and a hug. He greets my husband and children the same way. This past Sunday things were different. My western cousin Jack passed away last week. As I entered the church, he was not there to greet me or hug me.

Yesterday was the first Sunday in 14 years that I have not hugged my cousin Jack. I saw his widow and her granddaughters sitting in a pew near the back of the church. I embraced them and offered my condolences. They graciously accepted them and said they would be okay. I thought about that for a while and realized I would be okay too.

My cousin Jack died this past week, but because he hugged me and told me that he loved me every Sunday for the past 14 years, I know that it is fact. Jack loved me and he made sure every week that I knew it. Now that he is gone, I do not worry about being sad. I know that there will be moments when I walk into the church and think, “Oh no, Jack is gone.” My heart, however, will not be broken and I will not cry, because Jack took the time to make sure before his death that I knew I was loved. What foresight he had. The great blessing of love, that he shared with me before his death, has given me the great blessing of comfort after it.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Miracle of Forgiveness

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:47 GMT

A few years ago, I saw a movie about anger management. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as anger management. You must forsake anger to experience peace.

A bereavement advisor visited me this week from a local hospice organization. He has a client who is suffering from extreme anger associated with her deceased mother. Although I do not know what motivates her anger, I do know that anger, if left unresolved, may bring on mental and/or physical illness and in extreme circumstances - death.

GRIEF BRIEF 24

ANGER

Anger is common among the bereaved.

It is generally brought on through anxiety, panic, and frustration.

It is important to properly direct anger at the grim reaper rather than toward others.

Realizing that the absence of your loved one has caused your emotional issues will help you move beyond the anger and develop the necessary skills for recovery.

The most dangerous adaptation to intense anger is to turn on oneself.

Mourners who inflict their anger on themselves run the risk of developing self-loathing and in more severe cases, may fall prey to suicide.

If you are suffering extreme anger for an extended time and find that you are unable to control yourself emotionally or physically, consider seeking immediate assistance.

(Mourning Light 1, GB24, Tracy R Lee, 2016)

Unfortunately, at time of death if issues remain unresolved recovery may be elusive.

GRIEF BRIEF 35

FROZEN IMPERFECTION

While it is true that none of us is perfect, at the moment of death, imperfection is frozen.

Unfinished business remains unfinished.

Estrangement remains estranged.

Meanness remains mean, etc.

Death robs the living of the opportunity for resolution and blocks the comfort of peace.

(Mourning Light 1, GB35, Tracy R Lee, 2016)

In this case, the daughter who is experiencing extreme anger is facing an uphill battle within herself. Her mother is no longer accessible for her to work out their issues. She alone must accept and resolve her anger before it robs her of health, wealth, peace, and happiness. It is imperative that she seek counseling.

The power of extreme anger may cause one to inflict severe harm upon oneself. It may also cause extreme illnesses. It might bring on psychological damage that can spill over into other relationships. One’s wellbeing as a whole becomes jeopardized.

Although she may not realize it, this woman has sustained an injury to her soul.

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EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Following the death of a loved one, there may be a significant need to reach out for emotional support.

This can be accomplished through a support group, an understanding cleric, a professional funeral practitioner, or a therapist.

How do you know if you need professional assistance?

If you find that you have unanswered questions or that you need a tool to help you cope with the loss, you might benefit from professional support.

When you break your limb, you go to a qualified care professional for proper wound care.

Why wouldn’t you go to a qualified care professional when your life has broken?

Qualified wound care is just as important for your soul as it is for your limb.

(Mourning Light 1, Tracy R Lee, 2016)

I have committed to assist the hospice bereavement advisor with his client. I hope to help her understand the magnitude and danger of her anger. Her mother is deceased and thereby unaffected by the daughter’s extreme anger. The daughter, however, is experiencing the pain and anguish associated with allowing her anger to continue. I hope I will be able to open her eyes to the miracle of forgiveness.

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MIRACLE OF FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is a gift graciously given to us through the examples and teachings of Jesus Christ.

Anger and pain held close to our hearts cause extreme stress and toxins to build up within our bodies, minds, and souls.

Extreme stress and toxins invite illness and death to overtake us.

Forgiveness toward those who have wronged us, or toward ourselves for the wrongs we have inflicted, releases us from the ravages of evil and internal conflict.

By accepting the gift of forgiveness, we flood ourselves with the power to overcome, heal, and recover from any wrong, thrown or perpetrated.

Please open your soul to the “Miracle of Forgiveness.”

(Mourning Light 3, GB206, Tracy R Lee, 2019)

When all is said and done, if this daughter does not forgive either her mother or herself, she will eventually face consequences that are grave in nature. As a child, my mother taught me, “Grave or Glorious, consequences happen.” As I have grown from a child to a grandmother, I have tried to apply my mother’s words of wisdom in my life’s choices. Fortunately, when I have made mistakes, and grave consequences have materialized, I have had my mother’s guiding light, leading me to invoke the Miracle of Forgiveness.

Please open your soul to the “Miracle of Forgiveness.” Only through such action will you see the return of inner peace and health to your heart, mind, body, and soul.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Pizza

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:46 GMT

Last night my brother brought me a pizza from my favorite pizza restaurant in Georgia. He and his wife drove straight from Georgia to Texas to deliver the tasty delight. My sister-in-law was not with him when he rang my doorbell. He had dropped her off at their home in Louisiana before he finished the last leg of the drive to my house. She has breast cancer and is undergoing treatments in Georgia. She was too tired and worn out to continue beyond her home. When he arrived, we heated the pizza and thoroughly enjoyed every bite.

I asked my brother about his wife’s prognosis. He was heartbroken and could not, at times, find the strength to speak. My brother and sister-in-law are both finding it difficult to face the predictions related to her illness. I realize that I too have difficulties with her future. My heart is broken for both of them.

I try to help my brother prepare for their future medical and psychological needs. What more can be done? I must stand beside them and watch as they suffer this terrible disease and its ravages upon her body and soul. I pray for recovery but must prepare for something less. That is the hard part: the part that might not end so wonderfully.

Last night my brother brought me a pizza from my favorite pizza restaurant in Georgia. Although it was a delectable treat, my heart cried with every bite. I will never eat a pizza from my favorite restaurant again without remembering the pain my sister-in-law endures and that for 654.1 miles she carried my ideal pizza home so that I could enjoy a rare treat.

I used to wish that my favorite pizza restaurant had a location closer to my Texas home. Now, I am okay that they do not.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Pastoral Rebuke

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:44 GMT

Recently I worked with a beautiful family who had lost their matriarch. The children and grandchildren were, of course, distraught over their significant loss and were at times emotional during the services. As the funeral service came to an end, and the family gathered around the casket to bid their final farewell to their beloved matriarch, the Pastor rose and approached the podium. His words of comfort were startling to me. He chastised the family for showing their emotions and instructed them in the perils of not holding themselves in check.

One of the decedent’s daughters spoke back to him from the congregation and said that they were doing what was natural during this painful experience. The Pastor rebuked her and again reiterated his instructions to be strong and not succumb to their weakness.

In all of my years in funeral service, I have never come across such an incredibly calloused spiritual leader. I was impressed that the men of the family held their composure during the exchange. Husbands held their wives offering comfort and fathers carried their children through the myriad of tears that come with significant loss and pain and through the rejection of one’s spiritual instructor. The family cared for each other during this unwarranted chastisement, and I hope that as they enter the dark days of grief, that the will disregard his words as those from an archaically educated individual.

Grief is not something you can control. It is something that you experience based on the loss of something or someone significant. The depth of your pain is predicated upon the extent of attachment, significance, and love related to your loss. Recovery from loss is an adjustment of heart, mind, body, and soul. The loss is real, the pain is real, and the adjustment is real.

One should never invalidate the pain that accompanies loss, especially the loss of a loved one. Doing so only leads to additional difficulties and potentially profound illness.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Conflict at a Funeral

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:41 GMT

In times of adversity, a human being often finds it difficult to hold in check his/her core personality. Quite often, if a person has not learned self-control, or if he/she has never been held personally accountable for a hot temper, rudeness, or lack of decorum; conflicts, ill feelings, and poor behavior will rear when one would be better served expressing, practicing, and sharing his/her virtues.

Adversity is rarely less prevalent than at the death of an immediate next of kin. It is during the rituals and traditions of death that survivors are most likely to react adversely to the oppressive stresses and profound insecurities that they unwillingly suffer. Boundaries, especially soft ones, easily dissipate.

When working with families who suffer conflict, a funeral director may find his/her job magnified in intensity and duty. Ones task load triples, possibly quadruples, as he/she is constantly bombarded by the opinions and demands of battling survivors.

Several years ago, I served a family that had assigned a conflict spotter within their ranks. All in attendance were subject to the authority of the conflict spotter without question and indebted to follow his/her judgments. The conflict spotter was sentry for any discernible behavior of concern during all services. If the spotter perceived any questionable attitude or action, he/she had the authority to demand composure. If the aggressor were unable or unwilling to accommodate this request, an assigned team, committed to impartiality, would immediately assemble to enforce the judgment of the conflict spotter following through (if necessary) to expulsion. If applicable, a conflict resolution expert would engage the aggressor in calming techniques to attain swift resolution. Upon regaining composure, the survivor would be immediately fellowshipped back into their fold and welcomed at all future services without prejudice.

As time has passed, I have served many families who would greatly benefit from such a system. This family’s ability to spot and resolve conflict has remained the most effective I have ever seen during the stresses and agonies of loss.

They retain my admiration and respect.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Steve Carree I

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:39 GMT

As I sit in the foyer, waiting for my best friend to arrive, I notice the details in the fabric of the chair across from me. I have seen that chair in so many churches over the span of my life and the familiarity of it is somehow comforting.

I think back ten minutes ago, I walked through the door and searched for her husband. I found him, his familiar face with his friendly smile gleaming, but his eyes were closed and his skin cold. I bent forward, over the edge of his casket, to place a kiss of farewell on his forehead. As I did so, my soul could feel his ever-present chuckle and sweet voice telling me that all would be well.

I moved toward the foot of his casket to tidy up the folds of his flag, an honor for me. One by one, I neatly folded the pleats representing his service to our great nation. Then I walked to the foyer, sat on the couch, and began waiting for my dear friend.

Today will be the worst day of her life; it is the day she will lay her beloved husband, Steve, into peaceful rest.

Her children and grandchildren will be here by her side, to help her through this most dreadful day. Friends will surround her and extended family too. She will have plenty of support. There will be moments when she will feel overwhelmed by too many people wanting to console her, all saying the same thing - that they are sorry for her loss. It is true, they are sorry for her loss. What more can be said? Emotions are so strained that barely speaking those few short words is difficult enough.

My husband and I have traveled four states to be here with her. Deep down in my heart, I need to be with her today. She and I have experienced life together, had our children together, celebrated life’s milestones together, endured war as our husbands were called away together, explored religion together, and grown older together. Our friendship is deeply rooted.

My utter love for her drives me to stand beside her as she walks through hell today. I would rather close my eyes, turn the other way, and wait for her nightmare to end: but this is not a dream. This is my best friend’s reality and I will be with her as she walks down this pathway of pain. I want to help her. I want to comfort and love her, and lift this burden from her, even though I know that is not possible.

Carrie is my dearest friend and today she travels a new life that neither she nor I, would ever choose. Within the next few hours, she will lower her beloved Steve into the earth’s protection, and she will say farewell. Carrie and Steve will now endure a separation that will try her sanity and test their endurance, but they shall not remain separated forever.

