Eating My Own Words
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
Yesterday was Christmas, and I did something I almost never do; I left work early.
Our home is located within our funeral home. When I was a little girl, my grandparents had a country store; their home was at the back of their store. When I was a young woman, my parents home was a model home; my dad's offices were located within its walls. As an adult, I have owned three distinctively unique businesses. My offices have always been located within my home.
As I went to bed last night, I thought about the transformation my life would take over the next few days. The holidays will be over, my home and work will be barren of holiday décor, my youngest child (who is home temporarily recovering from an illness) will again leave home, and my life will return to long days filled with work.
I am a very dedicated worker. In fact, most who know me insist that I am a workaholic. I do not like that term. I had a family member once who was an alcoholic; his life was miserable. His only companion was alcohol. As I lay in bed last night, I thought about my life. I compared myself to my alcoholic relative and realized that I have indeed allowed my work to take my life over recently. I wondered why I had allowed this, and realized it is because I grieve the absence of my children. I decided as I lay there in my bed, that I wanted more in my life than my work for companionship. I, therefore, decided that this year, I will work less.
My usual workday consists of 18 hours. My usual workweek consists of 7 days. In review, I see that I have quite possibly confused dedication for obsession.
My funeral home is beginning its seventh year of operations. We have worked out all of the bugs, and it operates very efficiently and well. My overindulgence in work stems from the grief I suffer from having an empty home. Over the past two years, all of my children and grandchildren have moved a great distance from my residence. Without having my children or grandchildren home to distract me, I fear that if I do not actively manage my propensity to work, I may do nothing else. It is, therefore, necessary, in my opinion, to take immediate action. I must guard against my work obsession becoming an addiction. I have decided to cut back on my hours and spend a little time each day redirecting my focus.
GRIEF BRIEF 88
DISTRACTERS
Some mourners try to mask their grief with distracters.
Popular distracters include food, alcohol, drugs, excessive exercise, anger, isolation, sex, shopping, work, movies, books, and TV.
If you find that you are spending excessive hours in the aforementioned distracters, you might reevaluate your coping skills.
At some point, you need to realize that you are delaying your grief experience and that it may soon turn into complicated grief.
(Tracy Reneé Lee, Mourning Light I)
I hate it when I have to live by my own words.
Fortunately, I have not lost my children and grandchildren; they are all living. I have, however, begun acting as though I have lost them; I am grieving their absence from my home. To avoid the pain of not seeing them, I have allowed myself excessive indulgence in my work. Now, I must redirect myself back to a normal and healthier lifestyle.
GRIEF BRIEF 47
REBUILDING ONESELF
Recovering from grief often entails the rebuilding of oneself.
If one has been in a marriage for fifty years or so, their identity has generally morphed into that of a couple.
Being alone after such a long period of time may take quite an adjustment.
(Tracy Reneé Lee, Mourning Light I)
Again, my own words.
My husband and I have children ranging from 38 years old to 19 years old. I have been a mother for a long time. I have had a child in my home for a long time. I do not know how to be a mom without a child in my home. I do not know that I want to know how to do that, but, do it I must.
GRIEF BRIEF 38
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Family and friends can be a great resource for grief recovery.
Traveling to visit loved ones in other areas or having them visit the survivor, offers companionship that is familiar, uplifting and relative to their life’s experiences.
(Tracy Reneé Lee, Mourning Light I)
Yet again.
Fortunately, my husband is home with me. I will rely upon him to help me with this adjustment. I wish that I were able to travel to visit with my children and grandchildren, but as the owner and only licensed funeral director at my funeral home, traveling out of my area, is quite impossible. I shall just have to purchase airline tickets for my children to come home, rather than the other way around.
If you are suffering grief from the loss of a loved one, I realize my grief over my children and grandchildren moving away from home does not even begin to compare with your pain. It is, however, a stepping stone for me. It is a preparatory step in life that will help me learn to cope with the grief that will accompany the death of those I love who are nearing life’s end.
My heart is broken; yours may be too. For assistance with grief recovery, I offer free video Grief BRIEFs on my website at www.MourningCoffee.com. I also offer Grief BRIEFs in my books Mourning Light I & II. Please do not continue to suffer grief without help.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.