The Season Approaches
Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020
The holiday season seems to have come a week or two early for me. Every year is like the year before — each consisting of the same traditions, the same festivities, and the same schedule. I don’t know how it has sneaked up on me. I usually have all of my Christmas shopping done by now, and my Thanksgiving and Christmas parties all planned. This year is different though, I’m behind on everything.
I have so much to be grateful for a loving husband, wonderful children, adorable grandchildren, and great friends. I live in the greatest country on earth, I enjoy the freedoms guaranteed me through the American constitution, and I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. What then is weighing on me?
I know perfectly well what is weighing on me. It is my attitude. I have endured the loss of family and friends this year, and I don’t want to do the work to overcome it. I have let time pass, ignoring my pain and sadness, as if I thought the passage of time would magically erase it.
Grief Brief 281
Recovery Cultivation
The passage of time cannot be counted on to relieve the sufferings of grief.
This is especially applicable to spousal bereavement.
To obtain and sustain love, one must actively seek, cultivate, and nurture it.
Grief recovery, like love, is not obtained through passive means.
One must desire, seek, and cultivate their own recovery.
Those who share their love, rather than withhold it, seem to adjust to life without their loved one more easily. Mourning Light III, 2019)
Now that the holidays are upon me, I realize I should have pushed other things to the side and cultivated my recovery. Until I face my grief head-on and begin the process of willfully seeking grief recovery, I, like many others, will suffer the inevitability of recurring grief.
GRIEF BRIEF 83
GRIEF RECOVERY SUCCESS
Success in moving through grief depends on your willingness to recover.
If you are the type of person that enjoys or thrives on being a victim, you will most likely travel very slowly through recovery.
You must decide that you want to recover; that you are willing to move your loved one into a memory, and that you are going to overcome your heartache.
Without these decisions, you will remain trapped within your recurring grief cycle indefinitely. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
The holidays are especially difficult for those suffering grief. It feels as though the suffering increases 100 fold.
GRIEF BRIEF 58
SPECIAL DAYS
Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are incredibly stressful for survivors of loss.
The anticipation of these critical dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself.
If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
Realizing that I have placed myself in a somewhat difficult holiday season, I will turn to those who can help me the most.
GRIEF BRIEF 38
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Family and friends can be an excellent resource for grief recovery.
Traveling to visit loved ones in other areas or having them visit the survivor, offers companionship that is familiar, uplifting, and relative to their life’s experiences. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
After all, Thanksgiving and Christmas are centered around friends, family, and traditions. Therefore, I have restructured some of our family traditions and developed a few new ones for this time of year. I find that traditions help me enjoy my season through comforting familiarity.
GRIEF BRIEF 42
TRADITIONS
Traditions are an excellent tool for grief recovery.
Observing traditions that were once enjoyed with the deceased helps us accept that they are gone from us physically, yet with us still, through the activities and love we shared.
Such activities, now traditions, will aid your family by anchoring them securely to their heritage.
Observing traditions stabilizes a family through loss, expansion, and changing environments. (Mourning Light I, 2016)
After writing this article, evaluating my situation and deciding to change my attitude, I feel better about the season. My family and friends will share their warmth and joy with me, and in turn, I will relax and enjoy my time with them. I will enjoy a bonus this year. My daughter and her husband will seal their bonds of holy matrimony just before Thanksgiving. I look forward to this experience and know that it will bring great joy to our family.
Life is a miraculous gift filled with remarkable experiences that bring joy and sometimes sadness. It is up to us to decide whether that sadness will crush us or strengthen us. I choose joy, happiness, strength, and family as the major players in my life. I will overcome grief and sadness by changing my attitude and actively cultivating recovery.
I realize that I am blessed beyond my comprehension through the gift of a wee babe born in a manger. His purpose was to change the world and save God’s children from eternal death and misery. He is the light that shines in all goodness, and he will one day raise the dead.
I look forward to that day. The day when you and I will live again in peace with our departed loved ones. What a glorious day that will be.
Happy holidays dear friends. I hope that you are joyful and not grieving; but, if grief weighs upon you, please seek recovery and find your way back to the Savior’s love and peace. Enjoy your time with loved ones, and discover the comfort in traditions as you experience and celebrate the gifts of the most wonderful time of year.
One more thing, if, at any time, you feel overwhelmed, please take a break and regain your focus on the good things in life. If you are unable to shake your grief and it becomes stifling, please call 911 and ask for immediate assistance. The holidays are for experiencing joy, not a loss. You matter, and even though you may not realize it, someone loves you and is depending on you to be there with them as they travel the highway of life.
For those who mourn; recovery is my Christmas wish.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life’s work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.