Factors for Grief Recovery
Tracy Renee Lee • May 26, 2020
Grief is the natural pain one experiences upon the death of a loved one. It is not an invisible virus floating on puffs of air. It is not transmitted through droplet spray nor by touching contaminated surfaces. Grief is brought on when one is robbed permanently of the physical presence of a human being who has significantly participated in his/her life and who has deeply touched his/her soul.
Death is not the ultimate adversity. It takes from us of that which we desire most, the physical presence of our loved one; a person upon whom we rely, and someone with whom our life is intertwined.
The pain inflicted upon us at the death of this significant person is natural, excruciating (in some cases debilitating), and very real.
Upon significant loss, what does one draw upon for strength and recovery?
Some may turn to their primary care physician for medical assistance. This seems logical, however, grief is not a medical condition. This enormous fact thereby renders a physician of medical arts largely ineffective. A medical doctor will, in most circumstances, prescribe medicine to act upon his patient’s ailments. Medicine acts upon physiological ailments. Grief may cause physiological ailments, however, grief is the underlying cause, not the ailment itself. Therefore, medicine may act upon the ailments brought on by grief, however, the underlying cause of the ailments remains. If the underlying cause, grief, remains unresolved, the survivor will again realize recurring physiological ailments.
Some survivors may turn to a mental health practitioner. “An estimated twenty percent of survivors receiving mental health treatment suffer undiagnosed complicated grief. Research proves that treatment for depression is far less effective for grief recovery than grief therapy.” (Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)
Normal grief brings on natural pain. “Sadness is the most common feeling experienced during grief.” (Mourning Light I, 2016) Sadness is not depression.
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Depression
Depression is not a normal part of grief; it is a complication that interferes with recovery and raises the risk of serious illness.
Depression can be distinguished by trained counselors by looking for specific emotional patterns.
“In normal grief, the sad thoughts and feelings typically occur in waves or bursts followed by periods of respite, as opposed to the persistent low mood and agony of major depressive disorder.” (Sidney Zisook, MD, University of CA, SD)
Survivors experiencing normal grief usually retain their self-esteem, sense of humor, and their capacity to be consoled or distracted from the pain.
Depression evokes internal struggles of guilt and worthlessness, as well as limiting one’s ability to experience or anticipate pleasure or joy.
Depression is dangerous and should be treated by a mental health physician. (Mourning Light III, 2019)
“Normal grief does not warrant the use of anti-depressants. Anti-depressants cannot treat the underlying cause of grief which is loss. Anti-depressants delay the mourning process and encourage complicated grief to materialize.” (Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH) Ten to fifteen percent of the world’s population suffer problematic loss adaptation and experience elusive recovery. With those odds, increasing your probability of joining that group by taking anti-depressants is not advisable.
Again, we see that treatment focused on the wrong diagnosis, one other than grief, does not yield the desired result of recovery.
By now, you may be wondering if there is any assistance at all for grief recovery. Fortunately, there is. The good news is that 85% of mourners do not require grief recovery assistance. Even though recovery is long-suffering, most mourners recover just fine on their own.
There are things that you can do to assist yourself as you embark on this journey and they are rather simple tasks. Before I list them, however, I want you to know this one very important fact. “The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry.” (Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH) Human beings are naturally social creatures. Therefore, isolation renders us less effective and increases the negative aspects of whatever we are suffering.
Factors That Help Recovery
Allow yourself ample time to experience your innermost thoughts and feelings.
Express your feelings openly or write them in your journal.
Allow yourself time to cry.
Crying provides stress relief.
Confide in a trusted friend or person about your loss experience.
Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings.
Find bereavement groups where others have had similar losses.
Seek professional help if feelings become overwhelming.
(Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)
While these factors assist your recovery, there are things to watch out for too.
Factors That Hinder Recovery
Overworking oneself
Abusing drugs, alcohol, or other substances
Compulsive behavior
Avoiding emotions
Minimizing feelings
(Coping with Adult Grief, QCFH)
While these two lists contain tried and true assistive methods for promoting grief healing, as well as warning signs to steer clear of, there will be additional things you can do to help yourself. These things will be particular to your life and personality. They are things that only you know exist. You must rely upon your intuition and call upon the things that you know will bring you comfort and peace. There may be tokens of affection, shared with your loved one, that bring you comfort, or words spoken between you that bring you solace.
Utilize every possible advantage that you have to overcome your sorrow with shameless vigor.
Grief is indeed the price we pay for loving others so deeply. Love is a priceless, spiritual gift, bestowed upon us from our great Creator.
Our physical existence is temporary, but love, like our souls, is eternal. Realizing this spiritual truth gives us hope of reuniting with our loved ones who have gone on before us. That day of reunion will be glorious and filled with unimaginable happiness.
Rejoining our loved ones will erase our separation anxieties taking with it, the grief that lies unsettled within our souls. At that point, we will endure another separation, the separation from those whom we leave behind. We will wait though, with great anticipation, for our dear ones to join us there, to reunite, and make our families whole.
Love is the greatest power on earth. It creates a bond that cannot be broken without our willingness and consent. It is holy and spiritual. Divine spiritual love welds us together and creates our families. The bonds of spiritual love are eternal. They do not disappear upon the death of those whom we love.
Death is not the end, it is not the ultimate adversity. Christ’s charity loosed the bonds of the grave allowing us to reunite with those whom we love - our family members and God himself. His pure love is the counter agent that we seek, and we all have that spiritual gift if we will cultivate it and protect it.
Neither drugs, doctor’s orders, crazy behaviors, nor dulling or excessive distractors will remedy the natural pain of grief. Christ’s divinely bestowed selfless love is the golden elixir. Share the divinity of spiritual love with others and see your happiness grow exponentially. And, on that glorious day when your soul is at peace, remember, it was Christ’s gift of love - his atoning sacrifice - that has saved you.
As we approach the Easter Season, I pray for everyone who grieves to receive Christ’s healing powers through his divine gift of selfless love.
My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.
It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.