It has been two months since Steve passed and tomorrow we celebrate the birth of the wee Babe born in a manger, who suffered, died, and resurrected, so that all mankind might be saved through obedience to His laws and ordinances. The miracle of Christmas, the beginning of the greatest gift any of us has ever received, is upon us. That tiny Babe, born so long ago, came to redeem us and forced death to relinquish captivity over us. His grace offers us life eternal, the miracle of forgiveness, and the mighty power to resurrect. That brings peace to my soul, hope to my life, joy to my heart, and the ability to love and serve others. I pray for all humanity to know God’s loving embrace, that His peace will comfort those who suffer and mourn, and that the miracle of Christmas will transform your life to a better existence.

I hope that through this loathsome journey of pain, loneliness, and sorrow, upon which my friend is thrust, I can be the friend she needs, the friend I should be, the friend that my Savior asks of me.

Merry Christmas dear friends, may God’s love embrace you, and if you suffer loss and pain, may God’s eternal gift of life reunite you with your loved ones through His gift of grace.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), Funeral Home owner, professional artist, published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe VIII - Denver Statues

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:37 GMT

Earlier this year, when we lost our grandson, our family agreed that the best place to bury him was at our funeral home. His death and funeral seemed so surreal; dreamlike, in a nightmarish sort of way.

My husband and I reside in our funeral home. Mikey Joe is buried just outside of our great room window. The location of his grave places him beside us when we sit to eat our meals and relax before retiring to bed. This closeness allows me to tend to my grandson’s needs, just as I do for any of my grandchildren. Mikey Joe’s needs, however, are different from theirs. For him, I tend to the physical needs of his grave. Doing so tends to my emotional needs and encourages my grief to soften.

When we buried Mikey Joe, we decided to uproot our plantings around the funeral home and place in their stead, a memorial for deceased children. For the past eight months, my husband and I have sought and purchased bronze statues of children engaged in the merriment of childhood activities. These statues will be the focal point of the memorial, surrounded by pavers engraved with the names of lost children. The memorial will assist families to heal by providing a permanent spot of remembrance. We have a lovely ballerina, a boy playing football, two children playing leapfrog, and a little girl cooing a little bird. Last week, I acquired three additional statues; a boy sitting on a saddle, a boy roping, and a girl with her lariat. Although these three children complete our goals for the monument, I hope one day to obtain a bronze pony to match them.

Two days ago, I drove my husband to Dallas to hop a plane to Colorado to collect the three statues and transport them back to Texas. I made the air flight and vehicle rental reservations online. Because his flight was too early for us to drive there in a timely fashion, we rented a hotel room in Dallas.

I waited as he checked his luggage to make sure that all was well before I drove away. During check-in, the attendant informed him that he was 14 hours early for his flight. I had made a terrible mistake and in order to return safely home, I would have to drive away and leave him there. I dreaded the discomfort he would endure.

Eventually, my husband boarded his flight near midnight and landed in Denver past midnight. He had endured nearly 17 hours of complete discomfort in air travel. Upon landing, my husband sought his rental car. As he handed over his credit card to pay for the rental, the staff informed him that because we use a credit card with a debit option, they would not hand over the car.

Wow, in the wee hours of the morning, exhausted and grief stricken, my husband was stranded again. Over the phone, the manager said it was their company’s policy to only accept credit cards without a debit option. I asked to pay with cash. Cash is against their company’s policy. I asked if I could give her a credit card number of one of our other cards that would not have a debit option attached to it. Apparently, credit cards over the phone are against their policies too. By the way, neither do they accept checks.

I called their company’s customer service. Unable to justify their company’s policy, they would hang up on me in frustration (three times). I was sure there was a solution; we just needed to find it. Unfortunately, they were unwilling to find a remedy. Rather than think, assist, and resolve, they preferred hanging up and stranding travelers in distant airports.

Hours and a shift change later, an employee told my husband that if he had a round-trip ticket, their company would accept the debit/credit card as payment. At last, a solution. We immediately purchased a round-trip airfare (one that we will never use), in order to rent a car. In so doing, my husband was able to leave the airport, get to his hotel, and transport three bronze memorial statues home. Unbelievable!

Traveling can be stressful even under the best of circumstances, but coupled with grief and exhaustion, it is unbearable. The trip will end up costing us quite a bit more than we had anticipated. The cost of purchasing an unneeded round-trip airfare on the spot was shocking. The rudeness, unwillingness to assist, and lack of empathy of the car rental company’s employees to a stranded customer stricken with grief, exhausted and completing the task of gathering the final statues for a children’s memorial, is unimaginable. In the end, however, the healing benefit to grieving families and ourselves makes it worth whatever difficulties and hardships we have endured to accomplish it.

The loss of our grandson has been excruciatingly painful. As grandparents, we have lost our beloved grandson. Additionally, we have suffered the anguish of seeing our daughter lose her son and our grandchildren lose their baby brother. It is unfortunate that many people do not care nor understand the pain and anguish of grief. Kindness, however, should extend a hand of relief rather than obstructions toward the facilitation of recovery. I remember when airlines and travel providers accommodated the bereft. It is sad that they no longer extend basic human kindness, courtesy, nor sympathy.

As a grief counselor and funeral practitioner, I see society’s ill-treatment of mourners daily in my work. It saddens and worries me that our society grows colder and ever more self-fulfilling.

As our family moves forward toward recovery, our memorial to lost children will help mend our pain and anguish. As others come to mourn, they too shall heal from is sustaining mission.

Unfortunately, society callously expects mourners to quickly move on. After thorough analyzation, it occurs to me that survivors do not move on. The passage of time merely allows ones resolve for strength to bear their pain with greater reserve. In his absence, our love never diminishes nor slips away; we continue to love our sweet grandson and always will. Even time will not rob us of that privilege, for time does not heal all wounds. Enduring love inflicts enduring pain; we would not have it any other way.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Managing Funeral Director (FDIC) and owner of Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City, Texas, professional artist, co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp, author, and syndicated columnist. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate survivors toward positive recovery.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

I Hope

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:34 GMT

Through my research this weekend, I came upon an interesting story about suicide prevention. The article showcased a young man who was contemplating suicide. Unlike many persons in that state of mind, he reached out to his family and community. The article encouraged all to reach out, and rather than judge, offer support and love to those who might be contemplating or have attempted suicide.

This young man’s family concentrated on telling him how much he was loved and how much they wanted him to stay with them. They shared memories and helped him understand that he had value and worth. His friends and coworkers were also invited to help re-engage him in life.

At the end of the article, the young man states that each day is a challenge and that it takes the people that love him, as well as, counseling, and medicine to keep him engaged and committed to living.

As I read the article, I thought how amazing that this young man reached out to his family before killing himself. The miracle, however, is that his family was able to share their hope for his future. That is what saved him. Through hope, they re-engaged him in life.

I see so many people engaging on social media, ranting about things they do not like and raving over things they champion. I worry though, how many of them actually look deep enough to recognize desperation. Do they think about the effects of their rants upon those who might be compromised and weakened by them? Do they understand that others might delve into the things they have championed and that the outcome might be too severe for recovery? Do they recognize that they can zap the very thread of hope from someone’s heart and push them over their last shred of strength through irresponsible verbiage?

I hope that we all might be able to recognize when others need help as they walk the edge of life or death. I hope that we might be able to take action, as did this young man’s family, to squelch desperation and provide medical and social necessities to keep those we love engaged in hope. I hope that social arbiters evaluate the fallout of their mindless rants and choose to mindfully solicit social elevation rather than throw the last angst in someone else’s ability to survive. Moreover, I truly hope that hope itself is alive, that we can recognize when others need hope to stay alive, and that we will share the miracle of hope to push aside desperation and save those lives.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Failure Produces Success

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Tue, 26 May 2020 00:39:32 GMT

Death can be a frightening, lonely, and painful experience. I see death every day of the week. In fact, I have seen death every single day of the past decade.

In witnessing this plethora of death, I have gained a unique perspective on the ultimate pain of loss, as well as the struggles through its ensuing grief. Of late, I have found the number of proportionate deaths within the generations younger than my own, soaring. These deaths seem directly related to lifestyles that have negatively affected physical and/or mental health. It seems that a good number of prime-aged adults either do not realize or do not care, about consequences related to actions and choices: even when that consequence is death.

I find that persons devoid of consequential beliefs often act irresponsibly toward themselves and others. They seem oblivious to the pain they impose upon those who love them and disrespectful toward a higher being. Upon their death, those who share their inconsequential belief system suffer the demons of loss and grief through inconsolable hopelessness. It seems that more times than not, their solutions are based on wrangling their pain, as they do their responsibilities, into suppression. This myth of recovery is not one of healing; it is one of self-deception and may impose confusion, derangement, paranoia, and neurosis into the life of the survivor.

In all fairness, I see these same behaviors in older generations. It is a reality, however; that I see the consequences of death in greater numbers among prime-aged adults. It pains and worries me that so many of them self-inflict their deaths due to selfish acts of abuse upon themselves. Additionally, it frightens me beyond comprehension, as I have children and grandchildren within this demographic. As their mother and grandmother, I see the impact of the inconsequential lifestyle infiltrating their tolerance and becoming acceptable to them. Before long, I fear that they may succumb to the same end as those I see lying on my embalming table.

What then is the answer to this life-threatening lifestyle of inconsequential behavior? When my grandmother was a young child, she was deprived of life’s comforts due to extreme poverty. As a young woman, she suffered through the great depression. As a married woman and mother, my grandmother suffered the fall-out of marriage to an alcoholic. These experiences, although loathsome, made her strong both physically and psychologically. In today’s world, my grandmother would be enslaved through governmental programs. She would be heavily medicated, bombarded with assistance dollars that she did not earn, diagnosed with all sorts of syndromes and indulgences that would be the fault of others rather than herself, and living in some sort of project housing. In short, her self-respect and dignity would be robbed from her by programs designed to enslave her to a life of dependence rather than encourage self-reliance and dignity. In her time, she merely handled her responsibilities.

My grandmother loved me and bore life’s burdens for me before I was ever born. Her sufferings made her selfless and filled her soul with love and gratitude. She was self-reliant and did not waste time with feeling sorry for her self. Her life was very different and much more painful than my own.

Perhaps therein lies the mystery. My children and grandchildren live far away from their parents and grandparents. Although they have suffered disappointments in life, neither they nor I, have suffered the trials of production based survival. Furthermore, should we behave irresponsibly; we need not even suffer our deserved shame among our peers. Our survival is not based on merit or accomplishment; it is based on dysfunction and frailty. The poorer our performance, the greater our undeserving reward. Undeserving programs isolate human beings from each other by robbing us of our need to rely upon each other, as well as the dignity found through self-reliance, self-achievement, self-improvement, and accomplishment.

I see young people all around me suffering unparalleled sadness, isolation, mental illness, and premature death. I have lamented over what to do to affect positively, and save the needless loss of life in the generations that follow my own. It occurs to me that perhaps speaking the truth to make them strong, rather than giving handouts, which make them weak, might save them.

It is time that we irradiate this growing epidemic of self-inflicted, premature death among the prime aged and younger adults within our society. To accomplish this we must do what we have failed to do - allow them to experience the consequences of childhood failures. Failing builds strength and character. It promotes better choices and greater responsibility. In short, the experience of failure produces a future of success.

I want to see the success of lives lived to old age, not prime age.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Give Oh Give

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:22 GMT

When I first entered funeral service, I did not realize the impact funeral homes have within the community. In college, my professors would talk about the politics of owning a funeral home. Now that I own one, I see the opportunities to help make the community at large, a better place.

Yesterday, as I sat in the great room of my funeral home, two women entered. They introduced themselves and stated they were walking my city looking for people who needed help. They were also seeking support from those who had resources to share. They themselves had once been in desperate circumstances and had been rescued by others seeking them out.

I listened to their stories and became interested in the organization that rescued them. It turns out that a pastor and his wife started a rescue program and have helped many people recover from various types of abuse and addiction. I donated to their cause and they left.

