USS Fitzgerald - The Co-Victims
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
This past week was a particularly sad one for our entire nation. As the world held its breath, my husband and I awaited news of the seven missing sailors on the USS Fitzgerald broadsided by the 29,000-ton container ship ACX Crystal off Japan’s Izu Peninsula. During the days that followed, we monitored social media awaiting any news from families who had loved one stationed aboard the USS Fitzgerald. As communication slowly trickled out to families anxiously awaiting word, our relief for them was great. One by one, the list of possible victims narrowed. One by one, families without word grew more and more anxious. My husband is a retired US Navy Sailor. I recall a time when I was one of those family members waiting anxiously for news of my beloved sailor.
The seven bereft families from the USS Fitzgerald live in an age where the news is everywhere. They were able to see the details of this event unfold before their very eyes half a world away. Does that make it any easier for them? I think not. Unfortunately, for these families, the deaths of their loved ones fall into two different categories. These family members will suffer the effects of sudden death as well as those of high profile deaths with heavy media coverage and speculation.
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REGRET (SUDDEN DEATH)
Sudden death can bring feelings of regret to the survivor.
Regret for things said or unsaid, actions, inactions, and lost dreams.
Counseling can serve to redirect these regrets allowing a better grief recovery experience and closure.
(Mourning Light II, Tracy Renee Lee 2016)
When the crewmembers of the USS Fitzgerald left base Friday for “routine operations” they probably experienced a “routine farewell” from family members. After all, when things are routine, they are usually mundane and do not call for any sort of special recognition. It was not as though they were leaving for a six-month deployment; right? If you have not ever realized it before, being in the military is not routine. The men and women of the US Military risk their lives each and every day at work. Their routine jobs put them in harm’s way almost every moment, even when they are on US soil. Their jobs are not like civilian jobs. Their jobs are to die so that civilians might live. Yes in truth, a service member’s job is to do whatever it takes to protect your life, up to and including sacrificing his or her own. Moreover, they are honored to do it.
The family members of the seven crew members who have lost their lives must now recover from their loss. Many will regret that their loved one walked out of the house with a “See ya when ya get back.” rather than an, “I love you and you mean the world to me.” or “Thank you for our time together. Thank you for loving our children, and me, and for being such a great dad and husband. I love you more than life itself, and I do not want you to die tomorrow. Please call in sick.” (BTW, there is no calling in sick in the US Military.) What about those who may have had an argument the day before about not being able to find all of their uniform things, or enough socks, or they didn’t like what was served for dinner? Regrets that in everyday life are nothing but silly little things, but when someone dies, turn into enormous hurdles that pierce the hearts of the survivors for the rest of their lives. These families are now faced with this scenario.
High profile deaths are usually murders, senseless deaths, or mass deaths. “They are surrounded by public curiosity and rule of law. Family members and/or co-victims must endure news reports, police interviews, public speculation, ongoing investigations, and trials. They may be caught in the lair of constantly reliving the trauma of their loss as justice tries to right the wrong they have been dealt.
They may begin suffering nightmares about the details of the death, anger toward their beloved for sustaining the death, anger toward law enforcement for an inability to establish justice, depression, helplessness, loneliness, isolation, or disbelief or hatred toward God.
These added emotions compound the functional inability of the brain and can create a long-term impact on the family member or co-victim’s character. They interfere with grief work and create complications too great for unassisted recovery. The impact may affect several generations.” (Indifferent Survivors, Tracy Rene’e Lee 2017)
The families of the seven deceased sailors must now go through life with a new identity. Not only have they suffered this horrific tragedy, they are no longer who they once were. Their recovery is forever marred by the publicity and tragedy of this case. These seven service members were members of seven American families. They were also members of the US Military and were therefore loved and respected by (I would like to say all of America, but am ashamed to say) most of America. Many of us mourn their loss and grieve for their families. For a greater number of us, this tragedy pains our souls, and although we cannot begin to feel their anguish, this weekend and for the next little while, we cry right along with them.
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CRYING
Crying is an essential element of mourning.
It releases the stress and agony suffered by the survivor.
If one finds that excessive crying is prevalent before, during, and after the death of a loved one, they should not worry.
Eventually, as life adjusts, survivors will see an improvement in their emotional strength and crying will become less episodic.
