High Wires and Safety Nets
Tracy Lee • March 26, 2020
I am an experienced funeral director. I study grief, its causes, its effects, methods of healing, and various aspects continually. I do this to help me become a better funeral director, to help me better understand the needs of my clients, and to help me provide for their needs. This weekend, without studying about grief, I learned something I did not know before. I did not find it in any books, nor on a website - I discovered it on social media - Facebook.
This weekend was Father’s Day. As I sat on our reclining love seat with my husband last night, I quickly breezed through the posts of the day on my newsfeed. There were numerous poems about dads, snapshots with dads, and exclamations of love for dads. There were also posts about missing one’s dad; one’s deceased dad.
As I read the “In Loving Memory” posts about deceased dads, I came across one that affected my personal life. To my surprise, this particular post enlightened my understanding of grief.
Last year, my family suffered the loss of an amazing cousin. Although he was an older gentleman and showing a few signs of physical weakness, his death came as somewhat of a surprise. He had not been terribly weak or ill, so his death was not on our family’s immediate radar for possible losses. To my, and many others dismay, his adult children opted very quickly to bury him without services. Even though he was their dad and they had each had a moment to say goodbye, their father had affected many lives and many people were saddened by his swift death. He died at a hospital out of town, so many who loved him were unable to say goodbye as they would have wished. As friends and family were calling me to inquire about services, my cousin was already buried and gone from those who deeply loved him. As I delivered the news of his swift burial, many would exclaim dismay over losing their final moments with him. The only excuse I had to offer was that his children had felt that as they had had their final farewell, nothing further was necessary.
As a trained professional, I understood it was their way of regaining control of a confusing and out of control situation. It was also their mechanism for saving scarce resources. I also assumed that there would come a day where they would realize such actions potentially carry severe penalties.
As a family member, losing my opportunity to say farewell to a loved one was deeply distressing. My personal needs and emotional reactions conflicted with my professional code of conduct. I, as those who called me, wanted to strike out at my cousins for denying me the emotional clearing of seeing my loved one and being able to say goodbye before he was buried beneath the surface of the earth, and out of my reach. It was difficult to hold my resentment in check. I was called upon by the circle of extended survivors (of whom I was included) to help them understand and recover from this loss.
As the days progressed, I found that I was able to deal with the loss as a non-loss. It was a surreal experience because although I knew my cousin had died, I was not included in the experience of his loss, and thus, it became a non-loss. My experience continues as though my cousin remains alive, just not present. After the initial shock of his passing dissipated, the aftereffect of grief never materialized for me.
As I was reading the messages the weekend on social media from survivors of fathers who had past, I happened upon a message from one of my cousins. Her expressions were heart wrenching; she genuinely grieves for her father. To my surprise, reading her message did not yank heartache into my soul. I thought about this for a moment and realized it is because I do not mourn her father’s death. To me, it does not seem that he is dead. It is rather more that he is just not at church on Sunday, or at the market when I shop. I felt guilty over not feeling sad, so I went back to her message to offer support. What I found surprised me. No one had commented on her post; not one cousin, not one friend. I realized then that the consequences of discrediting services and other’s feelings were potentially severe. My cousins are in the process of grieving their father’s death, yet they have no support structure from extended family. No one - neither family nor friend – has experienced the reality that their father is dead. The absence of services created a void for others initially, but without witnessing or experiencing the loss, all moved on. Now my cousins must face the reality of grief all on their own. My cousin’s message eluded to this fact.
This weekend, without studying about grief, I learned something I did not know before.
It is true the traditions of death – funerals, burials, and memorials - are for the living, they are the events that set up the realization that death has occurred, and they move us from denial into acceptance. What I had not before realized is that services at the time of death function like a Petri dish in a science lab. They provide a space and the organized growth of your friends and family into a survivors safety structure. They proliferate a safety net similar to one beneath a high wire act to catch you when you have days of weakness and fall into despair. Without death rituals and traditions, the reality of death is not realized by those who are not intimately affected by the absence of the deceased. This lack of realization by extended family and friends leaves immediate survivors vulnerable and alone during grief recovery.
Death is a serious event in a loved one’s life. It changes the reality into which we were born, not waiting for our approval, nor lending time to acclimate to its consequences prior to actuality. I pray that my cousins will find their road to recovery without plummeting toward a safety net that has failed to materialize.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.