Isolation Increases Risk of Suicide
Tracy Lee • April 13, 2020
Last night I was surfing social media when I came upon a friend’s post stating that upon reflection, he was taking a break from social media. He stated that since the passing of his wife six months ago, his opinion posting had become offensive to his son. He was confused and hurt by his son’s chastisements, and to discontinue causing his son discomfort or embarrassment, he had concluded that his withdrawal was in order. His post was filled with sadness, despair, pain, and anguish. Regret was apparent that he had not foreseen that his posts might wedge a wound in his father/son relationship, and he was solemnly announcing his intention to bend to his son’s harsh rebuke.
To show my support of this man’s right to post his opinion on a social media platform based solely on opinion posting, I went through his history and began liking every one of his opinion posts with which I could agree. It was not enough though. As I lay in my bed last night, I found that sleep was elusive. I tossed and turned all night worrying about this friend.
Grief Brief 7
Social Withdrawal
People who have recently lost a loved one may tend to withdraw from family or friends in intimate and social situations.
This tendency is generally brief and usually corrects itself without intervention.
If one continues to withdraw from social interactions over an extended length of time, one might find it comforting to consult with a counselor.
(Mourning Light I, Tracy Reneé Lee)
Herein lies the problem. This social media friend of mine had found an outlet for the frustration, anxiety, and loneliness that accompany grief recovery. He was using social media to express himself and guard against total social withdrawal. Indeed, his posts may have become more and more opinionated lately, but with the loss of his dear wife, he had found a healthy, non-threatening outlet for the expression of grief’s intense anger.
Grief Brief 24
Anger
Anger is common among the bereaved. It is generally brought on through anxiety, panic, and frustration.
It is important to properly direct anger at the grim reaper rather than toward others.
Realizing that the absence of your loved one has caused your emotional issues will help you move beyond the anger and develop the necessary skills for recovery.
The most dangerous adaption to intense anger is to turn on oneself.
Mourners who inflict their anger on themselves run the risk of developing self-loathing and in more severe cases, may fall prey to suicide.
If you are suffering extreme anger for an extended time and find that, you are unable to control yourself emotionally or physically, consider seeking assistance.
(Mourning Light I, Tracy Reneé Lee)
Upon rising this morning, I immediately went to my computer to send my social media friend a message. I wanted to encourage him not to give up his social media posting - his anger management tool. I wanted to encourage him to explain to his son that although his posts may seem extremely opinionated, that they were written neither to embarrass nor cause discomfort to him. They were merely an example of the rage within his soul at the confusion and loneliness of life without his beloved beside him.
As a grief counselor, I believe my social media friend had found a way to organize and channel his anger over the loss of his wife in a safe and nonintrusive manner to anyone. He was able to outwardly project his frustration toward social issues rather than inwardly toward himself. Anyone not agreeing with his posts or finding offense in them could merely opt to hide, disregard, or post an opposing opinion. As time passes, I believe my friend would have come to terms with his loss and would have begun toning down his social issue posts. As grief recovery occurred, he and his son would have most likely been able to return to a place where they would be able to share social ideas and discuss them calmly. My advice to his son would have been to simply check the little box to temporarily hide his father’s posts until he felt more comfortable with them.
Unfortunately, as I opened my social media page this morning and searched my friend’s name, he was nowhere to be found. He had withdrawn his profile and closed his page from social media. My fear is that his frustration, anxiety, and loneliness will now redirect itself inwardly. He has endured a rejection of the most profound nature, the rejection of one’s child. Such a rejection, in concert with the loss of his beloved, may very well prove to be too much to endure.
I do not know who his son is or I would contact him and explain the enormity of the situation. I tried searching my friend on the internet this morning to find him and contact him directly; I was unsuccessful. Unfortunately, the newspaper within his geographical location does not carry my bereavement articles, so I will not be able to reach him through written word either. I am at a loss this morning, on how I might reach him. I believe this man needs support. I believe he needs support today, or tomorrow may never come for him.
