The Gift of Life is a Gift of Love
Tracy Lee • March 26, 2020
As I entered the social hall at the country church, I was greeted by the man who had, four years ago, received the heart of my 14-year-old client. The young decedent’s mother has suffered tremendously at the tragic loss of her son. Her grief has been immensely painful and long-suffering, as she not only lost her son but her husband as well, just three month’s prior. She has searched, these past four years, for her son’s heart recipient, and at last, this weekend her dreams of meeting him came true.
I visited with this man and his kind wife, and we discussed their experience. Surprisingly, it was not as I had expected. He and his wife were so grateful for the gift of life they had received from my client’s death four years ago. They too had been searching as had my client’s mother, in hopes of this wonderful day’s occurrence. What I didn’t know, nor had even suspected, was that they too had mourned the loss of my client. Without even knowing him, nor the circumstances of his death, they had mourned his loss.
Of course, if I had analyzed the experience from the recipient’s perspective, I would have realized that there would be grief, maybe. I just thought that there would be such happiness at the new opportunity for returned health and life, that the grief aspect never even crossed my mind. In speaking with the recipient, I realized their experience had not been all roses as I suspected.
Exactly four years ago, they received the news that a heart was available for transplant late in the evening. They sprang into action and drove themselves through the wee hours of the morning across state lines to the hospital where the heart was waiting. This man was ill and very weak from his failing heart and found the internal fortitude to remain calm and drive himself and his wife to the hospital where he would receive a new healthy heart. They arrived, tests began, health was determined, and surgery was accomplished. The transplant was successful, but the recovery was rocky. A man already in extremely poor health was now faced with overcoming massive surgery and accepting a foreign organ into his body.
I am happy to report that today this man’s health is much better than it was four years ago, but he battles daily with remaining healthy. His body naturally wants to reject the foreign heart within his chest. He is so grateful for his life-giving heart, but it did not come without a deep price. For the past four years, he has suffered anguish and grief over the death of the young boy whose life was lost. Although he did not know his donor nor the circumstances of his death, he realized from the moment of notification, that someone had died so that he might live. His grief at times has bordered guilt even though he is innocent in the loss of my young client. When he arrived at the hospital, he was told how lucky he was to be receiving such a young heart. That statement pierced him like a knife. He knew there was a young mother who had lost a 14-year-old boy and who would now suffer unspeakable anguish. The recipient’s wife told me that he had suffered extreme grief and heartache for two and a half years, where he could not control emotional tears of guilt over the death of his donor. It has weighed heavy on him as it has my client’s mother.
I think the weekend was a good experience, a healing experience, for my client and the recipient of her young son’s heart. She was able to see the gift of life her son’s heart gave to a man and his wife, and he was able to see the woman who gave it to him. He expressed his gratitude and sorrow to her for her gift and loss, and she saw living proof that she gave the gift of life twice, through one birth. The first gift, the birth of her wee son, was wonderful and filled with great joy, happiness, and new life. The second gift, given upon the death of her son, although tragic and deeply painful, was also wonderful, and has once again delivered great joy, happiness, and new life.
The loss of a child is perhaps the most difficult to experience. It slashes the hopes and dreams of the future, robs the parents of life fulfilling love and takes with it their identity of being their child’s parent. It is excruciatingly painful and at times brings parents close to death themselves. I have witnessed the despair and anguish my client has suffered over her tragic loss for four years. While his death remains tragic, I hope that seeing the miracle of her gift will help her in some measure, overcome the complicated grief that she suffers. The gift of life is also a gift of love, Sarah has given both, twice.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.