How to Express Sympathy
Tracy Lee • May 15, 2020
I think the most glorious thing thus far in my life has been the birth of my grandchildren. It seems that each birth brings even greater wonder and joy as tiny new lives join our family. I have analyzed over and over in my mind why this is so, and I have decided that it is the miracle of increased love. Thankfully, neither my daughters nor I have suffered the tragedy of miscarriage. I cannot imagine what sadness would envelop our hearts with such a profound loss.
One of my daughters telephoned me the other day and asked how she might help a friend of hers. Not long ago, my daughter’s friend miscarried her baby. Naturally, her friend is experiencing associated grief and motherly anguish. As the daughter of a Funeral Director and Grief Counselor, my daughter understands quite well the trials her friend will experience. What she did not understand was how to protect her friend from well-intentioned ignorant people.
Because social illiteracy is rampant in death’s theatre, well-intentioned individuals often offer poor advice or utter words that increase suffering rather than comfort the bereaved. Obviously, no one wants to increase a survivor’s anguish, therefore, it benefits everyone to demystify proper sympathy expressions. Unfortunately, one does not generally realize they are committing a faux pas until it is too late. It is for these reasons that I offer this list of “Not the Best Things to Say to Survivors vs. Better Expressions of Sympathy.” I am also adding a short list of Kind and Thoughtful Gestures, for good measure. It is my hope that condolers, especially those surrounding my daughter’s recently bereaved friend, will be able to apply these lists to be able to more comfortably, and better express, their sympathies in the future.
NOT THE BEST THINGS TO SAY TO SURVIVORS
Get over it.
It’s time to move on.
It’s been long enough.
He/she wouldn’t want you to cry.
Why are you still crying over this?
You need to get rid of his or her things.
You need to put this behind you.
It just wasn’t meant to be.
You must be strong.
You are still young, you can always remarry.
Heaven needed another angel.
God needed (or wanted) him/her more than you did.
God never gives you more than you can handle.
Everything happens for a reason.
It’s in God’s hands.
I thought you’d be more upset.
At least you never knew the baby.
Time heals all wounds, or, it gets better over time.
He/She is in a better place.
At least he/she isn’t suffering any longer.
You still have the other twin.
It will be okay.
I know how you feel.
You do have other children.
This too shall pass.
The above statements are not helpful as they are judgmental and belittle the gravity of the survivor’s pain. They also demonstrate a complete lack of understanding and/or caring.
BETTER EXPRESSIONS OF SYMPATHY
I don’t know how you feel, but I love and care for you, and I am here to help you in any way that I can.
I am sorry for your loss. (Rather impersonal, but when you are near tears yourself, sometimes, it’s all you can utter.)
I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry (insert the decedent’s name) is gone. He/She was a good neighbor, great friend, valued employee, trusted co-worker (insert the appropriate title or description). I will miss him/her.
I wish I had the right words. Just know that I care.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. or I’m sorry this has happened.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
These responses are better because they do not tell the mourner how to feel or act. They simply recognize their loss and state that you care.
KIND AND THOUGHTFUL GESTURES
Would it be okay for me to bring dinner over next Friday?
You know, we box at the same post office. Would it be okay if I brought your mail to you for the next two weeks?
I am looking for a project to teach my grandson the value of service.
Would you mind terribly if he and I mow and weed your lawn for the next 2 months?
Or in colder climates…
Would you mind terribly if he and I shovel your snow this winter?
I’m taking my car in for an oil change next Wednesday, I’m wondering if I might take yours as well?
Would it be okay for me to call you occasionally, just to chat, or maybe we could go out for coffee?
I heard you are going to take two weeks and visit your daughter in Kentucky. I’d be happy to watch your home while you’re gone.
These gestures are wonderful because they offer assistance to the bereaved when they are in a state of confusion and in great need of assistance. They also do not judge or insinuate incompetence.
To condole is to express your genuine feelings of sorrow to the bereaved. Your goal is to comfort and give useful assistance to them; not advice. Educating yourself on the differences will assist you in retaining your dignity, as well as your welcome within your social circle. Survivors should never suffer additional pain from a comment offered out of love, concern, and sympathy. Sympathy expressions dance across a delicate floor of painful emotions and insecurity for both the sender and receiver. I hope these lists offer you the clarity you seek so that the next time you express sympathy, you may do so with confidence that your message has been received as it was meant.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director of Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City, Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and Certified Grief Counselor. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and grief briefs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.