As I sat down at my desk this morning, trying to think of something to write for my weekly bereavement article, I turned to the internet for inspiration. I was reading articles on the loss of children and the unique pain that remains in the hearts of their families. As it usually does, the thought came to me: “I wish I had a magic wand that would wipe out the pain of loss.” Of course, as it always does, logic slips in, and I understand the folly of such a wish.

Sir Isaac’s third law, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction," is generally applied to motion; however, I believe it likewise applies to emotion. Grief’s intensity equals the intensity of love shared between the decedent and survivor. Upon the death of a significant loved one, the pendulum changes direction and swings with equal force to the exact opposite emotion.

Therefore, logic dictates that all emotions experienced during the relationships of endeared human beings will present opposing emotions with equal intensity upon loss. For example, the joy we experience through love turns to sadness when the reciprocation of that love is no longer available to us. Through love’s absence, fulfillment becomes emptiness; elation turns to despair, happiness and confidence turn to doubt, uncertainty, unhappiness, etc.

These emotions and the myriad of other emotions experienced upon the death of loved ones will not sustain life. It, therefore, becomes imperative that human beings embark on a journey to irradiate such emotions to sustain sanity and life, and reinstate emotional harmony. Complete eradication of these emotions is not obtainable; instead, one learns to adjust these emotions to a manageable reality.

It seems logical that when something is wrong or threatening, we change the circumstances to lessen its negative impact on us. For instance, if we break our leg, we immediately see a doctor to set and cast the leg correctly while healing occurs. If we fail to enlist these measures and the leg heals incorrectly, we may need to re-break the leg for proper functionality.

The reality of inaction results in increased physical ailments and problems to overcome. Will the leg be as it once was? The answer is that the leg may look as though it were never injured; however, discrepancies still exist. Although the onlooker may see no evidence of a once broken leg, the sufferer may at times feel it. Perhaps the leg is weaker than it once was, or perhaps on bad weather days, the sufferer feels reminders of the injury. Most likely, the leg will require lifelong maintenance and care, especially after the sufferer turns 50.

The same orders of recovery apply to the emotions of grief. Survivors must immediately embark on corrective or healing measures upon losing a loved one. If they do not, the reality of inaction, or denial, will be complicated grief. Whereby the physical break requires isolation of the injury and casting, the emotional injury of loss is better served by additional exposure to love and new attachment. Unfortunately, one generally does not experience the energy required to facilitate engagement with social interactions upon the onset of grief. It has always been said that a mother’s kiss (a kiss of unconditional and purest love) melts away the pain and heals a wound better than the doctor. I believe the application of love’s endearments applies not only to a broken leg but also to a broken heart and life.

GRIEF BRIEF 27

LONELINESS

Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses.

Social loneliness may be curbed through social support.

Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment.

With such, a new attachment is the only remedy.

Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely.

This behavior is more common among the elderly. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

From the above Grief Brief, we might assume that the survivor must immediately engage in social activities. I assure you this is not the case. Not only will one not feel like socializing, but it is also quite impossible to replace deep and abiding love with someone else within the blink of an eye. The love shared with your decedent was deep and developed over time through numerous experiences. Likewise, it will take time to build and share that love with someone new.

In my life and professional grief counseling practice, I find that filling and sharing that void with someone already significant in your life is more practical. No one wants to replace their decedent, and indeed, replacement is realistically impossible. Instead, Grief Brief 27 merely implies that emotional adjustment is necessary and materializes as you open your heart to loving others who may, or may not, already be near and dear to you.

In my thoughts this morning, I realized that my wish for a magic wand was foolish. Social media (aptly coined by some as unsocial media) has replaced deep abiding love with instant gratification. Instant friendship based on a created profile does not provide time for discovery. Neither does it allow for the development of attachment to tangible or known objects. Without tangible objects, e.g. people, attachment is based on imagination. The pain of loss is replaced by rage rather than grief, and resolution is unobtainable. Life becomes intolerable, its purpose eradicated, and human relations are replaced with pseudo existence filled with growing mental illness and rage. 

Thus my wish for a magic wand vanishes. Magic is not real; it is an illusion and provides the same baffles of reality to both brain and heart. Life, however, is real. It has purpose and meaning, as do human beings. Without those elements, life loses its luster and becomes repulsive. Thus we find a decline in the value of life, resulting in upticks in violent crimes against humanity, up to and including murder and suicide. 

The world is a very different place than it was decades and even years ago. Unfortunately, I see a correlation between emotional detachment, a pseudo-reality of wishful relationships, social media, and the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Studies show an increase in mental illness related to shelter in place and masking one’s face. I see fear and isolation taking hold of our younger generations. I am unsure how we overcome these environmentally and situationally imposed deficiencies on basic human needs. Still, we must move to soften their dangerous impositions immediately. If we do not, I fear things that I have always thought were the imaginings of more creative minds than my own may become humanity’s collective reality. I fear epidemics of mental illness, crippling social ineptness, soaring violence, and increased hopelessness and suicide. These are not the realities that I wish for society; however, they are what I fear.

Please join me in seeking solutions to these problems. Get to know your neighbors and co-workers, and make tangible (rather than virtual) friends. Show your love and appreciation for others through service to them. Even a kind word, spoken face to face, costs you nothing but can plant the seeds of hope and gratitude in the lives of others. 

Through hope, kindness lights a spark that can push the darkness that overtakes a solitary mind aside. Please commit this week to only saying nice things to people you encounter. Even though you may or may not know them, commit to spreading cheer and kindness to others as you travel along your way. If we start small, we can affect a significant change among ourselves. That’s my soul’s sincerest prayer. Please help me make it come true.



Jump off of the 24-hour, never-ending blogosphere train, and re-enter reality and life. You'll be glad you did, and your mental health and society will thank you.