Helping Children Grieve
Tracy Lee • May 21, 2020
Last week, I assisted a family to bury their patriarch. Three months prior, they had buried his son. Two deaths so closely connected create a nightmare grief experience for their loved ones. In this family, a young grandson suffered immensely.
The visitation took place the evening before the burial. The young grandson was very upset and his mother comforted him numerous times. At the graveside, he was inconsolable. His heart was broken. He was young but old enough to realize from the previous experience of losing his uncle, that this experience would be devastating, and that it would sting for a very long time. He grasped at time and would not leave his grandfather’s casket. Eventually, with a sobbing heart of her own, his mother pulled him away so that the grave could be closed.
It was a brutal winter’s day in East Texas. The icy rain pinged on the steel as his grandfather’s casket lowered out of view. As the mother pulled her son away, he fought to stay with his grandpa. With arms outstretched toward the casket he cried, “I’m not ready, I’m not ready.”
His face was drawn with pain and every fiber of his body fought to keep the reality of time still. He dreaded that moment when the earth would settle over his grandpa’s grave and seal their separation for the remainder of his days. He could not bear it yet was forced to surrender to it.
I fear for this young boy. His father is very ill. The closeness of significant male deaths in his young life has brought a reality that most are ill-equipped to endure. Were his father to suffer grave consequences, he would be in danger of unbearable pain. My fear would be that should his body endure the stress, his coping skills would fail.
At this point in his young life, I would suggest professional grief counseling. Without it, his recovery is bleak. He is too young to have significant loss experiences from which to draw, and with his father’s looming ill health, he needs immediate assistance.
Children are not immune to grief. By virtue of their youth, they lack life’s experiences and are thereby less equipped to successfully traverse this trial. It is, therefore, incumbent upon parents, and other adults, vested in the child’s welfare, to step forward, and through example and counseling, assist the child through the rigors of grief recovery.
SUPPORTING A CHILD THROUGH GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT
After a loss, children need support, stability, honesty, and reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an adult, you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating that it is okay to be sad and helping them make sense of their loss.
Always answer a child’s questions as truthfully as you can. Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child. Children often blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not at fault.
Open communication will smooth the way for a child to express distressing feelings. Sometimes, as adults, dialogue can be difficult when we have suffered a loss. Encouraging the child to express themselves through stories, games, and artwork promotes free expression that a parent or other adult may evaluate for clues about how they are coping.
EXPRESSION OF GRIEF
The range of reactions that children display in response to death may include one or more of the following.
Emotional Shock
Allows the child to detach from the pain.
Regressive (Immature) Behaviors
Indicate extreme stress, frustration, and trauma.
Explosive Emotions and Acting Out Behavior
Reflect the child’s internal feeling of anger, terror, frustration, helplessness, and insecurity.
Asking the Same Questions Over and Over
Indicates the information is shocking and difficult to believe or accept.
HOW TO HELP A GRIEVING CHILD
Allow your child, how ever young, to attend the funeral is he or she wants to.
Convey your spiritual values about life and death, or pray with your child.
Meet regularly as a family to find out how everyone is coping.
Help children find ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person.
Keep your child’s daily routine as normal as possible.
Pay attention to the way a child plays. Play can be a child’s primary source of communication.
HELPING CHILDREN COPE
Allow children to talk about their grief. Be a good listener.
Not every child understand death in the same way. Each child is different and their views are unique.
Allow children time to grieve in their own way. Pressing children to resume “normal” activities before they are ready may prompt additional problems.
Do not lie or tell half-truths. Lies do not help children heal or develop effective coping strategies.
Help children understand loss and death. Give the child information that is age appropriate, understandable, and simple in nature.
Encourage children to ask questions. Be respectful and help them find their own answers.
Children may not grieve in a predictable way. We all grieve in our own unique ways.
Let children know that you want to understand their feelings and needs. Sometimes children are upset but cannot tell you what will be helpful.
Allow children to formulate conclusions. Giving them time and encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings may help them organize the information and develop understanding.
Allow children to cry. Scientific studies indicate that crying may have healing potential. The chemical imbalances caused by stress may be leveled out by the removal of toxic substances through tears.
COMMUNICATION FACTS
Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They hear about it in fairy tales, see it on television, and act it out in their video games.
Not talking about something does not mean we are not communicating. To a child, avoidance can be a message, “If mom or dad cannot talk about something, it must be really bad.”
If we permit children to talk to us about death we can give them needed information, prepare them for a crisis, and help them when they are upset.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), the Managing Funeral Director (FDIC,) and owner of Queen City Funeral Home in Queen City, Texas. I am an author and syndicated columnist. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and grief briefs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. I deliver powerful messages and motivate survivors toward positive recovery.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.