Grief is a difficult issue to broach. Unfortunately, well-intentioned friends and loved ones often do not understand the actions of the bereaved. Well-intentioned advice sometimes affects the bereaved as continued rejection and catapults them into a reeling suction of despair. After reading my social media friend’s post last night about his son’s rejection of him, I hope that I do not soon read an obituary referencing the tragic loss of a widowed father, too desperate to continue on with life.
One cannot, however, place the blame upon the son should the unthinkable transpire. The son, as well as the father, is suffering the ill effects of bereavement. His actions are filled with frustration, anxiety, and loneliness too. While in the depths of struggle himself, he is most likely at his wit's end trying to understand how he might help his father overcome this devastation. He probably feels that his father has lost control over his emotions and that exercising restraint will help him regain his composure, his sanity, and perhaps even some resemblance of happiness. This is a grief myth.
Both father and son are grappling for recovery. They are lost in a sea of misinformation and confusion. Their minds are disorganized as they struggle and search for the life that was once theirs but will never again return to normal. They, like so many others, hit a speed bump in the road toward recovery last night, and rather than reaching out and holding onto each other tightly, they flew off in different directions. This separation may prove too severe for them to right. I hope not. I hope that they reevaluate the course this exchange has produced. That as lost ships, they will redirect and chart a new course that will allow them to find, assist, and love each other for the rest of their lives.
Grief has the ability to rip families, friends, and lives apart. It is incumbent upon us to learn and understand the difficulties the bereaved endure and endeavor to assist them in their battle to find peace.
The past two weeks have been difficult for me. I have suffered the loss of a dear friend and have served families that have suffered great losses. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused unwarranted loss, stress, and heartache to so many people this year. Not only have we lost loved ones, but we have lost our economy, our comfort, and our security as Americans. Everywhere I look, it seems that people are rude and uncaring toward each other when what we need is love. I wish we could be kind to each other, considerate to each other, and help each other through our difficulties rather than burning cities, burning businesses, and tearing apart what makes up great, our Union. Americans are the most blessed people in the world. We live in a time of convenience and wealth. Why is it then that we can’t add kindness and respect to our society? Why must there be murders and brutal attacks on innocent people walking down the street? I work with families every day who would give all that they have for just one more moment with their loved one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Time is so precious, but even more precious is the way that we treat others. For if we treat others with contempt, we will reap the bitter reward of hatred. Hate eats a person from the inside out, and no matter how hard a hateful person tries to find happiness, it will never come to them. I know this because I see it every day. A hateful heart has no room for happiness. Happiness only comes to those who love. Love is like light. Light is the only thing that is stronger than the dark. If you have a completely dark room and you strike a match, the light from that match will push the darkness away and light up the room. Conversely, if you have a room filled with light and you cup your hands to create a spot of darkness. As soon as you open your hands, the dark is gone. Light overpowers it just as love overpowers hate. Love is the only thing that is stronger than hate. If you strike an ember of love in the heart of someone full of hate, love will grow and overtake their hatred. In my profession, love is very important. I see all too often those who have pushed love aside thinking that they were winning an argument or for some other ridiculous reason. What I see when this happens is that at the end of life, those who were foolish and let hatred get the best of them suffer the most. They remain miserable for the rest of their lives. Don’t be one of these people. Don’t let hatred get the best of you. And most assuredly, let us not allow hatred to overtake our country. I don’t want to live in a world filled with hatred and discontent. I want happiness and love for all. I especially want love in your life when you suffer loss because believe me, when the grim reaper knocks, it’s too late to cry for one more moment to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” At that moment, the weight of hatred crushes every hope you ever had to make amends, to accomplish happiness, or to right any wrong you may have perpetrated. It’s too late and you are the person who will suffer the consequences of your vicious actions. You are the person who will have no friends, no love, and who will die alone; miserable because of your hatred and terrible deeds. I know because I see it in