Grief Recovery Milestones III - Surviving Weeks Four through Eight
Tracy Renee Lee • May 26, 2020
After living through funeral week and enduring the two weeks of company and well-wishers that follow, the survivor may think they are ready for a break from social supporters.
Unfortunately, the lack of social support makes weeks four through eight some of the toughest the survivor will experience.
These particular weeks are wrought with difficulties. Loneliness increases, irritation increases, pain increases, and just about everything else that is unwelcome increases. It is during these four weeks that the survivor must begin the decisive restructuring of his/her life.
The key step to recovery is to decide to recover. (Grief Brief 208, Mourning Light III, 2019) At this point, the survivor has no viable alternative other than to begin the battle of recovery. Should the survivor choose otherwise, the ensuing lack of forward movement will result in increased anguish and suffocating solitude. These results will lead the survivor toward a complicated grief experience.
Such results are not healthy nor desirable.
These next four weeks will propel the survivor into depths of anguish never before realized. This excruciating pain is what motivates us to reach toward recovery. Without it, we would sit mindlessly sad, sheltered in our homes cut off from all others, until one day that sadness would be our life’s end. How fortunate for us that the miracle of unbearable pain motivates us to change.
Before we realize it, we have begun overcoming our deficiencies. As we work through learning new skill sets, we realize that we are suddenly able to do more than we thought possible. Pain and dire circumstances are powerful motivators, they are not however, the answer to all of our woes. Although we may be able to do more for ourselves, we must psychologically accept and commit ourselves to consciously desiring and actively seeking recovery.
GRIEF BRIEF 306
Grief Recovery Milestones – Survive weeks four through eight
The beginning of week four usually marks the exodus of most well-wishers.
Fewer people call to check on the survivor and even fewer drop by.
Suddenly, that house full of people who may have begun grating on the survivor’s nerves may now be eerily quiet as one faces alone the reality of horrifying grief.
At this juncture, the survivor begins to understand the severity of his/her situation.
Some call this task Grief Work. I call it Self-Will Realignment.
Due to their discomfort, family and friends spend fewer minutes visiting with the survivor. They want the survivor to move on and get back to normal. They do not understand that this is not yet possible.
Against their will, the survivor is forced into an undesired reality. Forced change is difficult to swallow. Without the assistance of the one whom you love most in life and with whom you have established your existence, undesired change can be very elusive. Nevertheless, the fact remains that in order to progress, you must change not only your actions but your will as well.
During these four weeks of change, a survivor will begin experiencing irritations as he/she now must develop a new skill set that their loved one may have previously provided. This irritation easily slips into anger. Anger may be followed by guilt. Guilt compounds the difficulties of recovery.
Nevertheless, these four weeks heavy with sadness, loneliness, and fear, bring on the toughest month ever lived. They are the gateway to realizing and realigning one’s will for recovery. (Mourning Light III, 2019)
During these four weeks, survivors may resent those who stay away or avoid them. They may also resent those who come by and visit.
It is a time filled with discontent and confusion, and a multitude of conflicting emotions and thoughts. The survivor often vacillates between moving forward and falling backward. Although the survivor may not realize it, decisive action, companionship, and a good mental attitude are essential for their will to realign and move them along the path of a healthy recovery.
Grief Brief 83
Grief Recovery Success
Success in moving through grief depends on your willingness to recover.
If you are the type of person that enjoys or thrives on being a victim, you will most likely travel very slowly through recovery.
You must decide that you want to recover, that you are willing to move your loved one into a memory, and that you are going to overcome your heartache.
Without these decisions, you will remain trapped within your recurring grief cycle indefinitely. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
I suggest exploring your options. Check out support groups, find a grief buddy (a friend, acquaintance, or family member who has experienced and recovered from loss, and who is willing to guide you through positive recovery), or if you prefer a more quiet approach, visit with a grief specialist. Allowing yourself to remain trapped in your grief cycle will land you in an undesirable, unhealthy, complicated grief scenario.
Trapping oneself in such a scenario renders recovery unobtainable without professional assistance.
This is a very unhappy and uncomfortable place to find yourself. A much more preferable scenario is to take the bull by the horns from the get-go, decide to be proactive rather than reactive, and move yourself forward to recovery.
Professional assistance is always an option, however, the fact remains, that success through grief’s treacheries depends on your decision to recover.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.