Behavior has Consequences
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
Children are amazing. They are resilient. I love children, I always have. As a professional portrait artist, my favorite paintings are of beautiful, well-behaved, cooperative, and well-groomed children. Personally, I believe there is nothing more perfect or beautiful on earth than an infant, second to them - children.
As a professional portrait artist and funeral director, I have come across some children that are not as well behaved as others. I do not believe this is their fault. I have observed children in many situations - sometimes with, and other times without their parents by their sides. I have found that even the poorly behaved child, when away from a lenient parent, will straighten up and act well. I have also witnessed that once the parent returns so too does the poor behavior. Whose fault then is the bad behavior? I conclude it is the parent's. Were it not so, the behavior would not change upon their absence and return.
At the funeral home, a poorly behaved child feels empowered to act at a level surpassing their usual tendencies. I believe this is due to the lack of supervision and preparatory conversations explaining appropriate behavior at a funeral. When an adult comes to a funeral, they take extra care to groom themselves appropriately; they take extra care to offer condolences, and they take extra care to assist their friends and family in overcoming the extreme stress of loss by altering their attention from themselves onto the survivor. This is appropriate and as it should be. Unfortunately, their attention and stress levels are so focused on the survivor that they will often forget to monitor their children.
I have written and published two books aimed at assisting parents to prepare their children for the experience of loss. The first one, "Someone Has Died, A Children's Guide to Surviving a Loved One's Death" addresses the emotional and psychological effects of loss. The second one, "Someone Has Died, Minding Your Manners at the Funeral Home" addresses behavior, and keeping children safe during final ceremonies. Whether a child is suffering their first funeral or their thirty-first funeral, a parent has a responsibility to prepare and review with them the psychological effects, as well as, proper and acceptable behavior for such solemn occasions. These two issues leave a child unprotected if not adequately addressed by the parent before attendance at every funeral. As adults, we prepare ourselves for unfamiliar, stressful, and potentially dangerous situations, why then would we not prepare our precious children for situations that may be psychologically damaging and/or physically dangerous for them as well?
Understanding and preparing for the emotions that accompany the death of a loved one is paramount for the recovery of all involved. Children are not excluded from these emotions; neither should they be excluded from preparing for them. Without proper information, education, and preparation, children are vulnerable to manipulation and other unsavory actions from adults, and other children, who might cause them harm. The psychological or physical perpetrator may, or may not share a kinship with the child. He or she may just as easily be a predator who is aware of the loss, or may be attending the services as a funeral crasher. The point is that children need to be prepared and understand that their - or their parent’s - vulnerabilities during this time, open the door to situations that may not be ideal.
Additionally, the behavior of the child should be addressed. Children who tend to be poorly behaved, well behaved, or timidly behaved may find themselves in frightening situations during the funeral ceremonies. Occasionally, surviving families have underlying currents of aggression lurking just below their threshold of control. If a child is left temporarily unattended when aggressive behavior erupts between overly stressed adults, they may be the undeserving recipients of deflection. A child’s psychological health, as well as their physical health, is in grave danger when this happens.
Children who are unruly or out of control at funerals tend to exacerbate the underlying currents of aggression in adults who are near eruption. Often, an adult who would ordinarily tolerate a child’s poor behavior will find that he or she is unable to maintain or manage their self-control. The annoyance from the poorly behaved child may push the stress level of grieving adults beyond their abilities of composure. As their composure erodes, they will lash out at the offending child. On occasion, the adult may physically attack the child. This is a desperately dangerous situation for children and adults alike. A parent who has failed to adequately prepare their child for acceptable behavior, and then fails to monitor their child during a potentially volatile event, may find that their child is the object of an out of control adult. This scenario will instantly become the focus of everyone in attendance, and families may see a division within their ranks that may be insurmountable for generations.
Recently, I attended such an event. The question at this point is which adult is at fault. A grieving human being is in a compromised state of life. Their work performance, relationships, identity, stability, and abilities to care for themselves all suffer during this time. Their tolerance levels decrease and their stress levels increase. No one ever wants to see adults attack each other – even more repulsive however, is when an adult attacks a child. Responsible adults in any situation other than grief may be able to control themselves. Unfortunately, the loss of a loved one is unique unto itself. There is no other pain as greatly life altering as death. There is no other scenario as violently motivating as witnessing an adult attack your child. It is incumbent upon parents to prepare their children for funeral attendance, both behaviorally and psychologically. It is a duty that may potentially protect the child's well-being and the stability of family unity for generations to come.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.