Missing Toddler
jgreen • December 27, 2019
When my daughter was a toddler, my husband served in the US Navy, and we lived in a very large coastal California city. One day my husband and I decided, for entertainment, we would like to go to a large swap meet. We loaded up our toddler, invited my mother and away we went. It was a wonderful activity, filled with exciting things to see and purchase. The prices were low and the local delicacies abundant. We were having a fabulous time.
About two hours into our activity, I walked over to my husband, who was shopping a different booth than I, and noticed that our toddler was not in her stroller. I asked my husband where she was, thinking that my mother must have her, and my husband said, “She’s in her stroller.” Suddenly, my whole life changed. My wonderful day of pleasure shopping abruptly changed into a horrid emergent situation. I felt as though I could not breathe, it seemed as if the world began to spin a million miles per minute. My toddler was missing at an open-air swap meet, in a large and dangerous city, and I had no idea where she was or what might be happening to her.
My husband, being the organizer that he is, immediately sprang into action. He instantly located my mother and sent her to the business office to alert security. Her next task was to go to the entry gate and detain anyone trying to exit with a child near the age of our daughter. My husband headed toward the restrooms to inspect them for our daughter or signs of foul play, and I was to comb through the rows and rows of shopping booths, calling out my daughter’s name and scanning for anyone that might be trying to escape with her. We all three sprang into our appointed duties. I ran as fast as a cheetah, calling my daughter’s name and inspecting anyone and everyone within the isles and shops. I was frantic, just recalling the event, is causing my heart to race slightly and my eyes to tear. As I rounded a corner, I saw a woman, tugging my daughter by the hand. My child was hysterical and I am sure I looked a fright, because the woman quickly threw her hands up in the air and started yelling that she had found my daughter and was taking her to security.
Sobbing, I fell to my knees and held my child tightly to my chest. My daughter was equally distraught; she was crying and holding onto me just as tightly. Oh my, I cannot tell you what a horrid experience that was. I had felt as if my life were over. Lost in a whirlwind of panic and fear. I had felt unbelievable anguish and inconceivable despair. We left the swap meet and went directly to a large warehouse, where we purchased a personal alarm for my daughter. She has never been lost again.
Many times over the years, as I have watched her grow into a wonderful woman, (currently expecting her own child), I have reflected back on that horrific experience. The thought of what could have happened to her that day, still frightens me and almost brings me to my knees. If my daughter had been kidnapped that day or killed, I do not know that I could have lived on without her. The pain, anguish and self-blame would have been too much to bear. I am so thankful that she was all right, that I found her and that the poor woman who had her was a Good Samaritan, rather than a demented crazy axe murderer. My experience although terribly frightening ended with a positive resolution.
The feelings and panic I experienced that dreadful day were real and powerful. They pale, however, in comparison to those a family feels, when they have unexpectedly lost a loved one. Unexpected loss brings a multitude of issues beyond those of an anticipated loss. When a loved one has been ill, or has been suffering severe pain for an extended time, although we mourn the loss, death is sometimes a relief for those witnessing, day in and day out, the unrelenting pain and suffering of their family member or close friend. When death is unexpected or sudden, family and close friends develop regrets, they are robbed of the time they need to prepare themselves psychologically, as well as time for resolving any unfinished business or issues existing between themselves and the deceased. These issues will fester over time and can become severe health issues, both psychologically and physically.
Equally robbed is their opportunity to simply say “good-bye.” This simple moment, shared between those we love, is immensely important. Being robbed of this final rite creates a helplessness that is difficult to overcome. Mourners may carry this pain with them for a very long time, and some are unable to overcome it. Pair with this the regret of unfinished business, the anguish of a brutal death, or the eternal yearning for an unfound loved one, and a recipe for extreme extension with a myriad of additional complications to overcome, for the accomplishment of grief recovery develops.
Currently in the news, one intently follows the disappearance of the commercial 777 jetliner. The sorrow on the faces, and behavior of the families suffering through this crisis, reveal these complications. These families need extreme support and aggressive counseling, rather than being abruptly escorted away from those who should be offering insights and answers. With leadership comes great responsibility. With the absence of information and answers, responsible leaders should render greater latitude and understanding, than is being offered to these families in despair. We continue to hope for the safe return of the commercial 777 jetliner and it’s passengers. We know that their families do too. In the end, if this is not realized, we hope and pray for their recovery. These families may indeed be forced to begin their road to recovery without resolution.
Although unlikely, my fervent prayer is that these unfortunate families with loved ones aboard the 777 jetliner would have the same resolution of having their loved ones returned to them whole and unharmed, as I did with my toddler. In that this scenario is less and less probable as the days painfully pass, I pray that the world and especially those in authoritative roles, will render them the tender consideration and extended grief care resources, of which they so desperately stand in need.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.