MIKEY JOE 23 - ANOTHER CHILD LOST
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • June 6, 2020
As many readers may know, I lost my grandson two years ago during his birth. It was a tragedy for our family; one that lingers with us still today. The loss of a child is life’s most painful blow.
Three days ago, I received a call from my youngest sister. I could tell the moment she said hello that something was wrong. As she is the primary care provider for my mother and aunt, I thought there must surely be something terribly wrong with one of them. I felt it must certainly be my mother as she is the eldest of the two, and suffers the worst health between them. I was wrong. My mother and my aunt are fine. My nephew and his wife, however, are expecting. Unfortunately, they have received news that their wee babe is not doing so well.
My nephew and his wife had received news earlier that morning that their baby’s pregnancy was in distress. In fact, there are problems that indicate that the baby will not live for very much longer. My sister had called me to ask certain questions in preparation for their impending doom. I answered her questions, giving her the information she needed to begin preparations for what will be her biggest challenge in life, the unexpected loss of her expected grandchild.
This morning I have received an update on the situation. My nephew sits for his (Medical College Admission Test (MCAT) today, and overnight, his child’s survival forecast has declined. My poor nephew must travel to a testing center and sit for his entrance exams while his child’s life quietly slips beyond his reach. Could the two be more ill-timed?
My sister reaches out this morning begging for prayers on behalf of her son and grandchild’s future. What do you offer as comfort to someone in such a heartbreaking moment? She comes to me seeking advice and solace on several planes. I am her eldest sister whose mother is unable to fulfill her role. I am the funeral director for her yet to be born grandchild. I am her son’s aunt who has experienced the excruciating fear of trying to assist my child through such a tragic loss just two years ago. And, I am a surviving grandmother who battles the pain and anguish of having lost her precious grandchild. There are so many things that I unwillingly experienced upon which she likewise must now embark. She must reach within herself and find the strength to carry her son, her daughter-in-law, and her husband through this most profoundly painful loss of all, the loss of a child.
My experience of losing my grandson expanded my understanding of pain and obligation to others. It hurt me more than any other loss or betrayal I have ever experienced. It fortified my soul and my faith, and for that, I am grateful as there are so many who lose their faith upon such catastrophic loss. Today, I must muster my strength, my experiences, and my soul to help my youngest sister survive the loss of that which threatens to crush her soul into the depths of despair. The pain of her son’s pain will be unbearable, the pain of losing her grandchild will test her strength beyond what she has heretofore known. She cannot possibly understand the extent of hopelessness that will bear down upon her as her grandchild’s life slips away before her very eyes. There is no person alive who can lift this trial from her heart save it be Christ, our Savior. She, like I, will have to relinquish her soul to her Savior and trust that eventually she will heal and that life will again be worth living. That is what the death of a child takes from you. It takes the value of your soul out of your heart. It takes all that you have known up to this point in life and brings it all into question. You doubt not only everything and everyone, but you doubt yourself, and you doubt your faith. It is crushing. It mangles you into worthlessness and spews you out to build yourself all over again. Even while you must live up to your responsibilities, you are dead inside and unable to function except by habit and obligation. It is the worst experience of my life. I cannot imagine how crushing it has been to my daughter; and now my sister and nephew join us in this most undesirable set of survivorship.
My words to my sister this morning are these.
Dearest Sister,
I love you dearly. I am sorry that you must go through this. I have faith that my nephew will be able to temporarily set his burdens aside and recall with pinpoint accuracy, the things he has learned for testing today. He has sacrificed and served the Lord; because of his service and love for others, the Lord will send angels to help him through this.
If there is one thing that I know beyond any doubt, it is that Heavenly Father knows the pain of losing a child and that he sends special angels to walk us through the trials accompanying such tragedy. My nephew will have those companions beside him today. Fortunately, they will remain by his side, and yours, for as long as required.
In the funeral business, we say grieving parents are unwillingly inducted into a club that no one wants to join. The only blessing that comes from being in that club, dearest sister, is that Heavenly Father is in it too. Because of that, His comforts are your companions, and He will walk with you as you struggle to overcome the devastations wrought this day in your soul.
You are in my prayers today as you are every day.
Deepest love and heartfelt sympathy.
Your Devoted Sister, Tracy”
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
For additional encouragement, read other articles or watch video “Grief Briefs,” please go to my website at https://www.queencityfuneralhome.com/pushing-up-daisies-blog.
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The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.