The Bitter Pill
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
About a month ago, I suggested to my siblings that we all get-together and carol at an assisted living facility where our mother and her sister reside. It was agreed that this past weekend would be the best date as my sister from Austin TX, my brother from Dallas TX, my sister from San Diego CA and three of her four children, and I along with one of my children (home on medical leave from her mission) would all be in town. My brother’s wife, her sister, and my husband were also with us; we were a sizable group.
As my husband, daughter, and I were readying ourselves to travel to the nearby city where the assisted living facility was located, I received a text that one sibling of the party would be delayed by an hour. We all agreed that we would delay our arrival to accommodate their tardiness, so my husband, daughter and I rearranged our day. One of my sister’s sons had not seen my mother for many years and needed to leave in a matter of hours. It was therefore decided that he would not delay his arrival at the assisted living facility in order that he might have as much time as possible to visit with his grandmother. To respect this arrangement, and allow my nephew as much time as possible with his grandmother without interference, my husband and I sat in our vehicle in the parking lot waiting for the delayed party for nearly an hour.
As the delayed arrival time was approaching, the late party texted that they were nearly there. I texted them back that as our family had rearranged our schedules to accommodate their needs, my daughter would not be there until the newly agreed upon time. At that point, my husband and I exited our vehicle and were walking to the front entry when the delayed party drove into the parking lot. Rather than coming to the front lobby to politely await our daughter’s arrival, the delayed party slipped into a side entrance and into my mother’s room. In so doing, it now appeared as though my family was arriving late. It also robbed us of our only opportunity to organize and surprise our mother as a group, which we had agreed upon the day before in Dallas. I walked to my mother’s room, and in disappointment and frustration, said something to the entire group of her children and grandchildren and walked out.
As I exited the room, I contemplated just leaving altogether and skipping the entire event. I started to grab my husband to leave and then hesitated. I thought how heartbroken I would be if one day I found myself widowed and living alone in an assisted living facility with an opportunity to see my children and grandchildren all together for the first time in decades; and then, in an instant, through no fault of my own, see that opportunity vaporize before my eyes. That would crush me, and I knew it would do the same to my mother. I instantly realized I could not bear to treat my mother so disrespectfully. I could not be the person to steal her happiness and joy for the sake of pride.
My poor mother has not seen her four children together for nearly 25 years due to a family dispute. She has not seen my sister’s children for nearly four years, and she has never seen my sister’s children with my youngest daughter together. I knew I had to calm myself. I did not want to be that person who magnifies another's rudeness through reacting, rather than stopping it through forgiveness. By the time I had walked down the hall from my mother’s room to the gathering room, I had collected myself and decided to let my irritations go. After all, by next week, everyone would be saying, “Whew, when Tracy got there, she sure was angry, but at least she didn’t ruin everything,” rather than, “Can you believe Tracy? How horrid she was to ruin mother’s last Christmas.” (Well we hope it is not her last Christmas, but one never knows, and how awful would it be if it turned out to be her final one?) My family remained at the event; the day went off beautifully, and everyone got along. We caroled the residents, drank hot chocolate, had a family portrait taken, and left two very happy elderly family members (along with an entire facility of residents) with good cheer.
This morning as I sit in my office writing my article, I still feel the sting of frustration. I know, however, that allowing my family member's actions to influence my behavior negatively yesterday, so much so, that it would have ruined my mother’s holiday, would have been the wrong decision. In the scheme of things, I’ll get over it. In fact, I’ll get over it a lot easier than I would have gotten over losing my composure and seeing everyone's Christmas cheer fade; especially my mother’s.
As a funeral director, I regularly witness the reality of this situation in my client families. In their pasts, one sibling has done something that has caused an unfair separation within their family structures, and over the decades, families have grown apart with hate festering within their hearts. I see the pain they suffer at the funerals of their parents and the shame they feel deep within their souls. My mother will be gone from us soon. I made a decision yesterday that I didn’t want the pain and shame I so often see in my clients, in my future. Therefore, I consciously choose to change my attitude. I chose to willingly disregard the abusive and rude behavior of a family member over correcting her at a special occasion. I chose to protect my mother’s final years of life as ones filled with peace, happiness, and tranquility; to protect the integrity of her holiday experience at my own expense.
I also chose to protect my future. I know that when my mother’s time comes, I will not be sitting separated from my siblings at her funeral services. I will not be sobbing over the pain and anguish brought on through rude behavior at a family gathering. When my mother’s time comes, I will be sitting on the front pew righteously sobbing because I loved her, because I will miss her, and because I understood that in the face of adversity (especially when it involves family), pride is a bitter pill best swallowed.
The day of my mother’s death will be a sad day. The day of my mother’s funeral will likewise be a sad day; but if you are in attendance with the rest of her family and friends, you will see me, Tracy Renee Lee, sitting on the front pew, righteously crying, because yesterday, I earned it.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.