It is a wonderful thing to see someone help someone else, to see the effects of positive change, and to witness one who has lost his/her way find redemption. I believe there are times in everyone’s life when caring assistance or rescuing is needed. Additionally, it is my opinion that outreach is the key to saving humanity.

This morning as I perused this organization’s website, I thought, how fulfilling it would be to open an outreach facility and help lost souls find refuge. As I began formulating a plan for such an undertaking, I remembered, I am already in the undertaking business. Not only have I undertaken the responsibility of preparing and burying the dead, I facilitate survivors recover through grief counseling.

We all have callings and purposes in life where our talents if shared can help others. The question is, “Are we willing to undertake the responsibility of assisting others through sharing our talents, our bounty, and our gifts?

I am unable to go out and rescue souls off of the street or out of abusive relationships. My work is to assist survivors escape the clutches of hell as they work through and obtain grief recovery. How then do I assist others who so desperately need rescuing from abuse and addiction? The answer is simple. I assist by sharing my talents, my bounty, and my gifts with someone who is already in that work. Doing so aids the rescues of those who are beyond my reach.

“And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” (Matthew 25:40)

I pray that on the day you and I meet our maker we are able to say, “We gave to save.”

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Joy of Chores

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:19 GMT

When I was a young mother, I loved spending time with my daughters. My husband and I would plan inexpensive weekend get-aways and mid-week activities that centered on making wonderful memories and traditions with them.

Our daughters are now adults with children of their own. I watch them doing the same things with their children that we did with ours. It brings joy to my heart.

As a young mother, I did not enjoy housework. In all honesty, I loathed housework. To this very day, I truly do not enjoy housework. My focus, however, has changed. Now as I clean my house, I wish it were as easy as it once was. The aches of age and the wear and tear on my joints protest as I bend to scrub the shower, or as I stand leaning over the sink washing my dishes. My heart has changed too.

How I yearn for those days when my house was filled with children. My chore list was enormous, but my heart was full. Now I look at my chores and think how wonderful it would be to be washing sheets for my daughters again, fixing their beds, brushing their hair, and planning wonderful outings with them.

My girls live far from my home, which means my grandchildren live far from grandma’s home. That makes my heart lonely. As I work through my chore list, I remember fondly the joy my girls brought into my life. Those memories help my chore list seem lighter and less dreary. The love I have for my children sees me through my loneliest days.

Let all your things be done with charity. 1 Corinthians 16:14

Charity is love. Substituting the dread associated with my chores of years gone by with the love and memories I enjoyed with my children, brightly floods my days with joy. Isn’t it funny how love and family become your life’s blood as you get older? My mind dotes on my children and grandchildren all day as I work through my daily chore list. I remember my grandmothers and great-grandmothers doing the same. The circle of life is a continuum of light and love.

I try to accept each moment of my life as a loving memory. I concentrate my focus on this endeavor by incorporating charity into all of my activities. I do this because I know that one-day memories and traditions are all that I, and my family, will have. One day, either my husband or I will be gone, and the other of us will continue on alone. Then, will be too late to make memories. We must make them now while we are here together with those whom we love.

I am glad that my life has been filled with happiness and that I have realized that joy in life comes from doing all things with charity; including chores. I relish my chores because when the day comes that I only have chores for one, I don’t want to be standing at my sink with tears in my eyes over wasting one moment of joy and love with my husband, my girls, and my grandchildren.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It creates joy and happiness. Do not waste precious time dreading dreadful things in life. Let all your things be done with charity. (1 Corinthians 16:14) Doing so will bring grace to your days and flood your soul with joy and happiness.

I have witnessed the miracle of charity save lives daily as I work with my clients through their grief recovery. I have also seen recovery fail where charity did not exist. Concentrate on finding and creating charity in your life. Do all your things through charity, and one day, when the worst days of your life appear, the pure love of Christ will be your saving grace.

I bear witness to this truth and pray that you will engulf yourself in charity.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

To Vault or Not To Vault

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:17 GMT

I was speaking with a loved one recently. Our topic of conversation was to determine if he would add a burial vault to his wife’s burial plan. While conversing, it occurred to me that perhaps the purpose of a vault, compared to that of a casket, is confusing to those who are not funeral professionals.

Casket: a receptacle of wood, metal or plastic into which the dead human body is placed for burial.

The casket has only one basic function - to move a dead human body from one place to another in a dignified and safe manner. Contrary to popular belief, the casket does not protect the dead human body once it is in the grave. Its sole purpose is to protect the body prior to burial.

“Casket features are entirely stylistic. There are no casket features that can preserve a body forever and no features that improve a casket's basic function (basic function: to move the dead human body from one place to another in a dignified and safe manner.) Many caskets feature a rubber gasket or some kind of sealer, which provides an air-tight seal between the lid and body of the casket. According to the Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule, caskets described as "gasketed," "protective" or "sealer" caskets are designed to protect the casket, not the (human) body, and are features that are never required by law. In fact, a casket that is hermetically sealed increases the rate of body decomposition. And, if a casket is to be entombed in a mausoleum or crypt, the cemetery will actually break the rubber seal to prevent accelerated decomposition. The Funeral Rule forbids claims that caskets or special casket features can preserve a body forever.” (All You Need to know about Caskets, Everplans.com)

Burial Vault: a lined and sealed outer receptacle that houses the casket. It protects the casket from the weight of the earth and heavy maintenance equipment that will pass over the grave. It also helps resist water and preserves the beauty of the cemetery or memorial park by preventing the ground from settling.

The protective qualities of vaults are paramount in deciding whether to utilize one. The definition states very plainly the vaults purpose; it is what it does not say, however, that motivates one to reconsider its addition to their burial plan. Protecting the casket from the weight of the earth and heavy maintenance equipment, and preserving the beauty of the cemetery, is a very polite way of not saying that without a burial vault a casket is too weak to hold up the weight of the dirt and therefore collapses onto your decedent. Additionally, should heavy grave digging or maintenance equipment drive over your loved one’s grave, its excessive weight will crush him/her.

The mental picture of uncontrolled water flooding his wife’s casket, dirt falling onto her body, and the crushing of her body by the weight of heavy machinery passing over her, was more than my loved one could bear. “I just can’t live with the thought that dirt will be touching her face,” he said, as tears escaped down his cheeks. He added, “For me, it doesn’t matter, but for her, it does.” Such a loving and caring statement of true devotion from one spouse for another touched my heart to its depths. I fought unsuccessfully to hold back my tears of sorrow for his situation.

We finished our conversation with costs, the unfortunate bi-line of funeral service, and he left. His wife is gravely ill. I dread the days that will soon see the implementation of his decisions. I know that his dread surpasses my own.

To vault or not to vault, only you can decide. At least now, you understand the purpose of vaulting, I hope.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe 7 - Due Date

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:16 GMT

Today was my grandson’s due date. Instead of being at the hospital with my daughter to welcome him into our family, my husband, younger daughter, and I took our bistro table and set it beside his grave. We had dinner and birthday cake and took photos to send to his mom in Hawaii. We placed a baby boy balloon and carnations upon his tiny grave and prayed to our Heavenly Father to let our Mikey Joe know that we love and miss him. It was a very somber and difficult day.

When Mikey Joe passed five months ago, my world stopped. It has been reeling ever since. My concentration has suffered, my stamina has suffered, and I find that things that used to matter a great deal to me now are mediocre and somewhat unimportant. I find that I do not wake up every morning ready to jump out of bed and begin my day. I do not attack my work with fervor as I once did. Even lifelong habits, like applying my make-up, fall out of order and are disorganized. His tiny little life inside of his mother's womb affected my life ever so deeply. Only my belief that we will reunite as a family in God’s presence keeps my life going.

As I prepared for bed, I checked social media and saw this post from his mother. As her mother, my heart breaks for the pain she suffers. I know it pales compared to my own.

“Five months ago I gave birth to a baby boy. He was so beautiful and precious. I counted each of his ten fingers and toes. I traced the inside of his ears. I kissed every inch of him. I held him for hours. But I did not bring him home. Before I handed my son's lifeless little body to the hospital morgue, I whispered in his ear, “Mommy loves you, baby.”

My heart has never been so full yet empty since I lost my sweet Mikey Joe. I labored for hours, I gave birth, yet I went home with empty arms. I remember the next morning breathing a sigh of relief. I thought it was all just a horrible dream. Then it all came flooding back. The next few days were pure misery. We flew to Texas, and we buried our son.

Today’s was Mikey’s due date. The day has been filled with many tears for us. But we have found some comfort. We know that families can be together forever. We know that Mikey is not lost to us and that we will see him again. We will hold him again. And all will be made right if we remain faithful.

Mikey baby, know that mommy loves you. And that my heart aches every minute of every day without you. I long for the day when you are in my arms again. I love you, baby."

-mommy

Losing a baby is such a sad experience. You prepare for his/her arrival, you love him/her so deeply, and you anticipate holding him/her in your arms. Then suddenly for no reason at all, your dreams and plans dissipate as you bury him/her deep within the earth. You never have the opportunity to tell him/her of the blessings he/she brought your way nor of the happiness and love that grew in your soul. And now, our family must wait with patience and faith until the day that our yearning and pain will cease - the day that we join him in heaven to be together forever.

If you have lost a baby, I offer my deepest condolences. If you know of someone who has lost a baby, please take a moment to offer a tiny prayer for their tiny bundle of joy, and ask that comfort and peace will heal their heartache and broken souls.

My daughter told me something as we buried her tiny son. She said, "Mom, I feel and count on each and every prayer offered on my behalf. It helps me live on."

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Thirty Something

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:14 GMT

My husband and I go to a movie and out to dinner every Tuesday. Unlike most couples, our weekends are almost always filled with funerals and Mondays are insanely backlogged with paperwork. That makes Tuesday our weekend. It is the slowest day of the week for us and it is the senior discount day for many businesses. The movie theatre near our home offers a wonderful discount every Tuesday so it makes our evening out very affordable.

Last Tuesday, a movie that we were excited to see finally came to the theatre. As soon as I caught up my workload, we jumped in our vehicle and headed off to the cinema. About ¾’s of the way through the movie, my phone rang. Someone was at the funeral home needing at-need burial arrangements. I informed my husband that we needed to leave, so off we went back to the funeral home.

The death was a sudden one, completely unexpected. The decedent, a champion basketball player, died from an apparent heart attack on the court during practice. The family’s photographs showed a physically fit man in his prime. He was thirty-something with a muscular physique. Not at all, someone you would expect to die at such an early age. Sudden death carries with it difficulties for recovery.

GRIEF BRIEF 116

NO WARNING (SUDDEN DEATH)

Sudden deaths are those that occur without warning.

These types of deaths require special understanding and intervention.

Sudden deaths are more difficult to grieve and recover from other deaths that give some warning.

Advanced warning that death is coming allows family and friends time to prepare for their imminent loss.

Survivors of sudden death may find it beneficial to consult with a counselor, especially in the case of violence.

(Mourning Light II, Tracy Lee, 2016)

The decedent’s mother and relatives were very distraught at his services. They had unexpectedly lost their loved one and did not understand what had happened or why.

As I worked with the decedent’s sisters on details for his services, an uncle came forward and asked that we insert a certain young woman’s name into the obituary. He explained that he had had a conversation with the decedent about this young woman. Without his family’s knowledge, the decedent had found a woman with whom he had connected. He had told his uncle that should he ever marry, this young woman would be his choice. He also indicated that the event might happen sooner rather than later as she was definitely his soul mate.

As the decedent’s sisters and I worked on the obituary, I was unsure whether they would include the young woman or not. They said that they had never even heard of the young woman before. Their decision was to observe their uncle’s inside knowledge and include the young woman in the obituary. I was happy that they chose to do so as I knew it would help the young woman in her grief recovery.

