Salesclerk Survivor
Tracy Lee • March 26, 2020
Last weekend I was shopping, out of town, with my youngest daughter at one of our favorite dress shops. As I was paying for our purchases, somehow, the topic of my work came up. The salesclerk who was ringing up my purchase me told me that she had lost her husband, just three months prior. She said that she and her daughter were having a difficult time, as her husband’s death was sudden and unexpected. She also mentioned that she had been forced into cremating her husband, against her and her daughter’s wishes, due to financial reasons. This young widow was very heartbroken and forlorn. I offered my business card and suggested that she might visit my website, www.MourningCoffee.com, to watch free video Grief Briefs. Additionally, I suggested that she might contact her funeral home and see if they were hosting a support group or some other recovery program.
I left the dress shop worried about the young widow. Over these past few months, I had noticed she had been working more hours than was generally her schedule, and now I realized it was most likely related to her husband’s death. I decided to return to the store the following weekend and check on her.
As it turned out, she was working this weekend, and I asked for a moment of her time to chat together. I asked about her week, her daughter and how her grief recovery was coming along. She reported no improvement and apologized for not visiting my website. I had suspected this would be her response, and so I had brought with me my book, “Mourning Light” to give to her as a gift. Rather than just handing it to her, I opened it and reviewed its contents with her.
With tears in her eyes, she reached out and hugged me. She whispered in my ear that I had done more for her in two minutes than anyone else had done over a space of months. She thanked me, and the embrace was over. I said goodbye, and she returned to work.
There are so many people that we encounter every day who are suffering debilitating grief and yet we are unaware of their pain. Sadly, they do not know where to turn for help, and even when we become aware of their loss, we do not know what to say to help them. It is an uncomfortable situation for both parties.
Today, I offer my best advice to help someone who is suffering loss. It is very simple and will not cost you a dime. My first suggestion is to kindly offer to listen to the survivor talk about their loved one. The best and most productive way for a survivor to recover from a loss is to recount their story. All you need to do as a friend, a co-worker, an acquaintance or a family member is to simply listen. As the survivor recounts their story, they are moving their loved one from a living participant in life to a loving memory. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give a survivor.
Secondly, offer a kind word of encouragement. If you were close to the decedent, the wound of grief may have marked your heart with a deep scar as well. It may be impossible for you to listen to the survivor recount their story without becoming very upset yourself. Perhaps you are a person who is uncomfortable speaking and listening about loss. In this case, a kind word of encouragement is sufficient. “Mary, I was thinking about you today. I hope you know I care for you.” or “Mary, Bob was a wonderful man, we miss him deeply.” Acknowledging the loss and grief the survivor is experiencing helps them to know that although they are incapable of socializing at this time, they have friends who support them, and who will be there once they begin their journey back into society.
Thirdly, pull up the slack. If you know of a woman who has recently been widowed, mowing her lawn for a year is a great gift. If she is a young widow, offering to help out with her children’s schedules is often appreciated. Perhaps if your kids are on the same soccer team, you could offer to drive her children to practice until she is able to safely drive again. If your friend is a man who has lost his dear wife, offering to pick up necessary items at the grocery store or offering to do a load or two of laundry for a time might be very helpful and appreciated as well.
Finally, sometimes the gift of one’s silent presence is enough. Maybe the survivor would like to just enjoy a cup of coffee at the corner shop but feels uncomfortable sitting alone. You might offer to sit with them while they drink their coffee in quiet reflection.
These basic kindnesses will go a long way in helping a survivor get through their grief experience. They do not cost money and are very easy to do if you can just think of them when someone needs them. Please tuck this information away in your wallet or pocketbook for safe keeping and the next time you see someone grieving, pull it out and use it.
Working together, we can make the world a better place for those who mourn.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.