Distracters & Maskers
Tracy Lee • May 15, 2020
Following the loss of one’s child, the worst death experience, in my opinion, would be multiple or stacked deaths. I have assisted families who have lost as many as six members in quick succession. A situation where multiple family members die all at once or close together is usually unexpected and very difficult to accept.
Recovery from multiple or stacked deaths is complicated and generally, requires assistance for those suffering the tragedy. In these scenarios, survivors may choose to try dealing with them as one loss rather than several. In other cases, the pain may be so great that survivors choose to ignore them all together. Both recovery scenarios are unhealthy and invite extreme complications.
When a survivor tries to ignore a death, he/she will generally incorporate distracters or maskers into his/her life.
Grief Brief 88
Distracters and Maskers
Some mourners try to minimize or avoid their grief with distracters and/or maskers. Popular distracters include food, excessive exercise, anger, isolation, sex, shopping, work, movies, books, and TV. Popular maskers include alcohol, prescription medications, over the counter or illegal drugs.
Prolonged self-medicating is never an appropriate treatment. It in no way contributes to recovery. Under these circumstances, self-medicating has a tendency to take control of your life and infuse all sorts of collateral damage physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Perscription medications may provide brief assistance but need to be utilized under the care of a licensed psychiatrist specializing in grief recovery.
At the onset, you need to realize that distracters and maskers only serve to delay your grief experience and that these activities may easily turn your experience into a complicated grief scenario.
If you find you are spending excessive hours in the aforementioned distracters and/or maskers, you might reevaluate your coping skills and engage in focused grief counseling.
(Mourning Light I, 2016)
Survivors may turn to their family practice or general practice physicians for assistance. In some cases, a well-trained physician may issue a prescription for medication to temporarily assist the survivor with the associated pain and confusion accompanying their tragic circumstances. Temporary use may yield positive results, however, the potential for complications may be great. Primarily, a family practice or general practice physician, while well trained and highly educated in ailment recovery, is not a psychological or grief specialist; and may be unable to assist the survivor with successful grief recovery.
In a situation where multiple or stacked deaths has been experienced, the recovery process will be so intense and complicated, that the survivor needs a physician who has specialized in the treatment of grief recovery. A grief recovery specialist will recognize immediately that distracters and maskers are only serving to exacerbate the inevitable realization of grief’s anguish. They will be able to assist the survivor in avoiding or overcoming delayed and complicated grief scenarios.
Grief Brief 87
Delayed Grief
Delaying your grief does not eradicate it.
Delaying your grief only serves to extend and exacerbate your experience.
Delayed grief becomes complicated grief.
Once a survivor enters into a state of complicated grief, other issues come into play.
Often a survivor suffering complicated grief develops physical ailments.
These ailments, if left unattended, can turn into disease.
The same holds true for psychological ailments.
Even with treatment, if the underlying issue of grief is not addressed, these issues will become recurring.
(Mourning Light I, 2016)
This past week, I assisted a client who has suffered multiple losses. Unfortunately, she decided to stack her losses rather than face them as they occurred. Upon realization of the first death - her mother - she consulted with her general practitioner. Rather than referring her to a grief specialist, her physician prescribed anti-depression medication. Soon afterward, she suffered a second death - her father. Both of these deaths are extremely significant and involve difficult recoveries. With the accompanying pain and anguish associated with such significant loss, her physician continued prescribing anti-depression medication. The continuation of mind and mood altering drugs continued to allow her to mask her pain and avoid the necessary steps to recover from them. Last week, she suffered the loss of a significant loved one for whom she has been the sole caregiver through an extended life taking illness.
As I entered her home, I could see that the decedent had received attentive care. I noticed that the home was organized and clean and that nearly all of its contents were focused on the care for the decedent. I took a moment to observe the caregiver/survivor and immediately evaluated that she was in a state of complicated grief. What I did not know, at that point, was that she was in the throes of stacked losses and under the treatment of prescribed maskers.
The following afternoon, my surviving client came to the funeral home to make arrangements. Before getting down to business, she took a moment to relate some of her loss histories to me along with the details of her coping attempts. She distracts herself from her pain with extreme housecleaning and masks her heartache and loneliness with prescription medication.
Her mind was very scattered and her thought process very jointed. She has trouble expressing her thoughts and must write everything down word for word, especially any tasks or responsibilities. Rather than listing all of her tasks and then prioritizing, she must stop and review her list as each new task is added. Her thoughts are so disconnected, that she must also list personal care tasks or she will fail to dress, groom, and eat daily. In addition, she suffers the physical ailments of an aged person at a time in her life when she should be enjoying prime health.
Grief Brief 61
Disorganization of Thoughts
Due to a disorganization of thoughts during bereavement, tasks may take longer or be more difficult to complete.
Sometimes writing down the steps necessary before beginning a task helps one complete it more satisfactorily.
(Mourning Light, 2016)
Although a disorganization of thoughts is normal during grief, this client is suffering well beyond the scope of functionality. She has failed to grieve and recover from the deaths of her parents and has masked them with medication while under the care of her general practitioner. Adding the recent death she has suffered, she must enlist the aid of a qualified grief specialist if she intends to recover.
Grief creates such extreme stress on the body and soul that a survivor is not at all immune from death his/herself. My client must seek out qualified intervention or the next funeral within her family may very well be her own. If she follows this advice, her recovery will be long and difficult. If she does not, I fear her life will be painfully unbearable and gone before she knows it.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director at Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and certified grief counselor. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.