GRIEF BRIEF 100

COMPLICATION - EXCLUSION

When one is in love one does not expect to lose the object of their affection.

Problems arise within the family structure when a marriage contract is not in place.

A boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiancé may find that they are neither considered nor included in the family grief circle.

This lack of consideration presents certain difficulties for the disregarded survivor.

Grief may even be exacerbated by this exclusion or indifference.

This situation may increase the possibilities of complicated grief for the survivor.

It may be necessary for the unrecognized survivor to seek other ways to resolve their grief.

(Mourning Coffee I, Tracy Lee, 2014)

Fortunately, for this young woman, the decedent’s family saw fit to include her in their grief circle. This small act of acceptance will assist both family and future fiancé during their recovery process.

Death is a difficult experience. The loss of a loved one is sad and riddled with obstacles for recovery. How wonderful it is that this man’s family opened their hearts without prejudice for this young woman. Her future, as well as their hearts, have been devastated. Accepting and assisting each other through the pitfalls of grief will make recovery a tiny bit easier.

This young man’s family honored him in death by honoring his lost future. In so doing, they gifted his intended with relief and an easier recovery experience. In return, their kindness and acceptance will reflect back to them and they will likewise reap a greater ease of recovery.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Breast Cancer

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:13 GMT

Six weeks ago, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. This devastating announcement was unexpected. She and my brother rushed off to a cancer treatment center in another state. We have great expectations that her treatment there will prove miraculous.

I traveled to Louisiana this weekend to see my brother and his wife. We are expecting results from a recent blood test to inform us of whether her condition has improved, remained the same, or worsened. We are praying for improvement.

My sister-in-law has always been very health conscious. Among us, she has been the one who has deprived herself of any food-related pleasure, has maintained a routine exercise program, has avoided excessive sun exposure, and seen her doctor annually for check-ups; yet, it is she who has extensive cancer.

She suffers pain, nausea, confusion, sadness, self-blame, fear, exhaustion, depression, etc. My brother does too. We are all confused. We wonder how this happened and what should be done to save her? She and my brother research exhaustively, potential treatments (natural, of course) and the rest of us pray intently for her return to health.

We discussed possible treatment options this weekend. There are so many obstacles to obtaining them, primarily distance and expense. My brother and his wife are professional people; however, her treatments within the last six-weeks have already exhausted their financial reserves. They are now looking at creative options to afford additional treatment.

My sister-in-law will return to work tomorrow. These past six weeks have nearly exhausted her FMLA, therefore, to retain her qualification for health insurance, as ill as she is, she must work.

She has hope for a holistic treatment located in a state far away from where she lives. The cost is exorbitant. She and my brother will be forced to sell their home, their vehicles, their investments, their life insurances, as well as all of their possessions. All that they have worked for over the past 20 years will soon be gone. They will be left with nothing more than their love, each other, barely enough money to afford her chosen treatment, and their hope that she will survive.

I sat with my brother yesterday after church. With the loss of every worldly possession including their home, they have many decisions to make. We spoke of them possibly relocating after her treatments to a state that is friendlier to alternative pain treatments, primarily the use of medical marijuana. Both my brother and my sister-in-law would lose their professional licenses should they unlawfully utilize this option in their state of residence. My sister-in-law, however, is a naturalist and is intolerant to conventional pain options utilized thus far in her journey back to health.

Moving to the mid-west will isolate them from family and friends as her treatments bankrupt them. At this juncture, they both suffer tremendously; she, the pain and uncertainty of recovery; he, the fear of losing his wife, the uncertainty of financially affording her needs, and the reality of bankruptcy. Our family suffers the sadness that we may lose one of our members, the worry of their financial plight, and the pain of his and her sufferings.

My brother is understandably filled with rage, fear, and depression. It is painful to witness him suffer so deeply. My sister-in-law is understandably obsessed with research. She is trying to find what will save her life. I am scrambling trying to ensure that should the worst happen, we can afford to get them home for interment. I can’t even imagine that I am doing such a thing. I feel guilty that my focus is the possibility of her death, but I understand that it is my responsibility. I do it silently, however, so that they do not have to consider this burden on top of everything else from which they suffer.

We understand that life ends, however, we did not expect that she would be fighting for survival so young. We pray, hope, and plan that she will live. As a funeral practitioner, however, I am unwillingly forced to consider and budget for what our family hopes will not be our reality, the loss of her life.

Six months ago, I lost my grandson. My anguish was and continues to be, devastating. My brother and sister-in-law were kind, supportive, and helped me through it. Should this become their reality, I pray I can muster my strength and help them as they have helped me; to feel my Savior’s love and to know that one day our family will reunite.

Families are Forever, I believe that with all of my being. Were it not true, why would there be love? The body is weak and must therefore perish. Even through death, the spirit, as does love, continues. Reason dictates that reunion is not only just, it is imminent. For this, I am grateful. It is what allows me to survive.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), the Managing Funeral Director (FDIC,) and owner of Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City, Texas. I am an author and syndicated columnist. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and grief briefs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate survivors toward positive recovery.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

One Prayer Away

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:11 GMT

Yesterday evening, my husband and I had the opportunity to attend a lovely intimate concert. Well, 20 minutes of it anyway.

My husband purchased tickets to a concert about three weeks ago and as the days past, we had a funeral scheduled for the exact same day. The concert began at 3:00 PM and was scheduled to end at 5:00 PM. It was in a town almost an hour away from our home and the scheduled funeral ended around 3:45 PM.

As we entered the concert hall, the performer stopped his performance, scanned the audience, found us with his gaze, and asked, “Did Y'all just get here? Maybe you were at church, you look like a Preacher.” My husband replied that we were funeral directors and had been delayed due to a family’s need. The performer replied, “Ah, same thing, it’s a ministry. I hope it was at least profitable for you.”

He then segued to a song that had been a big hit for his father. I do not know if his conversation with my husband influenced the selection, or if it was just the next song in his repertoire, however, it was about a man going to meet his death. The performer’s father had been in prison and had been befriended by an older man in the cell next to him. The older man was serving three consecutive life sentences and had decided, along with two other inmates, to escape San Quinton Prison. The performer’s father thought he might like to escape along with them, but his friend asked him to reconsider.

As the two inmates became friends, they both learned about the other’s life. The older more experienced criminal told the younger less experienced inmate that he needed not escape with him. He explained that he intended to never return to prison and that he would do whatever that goal required. He told his younger friend to get his life in order, to return to his family, and to follow his unshared talent of playing the guitar and singing with the world.

The older man escaped with his two inmate friends, but was hunted, and caught in a firefight with law enforcement. The two friends were killed in the encounter and the older man shot and killed a police officer. His sentence was capital punishment. He returned to San Quinton Prison for execution.

The older man had the opportunity to see his younger friend and asked for a favor. He requested that as he met his death, his friend play and sing a song that his mother had often sung to him? The warden granted the older man’s last wish and as he walked the hall to his execution, the other inmates stood up for him as he passed their cells. When he approached his younger friend’s cell, he paused, and his friend sang his request.

The younger man served his sentence and returned home to his little family. His wife and two children were living in Bakersfield CA in an abandoned railroad car. The former prisoner began his career as a performer and wrote a song about his experience with the older inmate who had encouraged him. His son then sang “Sing Me Back Home.”

The story of Merle Haggard singing for a man walking to his execution touched my heart very deeply. It is miraculous that two people in prison are able to help each other see the other side of life. The older inmate needed comfort on his way to meet God and the younger man needed to find his path in life. Through service to each other, they each fulfilled God’s purpose, “Love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) Merle Haggard brought comfort and allowed God’s tender mercies to rescue the older inmate from the fear of death. In turn, the older inmate gave Merle Haggard purpose of life, encouraged him to share his gift as a talented performer, and motivated him to return to his struggling family rather than remain in a cycle of crime. How glorious life is when you follow the promptings of the spirit and help others in need.

As a funeral director, I see the miracles of goodness and mercy every day. As people near life’s end, they impart encouragement and life’s lessons to those they leave behind. They willingly share their love, wisdom, fears, and hopes with those who mean the most to them. In return, those who love them offer comfort, listen to their wisdom, witness the miracle of life’s passage, and, better understand God’s purpose in life’s journey.

The performer finished his concert with a personal song, “One Prayer Away.”

I hope you have prayer in your life, that you receive the glories of heaven, and that the mercies of the Savior grace your life with forgiveness and purpose. For Marty Haggard, “That’s how his day begins and the way it ends.” (One Prayer Away, Marty Haggard) I hope yours does too.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe VI - Abandonment

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:11 GMT

As I stood in line at the bank, Friday, the bank manager approached me and whispered kind words into my ear. She thanked me for how I close the services for my client families. She had recently attended the funeral of my cousin’s husband and wanted to express her appreciation for my closing statements. I appreciate her encouragements.

At the close of every funeral, I always come forward and thank family and friends, on behalf of the survivors, for their attendance and support during what is definitely the most difficult ritual accompanying death; the lowering of the loved one into the earth and sealing their grave with soil. At that moment, fear, panic, and pain rush into the hearts of the survivors.

I was there six months ago. My son-in-law carried my grandson’s tiny white casket out of our chapel and placed him in his grave. My daughter and her surviving two children followed, and we gathered around Mikey Joe’s resting place for the dedication and closing of his grave. My husband, son-in-law, and three-year-old grandson began the arduous task of returning the soil of the earth into the oblong grave where my deceased grandson would now rest.

I think my heart stopped beating at that moment. I watched in horror as my little grandson grabbed a small fist full of dirt to throw into his tiny brother’s grave. I could not see or hear anything else around me. I was completely focused on my two tiny grandsons sharing their last moment on earth; one lying in a small grave and the other filling it with dirt. Suddenly, my three-year-old grandson realized his hands were dirty and briskly wiped them up and down on the chest of his freshly starched shirt. Those in attendance gasped and then broke into laughter. With tears of heartache streaming down my face, I too broke into uncontrollable laughter. He repeated his assigned task of filling his tiny brother’s grave until the task was completed, each time wiping his hands on the front breast of his white shirt. The bright red dirt of East Texas, now permanently stains my grandson’s beautiful white church shirt. What a wonderful treasure my daughter has of her two tiny sons: a stained dress shirt, evidentiary of their brotherly love and care for each other.

As the committal came to a close, I, like always, stepped forward. Choking with sobs of sorrow, I thanked our family and friends for their support, participation, and attendance. Then, one by one, they each left our funeral home. Since that day, no one who attended his funeral has ever mentioned my grandson again. My husband, daughter, and I speak of him continually, but no one in our family, nor do our friends ever speak of him.

Initially, my son-in-law found it very painful that no one ever spoke about their loss. Indeed, he found that his friends, co-workers, and acquaintances would, and continue to, avoid him. My daughter told him that their friends do not avoid them because they do not care, but because they do not know what to say. Perhaps that is why no one ever speaks of my grandson. I do not know the reason; I just know that it creates a patch of loneliness and sadness within my heart.

The experience of losing my grandson has changed the things I do and say on behalf of survivors at the close of a service. As before, I thank those in attendance for their support, but now I add a little from my own experience.

Death separates us from the physical presence of our loved ones. We miss being able to converse with them, hold their hands, and see their lovely faces. It also separates us from the spiritual presence of our loved ones. We miss their love, their support, and their companionship. Unfortunately, death can carry a third separation that is not necessary at all. It imposes discomfort and insecurities upon friends, family, and acquaintances to the point of abandonment.

Death is the hardest experience we are called upon to bear. It brings with it so many unfamiliar and unwanted emotions. It separates us physically and spiritually from our loved one and imposes fear and anguish into our existence. It should not carry as well abandonment from those we rely on for support and comfort; our family, friends, and acquaintances.

