The Absence of Your Funeral
Tracy Lee • May 26, 2020
My daughters and I love watching old Doris Day movies. She was so talented, beautiful, and sang with the voice of a lark. Now that my daughters have daughters of their own, our tradition of watching Doris Day continues throughout the generations of our family.
We were saddened to hear last month that Doris Day had died. She was a great lady and a stalwart cynophilist. Unfortunately, the latter years of her life were sad and reclusive. As such, she requested no funeral and no grave marker upon her death. Doris Day leaves surviving decedents and a large fan base to grieve her loss without closure. She unknowingly robbed many of them of the essential elements of healing.
Less than a year ago another great entertainer died, Aretha Franklin. Ms. Franklin went out with a bang. Her services were attended by former US Presidents, Governors, Athletes, Entertainers, and Religious figures. Her body was displayed in high diva fashion with wardrobe changes expressing her concept of life and how it should be lived. Her family, friends, and fans had ample opportunities to pay their respects, realize the reality of her death, and begin their recovery journey.
The differences between the two star’s funerals are noteworthy. They represent their concepts on life, self-value, and love. Doris Day was well loved, but she felt that life had abandoned her in so many aspects; therefore, in death, she abandoned the living by taking a quiet, non-eventful exit out of stage door left. She displayed her self-worth as small and did not understand her value to those who remained ever loving and respectful from afar. Sadly, her perceptions may have been the result of physiological manipulation.
Aretha Franklin lived her life and its tragedies wide open. She shared her story as it happened, as well as, the close of her life with everyone. She created a celebration that included all who had ever loved her. All were welcome, and no one was left out. She set the stage for those left behind to know that she loved them, appreciated the life they had shared with her, and that even though she was gone from them, her life, talents, and spiritual gifts were celebrations for all to continue experiencing.
Everyone has the right to choose their end of life services; however, it would be prudent to realize that your services are not for you. Your end of life services are for those whom you leave behind, those who must continue on without the comfort and security of your presence, and for those who have no assurances, only memories, of your love and influences. Your death, depending on how you chose to present it, can shore up the lives of your survivors and give them confidence in their future, or it can rip the ground right out from under them and shred their confidence into a nightmare of pathological psychosis.
Some argue that friends and family who did not visit them, or who may have offended them, should not have the privilege of farewell. Why is this concept irrational? The answer is simple: upon your death, a realization of finality wakes up the hearts of those who might not have realized that their absence or their actions were hurtful to you. Suddenly, the security of your being is gone from them, and your living influence no longer resides in the same dimension as they do. These realizations can be earth shattering and might potentially retard success or growth in your survivors. Indeed, such actions can even lead to additional deaths among those whom you hold, or held, dear.
Furthermore, you may have misunderstood the reasons or causes for particular survivor’s absences from you or actions toward you. What may have seemed menial to you may have been survival for them. Contrarily, what may have seemed monumental to you may have seemed minuscule to your survivors. At any rate, as we mature and move toward life’s end, it is incumbent upon us to adhere to a higher purpose, realize that our time was not inconsequential to those whom we leave behind, and prepare for our legacy to enhance, not hinder, those lives who have been within our influence.
Our duty or purpose in life is to improve it for ourselves and others as we travel toward our inevitable end of days. The measure of our legacy is the degree of life’s improvements realized by those who survive our loss. If we rob those who may need a final opportunity to clear their souls from potential anguish or growth, no matter what our accomplishments, our legacy is incomplete and our purpose less effective. What a failure of purpose when one becomes exactly whom they resent simply by mirroring the distasteful behavior.
Although the absence of funeral services may injure survivors, it is not my opinion that Miss Day forwent services in an attempt to harm anyone. I believe that her absence of services expressed her loss of self-worth and what she perceived as a loss of esteem among her survivors and fans. My heart breaks for the loneliness and distorted reality she endured. If I knew her place of internment, I would purchase the plot next to her and anonymously place a monument in honor of her kindness to animals and incredible talents she unselfishly shared with those who adored her.
The world was favored with two wonderfully talented entertainers; both influenced and enhanced my life. I shall miss each of them.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.