Finding the Right Funeral Director
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
I like to think that I can get along with anyone. I also like to think that everyone likes me. If I am completely honest, however, and analyze my life, I find that this is probably not an accurate perception of my personality nor of my friends list. In fact, as I think back over my life, I find that not only am I not friends with everyone I have ever met; I really don’t want to be friends with them after all. When it comes right down to it, I’m actually a rather picky person when it comes to spending time with other people. In all honesty, I’d rather not spend my time with people for whom I do not deeply care. If a person is not an intimate friend of mine and I do happen to see them, I really only want a casual exchange of pleasantries and to be quickly on my way. I am always busy, and unless someone needs my assistance, I’d rather be off to someplace where I might be helpful, or with my children, or grandchildren. So, that is me; that is my personality; that is how I live my life.
I have been a licensed funeral director for 10 years. It took me 10 years from the day I decided to become a funeral director to the day I was able to open my funeral home. In all, I have been actively involved in the funeral profession for 17 years. In all of those years, I have worked with many families. I like to think that I have been able to get along with all of the families I have served. I also like to think that they have all been satisfied with their services. If I am completely honest, however, and analyze my professional record, this is not an accurate analysis of my professional career. I have interviewed with families that in the end have decided to go elsewhere. I have interviewed with families that in the end, I wish had gone elsewhere. Fortunately, these families are very few in number.
When I meet with a family, I try to determine their needs, their traditions, their budget, and many other details relating to funeral planning. I try to understand the relationships and issues slinging across my conference table. I begin to formulate methods to separate families from historical pathologies that will cause complications for their recovery, and I try to help facilitate an experience that will accommodate and move them toward a healthy grief rehabilitation. My service and client satisfaction ratio has never fallen below 99%.
What then of this other one percent? It is easy to say, “You can’t please everyone.” Well, why can’t you? If you take on a client, why can’t you please them? If you contract with them to do a job, why are you not capable of doing that job to their complete satisfaction? In my case, I find that it is usually an issue of communication. Perhaps the family did not clearly communicate their wishes, or perhaps I was unclear in my descriptions of what they might expect. Sometimes neither is the case. Quite often it is confusion within the family itself. If two members of the family are in conflict over a particular issue and cannot come to an agreement, only one will get their way. Very often family members will feel invalidated when this happens and feelings get hurt. In my history as a funeral professional, I find that open and exhaustive communication, prior to contractual obligation, is the best practice for client satisfaction.
If you are searching for funeral services, take your time. Interview various funeral directors and multiple funeral homes. Nothing says you must use the same funeral director your grandpa used. You don’t use the same razor he used, do you? Or only use a land line? In today’s world, we have access to enormous amounts of information. Utilize the internet, investigate your options, do phone interviews, ask questions, and get to know your funeral director before you even meet her or him face to face. Once you narrow your possibilities down, make appointments and meet with them. When you arrive at each funeral home, ask for a tour. See if you are comfortable. Do the funeral homes and personnel meet your needs? Will they accommodate your family? Do you communicate well with the funeral directors? Are they forthcoming with the information you seek? Are they accommodating to the things you want? Do they go the extra mile to ensure your comfort? Are they traditional or modern? And, do they recognize your concerns? Once you have interviewed a good number, make your decision based on gathered information and personal impressions. I assure you, if you will make these efforts before your need arrives, you will not end up being the one percent who is less than 100% satisfied with their funeral services.
What was it my grandmother used to say? Oh yes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” and my momma told me, “You better shop around.” It turns out, in the case of finding the right funeral director; they were both spot on in their advice.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.