At the close of services, I ask family, friends, and acquaintances to remember that the survivors are now suffering painful separation from their loved one and I ask them to remember them in their prayers. I now also ask them not to impose a third separation: their abandonment.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe V - Angels of Comfort

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:07 GMT

What a blessing it is to be able to read. It was not so long ago that reading was uncommon among the masses. Even today, we see many people who remain illiterate due to dyslexia or some other underlying cause. Reading is better than movies. It is better than plays. Reading is a gift to our souls because it allows us to engage our minds, imagination, reasoning, and intuition. It allows us to accept the words to our brains at the speed at which we can understand and interpret their meaning. Once we understand their meaning, we are at liberty to accept or reject them as truth or error. I am thankful for the blessing of reading in my life. I hope you are too.

I read an article this morning. While I found some of the article acceptable, most of it seemed mystically based. It did, however, evoke deep thought, encourage contemplation, critical thinking, and evaluation within my mind and soul. At the end of the article, I had considered new theories, reasoned whether they were soundly based, and either accepted or rejected them. It was an educational morning for me.

The interesting part of the article for me was the section entitled “Angels of Comfort.” In this section, the author addresses two different types of angels. She writes of angels who take upon themselves a physical form. She states, “A true angel encounter is when angels assume physical bodies. They have a different essence about them. They come out of nowhere, deliver the message or assistance and leave without a trace.” (Kermie Wohlenhaus, Ph.D., Angels of Grief, Comfort, and Hope)

Ms. Wohlenhaus also writes of angels who remain in a spiritual form and communicate soul to soul. It is this second concept of spirits that had merit to me. She states, “Most times angels do not take physical form for us to see and hear with our physical senses, but their presence will be unmistakable, soft, and kind in an intuitive way. A warmth will pour over us, filling us with ease and peace, from out of nowhere there is deep serenity.” (Kermie Wohlenhaus, Ph.D., Angels of Grief, Comfort, and Hope)

Six months ago, I lost my grandson. His loss was earth shattering to our family. I experienced consuming anguish and worried deeply about his mother, my daughter. Inwardly, I felt as though my life would end. Breathing became an unnatural chore. I feared that such grief might cause my daughter to give up on living and that the shadow cast upon our hearts would be too great to endure.

I sought relief and comfort through prayer, knowing that without it, my workaholic tendencies would consume me, and I would disappear within my choices of chore rather than traversing and growing through my future of pain and anguish. I asked God to surround me with celestial light and the companionship of loving and guiding angels that through them, he would impart His spiritual comfort and wisdom that I might be able to endure the sorrow I was bearing. I prayed that my eyes and soul would be receptive to direction, understanding of His plan, the actions that would bring recovery to my soul; and that my daughter and I would experience and carry with us through the days of our lives, the love we felt for our Mikey Joe and for our Father’s Plan of Happiness.

As my daughter and her family arrived on the mainland, we waited for the arrival of our precious loved one’s tiny body. I felt the blessings of angels around me, comforting me, giving me the strength to carry out my duties as my grandson’s grandmother, my daughter’s mother, and my family’s funeral director. Those days were very ominous and difficult for me. The burden of my grandson’s loss was magnified by the terror of my daughter’s pain. I did not know how I would get through them, how I would recover from them, and even more daunting, how I would help my daughter survive them.

As I lay in bed one evening, praying, and drifting into slumber, I felt the loving powers of God’s ministering angels surround me. The celestial comfort and communication expressed beyond doubt that all would be well and that this was His plan from the beginning. The companionship of love was so overwhelming, that I could not relate to the physical world of pain and suffering in which I resided. I wondered, momentarily, if I were still living or had I slipped off into the loving embrace of Jesus Christ, to continue my progression as a spirit until that glorious promise of resurrection.

The experience could not have been a long one, as I suddenly realized that I was not breathing, and unwillingly gasped for life-sustaining air. The pain of air entering my lungs regrettably carried with it the sorrows of reality. My life, however, was somehow different for I knew beyond any shadow of doubt, that my daughter and I would survive this excruciating experience of loss; that we would recover from the bowels of grief; and that one glorious day, we would reunite with our beloved baby, Mikey Joe, in the Holy presence of our Lord and Savior, with a sure knowledge of our Father’s Holy Plan of Happiness, to continue on, eternally, with joy, peace, and tranquility.

That, my dear friends, is the experience of comforting angels. My life has forever changed. I have experienced the death of my beloved grandson, realized the loss of hope and joy, seen my daughter writhe in agony without the power to lighten her burden, and as I lay waiting to die for relief within my own bed, I have been rescued from the pain of hell through the unmistakably soft and kind comfort of visiting angels and mercies of God.

I am thankful for their rescue. I am thankful for God’s Holy Plan of Happiness. And, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to help others loosen the ropes of hell in their search for grief’s recovery.

I pray for you and all who mourn, that recovery will be your gift as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death; that you will overcome fear through the spirit of Christ and that His steadfast rod and unyielding staff will guide and comfort you; that His goodness and tender mercies will follow you all the days of your life, and that you will dwell surrounded by His peace and love within His house, forever. (Ref: Psalm 23:4-6) That you, like I, will seek and find recovery through the loving embrace of God the Father and his Son, Jesus Christ, and through their ministering angels of comfort.

My grandson is dead but he is not lost. We will one day meet at the feet of Jesus to reunite as children of God, an eternal family forever more. I look fondly toward that sweet and glorious day.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Grief Resolution

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:06 GMT

I live in a world filled with grief. My work dictates that I see it every day.

Grief is not universally the same for everyone. Professionally, I have observed that it is uniquely coded into a survivor’s collective history. It is personal with recovery predicated upon one's abilities, strategies, and skills. Although some would have you believe it is depression, ADHD, PTSD, a personality disorder, or some other pathological condition, it is not. It is a normal and natural reaction, albeit painful, to significant loss. It carries emotional, physical, and psychological consequences through interference into one’s comfort and health by reducing abilities to concentrate, sleep, and eat. It decreases one’s tolerance levels and coping skills and evokes fear in a multitude of facets. It imposes loneliness, creates insecurity, causes significant and immediate lifestyle changes, and at times catapults one into dire straights. In short, grief is a foe whose significance is based on the survivor’s reliance, depth of love, and/or responsibilities toward the deceased. It is the ultimate adversary to harmonious living. Additionally, one should not treat grief as a pathological condition through self-medicating or prescription drugs as these will only mask the pain, inviting illness to set in and disease to take hold.

Lack of resolution carries extreme consequences. If a survivor has compromised health or engages in a prescribed medical treatment for illness or disease, he/she would be well advised to avoid interference in their regime. A study of widowed persons found that the overall death rate for the surviving spouse doubled in the first week following the loss. Additionally, heart attacks more than doubled for male survivors and more than tripled for female survivors. Overall, surviving spouses were 93% more likely to get into fatal auto accidents and their suicide rate increased by 242%. (Mortality after Bereavement: A Prospective Study of 95,647 Widowed Persons, American Journal of Public Health 1987)

According to the US Census Bureau (USCB), 13 million survivors enter grief annually. Many of them suffer the pain of grief for ten to forty years. If grief-stricken survivors stack up over an average of 25 years, the number increases to 260 million suffering within the US borders. That is 80% of America’s population. “Thousands of mental health professionals report that although their clients come to them with other presenting issues, almost all of them have unresolved grief as their underlying problem.” (The Grief Recovery Method, Guide for Loss)

Unfortunately, many confuse Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ study, a.k.a. “Kubler-Ross Model” on death and dying as the “Recovery Road Map” for survivors. The confusion lies in that her study concentrated on the stages of grief suffered by dying persons. She does not apply her findings to the survivor’s experience of recovery. In the blink of an eye, the survivor is faced with a very different scenario of life. He/she must instantly face the financial, physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual realities and adjustments of survival after loss. The senseless association of the Kubler-Ross Model as grief recovery by universities and media has lead to misinformation and confusion for those suffering grief.

To recover from grief, one must travel through it; not dance around it. We need smaller experiences of loss through earlier years from which to draw. The loss of a favorite toy, the death of a pet, or relocating and making new friends all serve as foundational experiences to prepare us for the ultimate loss of our loved ones. Unfortunately, society has robbed us of many of these foundational losses and recovery experiences. Many have never learned good sportsmanship by experiencing the disappointments of defeat while playing ball against their schoolmates as children. Others have never had to overcome relationship disappointments, as their friends are virtual rather than actual. The point is that our society is ill-prepared for the pain associated with loss. We live in a pseudo-reality filled with desensitizing scenarios of death. At some juncture, however, reality comes our way. One day, we will look at our electronics and feel-good scenarios and realize that whether we are prepared for it or not, we will participate in life based on the terms set forth by eternal laws of truth. That is the day that you will receive an unwelcome wake-up call into the pitfalls of adult realities, responsibilities, and crushing grief.

Do yourself a favor. Put down the electronics, the virtual realities, and the hyped up desensitizing entertainment programs sensationalizing violence and mass death. Doing so will allow you to experience life as it should be, with real joy, real fulfillment, and the ability to achieve meaningful recovery.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The Value of Rubies

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:05 GMT

As designated by our government’s Standard of Living Index, she was not a woman of great wealth. Upon her death, entry-level merchandise was purchased for her burial. To those of us working at the funeral home, it seemed as though her funeral would be mediocre.

Her family prepared their program, printed their service folders, produced their memory movie, assembled and delivered their own floral arrangements, along with other tasks customarily performed by the funeral home. They were indeed frugal people and as funeral day approached, there was nothing to suggest that her funeral would surpass ordinary.

Her visitation began Friday evening. Guests trickled in a few here and a few there; they did not linger. They offered their condolences to her son and then took their leave. About halfway through the evening, he asked to use a microphone.

Suddenly, guests stopped leaving. They assembled in the chapel and each found a seat. Little by little, as guest after guest took the lectern, it became clear that the woman lying in state had been extraordinary while living. One after another, they would speak of her generosity to them: groceries delivered to many upon hard times, air conditioners freely given to those suffering blazing temperatures while combating illnesses and recuperation, financial support to friends who suffered monetary setbacks while they worked to regain self-reliance, and emotional support and donations to those suffering bereavement. She shared her heart and sustenance freely with those in crisis.

Her funeral was the following morning. I expected a small gathering. Her family, neighbors, friends, and community began arriving 90 minutes before services were due to begin. Before I knew it, our chapel was at capacity. I opened the overflow to accommodate the large gathering. Within minutes, all seats were occupied. I began seating guests in the foyer; soon it was filled as well. I brought out event seating and her services began.

Her eulogy was delivered. It was filled with deeds of love and selfless acts of generosity. The woman lying in the plain white casket had freely given everything she had to anyone standing in need.

Upon her death, entry-level merchandise was purchased for her burial, but her funeral was far from mediocre. Her generosity and service to others cloaked her funeral with gratitude and expressions of love. I was humbled and deeply honored to bury this woman of profound character.

Her deeds surpassed the value of rubies. (Proverbs 31:10-20)

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

CDC Releases Alarming Suicide Rates

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:04 GMT

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released staggering suicide facts last week. In all but one state (Nevada which saw a 1% drop in suicide rates), the overall rate increased across the board since 1999 with over half of the states seeing an increase of 30% or more. Furthermore, over half (54%) of those deaths had no reported “mental health conditions.” They had, however, recently experienced relationship problems (42%); a crisis in the past or upcoming two weeks (29%); substance abuse issues (28%); a physical health problem (22%); a job/financial problem (16%); a criminal/legal problem (9%); or a loss of housing (4%).

