Lost Graves
Tracy Lee • March 26, 2020
Several years ago, I buried a beautiful pre-term baby boy. He was the first child in his family and his young parents were devastated. This past week was early voting in our county, and my husband and I, fulfilling our civic duty, went to cast our votes. One of the election judges recognized my name and asked if I were the funeral director at Queen City Funeral Home. I answered, “Yes,” and she enquired about the beautiful pre-term baby boy I had buried several years ago.
My heart was deeply touched that she remembered this small baby. In conversation, she informed me that she and her husband were the cemetarians where we had buried the baby. In fact, she and her husband paid for the casket and sent flowers to the baby’s service. I remember that check and those flowers. I remember that these kind people were heartbroken for this young mother and father and that out of kindness and sympathy, they sent a check on the baby’s behalf.
My funeral home provides our basic services for natural pre-term and infant losses at no charge. The funeral home, however, incurs debts on behalf of the decedent, and those debts require payment. These debts, however, are passed along at a wholesale rate. The funeral home does not realize a profit in any way upon the death of an infant.
The cemetarian informed me that the baby's grave remains unmarked. She is concerned that the grave will, in decades to follow, be lost. As new cemetarians replace those before them, the baby's grave may fall off the plot records and someone else may be buried in that same grave. It is a valid concern. The young mother and father were unable to afford a marker for their baby’s grave. The cemetery is not obligated to supply one, nor is the funeral home. A marker is the responsibility of the decedent’s family.
My daughter is a genealogist. She searches our family history continually. Before she could drive, I would take her far and wide to search cemeteries for headstones of past generations within our family tree. Finding a headstone for her is like winning the lottery. She values them as one would great finds of treasure. One day we traveled to another state to locate graves from the pre-civil war period. After deciphering a notebook of clues and a maze of curvy backwoods roads, we finally found the old country cemetery for which we searched. Upon arrival, we discovered there were no headstones marking the graves of our kindred dead. We contacted the cemetery to identify which graves belonged to us, but the records had not been adequately preserved. My daughter was disappointed, years of research and mounds of paper records, at that moment seemed useless. Her heart was crushed. At that moment, the importance of a stone marker became keenly evident.
What then does one do for an unmarked grave? In the case of this young family, the death of their baby was completely unexpected. They did not have a lifetime to save and purchase end of life expenses for their child. In fact, most parents, do not purchase end of life expenses for their children. Most often, we see the opposite. If parents have not provided for their end of life expenses; upon death, their children are called upon to provide them. In such a situation, children are usually aware that their parents have not provided for themselves, and each child will take a proportionate share of the costs.
The fact remains, however, that a monument upon a grave is not a necessity, we, therefore, see a large number of graves remain unmarked. After a generation or so, these graves become forgotten and lost. In my daughter’s experience, her search for graves more than a century old ended in disappointment.
As an experienced funeral director, I have seen many creative markers in cemeteries. Not all cemeteries allow creative markers, however, some (especially country and family cemeteries) do. I have seen upright markers made of concrete, as well as, very thick glass and natural stones etched with pertinent information. I have seen flat markers made of concrete with seashells or small pebbles spelling out the name and dates relevant to the decedent. Creative markers made of ceramic tiles and other semi-permanent materials have also served families well. The point is that a permanent marker may not be within your budget at the time of death, however, when funds permit, a creative marker having accomplished its mission and usefulness, may be replaced with something more permanent.
I thanked the cemetarian for her kindness in furnishing the casket funds for the young family upon the loss of their baby and committed to replacing a temporary marker for another few years. I hope within that time; the family will find themselves in a better financial position where they are able to afford a permanent marker for their lost son. Also, if your family has unmarked graves, I hope this information will encourage you to consider placing a creative marker until funds are more readily available for a permanent one.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.