Without You
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
When I was a young girl, my brother had a band. He and his buddies would practice their music down in our basement and I would try not to listen to them. Most of the songs they sang were sad in nature, or very loud, neither of which did I appreciate. One of the songs they would sing was “Without You.” I remember placing my hands over my ears and thinking, “If they sing that song one more time, I’m going to scream.” “Without You” was both sad and loud. Although my early memories of this song are not so favorable, as an adult, I can see where there is truth in this song; especially in my capacity as a grief counselor.
Earlier this year film-goers worldwide mourned the loss of mother/daughter actresses Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher. Many were shocked that a mother and daughter would die just one day apart. Many news reporters speculated that grief played a role in the close timing of their deaths. As a grief counselor and funeral director, I wanted to shout at my television and pull my hair out, “You fools, grief didn’t just play a role in the closeness of their deaths; it was the leading lady.” Now, just four months later, no one even thinks about the calamity of their deaths.
How very strange that in a society where information is at our fingertips, we remain blind to certain things that kill us. Doctors and researchers publish study after study on illnesses that kill us. Yet, study after study, they ignore a very real killer that creeps into the hearts and minds of every person who has ever lived: grief. “As a funeral director, I am often asked, “What is the most important task of funeral week?” The answer may surprise you…….………The number one task for the survivor during funeral week is survival.” (The Most Important Task of Funeral Week, Tracy Renee Lee, 2017)
Perhaps grief is just too painful a subject to address. Perhaps doctors and researchers do not realize that grief is just as physically damaging, as it is psychologically damaging. Perhaps the Ostrich Effect suppresses funding and renders grief an unsuitable candidate for in-depth scientific analysis. Although we all battle illnesses, only some of us will battle cancer, some of us will battle heart disease, and some of us will battle death through a myriad of other causes. Grief is potentially the single life-threatening battle that everyone, ever born, will battle. It is a battle, that if left untreated, will kill you.
The Ostrich Effect is the tendency to ignore a dangerous or risky situation, a way to avoid troubling information. It is not the way forward. No one wants to face his or her mortality, nor that of their loved ones. I understand that fear. I see it every day in the faces of my clients. Unfortunately, fear nor ignorance keep grief at bay. It comes whether we want it or not, and it will, one day, come for you.
Last week, I directed a funeral for a family who had lost a young man through murder. This week, I directed the funeral of his last living immediate family member, his sister. Both siblings had suffered tremendously during their short lives. As children, they were orphaned through extremely tragic circumstances. Fortunately, their extended family had a strong leader, and these two children were raised together, rather than separately. Now that they became young adults, they are dead - one through murder, the other through sorrow.
Why do we not prepare for this battle? Why would we allow ourselves to face a life-threatening foe without recuperative measures? If I feel ill, I go see my doctor. If I ignore my illness and do not take appropriate recovery steps, I might become deathly ill. If this happens, I rush to the emergency room, hoping to beat the grim reaper and escape death. Grief is one of those battles that can become emergent in the blink of an eye, but we can beat it with assistance and appropriate recuperative measures.
During the week of the brother’s funeral, I noticed day after day, that his sister was beginning to show signs of distress. She smiled and hugged, and teased and laughed, just as she had always done in the past. In those nanoseconds of reflection, however, if you looked beyond her smile, you could glimpse the pain that was slowly stealing her life away from her. I spoke with her, I asked her to take measures to protect her health, I offered grief assistance, but she assured me she was fine. In her mind, I am sure she believed her claims were true. Although she was a nurse, she was not schooled in the fatal effects of grief. She was however, claimed by them, just 48 hours after she laid her brother to rest.
Folks, living by the “Ostrich Effect” will not only put your head in the sand, it will but your body there too. It is essential that we face the uncomfortable reality that one death may cause another. In my opinion, the man who murdered the brother also murdered the sister. My fear is that if others within this family do not receive grief assistance, they too may suffer death.
As I sit at my computer this morning, writing my article, I plead with you as I plead with her family and friends at the foot of her grave. Please do not let this happen to you. Grief is not a battle you must face alone. If you are grieving, seek out assistance. Ask for help, call a friend, a counselor, a pastor, or a doctor, but do not let sorrow take your life. Your loss projects your sadness to others, and risks their lives as well.
Those words my brother and his band used to sing have haunted me all week. As we laid the sister in the ground, I dropped a rose in her grave. It landed atop her casket with a resounding hollowness that echoed through my soul. In my mind, the sad cry of “Without You” applied to her life and summed up her last 48 hours on earth.
No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there, but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give anymore
I can't live if living is without you
I can't live, I can't give anymore
If living is without you
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.