Several months ago, I received a very interesting phone call. The woman on the other end of the line introduced herself as a psychiatrist who had dined with my youngest daughter the previous evening. Along with a panel of professional leaders and other psychiatrists, this woman had been tasked with evaluating a severe productivity failure in a workforce of over 70,000. The members of the task force had met on numerous occasions to discuss, organize, and compile their findings. They would be presenting their final report that very afternoon.

She explained that the day prior, she had received a call from the presiding authority over this workforce. He asked her to meet and interview my daughter. She followed through with the request and exclaimed that she, as well as the other members of the task force, now found themselves in a state of uncertainty.

Over the past year, each member of the task force had traveled the globe, surveying, interviewing, and analyzing a large sampling of workers to identify their weaknesses and compile a workable plan to restore productivity levels. She expounded that their conclusions were relative to millennial preferences and needs.

She requested a few moments of my time to investigate my daughter’s history, her personality, her accomplishments, disappointments, education, family dynamic, etc. I agreed and the interview began.

During our conversation, she stated that the employer had cut training hours from four to three weeks, the workers suffered performance anxiety, separation anxiety (from their devices), were required to utilize and work through social media, were unable to focus on tasks, delved into pornography and fraternization during work hours, and battled perfectionism. The task force’s suggestions for remedies were to increase training, introduce problem-solving skills, and allow each worker his/her personal devices.

The psychiatrist’s dinner with my daughter unsubstantiated their findings because although she is a member of this workforce and a millennial, she is self-motivated, organized, confident, able to analyze failure and restructure methods for success, manages her time effectively, excels in her work, and is responsible. The panel was perplexed.

The psychiatrist wanted to know what had made my daughter different. The answer is that she was never given a trophy nor received praise for something she did not accomplish or deserve; she was never shielded from the realities of life while growing up, and she was responsible for her assigned tasks knowing that if she failed, the consequences were hers.

I am sure that problem-solving and coping is very complicated for the mentally ill and thereby makes suicide a very real and dangerous threat. The CDC however, has plainly stated that over half the suicides in America (54%) are not illness related; rather, they are issue related. If over half of the suicides are issue related our society is suffering from a lack of problem-solving and/or coping skills.

Shielding your child from pain, disappointment, and responsibility does not make him/her a functioning adult. The baby steps of pain and disappointment toward adulthood strengthen our children and prepare them for the internal battles of emotional nightmares, excruciating betrayals, bigotry, unfair disappointments, and everything else that will hit them in life. Without these skill-building experiences as children, your adult child will be unable to cope and recover from the realities of life.

As a mortician who sees the sad reality of suicide upon her embalming table far too often, I plead with you to stop this insanity of shielding children when they should be developing life coping and life-sustaining skills. Allow them to learn good sportsmanship, the joy that comes from sacrifice and service, and the exhilaration that replaces disappointment after a skill has been mastered. In so doing, it is my fervent prayer that your child will not be the next suicide victim lying on an embalming table somewhere in America because he/she recently experienced relationship problems (42%); a crisis in the past or upcoming two weeks (29%); substance abuse issues (28%); a physical health problem (22%); a job/financial problem (16%); a criminal/legal problem (9%); or a loss of housing (4%).

Instead, prepare your child to be a well-functioning adult able to handle disappointments and problem solve their way to recovery.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Wolves Nipping at our Heels

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:01 GMT

Three and one-half years ago, my youngest daughter underwent total spine fusion due to severe scoliosis. Two years ago, she was in Houston, visiting friends, and the automobile in which she was a rear seat passenger, was rear-ended on the freeway. Perhaps for most people, this would not have been a big deal, but due to the velocity of the impact, and the fact that her back now has no movement whatsoever, she was knocked out by the severe snapping of her neck. Once she regained herself, she realized that she had glass jabbed into various places throughout her body, she was unable to move her neck and right arm, she was confused, frightened, bleeding, unable to hear due to severe ringing in her ears, and in pain.

At the time of the accident, my daughter was preparing to serve a mission. The accident caused quite a delay, but she persevered and was able to enter the mission field with certain limitations. Since that time, my daughter has been on a full-time church mission for 18 months.

Although she suffers from the injuries she sustained, there is no time on a mission to address her issues. She comes home Monday, exactly one week after the day that the statute of limitations on her accident expires. Interestingly, the insurance company, aware of this time discrepancy, did not attempt to properly settle her medical debts brought on by their client as they promised, and are obligated to do. As they spoke with my husband and me late Friday night at 4:55 PM, they informed us that come Monday evening; we would see our daughter’s future ruined due to unsettled medical bills. Their calculated inactions, her trusting nature, and her obedience during her mission service would inflict severe negative consequences affecting her future college and career goals. The insurance company’s solution? Indemnify them before the statute of limitations ran out, and rather than paying the debts and clearing up her credit, they would issue a check to my daughter equaling one quarter of the total bills, allowing the consequences of their evil deeds to damage her life as she attempted to right the wrongs they had intentionally inflicted upon her.

My weekend was a disaster. I was so distraught over their horrendous and calculated mistreatment to my daughter that I could not rest. I could not eat. I could not do anything but cry, because I felt completely hopeless and unable to help my daughter out of this terrible situation.

About a year ago, a gentleman called me on the phone to discuss an article I had written about suicide. During our conversation, he had mentioned that he was a licensed attorney in the State of Texas. Is not it wonderful how God places people in our lives to help us and we do not even realize what is going on it when it happens?

As I was lamenting over what could be done to help my daughter, I remembered this kind gentleman and our conversation. I wondered if he might be able to advise me at this late hour. I flashed off an email to him Friday night as I sat on my couch in tears.

As he entered his office Monday morning, my friend began his workday routine by checking his emails. As he read my email, he immediately called me and offered me the assistance I needed.

I am grateful to him for his assistance. Monday morning, he had a choice. He could have ignored my plea, but he chose to emulate the example of Christ, and help someone in need. His phone call was so gentle and kind. He immediately began gathering the information that I needed and emailed it to me right away. By 3:00 PM, I was able to file an action to stop the statute of limitation’s expiration, allowing my daughter to seek counsel and pursue a proper and just outcome.

I pick her up in three days; one week after the insurance company’s calculated injustice toward her. Her mission has ended. The last time I saw her, she had just turned 19 years old. She is now 21. During that time, we have emailed once each week, and video chatted for 30 minutes on two Mother’s Days, and one Christmas. Those are the mission rules.

She has been a very successful missionary. She has brought numerous souls unto Christ. She has served people across the world; too many to count. Her service and influence will continue without end because she has changed lives. At such a young age, she has made the world a better place. She too has followed the words of Christ and helped those in need.

My attorney friend lost his wife last year. As a widower, he grieves very deeply for her companionship, their love, and the life they shared together. Throughout this year, my friend has been on my prayer list. He is a good man with a good heart. I am very grateful for his kindness toward me.

Monday morning, my friend made a choice. He chose to follow the example and commandments of Christ. “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) While in the service of her Lord, my daughter, kindly received service from another.

We do not know how things will turn out for her future. She has a battle against a giant foe who has already tried to deceive and forcefully damage her; but, there are people in the world of moral character, and one came to our assistance while the wolves were nipping at our heels. For that, we give thanks, for that we find hope, and for that, we know my friend’s name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.

Throughout this year, my friend has been on my prayer list, and there, I feel fairly certain, he shall remain. Please add my friend and all those who suffer loss, to your prayer list. Grief is a pain that strangles the joy out of your being and breaks your will to live.

My friend is a good man; he deserves comfort as he awaits the day when he will reunite with his beloved wife in the presence of his Savior, Christ. Everyone deserves that. That is my prayer. Will you make it yours too?

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

How Do I Love Thee

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:01 GMT

Wow, have you ever had one of those weeks where it starts in a crazy rush and before you know it, what seemed out of control on Monday, turns out to have actually been the calmest part of the week? That has been my week.

As I woke up on Monday, I knew exactly what I would write about in my article. Before I could even sit down to write, however, my topic had changed. I needed a few days to settle down, so I decided I would wait until Wednesday to begin my article. By Wednesday, my topic had changed yet again. What a week. Now that it is Friday, I have decided, I must write three different articles.

My Monday morning actually began two years ago, but that is the topic of my second article. First, I must write my first article. My first article began two weeks ago when my cousin’s husband was diagnosed with cancer. Within two weeks of diagnosis, he passed from that same illness. She and her family are devastated.

As she and I stood at his casket in my funeral home, she reached out and touched his hand. In a barely audible voice, she whispered to me, “I only hope he knew that I loved him.” As tears swelled over the boundaries of my eyes, I assured her that he had.

How very sad to wonder if your spouse knew the depth of your love for him/her. As I drove in the car with my husband the next day, I reached for his hand. I looked at him and asked, “Sweet Pea, do you know that I love you more than life itself and that without you, my life would be over, and I would wither away in loneliness and sadness?” My husband looked at me and asked if there were something he should know about? I assured him that all was well, but that it was very important for me to know, that he knew, that my love for him was greater than my desire to live without him by my side.

As a funeral director, I see survivors who fail to express their love for their loved ones before life slips away suffer great miseries. Unfortunately, life slips away at its convenience, not ours. My dear cousin had no idea that her husband was so gravely ill. When the doctor said, “You can’t go home from this check-up, you have to be admitted to the hospital,” she was surprised. Even then, when her husband died within two weeks time, she was still wondering if it were all a terrible dream. She was waiting to wake up and find relief from her imagination. She told me so numerous times.

Unfortunately, it was not a dream. In reality, she was standing there, beside me, wondering when the last time was that she told her husband that she loved him. Now her opportunities are gone. She cannot reach over as they watch TV and cuddle up to him and say, “Sweetheart, I love you.” She cannot take a cool glass of water out to him as he mows the lawn in the hot summer sun, and give him that sweet look between husband and wife that says, “I was thinking of how much I love you and appreciate all that you do for us.” She cannot even bake him his favorite dessert or fold his laundry for him. Now she waits and tears herself apart because she wonders if he knew that she loved him.

Please do not put yourself in this situation. Take the time every day to reach out to those you love and express your love to them. Do not find yourself standing beside the casket of your loved one wondering if they knew your love existed. That is a miserable place to be. That will be the destruction of your peace, your life, and of your soul.

Do yourself a favor; let go of any past sorrows or regrets. Reach out today to those you love, mend fences, and make sure, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that they know of your love. “Why?” because two weeks from now, or maybe next week, even tomorrow, may be too darn late. It was for my cousin, I could be for you too.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe IV Mother's Day

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:40:00 GMT

Dear Daughter,

I know that this year has been the hardest year of your life. It has been the hardest one of my life too. As mothers, our greatest joy, pride, worry, and sorrow all stem from the same place, our children. The passing of Mikey Joe is absolutely the most difficult experience either of us has ever had. Losing him was filled with pain and sorrow. I miss him with every breath that I draw. My greatest pain, however, was witnessing my baby’s pain and realizing that I was powerless in lifting her burden.

Thank you for allowing me to see to Mikey Joe’s funeral needs. Being able to serve him helped me express my joy at being his grandmother, and my pain at losing him. It allowed me to give something to him even though I would never hear his sweet voice or watch as he learned amazing things from his adoring brother and sister. I was able to reconcile his loss deep within my heart through service to him, to you, and to Heavenly Father as I arranged for his needs.

I know that as the years pass, we will remember Mikey Joe with the same sorrow we now experience, however, we will eventually be better able to control our tears from flowing so freely. There is not a day that passes that his sweet spirit does not reach out and touch my heart. I know it is the same for you too. As I am sure that my time to leave this earth will arrive before your own, and although I know he knows it already, I will embrace Mikey Joe when I see him on the other side of life and tell him how much his mommy loves and misses him; how honored she felt to be chosen to be his mommy; that she is a valiant daughter of God; and that she anticipates meeting him with extreme yearning and a heart filled with love.

