Helping Children Grieve II
Tracy Renee Lee • May 26, 2020
When a death occurs, curious children are naturally curious. At the onset, they want information. The information delivered to them must be truthful and delivered on each child’s level of understanding. In order for children to feel safe during a time of loss, we must give them the information they seek.
FOUR GRIEF REVORY TASKS FOR CHILDREN
TASK ONE: CHILDREN MUST Understand THE DEFINITION OF DEATH
Without an understanding of the definition of death, a child will not be able to decipher what has happened to their loved one. Without this knowledge, the child will remain confused and in a continual state of fear, confusion, and agitation. The child will want to know what has happened to their loved one, how the death happened, and why it happened.
Adults should use correct language surrounding death. For example, one should say death rather than loss or sleeping. Although it may seem kinder to use softer words, these words do not encourage understanding. Telling a child that a loved one has been lost might confuse the child and cause him/her to search for the loved one. Telling a child that a loved one is sleeping or resting, might cause him/her to try to wake the decedent up. Elusive terms might make this conversation easier on the adult, however, it will cause great confusion for the child.
Children use magical thinking to rationalize death. Their reasoning to justify or make sense of the death is often unrealistic. A child might hear a derogatory comment about the medical staff at the hospital where their loved one died, and from that time forward, be terrified that getting a shot might kill them. Adults must be aware of the effects brought on by their comments surrounding death in front of children.
TASK TWO: CHILDREN MUST GRIEVE OR EXPERIENCE THE PAIN OF LOSS
A child’s level of suffering is dependent upon their level of attachment to the decedent. The suddenness or anticipatory nature of the death, as well as the child’s developmental stage will affect their grief recovery needs. Children will grieve and re-grieve their loss as they grow and more fully understand death and its consequences. Although adults should not hide their grief experience from children, they should be aware that children are not psychologically mature and that intense grief can frighten and damage children. Adults need to be responsible stewards of children witnessing death and experiencing grief.
TASK THREE: CHILDREN MUST BE ALLOWED TO COMMEMORATE THEIR LOVED ONE
Commemorating a loved one helps children process the reality of death. It is a vehicle for expressing, understanding, and working through the experience of loss, and moves a child in a more healthy grief recovery scenario. It assists the child in remembering their loved one and valuing their shared experiences. It presents the reality that death has occurred and facilitates the movement toward memorialization.
Although a child should never be coerced to attend final services, should they express a desire to attend, a parent or trusted adult should explain the rituals associated with burying or cremating a decedent. Explanations should be kept short and age-appropriate. Adults should be aware of their own beliefs regarding the physical and spiritual consequences of death before engaging in the narrative. Children should be allowed to ask any questions they have, to comfort them and calm their fears, with the expectation of honest and sincere answers.
Establishing new traditions or embracing existing ones is a good method for moving children toward recovery.
TASK FOUR: GRIEF RECOVERY
Recovery involves the transformation of excruciating pain into loving and treasured memories. The depth of a child’s relationship with the decedent will determine the length of his/her adjustment. Children who do not receive grief recovery assistance rarely resolve their grief. In such scenarios, children with unresolved grief, as well as those asked not to express their grief, generally suffer persistent nightmares, sleeping and eating disorders, a decline in school performance, depression, suicidal tendencies, physical ailments, and emotional and psychological disorders throughout the remainder of their lives. These consequences are dangerous, debilitating, and life-threatening.
No one considers these consequences for children as acceptable, however, in the case of significant loss, a parent often finds him or herself in a state of emotional distress. Such distress often renders a surviving parent incapable of delivering the level of care needed by their child. Therefore, as a grief counselor, I suggest that a carefully vetted and deeply trusted friend, relative, clergy person, or certified grief counselor be enlisted to help grief-stricken children in their recovery experience. I do not suggest that you turn your children over to someone without monitoring and actively engaging in their recovery process; however, until you are able to regain your emotional strength, an assistant is a blessing for both you and your child. I call this trusted person a “Grief Caregiver.”
GRIEF CAREGIVERS FOR CHILDREN
A Grief Caregiver should have a clear understanding of their role and responsibilities regarding their relationship and duties toward your child. They need to understand your beliefs and boundaries and respect them at all times. Your child’s safety; physically, emotionally, and psychologically should always be paramount. The person accepting this responsibility should observe the following three goals.
THREE FUNCTIONS OF GRIEF CAREGIVERS FOR CHILDREN
Foster a safe, open, and honest relationship with the child.
Provide a safe and secure space in which the child can explore and understand death and grief recovery.
Explain and display appropriate methods for healthy grief recovery.
Grief for children is a serious experience with serious consequences. Without proper recovery assistance, your child may suffer grief-related ailments for the remainder of his/her life.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.