Pre-Planning Auntie
Tracy Lee • March 24, 2020
Original publish date Feb 16, 2015
As I sat last week with my daughter in the hospital, she received visitors wishing her a speedy recovery. One of her visitors was a medically retired woman with questions and concerns regarding her unavoidable future death. Her questions revolved around her particular medical issues and the way in which they would be addressed during the preparation of her body. Her religion requires that she be dressed by members of her faith, and she wanted assurances that she would be able to have this done with as little inconvenience as possible to her friends and family.
After discussing the subject to her satisfaction, our topic changed to the type of services and choices she would prefer for her funeral arrangements. I was surprised when I asked her who her pre-need was with, that she did not have one. I asked her why after all of the thought and planning she had so obviously invested into her preferences, had she not prearranged for their execution on her behalf. This woman is in the unique situation of being rather young, yet rather ill. Fortunately, she was greatly appreciated and loved by the company she worked for, and out of concern for her, this company paid off her home, offered her a funded retirement and tacked on wonderful insurance coverage so that she could live out the remainder of her life in comfort without concern for her financial needs.
She is also a single woman, she has never married and hasn’t any children. Her plan in life is to leave her sizable estate to her nieces and nephews. She stated that in exchange for her estate, they would have to take on the task of planning her funeral and burying her. I was surprised at her plan and asked if she loved her nieces and nephews any at all. She was taken back by my question and asked me to explain myself.
I was glad to accommodate her request and asked her why she would place these children, whom she claimed to love so deeply, in familial turmoil and financial ruin. She insisted that she would never do such a thing and that indeed; she was setting them up quite well financially. I asked her where she expected them to acquire the money for her services. She replied that they would come from her estate, of course. I pointed out to her that those funds would be tied up in her estate for quite some time; hard assets are not liquid assets. She argued that she had money in her bank accounts and that they could draw those funds out to pay for her services. I explained that those accounts would be frozen immediately upon her death until the courts released them according to the instructions in her will and predicated upon the procurement of a death certificate.
It had not occurred to her until our conversation that she was putting her nieces and nephews in such an undesirable predicament. Additionally, I explained to her that her nieces and nephews would be confused at a very stressful and sad time in their lives. Her niece might think that her aunt would want an expensive casket while another might think that she would have wanted a moderately priced casket with a vault instead. Then again, a nephew might think she wanted to be cremated and sprinkled out over the Cote d’Azur. Now let’s add to this, the fact that they each have to personally produce the funds to pay for her services. Also, by the time she passes, some of these nieces and nephews might be married with children. Now we have a potential family nightmare happening. Complicating this situation, these nieces and nephews might have to produce funds on her behalf while anticipating inheriting a substantial amount of funds from her estate. Do they spend the funds on her death, or do they conserve the funds so that once they inherit them, they have a nice little chunk of funds for their family? What were her intentions in leaving these funds behind? Some of her nieces and nephews may think they should spend their aunt’s money on her, while others may think she wanted them to have the funds to make their lives easier. The fact is that there will be unnecessary disagreements and stresses placed on her nieces and nephews because she failed to pre-arrange. By the time we had finished our conversation; my daughter’s friend had a new appreciation for pre-arranging her funeral needs.
My business needed my attention, so I left my daughter in the hospital under the loving care of my sister. I traveled back up to northeast Texas and returned yesterday to Houston to check on my daughter’s recovery. As chance would have it, I met my daughter’s friend once again. I asked her how she was, and she informed me that she was more comfortable with her end of life arrangements. She had taken our conversation to heart and had pre-arranged her funeral needs with a local funeral home. She is now comfortable knowing that her nieces and nephews will not have to experience the tragic burden of second guessing themselves and arguing over her final rites. She has selected her services and pre-funded them. She knows that her beloved nieces and nephews will experience her death with the best chance possible for an uncomplicated grief recovery. With this simple act of pre-planning, she has taken away unnecessary stresses and financial difficulties from them. She has given them a great gift; she has made life’s saddest experience a little more bearable for those she loves.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.