I love you, dear daughter. I miss you, and I am so sorry you have suffered so deeply. I am proud of your strength, your testimony, your dedication to your family, and your eternal goals. You have always been such a wonderful daughter. You are now a wonderful mother. I am honored to be your momma.

Wishing you a mother’s life filled with happiness and joy.

Love Momma, Mother's Day 2018

Mikey Joe III - Burial

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:57 GMT

The loss of a baby is so dreadfully painful. My daughter cries daily from her pain and sorrow. She said that leaving the hospital with empty arms was the most unnatural and difficult thing she has ever done. Burying her deceased son brought her some relief. It did the same for me. I was surprised how comforting burying my grandson actually was. Before we covered him, by returning the soil back into the earth, I could not rest. I felt at times as though I would lose my mind. Placing him in his grave and covering him with the barrier of soil helped me to feel as though his tiny body was protected and at last safe, from further harm. When I miss him and become upset, I think of how that simple tradition of burying my sweet boy brought me such comfort and it helps me to continue on. "I love you, Mikey Joe."

Challenges of Sudden Death

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:53 GMT

Sudden Death is a unique category of loss. It includes heart attacks, strokes, suicides, homicides, and accidents.

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NO WARNING

Sudden deaths are those that occur without warning. These types of deaths require special understanding and intervention. Sudden deaths are more difficult to grieve and recover from than other deaths that give some warning. Advanced warning that death is coming allows family and friends time to prepare for their imminent loss. Survivors of sudden death may find it beneficial to consult with a counselor, especially in the case of violence. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

Children are especially at risk when a sudden death is suffered within their circle of loved ones.

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CHILDREN

Sudden death is particularly difficult for children to resolve. Often children will see the death as a fulfillment of hostile wishing. If in anger, the child has inwardly wished that a sibling were dead after a disagreement or even a parent for that matter, the actualization of that death can make it very difficult for a child to recognize the irrelevance between the wish and the death. The child in this situation is in grave danger of extreme guilt and depression. In this situation, professional intervention is paramount. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

There are so many emotions associated with sudden death that attempting to address them in one article is unrealistic. If you are suffering a sudden death, and are finding that you are having difficulties, I would suggest seeking assistance. There are many avenues to assist those who grieve. You may feel comfortable in an anonymous setting where there are many survivors assisting each other. You might choose to team up with a grief recovery buddy, someone who has already traversed the waters of recovery who is willing to help you along your journey. Yet again, you may feel more secure in a private setting with a qualified grief counselor. Your local funeral home should be able to assist you in finding various solutions for recovery assistance. Quite often hospice is able to help as well.

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HELPLESSNESS

In the case of sudden death, survivors may suffer from a sense of helplessness. This feeling affects the survivor's ability to function in an orderly fashion and negates one's sense of power. Often these feelings of helplessness lead to an incredible sense of rage. Survivors may find that they are expressing aggression toward those who have or those who are trying to help. These expressions may help the survivor deal more openly with their feelings; however, if they follow through with retribution, the situation needs immediate action. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

If you find that you are experiencing helplessness, rage, anger, confusion, depression, or any other emotion too difficult to manage, please seek out assistance immediately.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Know your Birth Date

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:53 GMT

Your birth date is a very important fact when related to an insurance policy. This past month, I have had three clients who recorded their birth dates incorrectly when purchasing their life insurance policies.

When one passes, life insurance is often the payment method whereby burial expenses will be paid. If one’s birth date was incorrectly given or recorded at time of purchase, the life insurance policy becomes compromised. Insurance companies become very suspicious when a discrepancy surfaces, and it triggers all sorts of complications for the beneficiary.

Initially, an insurance policy is priced based upon one’s birth date and quality of health. If the birth date were incorrect, the cost of the policy would have issued under false statements. At this juncture, the validity of the policy is called into question. In some cases, the policy may be devalued. In others, the policy may be voided in its entirety. In either case, the outcome is not favorable for the beneficiary.

If the beneficiary was relying upon the insurance policy to cover the costs associated with death, they must now scramble for other funding solutions. This is a disastrous time to run into such a careless obstacle.

If you are contemplating purchasing life insurance, or better still burial insurance, please check the data you relay to your agent. If it feasible that the dates you provide will be correct, however, people are human and make mistakes. Your agent may inadvertently transpose the numbers or hear them differently than you spoke them. Whatever the case, check, and then double check, your birth date, as well as, all other information provided on the application for accuracy. If you fail to do this, there might be unnecessary burdens placed upon your beneficiaries when you die.

People who buy insurance do not do it to leave their dependents vulnerable. They do it for the express purpose of ensuring that their dependents are safely provided for and that the debts of life are covered. Incorrect information on an insurance policy may thwart those goals.

One more priceless pearl of wisdom, your birth date is whatever your government issued papers say it is. If your driver’s license says you were born January 31, 1776, but your mother says you were actually born January 31, 1976, get your driver’s license corrected. However, if you fail to get your driver’s license corrected and you buy life insurance, go with the driver’s license. If you go with momma, you will be left upstream without a paddle.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Never Play in the Street

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:52 GMT

When I was a little girl, my mother taught me never to play in the street. When I was a mother with young children, I taught them as my mother did me; “Never play in the street.”

There is wisdom in teaching one’s children prudence, safety, and manners in their youth. One hopes a well-trained child will carry the “Pearls of Wisdom” taught during childhood through the lines of lineage, and rely upon them during times of distress and danger. Solomon’s advice to parents “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6), is literally as applicable today as it was when time first began.

As a child matures, parents must bridge the concepts presented in childhood into their maturing environment. One hopes that the child will process the concept of evolution and appropriate application within their maturing mind and adequately apply it to their ever-changing environment. Parents should test the abilities of their children as they progress through the maturing process for concepts of critical thinking and application. Additionally, parents should expand the concepts into wider applications expanding the child’s growing world.

For example, “Don’t play in the street.” to a young child may mean, “Do not ride your tricycle in the road.” However, for a teenager, “Don’t play in the street.” may mean, “No drag racing.” The concept, “Being in the Road is Dangerous,” is the same. The application, however, is age appropriate. The concept has bridged the eras of life.

Sadly, I recently served a family where the concept “Never play in the street.” did not bridge from tricycles to automobiles. This heartbroken family suffered the loss of a young man practicing his independence. One late evening as he traveled home from his activities, his vehicle became disabled. Rather than utilizing his cell phone for roadside assistance, he ventured out into the street to flag down passing motorists. Not expecting a man in the road, he was struck by an unsuspecting motorist.

Now two families suffer from this tragic lapse of concept bridging. One family has lost a son, the other carries the weight of that loss through feelings of guilt. Both families grieve this loss; both feel sorrow, anger, and fear.

This loss was easily avoidable. Throughout the entire experience, the application of a child’s concept “Never play in the street,” should have bridged over to a teenager’s application of “Being in the road is dangerous.” This more mature understanding would certainly have saved this young man’s life.

Unfortunately, for this family, it is too late. Their son is gone. For others, however, time is on their side. “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Please, bridge the concepts of youth by testing the critical application skills of your children as they mature. Doing so may one day save their lives.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Easter News

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:49 GMT

My very first case as a licensed funeral director was my great uncle. His death was quite some time ago, but I remember it very well. I was sitting in church Easter Sunday and my cell phone rang. I stepped out into the foyer and answered the call. It was my dear cousin telling me that her father had just past.

Last week was Easter Sunday and as I sat listening to the speaker, I thought the experience of losing my great uncle. I also thought about my cousins. They were so sad to lose their father.

Today as I sat in church, I found out that my dear cousin received grave news last week: the week of Easter. Her husband has been diagnosed with a terminal illness that is aggressively attacking him. His prognosis is bleak. My cousin and her family are faced with the reality that her husband will soon depart from them. He will leave behind a grieving widow, grieving sons and daughters, and grieving grandchildren.

Although it has been a long time since my uncle passed, my cousin will suffer a difficult grief scenario. As her husband was diagnosed as terminal during the eventful week of Easter, the same time of year of her father’s death, she will relate the two deaths together. She most likely will suffer a complicated grief recovery. She and her family have already entered into the trials of grief. They are suffering the future loss of their patriarch as they witness his life begin to slip away.

I wish I could take this pain from them, but I cannot. What I can do, if they will allow me to, is to help them prepare for their loss. Of great value, would be to concentrate on making their final weeks, hopefully, months, together as productive as possible. They will find great comfort later on if they will fill their time making wonderful loving memories to draw upon once he has passed. They should take every opportunity to be together, to set anything that is awry back to where it should be. They need to be with him when he is frightened, ill, and weak. They should openly express their love to him and serve him as he labors toward death. If possible, they should be with him when he slips from this life into the next.

Although these tasks may be difficult to bear, if they will do them, they will experience their greatest comfort once he is gone. It will not make his passing easy, but it will bring relief to know that they helped him through his last days, that he left this life knowing that he was loved and that he had the opportunity to set things right before going.

Doing these things will bless him, and them, with comfort and relief, and greatly contribute to their recovery.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe II - Acknowledgment Cards

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:47 GMT

As a funeral director, I am often asked about acknowledgment cards. One of my funeral arts classes, while attending college, focused on the traditions and etiquette surrounding funerals, so acknowledgment cards are an easy subject to explain.

Acknowledgment cards are merely thank you cards addressing services performed by those who participated in any way at a funeral or assisted in relieving the mourner’s burdens. They should be written on card stock, rather than plain paper, and sent out in a timely fashion. Funeral homes offer funeral specific cards for your convenience.

Personally, I have always thought the cards offered by the funeral industry were a little lacking. Therefore, when asked about acknowledgment cards, I always offer an alternative; blank cards from the dollar store.

This past week I had the daunting task of writing and sending acknowledgment cards to those who assisted with my grandson's funeral. My daughter and her family have suffered emotionally over his loss and as they have experienced exhaustive travel, I volunteered to take on the task.

I am a stationery collector. I have drawers and shelves full of beautiful stationery for every occasion. I love the different designs, weights, sentiments, etc. of each individual set. I do not usually purchase stationery at stationery specific stores. I search out lovely boutiques in towns that focus on appealing to shoppers with unique and discriminating appreciation.

As I approached my task of writing my grandson’s acknowledgment cards, I chose a box of cards that I have treasured for decades. They were lovely - elegant peacocks in a grand display, poised before pure white Grecian columns, painted in beautiful hues by the impressionist’s brush and accented with swirls of gold embossing. I purchased these cards when I was a missionary in the south of France in the early 1980’s. I have held on to these cards for a very long time, holding them in reserve for a very special purpose. I never suspected that purpose would be to express my deepest gratitude for services rendered to my family by those who care and love us most.

As with most things related to my profession, I felt adequately qualified for the task. I sat down at my desk and began putting pen to card. Suddenly, I realized that the experience would be very different than I had anticipated.

Writing an acknowledgment card is nothing like writing a thank you card. A thank you card is usually written about something wonderful; either a gift received, or a kind act performed in your favor. An acknowledgment card is written to thank someone for serving you on the worst day of your life. A day when life is broken, when breathing takes a conscious effort, and when nothing else in the world matters to you. How do you put that; the magnitude of someone’s kindness and service to you, on a little three and a half by five card? You cannot.

For three days, I would approach my desk, take my pen in hand, and attempt the task. For three days, I was unable to accomplish it. As I would touch the lovely cards, purchased so long ago and treasured for a special purpose, my heart would be so full that I could not wipe the tears away from my eyes swiftly enough to keep them from spilling down my face. The words within my heart inadequately represented my soul’s expressions.

