Millennial Grief
Tracy Lee • May 12, 2020
Millennials grieve differently than previous generations. Their lives have been remarkably different from their predecessors. Therefore, it is reasonable that their manner of expression, as well as, their way of digesting and reacting to information and events, will be different too.
Millennials have grown up with instant information and instant gratification. My daughter, a Gen-Y girl, calls Millennials the, “Instant Oat-Mealers.” She hypothesizes, “They have grown up with instant friends, instant information, and instant gratification at their fingertips. They are like children, too impatient to wait three minutes for Old Fashioned Oatmeal and pacified with a product that lacks its rich robust flavor, texture, and longevity. They would rather forgo the full experience of a breakfast food that delivers satisfaction, excellent heart and other health benefits, and an ability to stave off hunger pangs, and settle for a product that delivers a skeletal shell of its potential, simply because it has, albeit fleeting, instant gratification.”
Millennials live their lives as open books. They share everything on social media and create their own celebrity. Privacy, commitment, and boundaries, once revered as safety’s gatekeepers, are distasteful and underrated to this group of human celebrities. They have gone through life constructing their persona digitally, and manipulating what others see, experience, and read about them. The reality of their existence is controlled by their like, friend, and unfriend buttons, and the number of shares their posts receive on social pages.
I was reading an article written by a millennial about the loss of her mother. The author wrote, "Millennials came of age with the internet and amid the uncertainties of a recession, and that's connected us to our parents in ways that Gen Xers and boomers never were with theirs, and now, because at age 26 or 27 we're not rushing to walk down the aisle or buy our first home, we still think of our parents as the central pillars of our family." (MPR News, 2015) This statement paints the perfect picture of the millennial’s “Failure to Launch” syndrome.” Millennials, in historical numbers, fail to transition independently of their parents and reside in their basements beyond the age of legal adulthood.
This past weekend I directed a funeral that brought my daughter’s “Instant Oatmeal” and the millennial author’s “Failure to Launch” theories forward in my purview. In planning the services, the family decided they would allow guest participation through “sharing.” Millennials love to share, it is how they communicate, build their celebrity, and grow their friends list. Unfortunately, they have somehow confused social media friendships with legitimate human relationships. Standing in front of 200 real people in real time and presenting one’s thoughts off the cuff, does not allow one to digitally craft their delivery. Sharing at a funeral may be the Millennial's first real time sharing experience with real human beings. It may be their first steps out of the digital world and into the real world: the legitimate world of grief and lasting consequences.
Maslow’s theory of Hierarchy states that human beings not only need friends, they need legitimate relationships. Legitimate relationships contain physical presence, spiritual edification, and emotional attachment. Although one may emotionally attach to a digital friend, the additional qualifiers of physical presence and spiritual edification, required for legitimacy, are absent. This friendship, and others that are either purely physical (sexual), or purely spiritual, disqualify for legitimacy. They are incomplete. A human being must have at least one relationship that contains all three qualifiers; otherwise, the person exists as psychologically maladjusted and disabled.
The millennial author asserts that failing to launch from one’s parents into other human relationships is thwarted due to social reconstructing and transference from human to human contact to digital communication and incomplete friendships. In her assertion, the three elements of relationship fulfillment are imprinted solely upon his or her parent(s), while all other interpersonal relationships are either digital or incomplete. If the millennial passes through life acting out their persona as presented from behind their digital creations of who and what they want others to believe of them, seeking instant gratification through numbers of likes and shares, and indulging in benefits without commitments, how will they understand and cope with the realization of true grief? Any friendships lost to this point will have been so incomplete that they would have never touched the heart or stimulated the soul, and would be classified as non-losses. Such losses can be immediately replaced with additional digital or incomplete friendships, growing the Millennial's perceived acceptance and popularity and delivering instant gratification.
The big reality slap then becomes the loss of the millennial’s only true human attachment, the foundation of their emotional, physical, and spiritual support; his or her parent(s). Digital and incomplete friendship losses will not have prepared the millennial for this life altering experience. They will be as a child, suffering extreme loss without any maturing experiences to draw upon.
The millennial author suggests the following actions to assist a millennial adult through the grief of losing a person with whom they have shared their attachments.
FOR LOSS OF DIGITAL FRIENDS OR DISTANTLY ACQUAINTED CO-WORKERS:
1. Send a personal email or private message rather than a social post or physical card. A social post is awkward as other friends may be sending invitations for social interaction and a physical card is cumbersome and impersonal.
2. Remember that grief can be tiring and stressful. Perhaps offering to assist with simple tasks if you notice their work quality or stewardship is lagging.
3. Jot down the anniversary of death to remind yourself to say a kind word next year.
FOR RELATIVES WHO GRIEVING:
1. Dispel awkward moments by avoiding unhelpful comments.
2. Listen to your loved one when they need someone to talk to.
3. Send a kind email or message about a memory you shared with the decedent.
4. Come up with non-intrusive ways to distract the survivor’s grief.
FOR GRIEVING MILLENNIALS:
1. Be kind to yourself.
2. Join a digital support group and share stories about your loved one.
3. Treasure the decedent’s belongings that are in your possession.
As a certified grief counselor, I worry deeply about millennials and their grief experiences. To be detached from human contact and relationships beyond your immediate lineage is troubling. Although a millennial may have thousands of digital friends and several incomplete friendships, they may not be familiar with another human being with whom they may rely in their desperate hour of need for physical, emotional, and spiritual understanding and reassurance. The death of their sole and foundational human attachment may be the destruction of their well-being.
We have all witnessed the crazy behavior celebrities perpetrate against their adoring fans who unwittingly cross the star’s invisible personal boundary line. This behavior stems from their detachment or isolation, necessary for their safety, from their fan base. We see this same psychological isolation forming within the millennial psyche, brought on by the advent of perceived social celebrity, through extensive digital and incomplete friendships.
Never before has the role of one’s funeral director been so keenly important. The narrow development of human attachment resident in the millennial generation widens their inability to navigate successfully the grief experience to a state of recovery. Once they are isolated from human attachment and foundational support, psychological detachment and psychosis have a wide gate of opportunity. In my practice, I find that the funeral director plays an integral role in shoring up the isolated millennial and quickly educating them toward basic human emotions and cohesive coping strategies. Fortunately, millennials are a quick study. Their instant oatmeal consumption of information and concept formulation sets them up for speedy adaptation. Their minds are capable of perceiving, evaluating, and implementing information into practical application within a nanosecond.
Successful millennial recovery lies in finding the appropriate funeral director who understands grief, as well as, the particular challenges that millennials face.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director at Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and certified grief counselor. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.