ANXIETY

Most people do not expect anxiety to be a consequence of loss. After 20 years in the funeral profession, I have come to realize that anxiety is a natural response to loss.

Whenever a person undergoes change, anxiety rears itself. A few examples of experiences that cause anxiety would be moving, changing jobs, starting school, taking tests, divorce, loss, and other things that cause a change in your life. Loss is the ultimate life changer and therefore, naturally causes anxiety.

I have a dear friend who lost her husband a few years ago. Even though her husband left her with multiple retirements, social security, and a generous amount of insurance, she was very anxious about her future. It took her about 3 years to finally feel somewhat relaxed and secure in her life.

ANXIETY IS OUR RESPONSE TO FEAR

With death, our fear is generally caused by our insecurity about our future. I suggest that you might concentrate on planning your future as quickly as you are able. Figure out your financial situation and put into place steps to solidify your future financial needs. Some may need to reenter the job market, or depending on your age, stay where you are. Others may simply need to set up a budget and hold to it. Whatever your financial situation, examine it and plan for your future.

Your fears may not encompass financial worries. You may be fearful of being alone or living too far away from your children. Whatever your fears are, address them and organize a plan to manage them.

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ANXIETY

Anxiety is common among the bereaved.

A survivor may fear that without the support of the deceased, they will perish.

This may create a heightened sense of personal death awareness.

As one’s skills adjust to the absence of their loved one, so too should anxiety.

In the interim, survivors may find comfort in consulting a grief expert. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

ANXIETY IS HEIGHTENED BY WORRY

Worry robs you of your strength and your ability to maintain calm and complete thoughts. If left unaddressed, worry can lead to ailments that can negatively impact your health.

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WORRY

Worry exacerbates fatigue and grief.

If you are experiencing the phases of grief, chances are, your unwelcome companion is worry.

Since worry exacerbates your experience, it can be a good practice to address your worries sooner rather than later.

If you find that your level of functionality interferes with your ability to settle logically your worries with sound and calming strategies, a trusted friend or experienced counselor might be able to assist you. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

ANXIETY IS BROUGHT ON BY GUILT OR REGRET

If you have unfinished business with the decedent, or if your experiences together have left you with intense insecurities, seek to settle these issues immediately. Analyze the cause of your feelings and take immediate action to rectify them.

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GUILT I

Guilt is common among survivors.

Usually, guilt is equated to something that did or did not transpire in connection to the death.

Guilt is generally irrational and dissipates itself through reality adjustments.

If guilt is justifiably connected to death, intervention counseling should be engaged as soon as possible. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

THERE ARE PROVEN METHODS ONE CAN EMPLOY TO LESSON ANXIETY

When it comes to loss, it seems to me that the greatest contributor to anxiety is the unknown. The fact that one’s future is suddenly uncertain is disconcerting.

GRIEF COUNSELING CAN ASSIST YOU IN DEVELOPING COPING SKILLS

These skills will help you organize your worries and incorporate successful anxiety management strategies.

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PSYCHOTHERAPY

For complicated grief, psychotherapy is sometimes warranted.

Counseling can help a survivor identify unhealthy habits and encourage positive growth.

It can yield a recovery plan that the survivor is unable to identify, implement, and accomplish on his or her own. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

SUPPORT IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF ANXIETY RECOVERY

Widows in particular need the support of others when experiencing the insecurities of anxiety.

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HELPLESSNESS I

Widows, in particular, experience feelings of helplessness.

It is not uncommon for widows to suffer such feelings for an extended period of time.

Family and friends play an important rehabilitative role during this period of insecurity.

This role may be minimal, as in morale encouragement.

It may, however, be extensive and require a more hands-on approach, leading up to and including daily functional participation. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

ALLOW OTHERS TO HELP

Some of your best advice will come from someone who has already experienced loss and recovery. Family and friends who love and care for you are willing and want to help you through this most difficult time in your life. Allow them to be there for you and assist you through the loneliness, fear, anxiety, and worries of loss. Doing so will lighten your burdens and help you return to a place where peace can push away your anxieties.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

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John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.