Consecutive Miscarriage
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
My daughter is seven days away from delivering my new grandchild, and due to distance, I am unable to be there. I have lamented over this fact trying to find a solution, but alas, there is not one on the horizon. I have worried about her health as I have watched her over her last trimester. She has endured the fatigue and pain that accompanies the final stage of pregnancy without anyone to help her. She lives in Hawaii, a recent transplant due to her husband’s occupation, and therefore, finds herself without friends or family to love or assist her. Yesterday after she got home from church, she told me something that was absolutely horrifying. While she was in her women’s class, her women’s group leader announced that she had suffered her twelfth miscarriage this past week. Wow, how could you not feel badly for this woman’s emotional pain and suffering? My daughter immediately asked me what she could do for this woman. In order to help someone who has suffered a miscarriage, one must first understand the confusion and grief that accompanies such a profound loss.
Eight Important things to know about Miscarriage and Grief
MISCARRIAGE IS NOT ACKNOWLEDGED AS LOSS
Miscarriage is classified as a non-loss within society. Unfortunately, when a mother miscarries a pregnancy, many people may not have known that she was pregnant. Sometimes the pregnancy announcement is delayed for one reason or another. Parents who have previously suffered miscarriage are less likely to share the news of pregnancy early on due to an apprehension of potential recurrence.
Human beings are experience driven. If one does not have personal experience with a certain thing, one is generally unmoved by it. The missed opportunity of holding, touching, kissing, or cooing a newborn baby leaves us without a tangible experience from which to draw. The parent couple, grandparent couples, and perhaps siblings are potentially the only human beings on the face of the earth who will mourn the loss of a premature infant. This small circle of awareness does not offer a support network of understanding or assistance for those suffering the very real experience of grief following the death of a wee loved one.
MISCARRIAGE IS THE DEATH OF A CHILD
Ask anyone, “What is the worst sort of death known to mankind?” The answer will always be, “The death of a child.”Although others may not have experienced the life of an expectant couple’s baby, the expectant couple has. These parents have planned, prepared, sacrificed, and experienced the life of their child. The death of their baby brings with it the death of their plans and hopes for their future. It brings the same chaos and fears survivors experience at the death of any other loved one. Expectant parents may experience a loss of identity, unity, and purpose. These losses may spill over into other aspects of their lives. Unfortunately, for parents grieving a miscarriage, there is little understanding, or patience found for them within society. They are expected to bounce back as though nothing has happened by people who have not experienced the devastating death of a child.
PREGNANT COUPLES ARE PARENTS
Long before the birth of a baby, parents begin preparing and taking care of their future children. As a teen matures into an adult, their choices regarding nourishment, physical fitness, and psychological balance all have value to the health of their future children. As the time of pregnancy approaches, some parents alter habits such as cigarette smoking and alcohol intake, others may alter medications. During pregnancy, parents may limit activities that might endanger the integrity of full term delivery. As pregnancy progresses, so too do homes. Most parents are busy preparing nurseries and gathering necessities in anticipation of their sweet arrival. By the time a baby is born, its parents have been preparing for his or her arrival and taking care of him or her for quite some time. All of these activities serve to create love and bonding between parents and baby.
GRIEF IS THE PRICE WE PAY FOR LOVE
A parent’s grief is based on their love for their lost child, not for the term of the pregnancy. The desire to parent may have developed as early as childhood. While little girls played with their dolls and little boys defended damsels against imaginary foes, psychological preparations for pairing and parenting were forming. The desire to parent and love our children is deeply rooted within the human experience. The unexpected loss of this natural timeline creates unparalleled grief.
HOLIDAYS WILL BE DIFFICULT
Parents who have lost pre-term babies experience renewed grief on holidays. In particular, as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Christmas are family orientated holidays, they tend to be the most difficult holidays to face. As with other losses, death care practitioners suggest the observance of traditions to help ease the burden of grief during a holiday. Traditions help to memorialize deceased loved ones and insure that they will never be forgotten. They bring comfort and solace through expression of familiar actions, words, and deeds. If you are aware of someone who will be suffering grief through a holiday, it is a kind gesture to accompany them through the observance of memorial traditions. It is not necessary that you do anything other than be by their side or offer a quiet ear for comfort. On the other hand, it is a kind gesture if you will be grieving through a holiday to let others know in advance so that they might be aware of your circumstances.
GUILT
Many parents suffer guilt when they have lost a child. A father may feel that he inadequately protected the integrity of the pregnancy. Mothers often fear that they may have contributed to the loss by doing or by not doing something. In the US, one out of five pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
Four Most Common Causes of Miscarriage
Abnormal chromosomes
Medical conditions
Lifestyle
Environmental hazards. (Web MD)
FUTURE PREGNANCY FEARS
Parents who have previously experienced miscarriage will most likely fear future loss. This is a natural concern. As with all medical conditions, consulting with your physician to prepare your body is a good practice. Most physicians prescribe a recovery period before new pregnancies are considered. Following good medical advice and sound nutritional guidelines are essential to the well-being of both mother and child. “ Just 2% of pregnant women experience two pregnancy losses in a row, and only about 1% have three consecutive pregnancy losses. After one miscarriage, the chance of a second is about 14% - 21%.” (USC Fertility, Nov 2009)
A NEW BABY WILL NOT REPLACE A LOST BABY
Many people will advise parents to try for another baby to replace the one that was lost. There is nothing in the world that can replace the loss of a baby, not even a new one. The baby that was lost will remain lost. The grief that accompanies that loss will never disappear. Over time, a parent may be able to manage their sadness, but the grief and pain of a lost child will forever be a part of their lives.
My advice to my daughter to help the woman at her church is to be patient, to be kind, to understand that this woman’s life is painful, that her heart is broken beyond anything imaginable, to be a friend who will listen without interrupting or judging, and to help her when she needs help. Although I do not personally know this woman, I know that she is barely breathing. I wish I were in Hawaii this week to welcome my new granddaughter into the world. I also wish I were in Hawaii this week to help this dear woman through the most tragic experience a mother lives through. The loss of one baby is dreadful enough; the loss of twelve (in a row) overwhelms even a seasoned funeral director. I cannot imagine the pain she must bear daily. As I sit in my office this morning, thousands of miles away from a stranger who has lost her twelfth baby, I can barely breathe myself. As I call upon all of my strength, I cannot regain control over my broken heart for her loss, nor stop my endless flow of sorrowful tears.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.