Mikey Joe XIV - Perspective, Tolerance, and Opinion
Tracy Lee • May 26, 2020
Loss changes your perspective, tolerance, and opinions on many things. In short, it changes your life because it changes you.
By far, the worst loss is the loss of your child. This loss is so debilitating that parents may never overcome the anguish thrust upon them. It may even be that grandparents are unable to recover from this loss. The loss of a child is beyond heartbreaking; it is soul breaking. It is unnatural, out of order, and the most challenging loss from which to recover.
Death from brutality is painfully close to the loss of a child. It is death that is uncalled for, unfair, and impossible to understand. A person who brutally takes the life of another should be taken from society. Should you suffer the double hit of brutal loss upon your child, your grief may rob you of your will to live, as well as, your ability to function at your standard capacity.
On the other hand, these types of loss may keenly fine-tune your intolerance for all things mediocre, shallow, or superficial. These types of loss, after the initial onslaught of grief, confusion, and anger can acutely focus and prioritize matters of significance from the inconsequential in nanoseconds.
The loss of any significant loved one changes the world within which we function. As a survivor, you must adjust and bear the consequences of life without your loved one near you. Their influence, love, and contributions to your life are gone, and you no longer enjoy the convenience of contact, or reliance, with them. You may now need to develop new talents, skills, friendships, and abilities. These changes may cause you discomfort, annoyance, and even anger. These are painful feelings to overcome because they are usually followed with guilt. Stacking discomfort, annoyance, anger, and guilt on top of extreme sorrow makes your recovery even more elusive.
What then does one do to recover from such debilitating grief? As a certified grief counselor, I could list a multitude of suggestions written by highly educated doctors, counselors, and psychologists. However, as a surviving grandmother trying to recover from the recent loss of my grandson, my list and advice are slightly different than they were a year ago. I have suffered undeniable heartache over his loss, and immense pain watching my daughter fight her way back from the depths of her anguish. Even my tiny grandchildren have suffered the ravages of grief as they have experienced the tragic loss of their baby brother. His loss has changed our lives because it has changed us.
As I have traveled this inexpressible sea of anguish, I have found that suggestions made through educated hypothesis have been somewhat ineffectual. What has brought me the most significant relief and recovery are those things that have touched my soul. Where words are inadequate, a gentle touch of the hand, or expressive eyes glancing into my own, deliver empathy rather than sympathy. Spiritual experiences from a power beyond my understanding have reached my sufferings and replaced them with peace and comfort. For these things, I am grateful.
My new list of recovery suggestions based on the experience of significant loss are these:
Take care of your spiritual needs because love is a spiritual gift.
If you believe in a higher being, communicate openly and honestly with him or her. If you believe in the forces of the universe or nature, mediate and invite peace to return to you.
Spend time with the people you love, even if that time is spent in silence. You need the support of their love to heal your soul.
Ask people to pray or meditate for you, and be grateful for their willingness to supplicate on your behalf.
Believe that recovery will one day be yours and actively seek it without ceasing.
Accept grief as proof that you loved someone so deeply that life without them is more painful than life with them ever was.
When you think things are improving be prepared for bad days to hit you square in the face. Realize that you are having better days, once in a while, and appreciate them.
Understand that recovery takes time. The depth of your love didn’t develop overnight; neither will its recovery.
Be grateful for the gift of love and share it with those who remain near and dear to you.
Rely on your spiritual nature to guide and direct you through the anguish that will haunt you.
Determine, direct, and control the outcome of your recovery by humbly accepting and exercising the spiritual gifts that are graciously distilled upon you.
Accept that life has changed and that it will never be the same. If you let it, grief can turn your life from warmth and love to bitterness and cold. You are the gatekeeper here; you must determine the direction of your life.
Loss has changed my perspective, tolerance, and opinions on many things. In short, it has changed my life because it has changed me. I pray that through the ravages of grief, you will recognize your strength, develop and exercise your spiritual power and that one day soon, you will find your way back to peace.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.