Helping Children Cope
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
The single most important thing you can do for a grieving child is to provide reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. Without this reassurance, all the guidance and counseling in the world will not help them recover from their loss. Knowing that they will be cared for and kept safe allows a child to begin reorganizing their reality based on the guidance they receive from loving and caring adults around them.
“Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They hear about it in fairy tales, see it on television, and act it out in their video games. Not talking about something does not mean we are not communicating. To a child, avoidance can be a message (If mom or dad cannot talk about something, it must be really bad.) If we permit children to talk to us about death, we can give them needed information, prepare them for a crisis, and help them when they are upset. (Tracy Renee Lee, How to Talk to Kids About Death Pamphlet, 2011)
Understanding is the second most important need a child has when experiencing grief. Understanding works in two ways.
First, the child needs to understand what death is and be prepared for the feelings that will accompany the experience known as grief.
Secondly, the child needs understanding and patience from the adults around him or her while he or she travels through the grief experience.
Open, honest, and non-judgmental communication about their feelings, questions, fears, and insecurities is paramount on their road to recovery.
Coping and recovering from grief is a heavy burden for adults. It is an even heavier for burden for children who must depend on adults to help educate, guide, and love them through the experience. Adults who are experiencing grief are sometimes less patient, less tolerant, and less able to cope with stress than they ordinarily might. Add to these facts the responsibility of a grieving child, and now there is a potential opportunity for complications that might not otherwise exist. If you are a grieving parent with a grieving child, it might serve you well to enlist the assistance of a trusted adult to help you cope with your responsibilities toward your child. Personally, I do not condone passing parental responsibilities off to another. In my opinion, a parent’s love and protective spirit are surpassed by none other: that is why I state to enlist an adult to help “you” cope with “your” responsibilities rather than send your child to a professional counselor. In certain circumstances professional counseling might be a viable option, even so, parental responsibility does not go out of the window when such a need arises. Indeed, if professional counseling is necessary for a child, it is quite possibly necessary for the parent as well, and family counseling might be vital for the recovery of all. At any rate, if your child needs professional counseling, you should be an active participant in the counseling plan of care.
The following is a list of tips that will help you support children who have experienced the loss of a loved one. These tips help all adults who find themselves in the service of grieving children: parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, friends, pastors, etc.
Allow children to be the teachers about their grief experiences.
Give them the opportunity to tell their story. Be a good listener.
Do not assume that every child in a certain age group understands death in the same way or with the same feelings.
Each child is different and their views of the world are unique and shaped by different experiences.
Children need to be allowed adequate time to grieve in a manner that works for that child.
Pressing children to resume “normal” activities without the chance to deal with their emotional pain may prompt additional problems or negative reactions.
Do not lie or tell half-truths.
Children are bright and sensitive. They will see through false information and wonder why you do not trust them with the truth. Lies do not help children through the healing process or develop effective coping strategies for life’s future tragedies or losses.
Help all children, regardless of age, to understand loss and death.
Give the child information that is age appropriate, that they can understand and that is simple in nature.
Encourage children to ask questions about loss and death.
Do not be anxious about their questions. You will not know all the answers. Treat questions with respect and willingness to help the child find his or her own answers.
Do not assume that children always grieve in an orderly or predictable way.
We all grieve in our own unique ways.
Let children know that you really want to understand what they are feeling or what they need.
Sometimes children are upset but they cannot tell you what will be helpful. Giving them the time and encouragement to share their feelings with you may enable them to sort out their feelings.
Grief is an experience unique to each individual; children are no exception. The key to success, as with everything in life, is attitude. Accept your responsibilities toward a grieving child with a nurturing attitude of love and selflessness, and your experience, as well as the child’s, will be one of personal and spiritual growth.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.