so many people who thought they could just make a statement, a judgment, or an action and not suffer the consequences. In the end, it’s the hateful people who suffer the consequences. They die alone without love or support. Their needs are not met and they writhe in misery. I lost a dear friend this past week. He was kind, loving, and good. He made the world a better place, and he made my life happier through his actions of kindness toward me. I wish everyone alive could have known my friend. Christ died to make man holy, and my friend John took up his offer. John was a holy man. He lived his life serving others, teaching others, and helping anyone who needed help. He was filled with love and he shared his love with those who needed it. If we could all be like John, the world would be an amazingly happy and beautiful place. John is gone and I feel the weight of his loss deeply in my soul. He leaves a legacy of service to our nation, service to Christ, and service to anyone who needed it. He was a good man, a great man, and now he is gone. I will have the honor of directing his memorial service in a few days. The church will be bursting as those who John served make their way there to express their sorrow and love for him. I will be one of those people. John’s legacy will continue in his absence because he ignited goodness, love, and service in the hearts of those about him. May we all understand and embrace John’s mission in life to serve and love our fellow beings. Doing so will bring us the greatest rewards. It will fill our lives with the greatest gifts on earth; joy, happiness, and love. This is my prayer for you, for our nation, and for the world during this time of uncertainty and discontent. Thank you, John, for being my friend, and my God bless you as you arrive home, never to suffer more, the pains of the world nor heartaches of men. Godspeed.
I received a first call late last night and was therefore at the hospital when I ran into an acquaintance of mine. As we spoke, she told me that her father had recently died. She began to cry and I offered to send over a set of my grief books (Mourning Light I, II, & III) to her office the following morning. I wrote her a sympathy card and delivered the books about 15 minutes ago. She had not yet arrived at her office, so I left the books and card with her secretary. The following is the note I wrote in the sympathy card. I thought I would share it, in hopes that it might help others who mourn as well. Dear Friend, February will be the 2nd anniversary of my grandson’s death. It is said that “Death is Final”; that is untrue. The pain and loneliness remain in my soul, and it feels as though I held his lifeless body, yesterday, in my arms. That day broke me; it almost killed me. Had I not had the love and support of my husband and children, I don’t think my sanity would have remained with me. The pain continues to crush my soul with anguish. There are 4 things that have helped me survive the debilitating pain of losing my grandson, and I wanted to share them with you in hopes that you might find peace in them as well. Prayer Prayer was, and continues to be, my saving grace. Without the love and promise of Christ’s redeeming grace, peace would remain unobtainable. Recounting my Experience Sharing my story out loud made it real. It took away my fear. It gave me power over the chaos of pain. Information As a certified grief counselor, knowing what to expect and whether it was normal or abnormal helped keep my worries at bay. The books that I have sent over are filled with information, plainly and simply written, to help you understand and identify the symptoms of grief, as well as recovery’s signs and secrets. Journaling Writing down my anguishes, thoughts, pains, worries, and fears helped me to let them go. I was able to organize myself, and it gave me hope for my future. I am sorry for the dreadful sorrow in your heart, and the pain that infiltrates your daily existence. I understand that breathing feels unnatural, it takes effort to continue on, and that peace eludes you. I wish that death did not exist, but it is a reality that the both of us know all too well; one that we must endure. I believe that families are forever, that we are all God’s children, and that we will reunite with our loved ones across the veil as we too, one day, experience death. Until that day arrives, however, I pray that you and I will live our lives as emissaries of Christ, basking in his grace, and recipients of his glory. I hope that as you suffer the loss of your daddy that you will feel comfortable in reaching out to others, and that you might call me should you need assistance. The pain of grief should never be carried nor suffered in silence, nor alone. Reach out and allow those who love and care for you to lighten your burdens. Life will never be as it once was, but it will improve as you share priceless moments of peace with those who remain by your side. I hold you in high esteem, and pray that Christ’s promise will grace your soul. With Deepest Regards, Tracy Lee My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, and co-founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award. It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on, as well as educate adults in the needs of surviving children.