The Third Daughter
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
It is often said that everyone has their own way of grieving. I believe that is a true statement. I had the opportunity to visit this week with a past client and her husband. They are very friendly people, and they were telling me about their recovery experience of losing their daughter. Last year as the fog of loss was lifting and acceptance was replacing it, this family was once again hit with a devastating blow. Less than a week after the loss of their daughter, they lost a second daughter. This family suffered tremendously.
As often happens in circumstances of multiple deaths, some of the family members suffered complications with grief recovery. Grief is painful and predicated upon love. Losing two daughters within one week is an experience that no parent ever wants to endure.
The mother told me that she was retiring from her work. The experience of losing her girls has changed her focus and she craves more time with her grandchildren than her work allows. The reality of her enormous loss caused her to contemplate the fragility of life, and the lack of guarantee we have of its continuance. Although it is impossible to reclaim time with her daughters, she does not want to lose time with her grandchildren. She is a grandmother who has not yet reached retirement age, however, feels quality time with her grandchildren supersedes her opportunity for retirement income. She has therefore prioritized their needs above her own, and has quested an early retirement. Loss will do that to you. Death opens your eyes and allows you to see what is most important in life. The death of two daughters allowed her to see that her time with her grandchildren is her most valuable gift in life; both to give and to receive. She has taken steps to cultivate it before it too slips away.
We spoke of her only surviving child, a daughter. This third daughter lost both of her sisters within one week; a devastating blow. She suddenly went from being one of three sisters, to being an only surviving adult child. Her experience has been challenging for her. She has withdrawn from her friends, from her family, and from her life as it was before the death of her sisters. She no longer communicates with her mother and her mother is heartbroken. I can only imagine the pain both of these women are experiencing.
My client, the mother, feels as though she has lost three daughters. Painfully, two of her daughters are in the ground, and she can no longer see or speak to them. Even more unbearable, however, is to see her third daughter, living and shopping in town, and know that she looks upon her with disdain and refuses to acknowledge her existence. She yearns to touch her daughter, to feel her warmth, and breathe in her sweet fragrance. She desires to express her love and devotion to her daughter, and pull her close to her heart and kiss her forehead. She wants to mother her daughter, but her daughter does not want to be mothered.
I have not spoken to the living daughter, but I imagine her suffering, although different, is no less painful and confusing than her mother's experience. She has lost both of her sisters. When she sees her mother, I imagine the reality of her loss rushes into her heart and becomes so unbearable that it stifles her breath. I do not know why she refuses to see or speak to her mother, but I do know that grief changes a person. It changes a person’s life. The experience of losing both of your siblings within the same week most certainly would change your life. The pain and fear it would bring might be insurmountable. I have multiple siblings; I cannot imagine losing them within the same week and becoming my parent’s only surviving child. The depth of pain and fear I would suffer might indeed cause me to react in an irrational or inexplicable manner. The energy investment for recovery might draw upon my health. It might draw upon my ability to function and interact with my friends and family. The familiarity of warmth from those I love might be too much to experience and cause me to withdraw from them. It might seem as though I am angry with them, when in reality, my love for them causes me incredible pain. Pain that presently might be too devastating to survive. I might not be able to express my behavior to them adequately, and my silence might alienate me from them. My solitude and their perception of it, might compound into reclusiveness and create a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and rejection within their hearts toward me. My grief may render me incapable of resolving these additional complications developing with the living. I might see myself as inadequate, reeling in a pit of despair and not know where to turn for assistance. The complications of multiple losses may be more than I can overcome and I might need help or counseling to recover.
The point is that I do not know why this daughter is acting as she is, I am merely speculating. My experience as a Certified Grief Counselor, however, suggests to me that it is probable that she is reacting to complicated grief and unable to control her life, her fears, and her pain. I hope that she recovers. I hope that if she needs assistance or counseling, she receives it. Grief is painful enough without suffering additional complications. I pray that this family will understand their experience and be able to draw together and provide for their needs as they travel through the difficult journey of grief recovery; that they will embrace the spirit of forgiveness, that resolution will find its way into their souls, and that peace will one day return to their homes. I hope the same for everyone who suffers debilitating grief.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.