Tap Shoes
Tracy Lee • March 26, 2020
I missed church yesterday. I spent the day with my mom.
Twenty-seven years ago, my mother fell while riding her bicycle in La Jolla CA. From that time on, she has had difficulties standing and walking. It took ten years before her HMO would do an MRI of her back to discover that her complaints stemmed from sustaining a break in her spine during her bicycle accident. It took another five years of her HMO refusing to do anything for her injury before I could talk her into moving to Texas for better care. She moved here and within one year, Texas provided back surgery for her.
Unfortunately, fifteen years of improper care for a broken back delivers a shipload of health problems. When my mother arrived in Texas, she could not stand upright. She could not walk more than two steps at one time. Her breathing capacity was diminished. Her stamina was non-existent. She had no strength, and her heart was suffering as well. She had developed congestive heart failure. Her surgeon said that even with her back surgery, she would always have severe pain and continued health issues.
Her surgery did not bring relief. She did not see the return of her strength or endurance. She remained unable to stand upright, and eventually, it was discovered that the hardware placed in her back, needed to be removed. After suffering all of these horrendous consequences of falling from her bicycle, my seventy-seven-year-old mother, was now faced with another major back surgery. Her surgeon removed the hardware and we had high hopes for a painless recovery. Unfortunately, this dream was yet again elusive. My mother did not recover into a pain-free existence. She remains unable to walk without assistance and suffers an enormous level of pain. Her health continues to slip away from us.
We are now faced with tough decisions. My mother is unable to live on her own at this point. She has resided in a rehabilitation center since her second back surgery and will be discharged at the end of the week. Her discharge is not because she has recovered; it is because there is no recovery in sight for her. They have done all they can do to help her regain her mobility; it is just not possible for her body to overcome the trauma and absence of sound health care when she was younger.
We are placing my mother in an assisted living facility, and although a nursing home would probably suit her needs better, at this point, we believe it would break her spirit.
Yesterday, I missed church. I spent the day with my mother sifting through her clothes and belongings. We were weeding her life long possessions because she is going from a home filled with meaningful things to a small bedroom without room for more than her hospital bed and three drawers for clothing. As we worked together, she would pick up her belongings, family heirlooms and pictures of her children and hold them to her heart. I would see tears swell up in her eyes as her heart wept with the realization that yesterday was the last time she would have stewardship over these precious and meaningful treasures. She was strong and kept a stiff upper lip as she painfully gave up the items that represented her life.
As the day wore on, I saw my mother’s strength fade; I also saw the weight of grief fill her soul like water spilling into the dry rows of a garden. It filled every nook and cranny of her heart, every crevice of her soul. My mother began to grieve the loss of her home, her precious mementos, and her ability to be in control of her destiny. Until yesterday, my mother has always thought she would recover and one day, in the not so distant future, regain her abilities to walk, to tend to her own needs, and to tap dance. Yes, the one thing my mother would not part with yesterday was her pair of well-worn tap shoes. She still dreams in her heart that she will one day regain her ability to exercise and dance. In her mind, her tap shoes represent her independence, her ability to get up and take care of herself, and the return of her health, happiness, and well-being.
Yesterday we scanned all of my mother’s family pictures and placed them on a digital photo album. We will set it on her nightstand, in clear sight. At least my mother will have her photos to remember the life she is mourning. I hope seeing them rotate through on her nightstand will help her keep grounded with who she is, who she loves, and to those of us who have begun to mourn as she has, the loss of her life as we have known it.
I love my mother, and this task of weeding through her belongings is heartbreaking for me. For my mom - it is devastating. This Mother’s Day is going to be tough for us, my mother is sad, suffering excruciating pain, and grieving the loss of her independence. I think the pain of this Mother’s Day will only be surpassed by one other; the one where my mother will be absent.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.