The Value of a Funeral Director
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
In movies and books, funeral directors are quite often characterized as emotionlessly cold characters who work with the dead. In my experience, this is a gross mischaracterization. If indeed, this was the only virtue of a funeral director, his or her value would remain indisputable; however, the actual value of a funeral director runs ever so much deeper.
While it is true that funeral directors work odd hours and often for days on end without rest, this too is not their value. They stand or sleep, whichever is necessary for their client, at the ready, springing into service at the ring of their cell phones. They instantly answer the call to homes, hospitals, resident facilities, and any other location where there is a family who has just received the worst news of their lives. Upon the death of a loved one, a family cannot wait until tomorrow, or until a more convenient hour for assistance.
The funeral director offers dignity, guidance, and comfort upon arrival at the death scene. Families who have experienced the death of a loved one before may be familiar with the schedule of events; however, they are most likely unable to provide and complete the comforting and legal assistance necessary to inter dead human remains. Although in some states funeralizing your deceased loved one may flirt legality, funeral laws and state regulated health codes regarding the handling of dead human remains are protectively restrictive. An endeavor of such magnitude would not only be inadvisable; it would be injudicious. Burying one’s own may have been necessary back in the days of one’s ancestors, however, with the enlightenment of modern science, as with the plague, we now understand the dangers that accompany the handling of bodies that carry poorly understood, misdiagnosed, or undetected transferable disease. The commencement of decomposition is immediate; and in a state of grief, family members are ill prepared emotionally, psychologically, physically, and legally for such an awkward, uncomfortable, and confusingly regulated task. Additionally, at potentially every turn, emotionally charged family members might battle for control. Quite suddenly, hazardous or psychologically damaging occurrences may call for immediate mediation, protective intervention, or cautious cleanup maneuvers of unsafe exposure to issues concerning the decedent’s body. Transferable diseases, continued leakage of body fluids, purging, or dislodging skin are just a few of the potentially disastrous physical issues families may find too great to bear during their time of need.
Details surrounding the care and maintenance of dead human bodies are not often discussed, as they seem undignified and disturbing. No one wants to hear about the ick that happens to them once they cease to breathe. This is precisely why the role and value of the funeral director are underrated. If one were to discuss the true duties of a funeral director openly, families would more keenly understand their value. Certain aspects of the undertaker’s services are unseen and hidden from those who are reaping the benefits and paying the bills. This is as it should be as these aspects would be disturbing and add to the distress under which the family of the deceased is functioning. Unfortunately, the observance of this propriety weakens the recognition and overall value of the funeral director’s services.
The modern undertaker tends to prefer the title of funeral director and wears many hats. He/she is required to obtain a degree in funeral arts and sciences from an accredited university or college. They comfort survivors and protect them legally and psychologically. They assist in planning, implementing, and coordinating the survivor’s wishes for interment. They accept the custodial responsibility of the decedent, as well as, preparation and maintenance of the body. These specific responsibilities make it safe for loved ones to have their final moments with their decedent without concern of harmful or infectious diseases. They provide an acceptable memory picture of the decedent for ongoing grief assistance toward recovery. They protect the dignity of the decedent and propriety of the services. Additionally, in certain circumstances, they act as ambassadors as they prepare international transportation of decedents.
Funeral professionals are composed individuals. They serve as confidants, mediators of disputes between survivors, and they accommodate the opinions and wishes of survivors through a combination of varying traditions, rituals, and religious doctrines. They promote grief recovery through aftercare programs and provide safe places for survivors to initiate their grief experience. In a day where cremation has become a viable alternative for survivors, the funeral director’s responsibilities have seen a growth toward psychological assistance and recovery. As America’s mores shift and families become less organized, death is not experienced through degrees of kinship as it once was. Today, survivors are more likely to be ill prepared to face the harsh reality of grief, as they have not had the opportunity to experience it in baby steps. Quite often, today’s generations first experience with grief is that of grave significance. This lack of distant loss leaves them without experiences from which to grow. Their virgin grief experience is very often one of great significance. Such a loss has the potential to be catastrophic.
In this new age of social media where an atmosphere of anti-social behavior and lack of interpersonal skills are the norms; where society has shifted its preferred method of final disposition and has accepted the disorganization of the traditional family structure; the value of the funeral director becomes quite apparent. Their purpose to help guide families through the dark days of life and facilitate recovery by creating a meaningful and respectful goodbye built upon the foundation of integrity, dignity, and respect, remains unchanged. Their value, however, has seen significant change. As society's social abilities degrade to dysfunctional levels, the value of a funeral director seems to be growing exponentially.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.