MY CAREER, MY CRISIS, MY JOURNEY

For me, studying the sciences created a weakness in my testimony. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with this, but through it, although confused, I was determined to find the truth in my soul.

Once I began the study of science, the spiritual companionship that I had always relied upon was weakened. In other words, the function of living became the study of biological functioning. If biological functions end, so too does life. With the cessation of life, a different biological function takes over and the body begins decomposing. Through my scientific studies, there was no study nor premise of spiritual matter sustaining, or being involved, with life.

Working with death confused me because the body is so different once it dies. The warmth and beauty which accompanied the person while living are instantly gone. As a student of science, I equated warmth and beauty with oxygenated blood pumping through one’s veins. Upon cessation of these actions, the body instantly loses its appealing color, immediately changes odor, steadily loses warmth as it adjusts to the surrounding temperature, and remains unresponsive to any treatments applied to support life. Based on scientific learning, life depended on scientific balance. If a body moved out of scientific balance life would become unsustainable, and death would occur.

Before I entered college for my science degree, I had been a successful portrait artist. Art had never been a part of my life until I had children. The birth of a baby is wondrous and miraculous. Being a mother motivated my creativity, it magnified the love within my soul, and it inspired me beyond what I had ever dreamt possible. I experienced the world through possibilities and unparalleled joy. I painted the beauty of the soul, the light that I saw within the eyes, and the purity that touched my heart. Painting was a spiritual experience.

Science nullified the spiritual communication of art and replaced it with emotionless scientific processes for me. I felt the loss deeply within myself. It was difficult and a little frightening to suddenly feel as though my life’s beliefs had been wrongly placed. What I had perceived as spiritual knowledge and communication, now seemed to be emotional weakness. I was confused but seemingly more emotionally controlled. One might say I had gained emotional maturity. On the other hand, one might say that I lost my spirituality to a large degree. Whatever the interpretation of this change in my life, I felt it very strongly.

Friends and relatives noticed it immediately. They would comment on it incessantly. Many were impressed by it, but others were concerned over it. I thought about it and decided that it had to be related to age. Not being subject to hormonal influences was very liberating to me. I felt in greater control of myself than ever before, and I liked the strength to reason based on facts rather than emotions. At least, that is what I told myself.

I began questioning the existence of deity. I wondered if I had passed through 50 plus years of life placing my trust in superstitions and crazy tales of spiritual interactions and history. Had the stories of ancient prophets and people of the Bible been based on imaginations? Life became very different for me. I questioned the consequences of dishonesty and unkindness. Where did justice fit in? Were there consequences after death or did everything just stop without continuation after breathing ended? I had confusing questions swimming around in my head that I had never considered. I found that my confidence was somewhat affected by it and my happiness was eroding. I stopped painting because I no longer understood what was behind the eyes and how such beauty could just vanish. Life lost its luster for me, its purpose, and I began to falter.

Then, without warning, the most horrific thing in my life happened. I lost my grandson. His death ripped my soul right out of my body. I suddenly couldn’t understand why life even existed. There seemed no logical reason for elements to join together to form bodies that functioned so magnificently. What was the purpose? How could elements on their own, cooperate in perfect concert to produce scientific creation without divine orchestration, instruction, and purpose? It just didn’t make sense to me, it was not justifiable.

The year 2020, although difficult for the world, was a Godsend to me. Due to shelter in place mandates, I was afforded the time to redirect myself through personal evaluation. I was able to discover and define who I truly was and what I truly believed. I studied scriptures, scientific theories, prophets, and scholars, and finally realized that returning to the beginning was my answer.

It became evident to me that physical life and function are based on the balance of scientific elements working together, but that their possibilities operate under the orchestration, direction, and permission of deity. They have a purpose; I have a purpose. My testimony was rekindled and my spiritual strength began to return. My happiness and confidence have returned and I have begun painting again. I have started gathering friends again and I have a new grandbaby.

Spiritual strength, paired with scientific studies and understanding, encourages me to allow growth in knowledge without fear of personal loss. Science no longer confuses me. It no longer robs me of my hope or knowing and fulfilling my spiritual purpose. Together, science and spirituality have enlightened my mind to understand more fully the trials of life, the purpose of its journey, and the consequences of eternity.

Moreover, I once again feel the existence of spiritual comfort. I know who I am, I understand my purpose, and my fears of death are gone. I am free to love, to be emotionally moved, and to exercise spiritual growth. My mind is open to guidance and enlightenment. It has clarity, wonder, and order. I am happy again, my creativity is returning, and I am grateful for my blessings.

Following the loss of my grandson, I sustained many additional losses of loved ones. Without the enlightenment of 2020, I would not have been able to understand and accept those losses as I have. The journey of growth and understanding comes together with enlightenment. Without such blessings life and loss would have no meaning, they would be unbearable.

I hope that if you are confused, lonely, sad, or depressed that you will take the time for personal reflection and study. I don’t know that I could have continued on much longer, lost in a world without spiritual awareness. I am glad that that chapter is closed in my life. I am glad that I feel my Savior’s love again, and that I am free to share it with those seeking solace. I am grateful for my family and their love, and I am thankful that life does not end when breathing ceases. I believe in miracles and have benefited from the miracle of spiritual companionship that saves lives; that saved my life.

I am thankful for Christ's love and forgiveness.

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John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.