Finally, on the fourth day, I had an epiphany. Those plain, pre-printed acknowledgment cards offered by the funeral industry, perhaps were not so lacking after all. I rose from my desk and went to my arrangement room. I reached into the secretary drawer and pulled out a box of plain white cards with black script embossing. I realized a new appreciation for their simplicity and fulfillment of purpose.

I looked at those cards that I so often told clients were not worth their cost and realized that they were worth more than the elegantly printed stationary that I had treasured for so many decades. The simple sentiment, embossed in bold contrast, eloquently expressed all that I needed to say. “Thank you for your kindness and sympathy. It was received with deepest appreciation.”

As I signed my and my daughter’s names to the cards, I remained unable to reign in my emotions as I recalled with great love and appreciation, each act of kindness received from our friends and family. I will never forget their service and love to us on that sad and dreadful day.

Our signatures are barely legible on those cards, but I know that our friends and family realize that I was signing them blindly through tears of sorrow and pain. Preprinted acknowledgment cards may be simple and basic, but they are offered in thanksgiving for the most simple and basic needs known to man, the rendering of love and empathy. The anguish within my soul would have crushed me that day had it not been for the love and support with which my friends and family attended me - that dreadful day that we buried my beloved grandson, Mikey Joe.

For that, I remain everlastingly in their debt.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Mikey Joe I

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:45 GMT

Last night I was talking to my daughter on the phone. She and her sweet little family had just returned to Hawaii, their home, after being on the mainland for twenty days. Today, my son-in-law returns to work. Today marks the one-month anniversary that they posted their reveal for their soon to arrive bundle of joy, on social media.

It was an exciting morning. My husband popped his head into my office and announced that our daughter had finally posted her reveal. I couldn’t wait to see it. I jumped online immediately to watch it. I laughed and cried as I watched my daughter, her husband, and my sweet grandchildren, reveal to everyone they love, that they would soon have a new addition gracing their family.

My son-in-law does not like to announce pregnancies early as he and his first wife lost a child during gestation. To respect his wishes, my husband and I must hold our excitement and happiness from our family and friends until our daughter’s baby bump becomes undeniable. At that time, our son-in-law relinquishes his secret and we are all free to celebrate.

Salutations were coming from far and wide. Friends and family were texting, posting, and phoning with congratulations, and the day was exhilarating. As my husband and I met for lunch, my phone rang once more. I looked at the caller id. Before I answered the phone and before she said a word; I knew. Her voice was strained, she tried not to sound worried, she asked me not to worry – but I knew – my daughter was miscarrying my grandchild. My son-in-law rushed her to the hospital and by dinner, she was induced.

Our grandson was delivered in Hawaii the day his mother posted his reveal on social media – lifeless - to brokenhearted parents and brokenhearted grandparents. By nightfall, the congratulations were no longer coming. In their stead, tears filled our hearts, and condolences and flowers filled our home.

My daughter, ever so practical, immediately began planning for the burial of her sweet son. Her husband, a service member, needed bereavement leave. That meant the Red Cross would be involved. Her son would have to be flown to the mainland, as would she and her family. Of course, expenses were a concern as they live on a military family’s income. Five days later, my husband and I picked up our daughter and her family at the Dallas airport and brought them home. Two days later, we returned to Dallas for our deceased grandson. Four days later, we buried him.

Last night as we were talking, my daughter told me that she had received a condolence from a dearly loved friend who suffered a significant loss some years back. She spoke of the comfort and relief she experienced upon reading his kind and thoughtful message. Her husband finds it difficult that some of their friends avoid them. She told him that their friends avoid them not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know what to say that might help.

Through the pain of losing her child, my daughter has realized that the shroud of grief ebbs outward toward those who love and care for her, drawing on their fears and suffocating them into silence. Although her battle continues, she has fought her foe and reaches out to extend a hand of comfort and love to those whose hearts suffer over her anguish. She has become a survivor.

She has her moments, sleep continues to evade her, and tears spill at inopportune moments. I expect her sorrow will accompany her for the rest of her life. She is tough though. She understands that attitude determines outcome. She recognizes that although tragedy has visited her home, happiness and love reside there harmoniously.

Today, one month after losing his son, my son-in-law returns to work. There are no words gentle enough to soften this painful day for him. He carries a burden deeper than the sea that surrounds all of the South Pacific.

Through all of this, I have learned marvelous things about my daughter and son-in-law. I have learned that they love their Savior and follow his example. That through the adversity of a parent’s greatest pain, that of losing a child, they understand that others grieve for them. They are amazingly strong people. I am so proud of them and I know that as they travel through life, they will make it their mission to help other young parents who suffer this heartbreaking tragedy.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Rock-a-Bye Baby

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:42 GMT

I like to think most people are decent people. In the event of a tragedy, I like to think that almost everyone, even those who ordinarily experience a deficit in decency, will step up to their better selves and lend a hand of compassion to those who suffer. I have often been told that I see the world, and humanity, through rose-colored glasses. This weekend has proven that statement true.

When I see looters or violent mobs on the news, I think to myself, “Well, they are underprivileged people who have never experienced the dignity of self-reliance, the fulfillment of self-mastery, or unselfish dedicated love for anyone other than themselves. Otherwise, how could they so horribly victimize those who have done nothing to them?” Their behavior only serves to taint their cause and bring focus on the negative aspects of their movement. Victimizing others out of tantrum, demonstration, or any other reason is pure barbarism.

The florist brought over flowers for a service this weekend and as she lingered, we took a moment to chat. She mentioned that when she was first married, she miscarried a child just two weeks shy of full term. How utterly heartbreaking. I can’t imagine the heartache she suffered. As we were discussing her experience, she mentioned that during her bereavement she would receive prank phone calls related to the miscarriage. In detail, she related that as she answered the phone, she would be met with a moment of silence before music would begin to play, the song: Rock-A-Bye-Baby.

She endured this torture for six months as the police and phone company tried to trace the phone calls, without success. I cannot imagine the anguish that she suffered, the intensity of grief that continued to build up within her heart and soul at the cruelty of another human being’s actions toward her, and the fear she experienced each time her phone rang. I am surprised that she even has a phone, now that they are cellular. Fortunately, in today’s world, we have caller id and inferior little trolls who would treat a bereft mother so abusively would be easily identified.

Losing a loved one is a serious event, which imposes serious psychological vulnerabilities upon the survivor. In most cases, these vulnerabilities are temporary; however, persons who would exploit such a devastating event are seriously deficient and should be separated from society. Those who would exploit the bereft would also exploit the elderly and the innocent. Such individuals are dangerous and should be exposed. One would be well advised to remove such individuals from their circle of friends before tragedy strikes their lives.

The exploitation of such tragedy damages the survivor’s ability to recover. Their inability allows their vulnerabilities to proliferate and before too long, professional assistance becomes necessary. Without professional assistance, the survivor will suffer complicated and prolonged grief scenarios. The effects of these scenarios will infiltrate all aspects of the survivor’s life. Other relationships will suffer, as will work performance and health. If not addressed, such stress upon the human mind and body may lead to serious mental and physical illnesses or even death.

It has been thirty years since my florist friend lost her baby. This weekend, I stood at my front door witnessing the pain and anguish she still suffers at the actions of a barbaric coward who hid behind a phone wire to terrorize a young mother, bereft over the death of her child. The loss of a child is a wound that never heals. The sadistic terror inflicted upon her is inconceivable and unpardonable.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Death and Social Security

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:40 GMT

Last week, I assisted a family to bury their patriarch. Three months prior, they had buried his son. Two deaths so closely connected create a nightmare grief experience for their loved ones. In this family, a young grandson suffered immensely.

The visitation took place the evening before the burial. The young grandson was very upset and his mother comforted him numerous times. At the graveside, he was inconsolable. His heart was broken. He was young but old enough to realize from the previous experience of losing his uncle, that this experience would be devastating, and that it would sting for a very long time. He grasped at time and would not leave his grandfather’s casket. Eventually, with a sobbing heart of her own, his mother pulled him away so that the grave could be closed.

It was a brutal winter’s day in East Texas. The icy rain pinged on the steel as his grandfather’s casket lowered out of view. As the mother pulled her son away, he fought to stay with his grandpa. With arms outstretched toward the casket he cried, “I’m not ready, I’m not ready.”

His face was drawn with pain and every fiber of his body fought to keep the reality of time still. He dreaded that moment when the earth would settle over his grandpa’s grave and seal their separation for the remainder of his days. He could not bear it yet was forced to surrender to it.

I fear for this young boy. His father is very ill. The closeness of significant male deaths in his young life has brought a reality that most are ill-equipped to endure. Were his father to suffer grave consequences, he would be in danger of unbearable pain. My fear would be that should his body endure the stress, his coping skills would fail.

At this point in his young life, I would suggest professional grief counseling. Without it, his recovery is bleak. He is too young to have significant loss experiences from which to draw, and with his father’s looming ill health, he needs immediate assistance.

Children are not immune to grief. By virtue of their youth, they lack life’s experiences and are thereby less equipped to successfully traverse this trial. It is, therefore, incumbent upon parents, and other adults, vested in the child’s welfare, to step forward, and through example and counseling, assist the child through the rigors of grief recovery.

SUPPORTING A CHILD THROUGH GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT

After a loss, children need support, stability, honesty, and reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an adult, you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating that it is okay to be sad and helping them make sense of their loss.

Always answer a child’s questions as truthfully as you can. Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child. Children often blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not at fault.

Open communication will smooth the way for a child to express distressing feelings. Sometimes, as adults, dialogue can be difficult when we have suffered a loss. Encouraging the child to express themselves through stories, games, and artwork promotes free expression that a parent or other adult may evaluate for clues about how they are coping.

EXPRESSION OF GRIEF

The range of reactions that children display in response to death may include one or more of the following.

Emotional Shock

Allows the child to detach from the pain.

Regressive (Immature) Behaviors

Indicate extreme stress, frustration, and trauma.

Explosive Emotions and Acting Out Behavior

Reflect the child’s internal feeling of anger, terror, frustration, helplessness, and insecurity.

Asking the Same Questions Over and Over

Indicates the information is shocking and difficult to believe or accept.

HOW TO HELP A GRIEVING CHILD

Allow your child, how ever young, to attend the funeral is he or she wants to.

Convey your spiritual values about life and death, or pray with your child.

Meet regularly as a family to find out how everyone is coping.

Help children find ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person.

Keep your child’s daily routine as normal as possible.

Pay attention to the way a child plays. Play can be a child’s primary source of communication.

HELPING CHILDREN COPE

Allow children to talk about their grief. Be a good listener.

Not every child understand death in the same way. Each child is different and their views are unique.

Allow children time to grieve in their own way. Pressing children to resume “normal” activities before they are ready may prompt additional problems.

Do not lie or tell half-truths. Lies do not help children heal or develop effective coping strategies.

Help children understand loss and death. Give the child information that is age appropriate, understandable, and simple in nature.

Encourage children to ask questions. Be respectful and help them find their own answers.

Children may not grieve in a predictable way. We all grieve in our own unique ways.

Let children know that you want to understand their feelings and needs. Sometimes children are upset but cannot tell you what will be helpful.

Allow children to formulate conclusions. Giving them time and encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings may help them organize the information and develop understanding.

Allow children to cry. Scientific studies indicate that crying may have healing potential. The chemical imbalances caused by stress may be leveled out by the removal of toxic substances through tears.

COMMUNICATION FACTS

Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They hear about it in fairy tales, see it on television, and act it out in their video games.

Not talking about something does not mean we are not communicating. To a child, avoidance can be a message, “If mom or dad cannot talk about something, it must be really bad.”

If we permit children to talk to us about death we can give them needed information, prepare them for a crisis, and help them when they are upset.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Helping Children Grieve

tracy@queencityfuneralhome.com (Tracy Lee) — Thu, 21 May 2020 20:39:36 GMT