HOLIDAY HELP

It is interesting how a client can bless and change your life. As a funeral director, I spend (on average) a week with my clients. During that time, I help them plan and carry out the final services for their deceased loved ones. More importantly, I try to help them through the anguish that death can impose upon them by presenting a favorable opportunity for grief recovery. Although I see my clients several times during the year, either at other funerals or perhaps at the grocery store, there are particular times of the year when I worry and pray for them individually.

GRIEF BRIEF 58

SPECIAL DAYS

Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are extremely stressful for survivors of loss.

The anticipation of these important dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself.

If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Lights, 2022)

Now that we have officially entered the "Holiday Season," my worries and prayers are growing in frequency and earnestness for my clients. Holidays can be difficult even under the best circumstances; however, when you are facing your first holiday season without your loved one, and even your second, third, and so on, the holidays may seem daunting.

Survivors may face fear, loneliness, anger, sadness, stress, anxiety, and other psychological disturbances that are not generally associated with the season's joys. What do you suppose families and friends can do to support and assist those who mourn during the most wonderful time of the year? In speaking with my clients, I have compiled a list of some of their suggestions.

SAY SOMETHING

Although you may fear that saying something about their loss may bring them additional sadness, survivors already carry that burden. Acknowledgment from others helps survivors to know that their loved one is remembered and appreciated. Acknowledging their loved one's contributions to your life helps lift a bit of burden from their hearts.

DON'T ASK – JUST DO

Survivors express the discomfort they feel when people ask if there is something they can do to help. There is nothing you can do that will change the situation of loss; however, there is plenty you can do to express love and appreciation to the survivor. If you want to do something for the survivor, just do it. Show up with your snow plow and clear their driveway and sidewalks. Show up with your ladder and ask for the Christmas lights to hang across the front of the home. Email over a playlist of their decedent's favorite Christmas music. Or, if something comes to mind, realize you have been inspired and do it.

LISTEN

If the survivor begins telling you a story or recounts an experience about their loved one, simply sit there and listen. Their story does not require your opinion or stories about your life. Allow them to tell their story at their own pace and in their own words. An occasional "ah" or "oh" is an ample expression to show that you are listening.

MAKE EXTRA – DROP AT DOOR

If you are making a special dish or just a simple dinner, make a little extra and drop it at their door. A visit is not required and sometimes more than a survivor can bear. A plate of food says more than you can express through words. It shows that you are thinking of them, love them, and want to comfort them. That is enough.

CREATE A MEMORY TRADITION

This suggestion is more for those included within the survivor's intimate circle of family and friends; however, extended family, friends, co-workers, and associates can also contribute. Creating new traditions can be difficult, but the contributions of others are well appreciated.

A memory tradition could be a Christmas tree dedicated to the decedent. If you have a photo or particular story, you could have a personalized ornament made and give it as a gift to the survivor. Often, others will have photos that the survivor does not have or may not know exists. A photo or story ornament is a beautiful gift for a new memory tree tradition.

Some survivors live in smaller accommodations after loss. In this situation, they may have a memory garland rather than a tree. A memory garland can be draped across a fireplace mantle or hung with a stream of lights over an entryway. A memory wreath is also a thoughtful memory gift.

Another memory tradition is a memory stocking. A memory stocking can be filled with photos, stories, special candies, and tokens representing special places and events.

A memory tablecloth can be another unique holiday tradition. It can have memorable photos of the loved one printed on various blocks, and guests at Christmas dinner can write personal messages or memories on it. As the years pass, these messages will represent the path of grief recovery.

Memory gifts are ongoing and can change each year as new photos and stories are discovered.

BLESSING

If your family typically offers a special blessing at this time of year, include a blessing for the well-being and recovery of the survivors and their home.

As we enter this special time of year, I pray that the bereft will feel the love and protection of the Savior's promise to shepherd all those who seek Him. I hope that you will hear Him in the coming years of your life and that you will let God prevail during the trials and fears that come your way. I ask for a special blessing of recovery and pray that you will remember the life shared with those you love with fondness.

This morning a client came by my office. His brother passed earlier this year in connection with a lifelong disability. Witnessing the love and care my client rendered out of brotherly love has touched my heart. He shares that same love with those he meets because that is the caliber of his soul. It is interesting how a client can enrich your life with friendship and service. My client has taken the words of his Savior, “Love one another,” and applied them to every facet of his life. He has given me an example to aspire to.

My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.

It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

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John was Love

By Tracy Lee • September 28, 2020

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.

girl, contemplation, sadness, loss, prayer

Mikey Joe XIX - Sympathy Gift

By Tracy Renee Lee, FDIC, GC-C • May 26, 2020

I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.