Expectations Great and Small
Tracy Lee • May 21, 2020
As I sat in church beside my dear cousin, she leaned over and whispered to me, “You should write about mourning expectations in your article.” After church, she asked me to accompany her to her home. My cousin is a world famous quilter and she graciously quilts lovely gifts for those she loves. I am one of her fortunate recipients.
As we stood in her sewing room, we took a moment to talk about the expectations and realities of our lives. As children, she and I both lived near our current homes in a tiny East Texas town. As teens, we were privileged to briefly room together while attending college. We both vowed that we would live outside of East Texas for the rest of our lives.
My cousin married an FBI agent and raised her five sons in wonderful cities across the United States. She worked the graveyard shift making donuts so that during the day she could be home with her boys and help make ends meet. I married a career United States sailor and raised our three daughters in San Diego CA. I did daycare so that I could stay home with my girls and help make ends meet. We both homeschooled our children.
I am not sure where I thought I would live out my days, and I do not know if my cousin had a specific destination in mind either, but the realities of life find us living out our retirements in this tiny town to which we vowed never to return.
My cousin’s grandmother is my great-grandmother and my grandmother is her aunt. They were self-sacrificing and worked beside their husbands helping to make ends meet. They lived out their latter days, here, in this tiny town.
As young women embarking on independence, my cousin and I had great expectations for our lives. As grandmothers, we review our choices and wonder how they brought us back to the place we were so happy to leave. To the casual eye, our great expectations seem to have ended small, and that interpretation troubles my cousin. She mourns the dreams and expectations set by her heart so long ago.
Loss causes psychological, emotional, and spiritual mourning. Its impact will correlate directly with its degree of attachment and may range from mildly painful to extremely devastating. Recovery, however, indiscriminately sets forth a table of tasks that must be satisfied for recovery.
Grief Brief 18
Tasks of Mourning
1. Accept the reality of loss
2. Process the pain of loss
3. Adjust to the world without the deceased
a. Internally
b. Externally
c. Spiritually
4. Find an enduring connection with the deceased in your new life without them.
(Worden, Mourning Light 2016)
Through analysis, we discover that the Tasks of Mourning apply equally to all loss. Its recovery key is attitude.
My cousin and I have a choice. We can choose to look at ourselves as failures, wondering where we went wrong; or, we can review our paths, and discover our motivations for returning home. Without a change of attitude, we will wither away in bitterness as sorrowful and broken old women. Changing our attitudes, allows us to analyze our motivations and successfully accomplish the Tasks of Mourning. Upon completion, we will realize greater realities than expectation ever perceived.
Reality is not the deceiver; people choose deception. We believe that reality will be too painful, and therefore, avoid it. Avoiding reality and truth only leads to greater turmoil, unhappiness, complications, illnesses, and eventually death. Avoidance is a game well avoided.
No one made me or my cousin return here, it was our choice. Why then would we choose something that before was inconceivable to us? To understand our choices, we must understand the layers of our lives. Our pact to never return to this tiny town was made by inexperienced youthful minds. As our lives materialized, our personalities and values exerted themselves. Through our hardships and successes, we relied heavily upon the influences of those we loved: in particular, our parents and our grandmothers.
Our grandmothers assisted our parents in shaping and instilling our value systems. As we became wives and mothers, we often relied upon these concepts and values in raising our children. We mimicked our grandmother’s work ethics in assisting our husbands’ make ends meet by working within our homes while raising our children. Moreover, like our grandmothers, we have moved back to this tiny town.
When I review my youthful expectations through the eyes of a mature woman, their greatness pales. When I look at the realities of my life, I understand my grandmother’s love for me, the sacrifices she made for me, and the lessons she taught me. I also see her patterns repeating through me. I understand that realities gloriously surpass youth’s expectations.
My cousin and I are fortunate women. We have a heritage that can never be taken from us. We know who we are, where we came from, and that we are loved. Our grandmothers secured that legacy through their sacrifices in this tiny town, and my cousin and I now do the same.
In this world of lost souls, lost values, and lost morals, the gifts of family, love, and home are the true realities of heritage. They are the legacy we inherited, and they are the gifts we protect and pass on to our children by returning and living in this tiny East Texas town. A legacy unperceived by youthful expectations but the glorious reality through the maturity of life.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am the owner and Managing Funeral Director of Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City, Texas. I am an author, syndicated columnist, and Certified Grief Counselor. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and grief briefs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate audiences toward positive recovery.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.