Classifications of Grief
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020
Through my years of work as a funeral practitioner and certified grief counselor, I have found that most people suffering loss do not realize that there are various classifications of grief. I have also found that most do not understand the time table and personal commitment that grief requires for recovery.
Before I entered my profession, I would marvel at widows who had survived their spouses by 20 years or more, who were able to continue in life with joy and fulfillment, and who dedicated themselves to the service of others. I used to wonder if there were a magic pill or a magic formula they had happened upon and hoped beyond reason that should I one day become a widow, that I would find their secrets of harmonious survival. I hope that I never have to survive life without my husband by my side for decades on end, but one never knows, and if it happens that I must, I pray that I will dwell in peace until my time without him ends.
WHAT IS GRIEF
Grief is the uncontrollable and natural reaction experienced upon the death of someone to whom a bond or affection has been formed. It affects the survivor physiologically (the body’s functions), emotionally (one’s feelings), spiritually (one’s soul), and psychologically (the health of one’s mind).
PHYSIOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF
Grief imposes physical symptoms upon the living. Survivors suffer extreme fatigue, nausea, headaches, food aversions, sleep deprivation, dizziness, sun sensitivity, loss of motivation, pain, and severe illness directly related to grief.
Grief increases inflammation. Inflammation exacerbates existing health problems and opens the door for new ones to creep in.
Grief batters the immune system causing vitality depletion and vulnerabilities to infection. It also raises blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. If unchecked, it can usher in strokes.
EMOTIONAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF
Sadness is the most common feeling experienced during bereavement. Persons who block sadness with excessive activity find that their sadness surfaces once they are exhausted. Exhaustion renders one less able to overcome the intensity of sadness. Loneliness, fear, worry, etc. wield a significant blow to the emotional stability of a survivor.
SPIRITUAL EFFECTS OF GRIEF
Religious beliefs are often called into question at a time of loss. Some find it helpful to speak with a faithful friend or their clergy for added strength during this time. Still, others find it best to rely on quiet faith.
PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECT OF GRIEF
If one’s emotional health continues to falter, one may suffer increasing psychological effects associated with their grief. Helplessness, depression, and loss of hope may lead to mental illness or suicide.
The effects of grief can be severe, and it is paramount that should you witness someone suffering exaggerated grief that you immediately enlist professional assistance for the survivor.
TYPES OF GRIEF
INTENSE GRIEF
Intense grief is normal following the loss of a loved one.
Grief remains intense during adaptation to the loss and the realization of a new reality of life.
Prolonged intense grief can alter the heart muscle.
ACUATE GRIEF
Acute grief occurs in the early onset of loss. It often dominates the life of the survivor and robs them of their peace.
Yearning, longing, sorrow, preoccupation of thoughts, bitterness, and vivid memories associated with the deceased are typical feelings that fuel acute grief. Additionally, painful emotions, anxiety, anger, remorse, guilt, and shame are common during acute grief.
Survivors suffering the effects of acute grief usually focus on avoiding thoughts and activities that trigger their pain. They typically focus their energies on thoughts of the deceased. It can be difficult for them to think of anything or anyone else.
INTEGRATED GRIEF
Integrated grief is when the survivor has advanced to a place where his/her grief resides in his/her heart but does not dominate or cause an inability to enjoy life. Grief does not, however, disappear.
As a survivor adjusts to his/her new reality of life without the decedent, grief eventually morphs from a living pain to a loving memory.
It is at this juncture that loss-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have integrated into a survivor’s ability to normalize functioning. It is where grief no longer dominates the survivor’s existence. It is the point at which the survivor has skillfully learned how to control thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so that he/she more positively affects his/her experience and allows him/herself to remember and honor his/her loved one.
Integrated grief ushers inward peace into the heart of the survivor, where he/she can build a relationship with his/her decedent where comfort, love, and peace can co-exist.
COMPLICATED GRIEF
Complicated grief is a persistent, intense grief where the survivor is caught in a cycle of dysfunctional behaviors and relentless inability to come to terms with the facts of death.
Continued yearning, longing, preoccupation of thoughts, sadness, and unrealistic expectations consume the life of the survivor. The survivor suffers feelings of emptiness, and his/her future expectations are bleak. He/she feels lost and alone. Irrational thoughts and wishing persist, even up to expectations that the decedent might reappear.
Complicated grief occurs when adaptation is interrupted by interference. Interference with recovery can allow acute grief to persist for extended periods of time. Intense emotional pain opens the door for complicated grief to take hold.
A survivor suffering complicated grief loses sight of forward movement and recovery. A future without their loved one seems eternally dark, dreary, and dismal. They are unable to realize, on their own, that there is a path to recovery.
Complicated grief increases the risk of physical and mental illnesses. Depression, anxiety, sleep and eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors are prevalent in complicated grief experiences. Physical ailments increase for those who suffer complicated grief in the form of heart attacks and strokes, high blood pressure and blood clots, and cancer.
Exercising, spending time in nature, adequate sleep, and talking to loved ones can help with physical and mental health issues related to normal grief; however, survivors suffering complicated grief are unable to recover without professional assistance.
EXAGGERATED GRIEF
Clinical depression, substance abuse, and phobic behavior are all associated with exaggerated grief. Survivors suffering from exaggerated grief need the assistance of medical practitioners immediately.
SYNOPSIS
In a perfect world, intense and acute grief should ebb toward integrated grief within six months. If, after six months, a survivor has not experienced any form of improvement in their emotional health, or has experienced deepening degrees of physiological or psychological instabilities, a medical specialist, in either or both fields, should be immediately considered.
It is important to note that drugs do not cure grief; they merely treat the diseases caused by it or mask the reality of it. Without adequate recovery from grief, one will continue to see recurring ailments indefinitely.
Love is a communion of the heart, a selfless joining of souls. We endure the sufferings of grief because we have enjoyed the privileges and spiritual gift of love. Grief is a wound to the soul and thereby appropriately requires spiritual healing. The underlying spiritual wound of grief can only be healed by reinvesting oneself in selflessness through service to and love for others.
Now that I have been a certified grief counselor and funeral practitioner for a length of time, I understand that grief recovery requires a time table accompanied by personal commitment. However, through my experience of witnessing grief recovery, I now understand that the healing of one’s soul involves maintenance of the spirit. It is a higher power than our own that brings this miraculous healing into our beings.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.