Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
Did you know that the United States of America has an official proclamation, signed by President Ronald Regan in 1988, that declares October to be “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month”? Do you wonder why we need a month dedicated to this type of loss while other types of loss are not set apart for specific recognition by national observance?
I was reading a post on social media this weekend, written by a father who, six years ago, lost his infant child. This father wrote of his arrival at the ballpark to watch one of his other children’s soccer games. As he parked his car, he suddenly found himself trapped in his vehicle. He was imprisoned in a world of tearful grief; his soul engulfed with the excruciating pain of his loss. He wrote that other parents supporting the team did not know of the invisible pain surrounding his life. His agony was very profound.
The loss of a child is the most significant loss known to mankind. Miscarriage, in particular, is tragically devastating due to the involvement of guilt, uncertainty, and the lack of recognition by society. “If I had a magic wand, I would erase miscarriage from the human experience. Unlike any other death, miscarriage is the loss of life within a living being’s body. It is the utter violation of self-trust, self-confidence, and self-value.
Recovery from a miscarriage is not limited to a normal or even a complicated grief experience. It may encompass recovery from physical ailments brought on through pregnancy and the organs involved. Miscarriage may create an extremely complicated and often dangerous situation for the mother as well. Indeed, one’s baby may not be the only life at risk.” (Mourning Light II, Tracy Reneé Lee, 2016)
The dad’s post this weekend was powerful. His statement of invisible pain brings to light the complexities parents face upon the death of a child. The intensity of one’s grief is predicated upon the level of love and involvement invested upon the decedent. There is no greater investment of love than that bestowed upon one’s child. It is inherent upon the divine gift of procreation.
Pain is usually visible by the expression or manner of the sufferer. Pain causes us to cry, wince, limp and complain. On the other hand, survivors often choose to mask their pain. They may try to bury it as they do their loved one’s body. Due to the small reach of an infant’s social circle, his or her death and even his or her existence are often unknown to the parent’s casual friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and colleagues. Things that do not affect our lives are insignificant to us. Unfortunately, an infant falls within this category.
The question we need to answer is, “How do we help?”
Acknowledge the Loss
The first and most helpful thing we can do for a parent who has lost a child is to acknowledge the loss. Simply say: “I’ve heard, and I’m sorry.” These simple words release the parent from having to articulate their loss when they may not even be able to utter the simple salutation, hello.
Demonstrate Compassionate Support
If words are too difficult to express, a simple squeeze of the hand or light touch to the arm expresses your support and sorrow without painful articulation.
Silence is Golden
Allow the survivor to share his or her experience when ready. One of the greatest gifts you can offer is to listen.
Do Not Judge or Speculate
Parents often self-blame for the loss of an infant. Do not support or contribute to self-blaming as it leads to self-loathing. A parent suffering from self-loathing needs professional intervention. They are in grave danger of self-harming.
Why is the loss of a child like no other? The loss of one’s child is the loss of one’s self. One’s child is our only creation that encompasses both physical and spiritual entities. The creation of physical bodies to house God’s spirit children is a Holy privilege that transcends the comprehension of many mortal minds. In order to understand the anguish of this loss, we must understand our relationship and obligations to our Creator: God. His desire for us to not only fulfill our purpose on earth but to extend that gift to those who have yet lived is profoundly celestial. Our duty to protect the avenues of health and opportunity for our children is formulated and provided within the profound and undeniable love a parent has for his or her children. Failure to successfully complete our partnership with God’s eternal plan through sharing the gift of life is devastating to all who enter into its opportunity. We not only mourn the loss of our creation, the physical presence of our child: we mourn the loss of promise, the soul or spiritual being within our child. Our child’s opportunity for the fulfillment of life, for joy, and purpose has been thwarted. We mourn our dreams and our future goals for happiness. The unintentional failure to successfully provide and sustain the life of our child causes us to writhe in agony.
The miscarriage or loss of an infant child is labeled as a non-loss or an insignificant loss. The father’s statement on social media this weekend demonstrates why we need a proclamation from our president to set aside one month per year to recognize the loss and miscarriage of infant children. The loss of a child is like no other. It is the most difficult pain a human being will ever endure. There is no experience in life that can ever relieve or nullify the ferocity of its sorrow. This loss does not just break a parent’s heart; it breaks a parent’s life.
If you or someone you love has experienced pregnancy loss or the loss of an infant child, my heart cries for you; my soul prays for you, and my goal is to change the world’s perception of your experience from an insignificant or non-loss to a profoundly significant one.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.