GOD BLESS AMERICA
Tracy Lee • November 16, 2020
I attended a Veterans Day event this past week. A woman spoke about her son’s military service, her pride in his sacrifices, her fears for his safety, and the sadness and insecurities brought on by the deaths of his fellow service members. She said that she attended the funerals, one by one, of his fallen buddies. As she stood at the cemetery of one of the services, she specifically told the honor guard that she never wanted one of those flags nor to hear the rifles fire in her son’s honor. To her good fortune, her son survived his service to our great nation. Several of his buddies, however, did not.
I was a military wife. Fortunately, my husband also survived his service to our great nation and is now retired. The stress of having a loved one in harm’s way is excruciating. I can’t imagine the sorrow one experiences at the loss of a service member on distant shores.
When my husband was serving in Desert Storm, I served his command as Ombudsman. One afternoon, I was in my kitchen cleaning up after my daughter’s snack when I heard a vehicle pull up in front of my home. I looked out of my kitchen window in time so see my husband’s Captain and CACO (Casualty Assistance Calls Officer) exiting their car. My knees instantly buckled and I literally fell to the floor. There would be no reason for the Captain and CACO to arrive at my home in an official military vehicle other than to notify me that my husband had been killed in action. In an instant, I knew that my life had changed.
They knocked on my door. I picked myself up off of my floor and with tears streaming down my cheeks, I answered the door. The Captain was very distraught to see me in such a state and asked if there was something wrong? Can you imagine? I was instantly confused. I thought to myself, “Really, you are here to inform me that my husband has been killed in theatre, and you’re asking if there is something wrong? What could be more wrong than that?” I was devastated.
My mind was racing chaotically about my new circumstances. I could not let myself think about my husband’s manner of death. I hoped he hadn’t suffered. I wondered if I would receive his body back for burial. How would I tell my daughter that her daddy was dead? There were so many horrifying details darting through my brain that I thought that I too would perish.
Suddenly the Captain’s countenance changed. He became very apologetic and sympathetic. He reached out to me and immediately informed me that my husband was fine. He said that he was near my home (on other business) and thought it would be a nice idea to drop by and take his Ombudsman out to lunch. He had not stopped to ponder the implications that his escorted arrival along with the CACO would indicate regarding the death of my husband. At that point, I was very happy that my husband was okay, but I was in no shape to go out for a lighthearted lunch; I declined the invitation.
My point is that military families live on the edge of disaster every single moment of their loved one’s career. It is a highly stressful and insecure existence. If you pile on top of that, the death of their service member (especially overseas) where a body may not be returned to them, you immeasurably increase prolonged devastation that will most likely lead to complicated grief recovery.
GRIEF BRIEF 192
Disbelief
Some survivors find it difficult to believe their loved one has died.
This is especially true when a decedent’s body is not recovered.
Military families often suffer disbelief.
This situation can cause extreme recovery difficulties for the survivors.
In such circumstances, professional counseling is advised. (Mourning Light II, 2016)
My Great Uncle, who served in the US Navy, was killed in action during the Pearl Harbor attack. He was a very young man and had not yet married. Therefore, upon his death, my great-grandmother was his immediate next of kin. Due to the savage attack on American soil by the Japanese, the bodies of many American service members were unrecoverable. My great-grandmother lived the rest of her days vacillating between uncontrolled sadness and haunting disbelief. Her husband, my great-grandfather, passed shortly thereafter. This loss, coupled with her disbelief of her son’s death, added additional grief to her complicated recovery scenario. Unfortunately, my great-grandmother was isolated in the backwoods of Louisiana, next to the Texas border. Back then, grief recovery assistance was not even a concept in her area of residence. My great-grandmother never left her home after that. She died in a tiny wood-framed house next to Black Bayou of devastating loss.
Although in today’s society, we have extensive assistance for those suffering the loss of loved ones, the fact remains that military families suffer additional hurdles associated with service member deaths. Not only are additional hurdles present at time of loss; they prevail daily. Danger lurks by virtue of the service member’s purpose. These facts weigh heavily upon military service members and their families.
Although the US government has designated multiple days of honor for military service members, there are two in particular that American’s observe. The first day of commemoration is Memorial Day. Memorial Day is a day set aside to honor and mourn military service members who have died while serving in the United States Armed Forces.
The second day of commemoration is Veterans Day, a day set aside to remember those who have served in the United States Armed Forces.
The story the woman told at the Veterans Day Commemoration event that I attended earlier this week, brought back many memories to my mind. Some of the memories were funny, some sad, and some full of thanksgiving. As we enter this season of thanksgiving, I pray that your families are well and experiencing lovely events and activities. However, as a retired military wife, I know that there are military families out there who have either lost their service member or are experiencing this holiday season without their service member home. Some may be in harm’s way on distant shores. Some may be in harm’s way stationed stateside.
No matter their location, service members suffer additional threats and dangers that the rest of the American population does not. Please remember them as we enter this holiday season, and please offer assistance to them even if you think they are doing fine. They are not fine. They are servants to our freedom; and they deserve our reverence, our respect, and our patriotism. I pray for our veterans, for their families, and for all Americans during these perilous times.
God Bless America! And, God Bless America’s Veterans.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.