Hidden Shame
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
Have you ever witnessed something so shameful that the moment you became aware of it, you were instantly ill? So unbelievable that the shock wave of awareness incapacitated your ability to function and for a moment, you stood frozen, as you were, in time? So startling that your brain had to struggle through a fog of confusion and disbelief to regain comprehension and use of your vocabulary? I have had this experience. I experienced it June 5, 2017, at 10:12 AM.
My husband is a Retired United States Navy Veteran. He served his country with honor for twenty years. My children and I are very proud of his service, of his honor, of his loyalty. His medals, ribbons, and special letters of commendation are proudly displayed on the walls in our home.
As a United States Veteran, funeral home owners, and a funeral director, my husband and I are always very honored when we have the privilege of burying one of our nation’s veterans. We extend special care to these dependent families as we understand, appreciate, and relate to the sacrifices they have endured throughout their service member’s careers. We too have endured the extended separations, poverty, displacements, discriminations, stresses, wars, illnesses, etc. that service members and dependents suffer throughout their tours of duty, and we have always been honored to bear them proudly.
Recently, I became aware of a shameful act perpetrated against certain veterans that is so disconcerting that it has caused me great distress. I immediately notified the VA in Washington DC, and together we began working to reverse this dishonor. Both the VA and I thought that this issue was an isolated event, however, this past weekend has proven that this is not so. At this time, I do not know how far reaching this shameful issue impacts our nation. I do know, however, that something must be done to rectify it, something must be done to discover how far reaching it is, and something must be done to stop it ever happening again.
A few months ago, I buried a brother and sister who had died within a few days of each other. Their family wanted to bury them side by side in a municipal cemetery. The brother was buried first and upon probing to bury the sister next to him, we found that the neighboring grave was occupied. We buried his sister one grave over, and upon investigation discovered the grave between them was their uncle, a World War II Veteran, who had been buried seventeen years earlier. Surprisingly, their uncle’s grave was unmarked and until that moment, lost.
The family was concerned and wondered why their uncle’s grave was unmarked. “Where could his government issued monument be?” they asked me. I advised them to seek out the original funeral home of service in finding the answers to their questions. They did, and to everyone’s surprise, and horror, the missing veteran monument was found.
The niece acting on behalf of this family is a retired US Navy Sr. Chief. When she called and notified me that the veteran marker had been located, I was unable to speak. The original funeral home owner had thrown the monument behind his funeral home, into a pile of ten discarded veteran monuments. As a funeral director and dependent wife of a retired service member, my thoughts raced to the other families whose veteran’s monuments lay shamefully discarded and dishonored behind this man’s funeral home. I thought of the pain I would feel if my husband lay in an unmarked grave for seventeen years while his marker was uncaringly discarded in a pile with nine others. I thought of the anguish my children would suffer if their father were to suffer such disregard for the honorable, heart wrenching and often terrifying sacrifices he, and they, had endured during his career and service to our great and mighty nation.
I felt as though my breath had been snatch from my chest. I could neither see nor hear anything around me. I suddenly realized I needed to draw a breath and sit down before I fell down. My knees trembled as I nearly dropped the phone from my weakening grasp. I heard my client on the other end of the phone line asking if I were still there, and I barely choked out a reply as I struggled to control a swell of emotional tears spilling down my cheeks.
It is important to note that the funeral home owner has not broken any laws regarding placement of these monuments. The VA issues veteran’s monuments when a qualified veteran dies. Monuments are shipped via common carrier. Common carriers will only deliver to bonafide businesses. The funeral home received the monuments on behalf of the service member’s family; however, it is not his responsibility to set the monument. That responsibility falls upon the service member’s family. My client’s family was unaware for seventeen years that their deceased veteran was in an unmarked grave. The next of kin who would have noticed such an obvious oversight lives in a nursing home three hours away from her husband’s grave. I doubt very seriously that a phone message from a funeral director three hours from her, about a headstone being delivered to his funeral home, was ever delivered to her as she lay in her hospital bed seventeen years ago. Even if it were, who can say that it made any sense at all to her, or that she would have had the means to do anything about it?
Unfortunately, this weekend, widened the wound. The VA was in need of photographs of the discarded veteran monuments for proper analysis, so I asked a local veteran to go over and snap the requested photos. While he was getting the shots, the funeral home owner mentioned that he knew of a funeral home “just up the road” that had a cache of veteran monuments behind his business as well. As my workday ended, my husband and I drove our vehicle “just up the road” (and across the state line) to confirm the claims of additional discarded veteran monuments. As we approached the second funeral home, my heart sank. From a block away, I recognized the majestic white marble monuments leaning against the walls of the building and laying on the ground. To our dismay, twenty-one additional veteran monuments were haphazardly strewn around the second funeral home’s property in blatant disrespect to our nation’s veterans, bringing the total to thirty-one monuments between the two funeral homes, with close proximity to each other.
The VA has worked diligently to rectify this travesty. We do not know, however, how many honorable veterans lay underground in unmarked American soil. We do not know how many graves have been lost due to the shameful disregard of funeral directors who do not respect the sacrifices of our brave and fearless American veterans.
The question is, will we allow this to continue? Will we allow honorable American veteran’s graves to be lost because their family members were either not notified or informed that their stones needed to be set, or that they were too old or too ill to accomplish the setting, or that on a veteran’s retirement income fall far short of accomplishing the expense of this final act of respect? Will we allow honorable veteran’s graves to remain unmarked and lost forever on American soil?
I’ve been told the VA has never encountered this problem before. There are no VA funds available for the setting of veteran’s monuments. This responsibility falls squarely upon the shoulders of the veteran’s family. Should the setting of a veteran’s monument be established through the VA when the memorial stone is issued? I believe it should. I believe that the willingness of a veteran to die on behalf of the American people earns him or her the right to have a monument set upon his or her grave at passing. I believe that is a small recognition for the sacrifices and sufferings they willingly endured on behalf of each and every American citizen. I believe they deserve that, and I believe their families deserve that. There is a funeral honors detail provided for every veteran’s funeral, they present the flag, why can’t they set the stone? If that is not possible, why can’t there be a voucher sent out with every stone that stone setters can send in for payment? If that’s a no go, what about small business government contractors?
America has a problem. Many of our veterans are homeless (how does that happen) and have no one to set their stones. American veterans registered in VA care programs commit suicide at an astounding number daily. Adding veterans waiting for VA care, that number rises from 22 to 35 daily (http://www.whiteoutpress.com/articles/2015/q2/22-veteran-suicides-day-actually-35-day/). America’s problem is that we do not take care of our veterans. We do not even place their monuments upon their graves on our own soil when they die. This shame can remain hidden no longer. Join me, a retired United States Veteran’s proud dependent wife and help me stop this hidden shame.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.