Denying Denial
Tracy Lee • May 12, 2020
My mother’s health is failing. She may be gone from us soon. She is very sad and wants her children by her side at all times. She recently suffered a disastrous 11-day hospital stay following what was supposed to be a day surgery. From the hospital, she was released into a nursing home for two days.
I was going grocery shopping early Saturday morning, August 5, 2017, as my cupboards were nearly bare from having spent most of the past 13 days at the hospital and nursing home with my mother. As I neared the freeway exit, however, I felt compelled to remain on route, and rather than finding myself at the grocery store, I found myself walking into my mother’s room to check on her.
I saw that her eyes were closed. Softly, I called out to her in order that I not to wake her, should she be sleeping. She stirred slightly, so I touched her hand with mine. Faintly, she uttered, “I’m crying.” I was so startled by her statement that I didn’t know exactly what to say to her. In confusion, I asked, “Mom?” With eyes still closed, she grabbed my hand so tightly. She could barely speak. Between sobs, she cried, “I’m dying.” In dismay, I asked in disbelief, “What?” “I want my children here with me. I’m dying.” She sobbed.
I immediately reached for my phone with my free hand. Trying to calm my mother, I sent out a text to my siblings, “Hurry here. Mother is very upset. She wants us all here. She is afraid she is dying. She is crying.” I noticed my mother was having some sort of involuntary repetitive twitching. It seemed to be rapidly increasing in severity, so I immediately ran to get a nurse.
As the nurse and I reentered my mother’s room, things were not going very well. My mother had gone from bad to worse and needed immediate assistance. The nurse ran out into the hallway and began shouting out names. Apparently, the aids she called out for were not responding quickly enough because she ended her plea with, “anyone”, and ran back into my mother’s room.
Everything seemed to be out of control and so chaotic. I am a calm person though, and obviously, death does not unnerve me. I could hear my mother inside of her room; she was in distress and frightened. I could also hear the nurses trying to help her. I made a decision - if my mother were going to die; she would not die surrounded by strangers. She would die in the arms of her daughter, offering sweet words of comfort and love as she drew her final breath. I re-entered the room. The nurse instructed me to leave. Instead, I walked over to my mother’s bedside.
My mother was vomiting violently. Calmly, I gathered her hair in my hands and pulled it back for her. She looked up at me and I saw the fear, pain, and anguish in her eyes. I bent over and kissed her. I could taste the vomit as it transferred from her face onto my lips. I told her I loved her and that she would be alright, that my youngest sister was in the hallway, and that my other siblings were on their way. It seemed to calm her. The vomiting subsided and the nurses bathed her and changed her clothes.
I put my mom in a wheel chair and we went out into the lobby leaving the pungent odors of illness lingering in her room. My mother was not satisfied, however, and wanted to go outside to feel the sunshine on her face and to wait for the arrival of my other siblings. As we waited for their arrival, my mother’s twitching became more pronounced and the vomiting returned. We had to readmit her into the hospital.
I stayed the night last night with my mom. I slept beside her hospital bed on what some might call a recliner; I would call it something different. As the night passed, my mother asked me questions about things in her life that remain unsettled. The answers I offered brought her nearer to peace.
As a funeral director, I work daily with bereft families. For the past two weeks, I have tried to comfort my mother as she realizes her mortality may be close at hand. I pray that she will recover from this devastating experience. I believe her time has not yet arrived. Practically, however, I realize that as her daughter, I might be engaging in denial. In the event that denial is currently my friend, I cannot stand beside her and not help her prepare for what she fears is just around the corner; her death.
As my mother’s daughter, I want to deny her fears. I want to live life as we always have, not fearing the end of our time together. Unfortunately, when I look into my mother’s eyes, I can no longer be her little girl, running to her for protection and help. She is now the one who is in need of that assistance. I am now the one who must render it.
Oh, how deep the pain rips through my soul.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director at Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and certified grief counselor. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.