The Family Car
Tracy Lee • March 26, 2020
Quite often, the family of the decedent will forego the family car, upon the death of one of its members. It is an added expense that many think is ostentatious and unnecessary. There is, however, a very real and significant reason for this vehicle and its expense that one should seriously consider before deciding against it.
The additional expense of utilizing the funeral home’s family car can be significant. The funeral home has the expense of purchasing, maintaining, and insuring, as well as the burden of added taxes, and the additional employee hired to drive the car. As any business must, they, of course, pass those expenses on to their client families. This vehicle is an expensive piece of equipment for the funeral home to own and operate.
In understanding the expenses associated with the family car, why would a funeral home take on this expense and provide this option to its clients?
GRIEF BRIEF 64
Driving is especially dangerous during the early stages of bereavement.
One’s mind will wander, and suddenly one is where he or she was going, without noticing the drive there.
It is common for recently bereaved individuals to run traffic lights and stop signs.
Traffic reports indicate an increase in missing turns and traffic accidents during this time as well.
Be extra careful if you must drive, but it is recommended, that you engage someone else to run your errands for a while.
This past week, I witnessed first hand the wisdom of incurring the expense of the family car onto one’s funeral bill. As the service was underway, a family member arriving late to the service of her departed loved one, mistook her gas pedal for her brake. Once her vehicle began to move, thinking her foot was on her brake, she punched her petal to the floor thinking she would come to an abrupt stop. Unfortunately, she set into motion the exact opposite reaction of her desired result. She lost total control of her vehicle, and as my husband and I watched, she spun a very high-speed donut in our parking lot. Fortunately, just before her vehicle began to lose contact with the ground, she smashed into her cousin’s brand spanking new, pretty cherry red truck. The force of the impact moved his truck sideways approximately four feet and knocked my mailbox off of its perch, other than that, all in attendance were safely seated in our chapel, engulfed in their loved ones funeral service.
One might think that tardiness was the cause of this accident. Perhaps had she been just a few minutes earlier, she might not have been in such a hurry. Perhaps then, her focus would have been on her driving rather than getting into the service for which she was late. Her tardiness may indeed have contributed to the accident, but I do not believe it is what caused it. The shaken woman was utterly upset when she exited her vehicle; she was confused, dazed, and suffering enormous grief. It was her grief, in my opinion, that interfered with the safe and efficient operation of her vehicle.
When one is suffering grief, their mind is preoccupied with the death of their loved one. They are unable to concentrate as they normally would and they fail to function at their normal capacity. Have you ever wondered why corporations offer bereavement leave? It seems to be a very kind benefit, however, your workplace benefits from your absence during this time. As does driving, work related accidents increase exponentially by bereaved employees. Your inability to concentrate and function safely and accurately is too great a risk for those who might suffer from your compromised state of mind. It is to your company’s advantage that you remain home for a few days. Your absence makes the workplace a much safer environment for those who work with you. If your firm offers bereavement leave, please benefit from this gift. Likewise, utilize the benefits of the family car during your time of need.
If the woman who had the accident in my parking lot had arrived four minutes earlier to her loved one’s service, she quite possibly would have injured a considerable number of her family members. Just four minutes earlier, the parking lot had been full of people scurrying to get into the funeral service of their loved one. If she had spun out four minutes earlier, her cousin’s brand spanking new, pretty cherry red truck and my mailbox might not have been the only casualties from her accident. The scenario could have been very tragic for a family already in the throes of grief, and recovery would have become very complicated indeed.
The added expense of the family car may seem ostentatious and unnecessary, however when compared to the safety and welfare of your family and those about you, its benefits suddenly become quite possibly the most valued expense on your funeral bill.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.