Indifferent Survivor
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
When I was in college, my professor taught that the opposite of love was indifference. Throughout my life, I have witnessed the truth of his teachings. This past week, however, forty years later, has disproved his teachings and erased my belief that he taught me the truth.
This weekend I worked for a family full of love for each other. Many of its members had not seen the others for years as they live far distances apart. In fact, the time of separation between family members has been so long, that some did not recognize those with whom they had grown up playing. I watched this family closely, for they were in my building under the very tragic circumstances of murder. I expected angry outbursts, inconsolable grief, and temper flares all week, but they never surfaced.
The core group of this family is matriarchal, educated and cultured. They arrived at the funeral home early Monday morning to arrange funeral details. Their young decedent, who had been orphaned early in life, had been reared under the tutelage of his widowed grandmother.
The tragedy and senselessness of murder bring uncontrollable raw responses to the lives of co-victims. They will experience both physical and emotional responses. Physically, the body will attempt to protect itself from the trauma. This response is commonly known as the “Fight or Flight Response.” One may experience physical shock, disorientation, hyper-alertness (brought on by adrenaline rush,) heart palpitations, nausea, vomiting, sweating, hyperventilation, difficulty breathing, tightness of chest, uncontrollable sobbing, inability to cry, a void of emotion, panic, and/or numbness. Emotionally, co-victims may respond with anger, rage, fear, terror, confusion, guilt, self-blame, shame, sorrow, frustration, humiliation, or overwhelming grief. Any or all of these responses, both physical and emotional, have the ability to overpower the brain. This creates a dangerous situation for co-victims. It thrusts them into a grave potentiality of not surviving the murder of their loved one.
Murder is surrounded by public curiosity and rule of law. Co-victims must endure news reports, police interviews, public speculation, ongoing investigations, and trials. They may be caught in the lair of constantly reliving the trauma of their loss as justice tries to right the wrong they have been dealt. They may begin suffering nightmares about the murder, anger toward their beloved decedent for being murdered, rage toward the murderer, rage toward law enforcement for an inability to establish justice, depression, helplessness, loneliness, isolation, or disbelief or hatred toward God. These added emotions compound the functional inability of the brain and can create long-term impact on the co-victims character. They interfere with grief work and create complications too great for unassisted recovery. The impact may affect several generations.
The women, who came to my funeral home on Monday, were very composed. They systematically organized their funeral services and accompanying activities. As the week progressed, everything fell perfectly into place. The visitation, held Friday evening, saw composed and strong relatives throughout the night. If anyone neared an emotional display, I noticed that he or she would immediately excuse him or herself and exit the building until regaining composure. The matriarchal government of this family was very nurturing, caring, and equally composed. I was quite astonished at the emotional strength of these governing women. They were able to carry the burden of murder, nurture their loved ones through this horrific injustice, and control all outward physical and emotional displays of trauma within their family and friends.
In their funeral folder, I was asked to include instructions for visitors to avoid condolences to the family. As a funeral director, I understood this request. Funeral day can be the worst day for the family. It is the final day that a loved one’s body is above ground. During the services, as we came to the allotted time for the sharing of experiences, the grandmother took the floor. She told her friends and guests that this was their time to share their stories and that later she did not want anyone coming up to her and offering condolences. She rose from her chair as a composed leader of strength, not wishing to offend, but merely informing those around her of what she expected of them.
She was so strong, so self-assured, so capable, so confident, and so composed. Her ability to control her emotions made her seem indifferent or unaffected by her loss. After working with her and her equally strong daughter and granddaughters this past week, I knew nothing was farther from the truth. It was at that moment that I realized my college professor had taught an incorrect principle. Indifference was not the opposite of love as he had taught.
These women, through the tragedies suffered in their family, have lost the men of five generations. They know love, they know loss, and they know the threat it brings. They have learned that to survive, they must be stronger than the suffocating evil that surrounds them. They refuse to become victims of the inhumane crimes perpetrated against their souls. They refuse to recognize it, to let it grow, or overtake them. In short, they are indifferent to it because that is what they must do to not die themselves. They are survivors.
At the funeral this weekend, I learned that indifference is the necessary opposition that one must acquire to gain control over the grim reaper’s exploitations of suffocating evil.
At this very moment, as I finished typing the final sentence of this article, my phone rang. The Reverend from this weekend’s services was on the other end of the line. He has informed me that the decedent’s sister just passed away on her flight home today from her brother’s funeral service. I am heartbroken. I now sit at my desk awaiting a very dreaded phone call from the strongest grandmother I have ever met in my life. Her heart, I know is broken beyond belief. The threat to co-victims is very real. Companion deaths are not uncommon. The unbelievable stress thrust upon survivors robs them of their abilities to sustain their lives. I pray that this family can endure this tragedy.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.