Abiding Love
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
I have been married for nearly 30 years. In fact, next week will mark my 30th year wedding anniversary. I will tell you one thing for sure, being married is by far better than being single. Moreover, that doesn’t apply to just any day of the week; it applies to every day of the week.
My husband and I have been married far longer than we were ever single. Indeed my single life seems like a distant dream. Actually, I prefer it that way. Being a single adult for me was not the best part of my life. Being a married adult has been the best part.
Being happily married enriches one’s life beyond measure. One experiences an increase in companionship, love, income, prosperity, and posterity. When I became a wife, my adult life became wonderful. I had my companion with me to share life and all of its joys. I also had my companion with me when I would experience sadness and disappointments. Somehow having my husband share the hard times in my life made them seem less significant. My husband is a strong man physically, as well as psychologically. He is a well-trained warrior, strategist, instructor, protector, and provider. He is a man who loves his family and will fight the fiercest foes to ensure the safety of his wife, his children, and his grandchildren. He is loving and kind, but at the drop of a hat, or the hint of danger, he springs into action and neutralizes whatever threatens us. These characteristics of his personality have made my life very stable and comfortable. I have experienced wonderful years with him, and I am grateful for them.
As a funeral director, I see women daily who are in the crisis of losing their husbands. They are in the throes of disorganization and are faced with reorganizing their lives. They are experiencing loss of income, loss of companionship, loss of stability, loss of love, loss of companionship, and loss of security. These losses are not only scary; they are detrimental to one's health.
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STRESSFUL IMPACT
Grief is stressful.
Stress has a negative impact on one's immune system.
When suffering the loss of a loved one, it is a good idea to notify your primary care physician if you have existing physical, psychological or emotional conditions.
(Mourning Light I, 2015)
Once a survivor begins to understand that they are experiencing extreme stress, they may devise a plan to avoid this experience. Avoidance has never been a good plan of action under any circumstances. Avoidance allows issues to grow without control. A survivor who chooses to avoid the stress of loss is actually delaying the grief experience. Delayed grief becomes quite complicated as time progresses and the survivor may find that they have created a scenario that may be impossible to right.
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DELAYING GRIEF
Delaying your grief does not eradicate it.
Delaying your grief only serves to extend and exacerbate your experience.
Delayed grief becomes complicated grief.
Once a survivor enters into a state of complicated grief, other issues come into play.
Often a survivor suffering complicated grief develops physical ailments.
These ailments, if left unattended, can turn into disease.
The same holds true for psychological ailments.
Even with treatment, if the underlying issue of grief is not addressed, these issues will become recurring.
(Mourning Light I, Tracy Renee Lee, 2015)
At some point during the recovery process, the survivor must come to terms that he/she must rebuild their identity. A survivor is no longer living in a companionship situation. They are most likely living alone or as a single parent at this juncture.
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REBUILDING ONESELF
Recovering from grief often entails the rebuilding of oneself.
If one has been in a marriage for fifty years or so, their identity has generally morphed into that of a couple.
Being alone after such a long period of time may take quite an adjustment.
(Mourning Light I, Tracy Renee Lee, 2015)
During the process of rebuilding oneself, survivors often feel resentment at the necessity of this task. They may even experience anger toward their former spouse. Most survivors will realize that their anger is a by-product of their frustration and will eventually overcome it. The process of rebuilding brings with it wonderful opportunities for self-development, self-expression, and individual growth. Some survivors, however, become very resentful and lost in this cycle and have a very difficult time overcoming it.
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DEVELOPING NEW SKILLS
Many survivors resent having to develop new skills that were once performed by their deceased loved one.
This is a normal reaction to your loss.
The key to recovery is to either learn the skill yourself or find someone who will do it for you.
In both scenarios, your reward is growth, either personally or socially.
In both circumstances, your movement toward recovery is positive.
(Mourning Light I, Tracy Renee Lee, 2015)
As I assist widows in my daily practice of funeral service, I inwardly evaluate myself. I find that I dread the day that my husband will leave this life and make me a widow. I assume this will be the case as it is statistically sound. I try to fortify myself mentally by planning step by step strategies to engage myself in the service of my posterity. It is a fools errand though and I know it.
When my husband dies, I will be overcome with grief. It 's hard for me now when he is gone for any extended length of time. In fact, I often wonder how we ever survived his years in the military. West Pacs and wartime were challenging and unbelievably stressful. It is a fact that those days were the absolute worst days of my life. Not knowing whether he lay injured on some sandy shore or on sweltering desert sands was absolutely unbearable. The suffering I endured was crushing to my soul. I was so grateful when he returned back to me whole and just as wonderful as ever.
I will never forget those days of pain, worry, fear, stress, and loneliness. I will never forget the relief of his return. As I experience the daily pain of the widows that come into my funeral home, I cannot quell the worries that surface within my heart about my future. I know that pain, anxiety, fear, stress, and loneliness will one day be my unwelcome companions again. They will either be my companions or my husband’s should I pass first. Either way, I hate that one of us will be left behind without the other. Even now, these thoughts see tears streaming down my cheeks.
I love my husband with my very soul, and I don’t know how I ever lived, or will ever live again without him. My comfort, though, is that I know my Savior lives and that he prepared a way for me to be reunited with my husband after death in his holy kingdom of heaven. I know that families are forever, that death is a temporary separation, and that love is eternal. I have every confidence that should my husband die before I do, that he will be at the gates of heaven to greet me and welcome me back into his loving embrace as soon as I cease to draw breath.
That is what comforts me. That is how I get through my day of assisting widows and children who have lost their parents and grandparents. That is how I get through my day when a young mother and father come through my door upon the loss of their tiny infant. I see the pain of loss every moment of my work day. I feel the anguish experienced by my clients. I know, though, with every fiber of my being that one day, they will reunite with their loved ones, and happiness will once again fill their souls. If I did not know this, I would not make it as a funeral director. The pain of seeing others suffer devastating loss day after day would be too great to bear.
I am thankful for the Lord’s saving grace, his plan of salvation, and the opportunity I have to partake of it. Without it, hope would be lost. I would be lost.
I pray that when the day comes that my husband or I die, the survivor will be able to overcome the devastation that we will experience over our loss, and that we will rely upon or Lord and Savior to guide us back to each other in his abiding love and presence. I hope the same for you too.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.