Special Needs
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
The last several weeks have been busy pre-need weeks, and this week has been no exception. I have had to piggyback appointments and rearrange my schedule multiple times. Friday morning, I received a request for an immediate appointment. The sisters requesting the appointment were about 30 minutes away, so I had just enough time to straighten up my arrangement room and print the Federal Trade Commission’s required information and forms.
True to their word, the sisters arrived exactly 30 minutes after their call. I invited them into the funeral home, and we had a seat in the gathering room to talk for a few minutes before we dove into the purpose of their visit. The two sisters are actually cousins of mine. My cousins were here to make arrangements for their mother, my great aunt. We began visiting and then moved into the purpose of their visit. Their mother had entered into assisted living the week prior, so now we needed to protect certain of her assets by planning her final arrangements and assigning her assets to the funeral home for her future needs. As we began the arrangement phase, the older sister asked if it would be okay if she were excused. Her younger sister was all right with her leaving, so my younger cousin set about planning her mother’s funeral needs.
Over the last few years, I have worried deeply over my cousin’s well-being. She is a young widow whose husband passed three years ago from lung cancer. A short three months later, she lost her young granddaughter to congenital disease. I attended her husband’s funeral, and I could see that she was struggling. I was unable to attend her granddaughter’s service as it was in a different area. Nevertheless, when I would see my cousin in town or at her older sister’s house, I could see that she was carrying a tremendous burden of grief in her heart.
I love being a funeral director. Helping people through the worst week of life is challenging and rewarding. There is, however, a drawback. When people are gravely ill or recovering from loss, I am not usually the person they, nor their family, want to see. This is particularly the case within my own family. When I have a great aunt or cousin who is in the hospital, my presence is not always welcome. I can understand this, my work carries a certain stigma with it, especially near the end of life; but it is difficult for me. I have always been a person who would visit the infirmed and try to help those near loss find acceptance and peace. Now where I have always been welcome in the past, I am shunned. I have noticed over the past few years that this has been the case with my younger cousin. My work reminds her of her losses, and through no fault from either of us, she is less comfortable around me that she was before her significant losses. This arrangement conference offered us time to be together, and her insightful sister recognized that her younger sister might benefit more in a one on one situation. This I found myself alone in the room with my grieving cousin and found herself alone with me.
We began her conference by discussing choices and service options. As we continued planning things for her mother, I could see her relaxing little by little. During our conference, our words would drift to their experiences of losing her husband and her granddaughter. Her pain runs deep within the core of her existence, and it broke my heart to see it. My cousin is a few years younger than I am, and I treasure my fond memories of her running around in diapers at my great-grandmother’s house. Later, as we grew up, she and another of my younger cousins, came out west to spend a summer with my younger sister. I remember seeing the three of them talk about their impending teen years and learning about hairstyles and makeup. They were all three so sweet, but this little cousin was a bit shy which served to make her even more adorable than she already was. It was a great summer, and I think all three of the girls gleaned treasured lifelong memories.
We spoke of the trial of experiencing a loved one’s severe pain and journey to death. During the final phase of her beloved husband’s lung cancer, they were blessed with their beautiful granddaughter. She was born with an illness that would prematurely end her life. My cousin, choking back tears, said that when her granddaughter was born, she questioned why Heavenly Father would send her another tragedy when she was already experiencing one. After awhile, she and her dying husband realized that Heavenly Father sent her granddaughter to be there for the tow of them, to help them refocus their love and hope on someone more powerful that the tragedies they were experiencing. Even though her granddaughter was a baby, she would lay on her granddaddy’s chest with love and affection. At her tiny age, she would lay perfectly still because she instinctive understood that her movements would cause him excruciating pain. When her granddaughter needed consoling, only grandma could accomplish the mission.
My cousin’s granddaughter could not speak. She could not walk. She could not develop along with other children her same age. I saw her granddaughter a few times. Her condition was noticeable and severe. My cousin admitted that prior to having a special needs granddaughter, she, like so many others, would shy away from special needs individuals. She continued, “Having and loving one, however, opened my mind and heart. Now when I see a special needs person, I am not fearful or bothered by them. Instead, my heart goes out to them. She continued, “When my husband was dying, I had a special need for comfort and love. No way could I have made it through the overwhelming sadness and pain without help. Heavenly Father seeing my suffering sent me the only possible solution; he sent me a special needs child. She was pure, she was filled with light, and she came from up above for me and Milo (her husband) to love. It made things easier for Milo to have an innocent child love him; it made things easier for me knowing that he was no longer alone won the sad journey. Together they returned to heaven, loving and helping each other overcome the great sadness they had been dealt. Together they will greet me when I join them.”
I held back tears as I witnessed her anguish and I was reminded of the little girl in diapers at my great-grandmother’s house. I did not know then that her life would be so tragic and that she would one day sit in my funeral home sharing her story of loss and love. In sharing her story with me, I learned so much about her. I realized that she is a woman of great fortitude, that she surpasses many in our family with her unyielding testimony of the purpose of life and the journey thereafter, and that her heart is tender and holds a special place for those who suffer. She is a wonderful woman, and I love her as I always have, with reverence and great esteem. As she left the funeral home, I thought of my great-grandmother and how proud she must be over my dear younger cousin. She has survived tragedies of life and loss and has emerged triumphantly.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.