I am a Funeral Director
Tracy Lee • March 24, 2020
Original publish date: June 8, 2015
When I was 39, my grandmother who lived in the Southern United States, came to Southern California for a visit. At that time, she was in her nineties, and I lived there, with my family, as my husband was an active military service member. During her visit she died. Her wishes were, of course, to be buried in the Southern United States, where she had lived her entire life.
It just so happened that my husband had recently retired from the military and we were relocating to a flyover state the following morning. The dilemma was, how to get my grandmother home for burial and how to move my family, along with our business 1,800 miles, in a different direction, on the same day. The stress was unbearable.
With the help of very dear friends, a large moving van was packed with our business assets, and household belongings; my vehicle was trailered behind it, for towing. Tired and mourning the loss of my beloved grandmother, I called a taxi and went to the funeral home to prepare my grandmother for her trip home, and to say goodbye.
I was very apprehensive as I had never before touched a dead person. I loved my grandmother so deeply, however, that I had committed to not only touching her, but dressing, cosmetizing and casketing her. It would be the last thing I would ever do for my grandmother, and I was determined to do it. She had done so much for me throughout my life and I knew that had the tables been turned, she would be there dressing me, protecting my modesty and preparing me for my final resting place on earth. I was tired and nervous, but I knew I would do it no matter how difficult it might be.
To my surprise, dressing, cosmetizing and casketing my grandmother was an amazingly spiritually rewarding experience. All of the love I had for her was magnified during the event. I believe, had I not had those final moments to serve my grandmother, my grief recovery would have been much more difficult, especially considering the immense stress under which I was functioning. When I arrived home that evening, I was at peace. My heart was full of love, and my soul was calm and ready to recover from the loss of a woman who had meant so much to me during her life.
The following morning, I loaded my children, our dog and our cat into the moving van, and moved our entire household, along with our business, 1,800 miles to the state where my husband was waiting for us. He had preceded us in order to prepare our new home for our family. Upon arrival, my dog of 12 years died. The trip and change of climate was just too much for him. It was then that I announced to my husband, that I wanted to become a funeral director.
At the time, I had no idea the changes and hardships this decision would make in our lives. We had just arrived at our new home, and now we would have to uproot, travel and move in order raise the money to pay for, and attain, the required degree. Upon graduation, we would have to decide where to open our funeral home, and where to make our new home. My family would become nomads for over ten years and would travel, back and forth, over 16 states. The sacrifice was enormous.
Unfortunately, upon graduation, the banking crisis was in full bloom in our country’s economy, and so new start-up funding was frozen. My husband and my brother were hosting an early morning radio show, and they received an announcement that a neighboring town was offering bridge money for businesses willing to locate within their city limits. After their program had ended, we drove over to the town to attend their new main street ribbon cutting ceremony, and I asked a city council member about the available funds. She told me to come to their Economic Development Council (EDC) meeting that evening and present my business proposal. Fortunately, I had worked with the Small Business Administration (SBA) for the previous five years, so my business plan was prepared.
My husband and I attended the EDC meeting that evening and the city offered us a bridge loan. This loan and collateralizing my family’s trust fund, our primary business, and our assets were enough security to qualify for a business loan, from the local bank. After ten years, our dream was finally becoming a reality. After ten years of forced full-time R.V.'ing, working on the road, and being separated from each other most of the time; I thought our family would finally get a break and settle into a life of comfort and security again. Wow, I misjudged our future by a long shot.
At this juncture in life, I was an experienced businesswoman. I held one of the largest contracts with the world’s largest retailer and had consistently placed as one of their finest 25 partner stores within a store program. I was proficient in negotiating, operating, supplying, scheduling and managing multiple teams within my business. This experience along with my collateral is what, I am sure, offered the bank enough confidence in me to lend their funds to my endeavor. Had I known the obstacles this venture would bring to my door, I don’t know that I would have been brave enough to pursue it, but pursue it with vigor is what my husband, my daughters, my grandchildren, my siblings, my parents and I did. It is what we continue to do every single day, and it is what we will continue to do for the rest of our lives. We have invested too much blood, sweat and tears to give it up. We are committed to its success.
We are now working our fifth year in the funeral business. During the past 15 years of this journey, we have endured many hardships. Our home, in the flyover state, was vandalized numerous times. Our front door was stolen during the middle of winter, and our house was filled with snow, wild animals, and vagrants. We repaired our home and at our full expense, housed two homeless families for twelve years. Our home was robbed, and all of our belongings and memories were stolen from us. My children’s baby pictures, their christening dresses and first locks of hair were stolen. My husband’s military uniforms, medals, and commendations were stolen. My great grandmother’s heirloom lamp, my stamp collection, our clothes, antique furniture, musical instruments and many other things were stolen from us during our absence. Things we will never recover, things we will regret no longer having. We have endured life-changing illness and debilitating injuries from being without available healthcare.
In the community where we live, we were denied advertising for our new business, we were denied police recognition and escorts for our clients, and because it is a small town, we have been looked upon as outsiders even though it is the area of my ancestry, my birth, and my childhood.
Our lives here have been difficult, yet richly rewarding. We have made new and wonderful friends. We have helped many people through the worst experience life has to offer. We have grown spiritually, and we have developed new skills. We have been blessed with new grandchildren. Now that we are stationary, we have taken the opportunity to address our health needs. Structure has re-infused itself into our lifestyle, and our reputation for kind and caring business owners is growing.
This past week, we finally had each of our daughters and our grandchildren home for the week. We have not enjoyed that blessing for nearly 15 years. As I sit and reflect back upon this journey, I realize it has been a monumental endeavor. Had I known the hardships it would impose upon us, I am sure I would have thought more deeply about it before embarking upon it, however, in the end, I feel certain, I would have followed my heart.
I am blessed with a husband, parents, children and grandchildren who love me and believe in my dream. What more could a wife, a daughter, a mother and a grandmother ask for?
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a funeral director, author and professional speaker. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.