I’m finally back home. The time seems long; however, realistically, it has only been three weeks. I went to see my daughter who is away at college. We needed to consult with her physician, and as I suspected, she requires time off from school for health reasons. I will return to her during her off-track semester for life-sustaining surgeries. 

While visiting her, I received word that my brother-in-law had passed away. I returned home immediately to join my husband, and we traveled to the east coast for his brother’s funeral services.

While I was there, I had the privilege of meeting one of my husband’s childhood friends. It was nice to put a name to the stories I have heard of her during my marriage. She is a friendly person who has suffered five very significant deaths within one month. Her mother and husband are in those numbers. Additionally, she and her 80 plus-year-old father were viciously attacked during that same time. I suppose it goes without saying, she is also a powerful and capable woman.

As we sat together, waiting for my brother-in-law’s services to begin, we talked about her multiple experiences of loss. Friends and family are rightfully concerned for her well-being. They want her to move on by disposing of her mother’s and husband’s possessions. Because they are fearful of her psychological pain, her friends want to witness physical signs of her recovery. Disposing of her loved one’s possessions would seem like movement toward healing for them.

With tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, she whispered to me that she was not even close to being ready to part with her loved one’s things. Because her family and friends are pressuring her, she feels that she should begin giving and donating her deceased loved one’s items to others. Unwittingly, their counsel is self-serving. Rather than helping her, their suggestions increase her levels of pain, worry, and stress. Good intentions often reap poor results.

GRIEF BRIEF 1

TOKENS OF AFFECTION

Visiting places or carrying objects that remind the survivor of the deceased is motivated through fear of losing or forgetting precious memories.

Carrying tokens of affection has long been an accepted custom when one loves another.

One does not stop loving simply because their loved one has died.

If this custom is acceptable while living, why then would it not be acceptable once a loved one has died?

It may be that after a time, carrying tokens of remembrance, or visiting special places, may no longer be necessary for the survivor.

Until that time comes, and as long as the behavior does not become compulsive, visiting special places and carrying tokens of remembrance are perfectly normal and comforting. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Although clothing and toiletries may not seem like tokens of affection, in some instances, they are. My husband’s friend is not ready to part with her husband’s clothing, his cologne, or his fishing tackle. Should she feel guilty or pressured to dispose of them? Absolutely not. Unfortunately, without realizing it, her friends and family pressure her to dispose of material reminders for their comfort, not hers.

My husband’s childhood friend lost her husband and her mother within the same week, and three significantly tragic deaths of very close friends within that same month. Multiple losses affect recovery as each demands respect and time for recovery.

GREIF BRIEF 269

MULTIPLE LOSSES

If suffering multiple losses, a survivor must grieve each one separately.

Each decedent was loved separately. Therefore, each must be grieved accordingly. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

In consideration of Grief Brief 269, how should friends and family assist their survivor through this compounded, complicated, and extended journey of grief recovery?

After all, we do not want to inflict additional pain or see her in continued pain. As her friends and family, we must understand the significance of patience, realize that her journey will be longer than expected, and accept that our worry and our pain (for her) will be expanded. Her recovery will extend beyond the standard time frame, and we should not become nervous or overbearing about this.

When my grandson passed away four years ago, my grief experience was powerful, and my anguish remained forefront in my soul for two years. Recovery was slow. It was painful. I was filled with despair for my loss and overwhelming worry for my daughter.

As his grandmother, my primary concern was for my daughter’s recovery. My recovery, although agonizing, had to wait until I knew she was healthy and that her young children were protected and recovering as well.

Survival is not only painful; it brings on new responsibilities at a time when new responsibilities are least desired and very unwelcome. New responsibilities, however, actually assist us in our recovery journey. Whether welcome or unwelcome, exercising growth forces us to focus away from our woes and concentrate our energies elsewhere. The benefits of new responsibilities are closely related to the benefits of service during recovery. Their actuality is personal growth and service to ourselves.

GRIEF BRIEF 46

DEVELOPING NEW SKILLS

Many survivors resent having to develop new skills that were once performed by their deceased loved ones.

This is a normal reaction to your loss.

The key to recovery is to either learn the skill yourself or find someone who will do it for you.

In both scenarios, your reward is growth, either personally or socially.

In both circumstances, your movement toward recovery is positive. (Mourning Light I, 2016)

Additionally, mourners must discover their own recovery techniques. With multiple deaths, recovery techniques may vary between losses. After all, each relationship differed in-depth, relationship, personality, and time. The uniqueness of each relationship would logically impose unique patterns of recovery.

Greif Brief 297

Personal Recovery Technique

Every individual is unique and therefore has his/her own unique preferences of emotional expression.

Experts agree that survivors should allow themselves to grieve in their own way, according to their personal preferences.

Certain survivors may prefer to express their feelings through action rather than discussion.

For instance, physical activities like walking or swimming, or creative activities like writing or painting may bring comfort and relief.

Others may prefer confiding with family, friends, or a grief counselor about their feelings, difficulties, and fears.

Mourning is the process of adapting to loss.

It involves letting go and learning to accept and survive in your new reality.

Recovery is one’s acceptance and adaptation over loss.

Its accomplishment varies in time and strategy with each survivor and each loss. (Mourning Light III, 2019)

Witnessing the pain of the survivor is tough to endure. We can be helpful by patiently allowing them their own timetable and methods to materialize rather than suggesting or imposing our own recovery perceptions. Positive assistance in grief recovery is paramount. Assist your survivor by incorporating the following suggestions into your time with them.

1. Assist your survivor by allowing them ample time to experience their thoughts and feelings.
2. Encourage him/her to express their feelings openly or within journal entries.
3. Be there, listen, and keep your survivor’s expressions in confidence.
4. Acknowledge and accept your survivor’s feelings, both positive and negative.
5. Support your survivor through this journey and leave judgments behind; they have no place here.
6. Be mindful of your survivor’s needs, do not hover or suffocate their needs for privacy or time alone.
7. Patiently endure your survivor’s crying. Crying provides stress relief, and loss imposes extreme stress upon survivors.
8. Additionally, although difficult, realize that there may come a time when professional assistance becomes noteworthy. If that time materializes, accept its reality and kindly assist your survivor in recognizing and getting it as well.

At the close of each service, I step forward and offer a few ideas for recovery to the gathering of mourners.

1. My first bit of advice is to say their loved one’s name and share their life stories. Saying the decedent’s name and sharing the stories of life will assist the survivors in moving the decedent from a living participant in life to a loving memory.
2. Secondly, I suggest that each mourner develop a tradition relative to their decedent. Traditions ground us and ensure that the decedent will not be forgotten.
3. And last, I suggest that all survivors, whether they are believers or not, pray to a higher power. Praying (or meditating) for assistance and relief opens the windows of our hearts and minds. It allows the blessings of heaven to pour down upon us. Loss is when we are at our most needful time and most willing to allow inspiration and change to affect our souls.

“Researchers have found that finding meaning in life after losing a loved one can help survivors adapt (more swiftly and more effectively.).” GB 298, Mourning Light III, 2019. Prayer is one of the most effective ways to find life’s meaning. Loss is when life’s purpose becomes essential for recovery and survival.