GRIEF RECOVERY FROM MULTIPLE DEATHS

My client came to the funeral home with her mother’s clothes for dressing. As she entered the funeral home, I could see that something wasn’t quite right. I walked up to her and asked her how she was coping. I had buried her husband just a year ago, and since then, she has lost her brother and sister. Losing her mother amid all of this loss has potentially created a complicated recovery scenario for her.

She confirmed that she was indeed having difficulties coping, so we started a conversation reviewing the dangers of debilitating stress and recovery techniques to employ. My client is a brilliant, professional woman. My heart aches for her because I would not wish this much loss on anyone within a year’s time. Multiple deaths are complicated from which to recover because one does not have sufficient time to process each one independently.

At her mother’s committal, I took a few moments to offer condolences to her family. I provided a few suggestions to them that could assist them through their recovery journeys. One can use many wonderful techniques to aid in recovery; however, at the gravesite, I try to narrow them down to three. I try to decipher which strategies will best serve a particular family according to their personalities and family dynamics. The three I offered this specific family were based on my history with them.

My first suggestion was to minister to each other. If they will reach out to each other and serve each other, they will remain close as a family and know when one needs particular assistance on difficult days.

Multiple immediate kinship deaths have the potential to create hopelessness. Hopelessness is very dangerous and can open the gates to depression. Sadly, it is a reality that takes the joy from living and often leads to suicide. If you notice anyone falling prey to depression, do not attempt to treat this condition without professional assistance. Depression is something that must be treated medically.

SUGGESTION NUMBER ONE

There are many ways to reach out to someone who is grieving. Some of us do not feel comfortable having conversations about death or grief, so a simple text expressing thoughtfulness and support is more than enough.

SAMPLE TEXT SUGGESTIONS EXPRESSING THOUGHTFULNESS

Thinking of you today

You’re on my mind and in my heart today

Hoping you have comfort knowing you are loved

I love you and am thinking of you

You are in my thoughts and prayers

(Decedent’s name) was a great friend to me

Praying for you and your family

Although considered old-fashioned by some, a handwritten note on a lovely card or sheet of stationary says you care enough to go the extra mile. Such detail makes someone feel special and loved. Simply jotting two to four sentences expresses support and love.

SAMPLE NOTE CARDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better soon.

(Decedent’s name) was a special person and will be remembered by those of us who worked with him. He was always willing to help anyone having a difficult day, and his smile brought joy to our work day.

(Decedent’s name) was a loyal friend to me. I will miss him, but I will never forget the joy he brought into my life. He was always just a phone call away whenever I needed help. Good friends like (Decedent’s name) bless the lives of everyone they meet.

An email is great when you are trying to render service for someone.

SAMPLE EMAILS

You may not feel like going out with a big crowd, but I was wondering if you’d like a visit from a friend who misses (Decedent’s name) too? I was thinking of a walk along the beach or perhaps cookies and milk while we chat at home. I’m free most evenings except Wednesdays, but I thought this coming Friday would be a good night. Let me know if that works for you. Hope to see you soon.

(Survivor’s name) I thought I’d make you my famous Cajun Chicken Pasta next week. I’m going grocery shopping next Thursday morning (date), and I’d be happy to pick up any items you might be out of and drop them off with the Cajun Chicken Pasta dish. Let me know if you’d rather Thursday or Friday evening. I thought about some garlic bread too. Take care, and let me know if either of these days work for you.

SUGGESTION NUMBER TWO

My second suggestion to this family suffering multiple deaths was to journal. Journaling allows a survivor to record their thoughts and feelings. Recording your worries and stresses will enable you to let them go. It helps you to organize yourself and regain a modicum of control. It is a great recovery tool.

GRIEF BRIEF 92

JOURNALING

Journaling is an amazingly successful tool whose application catapults a survivor from debilitating grief toward recovery.

It allows the survivor to record their fondest memories of their loved one.

It offers comfort and testimony that their memories were true experiences.

It helps to organize the mind when disorganization rules one’s current world.

It ensures that written references are available for review as time clouds the mind.

It helps to relieve the stresses of debilitating loneliness, track one’s progress in their healing journey and offers tangible proof that improvement has been accomplished.

Journaling is a gift we give ourselves. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

SUGGESTION NUMBER THREE

My third and final suggestion to this grieving family was to turn their hearts over to their Lord or higher power, supplicating to Him through prayer or meditation.

GRIEF BRIEF 394

4 STEP PATHWAY TO RECOVERY

STEP 4: PRAYER

“…Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”

(Matthew 21:21-22)

Prayer is the most comforting tool available to you.

It is the tool that brings solace when you feel alone and chases away the demons that grief ushers in.

It is the link to Christ that blankets you with his peace.

And, it is the tool that opens the gate to the miracle of recovery. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

After their committal service was over, several family members came to talk with me. They were very grateful for these suggestions as they had already realized that they were having difficulties navigating their grief.

I hope they utilize these tips for their grief recovery. I also hope that you will take the time to investigate using these techniques if you are suffering multiple deaths.

Remember that simplicity works best when helping a survivor through their grief.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

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John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.