Funeral Director Fears For Her Life
jgreen • December 27, 2019
Today started out as many do for a funeral director working with broken families, sadly and tragically. Add to this scenario, the loss of a child, and you potentially have a volatile situation on your hands. When I decided to become a funeral director, I did not realize there might come a day I would fear for my life in my own residence, but today was that day. Who knew funeral directing could carry fatal risk? The point is that when life has been lost, emotions are severely heightened; hearts are filled with despair, and anger is uncontrollably prevalent.
It has been my experience, that feuding families strike out at each other and anyone else, who happens to be in their path. Old wounds are ripped asunder with new wounds, and at the time of loss it seems that the downward spiral of despair has the strength of a vortex. Today was not the first time I have been nervous about my safety. It was; however, the first day I feared mortal injury. A grieving giant stood before me, suffering inconsolable agony and mad as a bull over wording in his grandson’s obituary. He was truly frightening.
Misunderstandings and tense situations usually surface due to a lack of communication and information between estranged families. Add a death to this mix, and the possibilities are potentially explosive. When families are in the midst of losing a loved one, communicating with each other, or with the funeral home, is not the most important task of the day. Final farewells and precious moments are the critical objective, because, in an instant, they will no longer be possible. In a moment, they will slip away and despair will reside in their stead. Final farewells and precious moments are and should always be; the first and foremost focus of the surviving family, and every funeral director and person outside of the family should understand that.
This man, yesterday, suffered his longest and most dreaded nightmare. No measure of preparation could make that moment anything less that horrific. He had the core of his soul ripped from his aching arms, and there was not a thing he could do to stop it from happening. His heart will never be the same again, nor will his world. He will yearn forever the gentle touch of his grandson’s hand, the sweet fragrance of his hair and the precious kiss so gently placed on his angelic cheek. Eventually he will recover to some extent, but life will never be what it was.
Once he is calm and potentially years from now, he will realize that he has been blessed more than others, who have suffered the loss of a child. He does not understand it now, but his blessing was his advanced knowledge that his grandson would pass away from a rare and dreadful disease. Although it is unfair that a child should suffer such a disease and that a family must witness the ravages and loss of their child, he had forewarning that his grandson would prematurely slip from his loving grasp. And that is more than many parents are allotted. His advanced knowledge offered him time to show and express his devotion to his grandson, time to make memories fishing out at the pond and time to make moments count.
I would never want to change places with this grandfather. I am expecting a grandchild myself within the next few months, and I pray incessantly that he will arrive without incident, illness or disease. I cannot imagine the pain and anguish this heartbroken man, who lost his beloved grandson last night, along with all of their future experiences together, is suffering.
My prayers go out to this family. I hope that the pain they suffer will become happy memories of this beloved child, as soon as possible. Their support group is vast, but they have a rough and very sad road ahead of them. Every fiber in their bodies and deep down in their souls ache over this loss, and my soul aches for them.
Tonight friends and family will gather to offer condolences and words of comfort, and preachers will offer words of inspiration. No matter what is said or what is offered, the hearts of this family are so full of sorrow that there is no room for anything else; inspiration and comfort are not possible. There is nothing anyone can say or do, to make this family feel better about what has happened. There is no erasing this tragedy and the pain that comes with it. This family will trudge through despair, and hopefully after great suffering and misery, they will come to a place where they can function and live within this unfair and tragic experience.
I know that everyone coming tonight is searching today for words of comfort to share with this poor family. I am searching myself for some way to help them through this dreadful experience. My best advice would be to allow them to mourn and recover on their own schedule. Offer to be there and support them throughout the coming months which may turn into years, as they work their way from death, back to living. Never become impatient with their sorrow, never abandon them and always provide a path of gentle re-acclamation back to friendship and social acquaintance.
This sorrowful grandpa, so tall in stature and powerful in voice, has been crushed by the fate of death within his family. As we experience the services honoring his beloved grandson over the next few days, I hope that I will be able to protect him from unintended offenses from others and even myself. Nevertheless, if he is overcome with anger and frustration, who wouldn’t understand and give him a little latitude. I would rather be intimidated and frightened any day, than walk a mile in his heavy-laden and mournful shoes.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.