I once directed a service where there were four ex-wives, as well as a current wife. There were awkward moments throughout the funeral week, but in the end, everything worked out fine. Tomorrow, I will direct a funeral for a young man who has died before his time. He is divorced but leaves behind young children and extended family who love him. They grieve his loss very deeply.

This young man also leaves behind a number of girlfriends who did not realize that they shared their boyfriend amongst themselves. This situation has created a great deal of awkwardness, pain, and creative service arrangements. How fortunate for them, that the decedent’s mother is willing to arrange a private time for each of them to be with him before he is placed in the earth for final rest. An unexpected death can, and often does, reveal secret lives.

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COMPLICATION

TABOO RELATIONSHIPS

Taboo relationships present difficult grief recovery situations for surviving lovers and surviving family members.

If the taboo relationship was unaccepted or unknown by the decedent’s family, the surviving lover may find resentment or exclusion greets them as they approach the surviving family.

They may find that they are not welcome at services or mentioned in the obituary.

Taboo relationships may include infidelity, same-sex attraction, pedophilia attraction, underclass attraction, and associations with lawless individuals.

If you find yourself in this type of situation, you might look for support from others who knew and accepted your relationship with the decedent.

If this is not possible, a therapist who specializes in these types of grief relationships may be your best option. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Death is often accompanied by anger. Survivors generally experience anger over bills, loss of income, loneliness, frustration, etc. In most cases, anger dissipates as the survivor identifies the causes and overcomes them. These women, unaware of their boyfriend’s infidelity in life, must now grieve his loss while confronting the unwelcome deception he has thrust upon them. Deception is difficult to resolve at any time in life, but when accompanied by loss it can present complications that may require assistance from grief recovery specialists.

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(GRIEF WORK)

ANGER

Anger during bereavement may express itself from demonstrative outbursts of extreme rage to quiet or mild annoyance.

Widows and widowers alike often feel anger at the disruption and loneliness in their lives.

Quite often, they need to learn new skills that were once their spouse’s responsibility.

Anger should subside as the survivor learns new skills and adjusts to their new role in caring for themselves.

Unfortunately, survivors will often feel guilty over their anger.

One should realize that this is a normal response to loss and that it does not infer that they did not love or appreciate their loved one.

More often than not, anger is brought on through frustration.

Once the frustrating issue is resolved, the anger should dissipate. (Mourning Light II, 2016)

These girlfriends face a unique challenge. How do they recover from their boyfriend’s death now that they have learned that their relationships were not as he represented? Each must attempt to recover from a relationship laced with deception and lies without his presence to rectify his actions. Their anger will be intense and not easily remedied. If they find it unresolvable, they run the risk of extreme complications. Self-doubt, self-loathing, embarrassment, and depression will haunt them and they must find a way beyond it.

GRIEF BRIEF 24

(STAGE OF GRIEF)

ANGER

Anger is common among the bereaved.

It is generally brought on through anxiety, panic, and frustration.

It is important to properly direct anger at the grim reaper rather than toward others.

Realizing that the absence of your loved one has caused your emotional issues will help you move beyond the anger and develop the necessary skills for recovery.

The most dangerous adaptation to intense anger is to turn on oneself.

Mourners who inflict their anger on themselves run the risk of developing self-loathing and in more severe cases, may fall prey to suicide.

If you are suffering extreme anger for an extended time and find that you are unable to control yourself emotionally or physically, consider seeking immediate assistance. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

If these women find that their anger is becoming ragingly irrational, I suggest immediate intervention through the assistance of licensed grief counselors and/or mental health practitioners. This type of anger, if left unchecked, can lead to extreme depression with extreme consequences.

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DEPRESSION

Depression is not a normal part of grief; it is a complication that interferes with recovery and raises the risk of serious illness.

Depression can be distinguished by trained counselors by looking for specific emotional patterns.

“In normal grief, the sad thoughts and feelings typically occur in waves or bursts followed by periods of respite, as opposed to the persistent low mood and agony of major depressive disorder.” (Sidney Zisook, MD, University of CA, SD)

Survivors experiencing normal grief usually retain their self-esteem, sense of humor, and their capacity to be consoled or distracted from the pain.

Depression evokes internal struggles of guilt and worthlessness, as well as limiting one’s ability to experience or anticipate pleasure or joy.

Depression is dangerous and should be treated by a mental health care professional. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Seeking assistance from the beginning is better than suffering through the anguish of deception. Depression brought on through these circumstances may lead to suicide. Do not assume that a survivor’s depression, especially in this scenario, is fleeting or of little concern. In any scenario of despair, but especially one infused with deception, one should immediately seek counseling. “Do not take the responsibility of helping a survivor through depression solely upon yourself. Depression needs to be treated by a professionally trained physician.” (Mourning Light I, Grief Brief 14, 2016}

My heart goes out to each of these women. I hope and pray that those who love them and who are close to them will be able to assist them through the difficulties that await them. As they travel this tough road of grief recovery laced with deception, I hope that they will each find their way around the pain, anguish, and depression that awaits them. I hope they find a new life filled with peace, joy, and love.

As we enter this holiday season, if you know of someone who is suffering loss or pain, I hope you will find it within yourself to reach out and offer a heart of compassion. The birthday of our Savior is a magnificent time of year and each of us deserves love, assistance, and compassion.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

For additional encouragement, please visit my podcast “Deadline” at https://open.spotify.com/show/7MHPy4ctu9OLvdp2JzQsAA or at https://anchor.fm/tracy874 and follow me on Instagram at "Deadline_TracyLee".