If excessive crying continues to be prevalent after a year or two following the death of a loved one, one might consider seeking out professional counseling.
(Mourning Light II, Tracy Renee Lee) 2016
Due to the nature of these tragic deaths, fathers will suffer great feelings of guilt, anger, and helplessness over the deaths of their sons. They will most likely question their role as the protector over their son’s safety, advisor over their son’s enlistments, and wonder if their sons knew how deeply they loved them. These emotions may turn bitter and spill over into other relationships pushing other loved ones from them. They may withdraw and become reclusive from their families.
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SILENT GRIEVERS (MEN)
Men are often called the silent grievers.
This is due in large measure to societal mores.
Men are taught to be strong and in complete control of their emotions.
This practice, if adhered to without leeway can end up causing prolonged and complicated grief.
This behavior can lead to lifelong suffering.
(Mourning Light II, Tracy Renee Lee 2016)
Women are usually open communicators and find greater relief in expressing their pain to their circle of supporters. Unfortunately, in such a high profile case, one’s circle of supporters may be unable to shore up the stamina to bear the enormity of such a high profile case.
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COMMUNICATION (WOMEN)
Women are more communicative than men and therefore may find it easier to express their grief openly.
An open communication plan for grief recovery facilitates recovery for the survivor.
You may find, however, that many of your friends avoid such conversation.
Their discomfort is based on witnessing your pain.
If your friends are unable to bear your sorrow, counselors are trained to listen and guide you through your road to recovery without emotional trauma or interference.
(Mourning Light II, Tracy Renee Lee 2016)
CO-VICTIMS
The families and shipmates of these seven sailors fit into a category known as Co-Victims. Co-Victims are loved ones who may potentially suffer death brought on by the ill effects of sorrowful stress due to the tragic death of their loved ones. Shipmates and war buddies formulate camaraderies akin to family structures due to the extreme stress, near-death dangers of their work, and lengthy separations from home.
“Co-Victims experience both physical and emotional responses to the deaths of their loved ones. Physically, the body will attempt to protect itself from trauma. This response is commonly known as the "Fight or Flight Response.” One may experience physical shock, disorientation, hyper-alertness (brought on by adrenaline rush), heart palpitations, nausea, vomiting, sweating, hyperventilation, difficulty breathing, tightness of chest, uncontrollable sobbing, inability to cry, a void of emotion, panic, and/or numbness. Emotionally, co-victims may respond with anger, rage, fear, terror, confusion, guilt, self-blame, shame, sorrow, frustration, humiliation, or overwhelming grief. Any or all of these responses, both physical and emotional, have the ability to overpower the brain. This creates a dangerous situation for co-victims. It thrusts them into a grave potentiality of not surviving the death of their loved one.” (Indifferent Survivors, Tracy Renee Lee 2017)
“As a funeral director, I am often asked, “What is the most important task of funeral week?” The answer may surprise you… The number one task for the survivor during funeral week is survival.” (The Most Important Task of Funeral Week, Tracy Renee Lee, 2017) For the survivors of the deceased sailors on the USS Fitzgerald and their shipmates, their number one task through this tragedy will be their own survival. The psychological impact of what has happened will cause such emotional turmoil, such enormous guilt, and such excruciating anguish that this community of mourners will indeed be in danger of losing their own lives if they do not actively engage in protecting their well-being and in seeking recovery.
It is my fervent prayer that these families take full advantage of their military benefits and seek out professional counseling. Unfortunately, parents of adult children are not covered by their service member’s military medical benefits, and if they do not have ample health coverage themselves, they may not have access to professional grief counseling. In my opinion as a licensed funeral director and certified grief counselor, all immediate family members, as well as immediate extended next of kin, should be extended the benefit of bereavement counseling under their service member’s medical benefits care package.
As a Retired US Navy Decorated Combat Veteran’s wife, former US Navy Ombudsman, and proud patriotic American, my heartfelt condolences, and those of my family, go out to these bereft families. We thank them for the service and ultimate sacrifices of their honorable sailors, and we pray for their recovery and for their future. May they feel comforted by the American people, realize support from our nation’s government, and feel the loving embrace of our Lord and Savior as they embark upon their sorrowful journey of life without their honorable beloved sailors by their sides.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.