Super Hero Incognito
Tracy Lee • May 15, 2020
I have written articles about my cousin in the past. Her life is filled with enormous responsibilities that are nearly impossible to bear, and yet, she continues in life under a load of stress that would surely cause the death of most of us. Over the past several years, my cousin lost both of her parents, closely together. Around that same time, her adult daughter was sideswiped by an 18-wheeler, and after nearly dying and being in the hospital for a full year, continues to suffer physical and mental discrepancies, to the point, that she can no longer care for her children. As such, my cousin has been tasked with guardianship of her young grandchildren.
She has assumed the care of her 104-year-old grandmother. She is the provider and caregiver for her adult incapacitated daughter. She is the provider and mentor for her 58-year-old drug addicted brother (when he is out of jail) because she cannot bear to see him homeless.
Her eldest daughter’s marriage failed during all of this chaos as she was returning to school and entering a Ph.D. program. In order to assist her daughter in obtaining her educational goals, my cousin nearly always has responsibility for her other grandchildren as well.
My cousin, who is now 63 years old, and her husband, worked for a company that decided to relocate its operations approximately 1,200 miles away from where they live. Due to their overwhelming responsibilities, my cousin and her husband were unable to accept the relocation offer. Thus, they lost their employment and tenure of forty-five years. She was forced to seek, and accept employment at a wage far below her customary income level. Additionally, she now travels two or more hours daily for work. It was not an easy task to find her new job either. She worked for an extended time in a job far below her skill level while she searched for something in her field.
After years of worry, I, at last, see positive things happening in my cousin's life. Her eldest daughter has met and married a strong man of faith. They have seen the addition of a new tiny bundle of joy into their blended family. Two of my cousin’s grandchildren have recently been baptized into their faith; another accepted the responsibilities and was set apart as a deacon. Her grandchildren have received noteworthy honors at school. Her eldest daughter is doing very well in her Ph.D. program. Her new son-in-law has opened a successful business. Her husband has secured comparable employment. In general, I see things moving in a good direction for her.
In the quiet moments of contemplation, however, I still see grief’s clutches strangling her joy. Over the past several years, I have seen her struggle with the difficulties in her life. She has in no way consciously cast aside her grief over the loss of her parents. Life itself, however, has to an extent, suspended her anguish, allowing her to accomplish survival, and nurture those within her care.
As her life begins to chart a more manageable direction, I believe she will find that her grief experience will flood her heart. I wish there were a way around it. She has suffered enough over the last several years.
There is a movie theatre near my home and my husband and I go out to dinner, and a movie, every Tuesday evening. Quite often, there is nothing to see that we are truly interested in, so we settle for any movie on the marquee that is not scary (we do, after all, live in a funeral home) or nasty. More often than not, that leaves us with a superhero movie. I used to think superheroes were imaginative stories written for children, to inspire them to withstand human challenges. My cousin has proved me wrong.
Superheroes are not conjured up out of imagination; they actually exist and reside among us. Instead of having descriptive names like Hulk, untold wealth like Batman, Godly heritage like Thor, or supernatural powers like Super Woman, they are those who walk among us known by such endearments as Grandma or the neighbor down the street who sacrificed his youth to serve on distant shores. Regular people who work hard for a living, and who are willing to put all that they have, including themselves, on the line for the love they feel for their families, and their fellow man.
That is who my cousin is; she is one of those superheroes. She may not have bullet-deflecting bracelets on her forearms or flashy blue go-go boots on her feet, but in the throes of a heated battle, you can best believe, she will stand up and take a bullet for those in need of her protection. I know this about her. She has proven it repeatedly.
Her suffering has forged her into a compassionate woman of steel. As she has been tempered through hell’s fiery furnace, she has become fearless. I admire her so deeply. Her strength comes from bearing the crosses of human tragedy. Moreover, although somewhat delayed, I believe she will come through the inevitable battle of grief as it finally seeps its full pain into the forefront of her existence. She will recover because her trials have prepared her for it. She will conquer her darkest cross - the loss of her beloved parents - along with the crosses she bears for her children, grandchildren, extended family, and friends, while she carries on as "Grandma, Superhero Incognito".
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director at Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and certified grief counselor. I write books and weekly bereavement articles related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.